MIL wants me out

[Lost111]

I gave birth 6 days ago and I am living with my DPs family and will be until probably early next year.

The pregnancy was unplanned, we have no money and my DP's parents have been kind enough to take us in. My DP starts a new higher paid job in September and I'll go back to work in January. So this is just temporary and we will be back on our feet shortly.

My MIL was lovely to me during my pregnancy and we went out together a few times. But since the baby has been born, she's really taken over. She keeps telling me to go upstairs so that she can feed the baby and kept refusing to give the baby back to me when I asked. It's very overwhelming and tough for me as I am her mum and want to look after her myself! I am perfectly able to do so. She keeps referring to the baby as 'her baby' too, it's very frustrating.

She has been shunning me a lot and I feel very upset and alone. DP says that it's all fine, but I can definitely sense some hostility. He also refuses to move before we can really afford it we we'd be struggling for money, which of course makes sense. I just feel like I am a burden and she wants me out and have my DP and baby there alone.

She's been away for a few days and I sent her a message thanking her for how she was with me when I was pregnant; she read it but didn't respond.

What do I do?

Ceecee18 You have obviously not read the full thread. This is not just an ‘over excited grandmother wanting to help’. Even if she was, Lost111 does not really need anybody to cast doubt on her feelings of anxiety, she is 100% correct in wanting out of the situation with a minimum of upset to anybody. Unfortunately she is feeling trapped and needs support in her attempts, not encouragement to put up with the current situation and minimising her trouble.

I agree with previous posters that you have a (D)P problem as well as a MIL one.
Right now, only be concerned with what best for you and DD. You are still one unit, you need to bond and learn how to feed, wind, sleep, etc.. without interference, judgement, shouting or a tense atmosphere.
Listen to your instincts, you are doing great.
You did not make your baby sick, they throw up all the time.

Congratulations on your DD.

Also just to add, there's an awful lot of ridiculous advice on here. I'm sure your mil is not trying to take your baby!

The likelihood is that she's seen that you've had a tough birth and is trying to help you out. Christ, there's a million women who would snap someone's hand off to be able to have the offer of help so they could get some sleep. You're massively hormonal 6 days post birth. Just try and go with the flow. I know it's tough- I've had 2 children in 14 months myself so I'm aware of how hard it all is! My mum used to refer to my DD as "my baby". She didn't mean it in the literal sense. She meant it in the family sense. It didn't stop me being irritated by it at the time tho.

My advice though who be to ignore the LTB doomlords. They do you no favours and will not make you feel any better. Be assertive with your Mil if she won't give your baby back. Tell her that you want her. But don't be so rash as you'll be grateful for some help very soon. Bottle feeding was probably very much promoted when your mil had her kids so again, it's more likely that she remembers how hard it can be and is trying to help you. She's not trying to take your baby xx

She has been shunning me a lot and I feel very upset and alone.

and I sent her a message thanking her for how she was with me when I was pregnant; she read it but didn't respond.

She has been shunning me a lot and I feel very upset and alone

We've got a lock, she kept "joking" about how she was going to come in during the night and take the baby.

My MIL convinced me to bottle feed instead of my plan on BF.

MIL says breastfeeding is ‘incest’.

Sorry but are you actually trying to tell the OP that she should be grateful @QueenEnid?

And her (D)P calls her crazy and shouts at her when the baby is sick after a bottle feed?

Just suck it up dear, it’s all very normal - NOT.

Most important thing in these precious critical early days and weeks is to make everything 100% about creating a peaceful calm environment for you to bond with your daughter. She needs a happy Mum not one who is on high alert, agitated, confused and demoralised, summoning up her limited physical and emotional resources to build boundaries and bat back inappropriate unsupportive behaviour from MIL and DH.

Do whatever YOU need to do to achieve this for your and your DD right now. Don’t let this take up head space for another minute. Each of these minutes are for positive loving bonds with your DD. Who cares if you “offend” your MIL - no doubt she will be (but offence is taken not given) - but don’t “offend” your DD by being distracted, preoccupied and emotionally distant with this shit. Take yourself off, do what you need to do. Why wait for another incident? It will escalate - I would be gone before she gets back - she will be unbearable. Honestly take yourself away for a few days - get a taxi, pick up keys from your Mum at her work and just start enjoying the love bombing of being a new Mum. You will avoid some serious shit if you do this and will give your DD the very best start.

Your partner sounds horrible, OP
I’d be more worried about him than MIL to be frank.

Dutchoma I have read all of the OPs post, which is enough to see that her MIL has:
-Turned up at the hospital whenever she felt like (OP or her DP should have explained to her that this wasn't welcome, they didn't so she did what most excited grandmothers want to do)
-Not gave the baby back straight away

• Made jokes about stealing baby from OPs room (obviously that's not on)
• Invited family round (annoying for the OP, but it's MILs house)
• Discouraged breastfeeding (not acceptable at all, like I said my mom did the same)
• Called the baby hers (annoying, my mom did the same)

But non of the above suggest that she's trying to get rid of the OP. It's far more likely that she's thinking about what she wanted as a new mom (the OP has said that MIL has said as much about passing baby round) and not thinking of the OP, which is selfish but not worthy of the dramatic responses in some of these posts. And OP and her MIL living together is exacerbating the issues. OP needs practical advice and needs to have a conversation with her MIL about what help she does want. Not advice to not register the baby (which has to be done in the first 56 days OP, and it can take weeks to get an appointment in some areas), not horror stories about someone whose situation was very different to hers. OP has no mental health issues (that she has disclosed) so comparing it to the situation with Hannah is ridiculous. But to make it sound as if her MIL has a chance of taking her baby away to an hormonal (and vulnerable after just having given birth) woman, could increase the risk of post-natal anxiety. Her DP is more the problem for calling her crazy. She's only had 2 days living with her MIL and the baby, the novelty of the first grandchild hasn't worn off. I'm sure if her MIL really wanted to take over she'd have cancelled her holiday!

Lost111, my mom did many of the things your MIL has done and I felt the same, like she was trying to push me out. And my MIL drove me mad offering to babysit and feed DD. But that was the help that they wanted when they had kids, they didn't stop to consider what I wanted in their excitement as new grandmothers. It is extremely unlikely that your MIL is trying to get rid of you, as I said, if she really wanted to take over then she probably would have cancelled her holiday! Your hormonal and understandably fiercely protective of your baby and your time with her. Your MIL is over excited at her first grandchild. The fact that you have to live with her is making everything more annoying as you can't get away from her, like I could with my DM and MIL. Go and see your DM for a few days, try and establish breast feeding (don't worry if you can't) and plan your move out with your DP. As you've said, you got on well with her until you gave birth. When you get back from your moms have a chat with her about how your feeling. Explain that you don't want or need space from your DD right now, and may not for a while. And tell her that you're happy for her to cuddle baby and play with baby, but you need space to bond with her yourself.

Hi OP, please take a deep breath and try to find some calm.

These first weeks of a new baby are really hard with hormones, exhaustion and the very real fear that you are doing the wrong thing. It is such a learning curve, babies cry, are sick and scream the whole house down then cheer up before you have worked out what is going on.

You are normal in feeling tired, wobbly and a complete failure. But you’re not and you will feel better as you and your baby get to know each other.

Your MIL has some very strange ideas. She may be wonderful but over excited or she may be a complete cow. At the moment, it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that she is making you unhappy so you would be better off at your Mum’s until you can make a longer term decision.

Please go to your Mum’s. If your partner and MIL kick off at the idea, they are the ones being unreasonable. You’ve just given birth and you need your Mum. It’s that simple.

If you're struggling with breastfeeding, try nipple shields. I know it's not ideal, but it might be easier for your little girl to get started, and will maintain your milk supply. I ended up using them for a couple of weeks, then managed to wean off very easily. There are also lots of videos on YouTube about correct latch etc. And it is tricky - but so worth persevering at, if that's what you want. Good luck - you're doing a wonderful job. Get the midwife/hv onside - they are there to look after you and your baby, not MIL or DP.

Op this is not normal behaviour from your mil my exmil has similar behaviour made me feel bad for breasting feeding demanding overnights and taking him off me, making out I was doing things right and my ex never sticking up for me. She manipulated our relationship even got equipment at her house ready for when he dumped me so she could take the baby. She didn’t realise my family were there to take me in and I got my self back on my feet and later down the road I met dh had two dc and it was a completely different experience and his dm was supportive but never interfered once

Im going to advise against registering without dp! Has your dp shown traits of being abusive in anyway or has he just been dismissive.
I know you said he shouted at you which he shouldnt have done and was bang out of order. Aside from that is there any other reasons why you would register without him. I dont know if this was a planned baby or not but seems like hes very much invested in your relationship and child you have a plan of moving out etc. Anyhu i just think not registering will open a can of worms. I know if i did that with my dp he wouldve been heartbroken he was so excited despite first 2 weeks i was a wreck and we had a massive argument which i cant even remember properly. Also its not just running down the office our appointment took a few weeks to come in. Things will have hopefuly calmed down by then I will reiterate you need remain calm and relaxed do not run out your house with bag and baby in a sling looking behind you like youre a fugitive.

But you do need to get to your mums as soon as you can because being in the house is making you feel extra anxious and you need have some peace and quiet. Just be firm with dp x

Hi lost I don't know if you've read my thread but i'l give you some advice I wish I would of had when going through everything that I've been through based on my experience.
I'm still going through alot at the moment and reading your thread is slightly upsetting so please bear with me.

• be with your baby at all times. Take them upstairs with you when visitors are around. Feed them and do everything yourself. If anyone questions it just say you are bonding and following professional advice. Don't let your baby be passed around. I missed out special bonding time with my child and it drove me into a bad depression.

• don't let others make you feel like you are doing anything wrong. As a first time parent you make mistakes, babies don't sleep, they can be very hard work. Don't let anyone feel as though you are doing anything wrong. You aren't. You learn your own way to manage but you need time with your baby to establish that.

• don't take these comments from your MIL as her being excited or helpful. Some of these are malicious and very similar to what I had. The creepy snatchy comments are vile. The worst is how she pretended to be there for me when she was only concerned about My child. My MIL beat me up and kidnapped my child. Remember that. Don't trust her intentions

• breastfeed or try pumping. If you are breastfeeding any anything happens they won't be able to keep the child. Don't feel like a failure if you don't though there are just more advantages to it.

• Don't put him on the birth certificate. Register The child when he is busy or make an excuse and say he can be put on at a later date if he asks. Just try not to include him.

Speak to your health visitor in private about what is happened. Health visitors have alot of authority to help you when things go wrong. Luckily mine saw first hand what was happening at was useful writing letters of support and helping me with services.
They will keep it confidential. PLEASE TELL SOMEONE. You may think nothing of it and make excuses for these people but please support youself. Speak to a GP or health visitor just somebody so you know there's someone there.

• Try and get out of there. Can you go to a council / get help in finding your own flat / live with a relative. My MIL living with us is what helped turn things so horrific. It's controlling. You think you have to be a certain way or entertain people and what they want to do. Get out and get your own space. Being with people like that who don't respect you is toxic!

• Keep a diary or write on mumsnet - just keep records of when things go bad. Write what is said / What happens / How you feel. This was massive. I copied out everything I posted on mumsnet and when I read my thread back to myself I broke down. It's very sad reading. I didn't see it at the time but the spiral down to what happened in the end was so blatant but I couldn't see it. Please do this

- I hope this doesn't happen but I wish someone told me this --

• If things go bad or you feel unsafe call women's aid. They can get you into a refuge! They will let you and your baby escape to a location no one knows about. They will give you access to local services that will help you and your child. They will protect you. They can put flags on your address so that police/ council will know you are at risk. They can bend over backwards to help with housing, legal, safeguarding. Please please if you do end up in any trouble give these a call. I've been through more horrific events since my thread and I feel safe thanks to them.

It might be worth calling them now and talking to them. They will give you advice about your situation.

Call the police. If things go bad take your child and get somewhere safe.

-

Don't take this behaviour as harmless. Keep yourself and your child safe. Keep your child with you as much as possible and don't let your partner defend his mother's actions.

If you do decide to leave it doesn't have to go through court. If he is reasonable and a good person you can work things out amongst yourselves. Don't be afraid of the fall out if things go bad or if you want to leave. He should be supportive and understanding. You can message me if you need someone to talk to

Your DP is a bastard. Regardless of whether it's just hormones (which I don't think it is I think the woman is NUTS) he should see that you are struggling and still recovering and need some SPACE.

You won't move out when the financial situation improves trust me, he will find excuse after excuse to keep you all there.

Get out while you can!!!!

You sound like a different person now Hanna!

Op you'll be sounding like this too soon.

I think everyone should just calm down to be honest.
Mil was only around for 48 hours before she went away and maybe that's not enough time to really judge how the future is going to be.

Op is suffering from bleeding from her episiotomy, and has just given birth. She's still seeing the midwife. She's trying to establish breast feeding. She doesn't drive and it'll be a big deal to dramatically flounce off to her mother's home. The last thing she needs at the moment is being told to escalate things and leave her husband, however inappropriate it was for him to shout at her etc. She's safe and so is baby.
She needs to establish boundaries with mil and for that she needs to stay where she is. Mil works so will be out of the house in the daytime so op will get plenty of time alone with the baby. To be frank, op may soon be very pleased indeed for someone else to hold the baby by the evening!

She also needs to talk with her partner - a baby throws everything up in the air and off kilter- they need to start pulling together. I expect it's a major learning curve for him too. He may step up to the mark very well given a bit of time.
Op- I hope your week goes well. By Friday, things could be much better for you, as things get back to normal more, and you have plenty of time on your own with the baby.

Op- don’t do anything that burns bridges just yet. Go and stay with your mother for a few days. Don’t bf unless you really want to. Go and see the doctor about your episiotomy. Your mil hasn’t done anything that couldn’t be put down to over enthusiasm or different styles of dealing with babies apart from the incest remark - which is so bizarre that I can’ help wondering if there was some sort of misunderstanding - bearing in mind that she has always been nice before.

Go to your mum. Make no decisions for a few days. Then rethink.

Lost I was told the same things. You've obviously posted on here because things aren't good and your not sure where to turn. I had a lot of advice of people saying it's baby blues, You've just given birth, She's trying to help, establish boundaries and so on.
Nobody knows the extent of your situation only you do. Listen to your gut instincts and do what you feel is right. Alot of my experience hopefully and won't apply to you but those are the basics I can give to keep yourself protected incase something does happen. It's what nobody told me. Take what you will from my advice on what applies to your situation so that you know where to start if things start to get on top of you.
My involvement with this thread is over but as I said. Take what precautions you feel is necessary. I really think you would benefit from having your own place. Look on homes direct and look at what benefits you can get. Most importantly is to talk to somebody.

I won't be commenting but I hope all goes well and message me if you want to.

It is actually doable to start breast feeding now, but it is much harder at this point.

Honestly I think some people are pushing it because they think you should be bf rather than it will help with MIL as it clearly won't.

She didn't think you should do it from the off and she won't be happy you have taken the baby off her.

I would not give myself one more thing to worry about and would continue with bottle feeding (I say that as someone who bf three children).

He said that it's his parents' house and I cannot dictate who comes round. He said for me just to stay in the bedroom if I'm not up for it

If he inststs you live there it is your home. If visitors are there for your baby you may most certainly dictate that they will not be seeing the baby.

WHat you need to do now is have a word with your mother in law (or text if you feel more comfortable) explaining how you feel.

If she is genuinely lovely she will back off realise that the help she was offering and has upset you. If she kicks off or cries about how she was on y trying to help you go to your mothers.

Your husband will not get custody of the newborn. If he and the MIL actually drive you over the bend he may well then be able to get custody.

And she is clearly not going to support you in breastfeeding.

Thank you everyone. I'm for MIL to come home now. I think my partner sees my feelings as an attack on his mum and they're honestly not. It could've been anyone doing this, the fact that it's his Mum isn't relevant at all.

God knows who she's invited round tonight. I really need my DP to be more assertive.

I've explained to DP again about only us two feeding her (said about bonding etc) and he said fine. I am still trying with BF though. I do feel guilty that she hadn't magically latched on, but I'm going to try my hardest. As long as she eats, though.

If anything happens that makes me feel uncomfortable today, I'm going to leave. My own Mum was very anxious around me as a child and I don't want to replicate that

@HotSauceCommittee your threat was extremely emotional to read. I am going to follow your advice. I am extremely hopeful that this isn't as extreme, but I am definitely on high alert to have it not follow yours. I also hope that things are better for you now.

Thank you again everyone. I am also investing in a sling as we speak. She was a big big baby and I'm very small, so it'll work wonders regardless

@Hannabee123 your thread sorry **

Also if you feel uncomfortable saying no visitors you can just simply lie.

You've been adviced by the HV when she called today that pertussis nd a virulent flu are going around and you have been advised to not let anyone hold the baby unless necessary.

I'm glad you're giving BF-ing a shot - it's hard at first because the baby doesn't know how to do it yet, whether you started the minute she was born or a week later. Your health visitor will help OR google "lactation consultant" in your area and I bet you'll be able to find somebody lovely to come and spend an hour with you today to help you. Honestly - I would have given up at the v start without having someone to help me. I paid £25 an hour (I think?) for someone to help me 7 years ago. There are also drop-in places. You definitely don't have to do it on your own. It will also be good for you to have someone who is 100% on your team to talk things through.

If you can share the town or city you're in I can send you some links.