MIL wants me out

[Lost111]

I gave birth 6 days ago and I am living with my DPs family and will be until probably early next year.

The pregnancy was unplanned, we have no money and my DP's parents have been kind enough to take us in. My DP starts a new higher paid job in September and I'll go back to work in January. So this is just temporary and we will be back on our feet shortly.

My MIL was lovely to me during my pregnancy and we went out together a few times. But since the baby has been born, she's really taken over. She keeps telling me to go upstairs so that she can feed the baby and kept refusing to give the baby back to me when I asked. It's very overwhelming and tough for me as I am her mum and want to look after her myself! I am perfectly able to do so. She keeps referring to the baby as 'her baby' too, it's very frustrating.

She has been shunning me a lot and I feel very upset and alone. DP says that it's all fine, but I can definitely sense some hostility. He also refuses to move before we can really afford it we we'd be struggling for money, which of course makes sense. I just feel like I am a burden and she wants me out and have my DP and baby there alone.

She's been away for a few days and I sent her a message thanking her for how she was with me when I was pregnant; she read it but didn't respond.

What do I do?

I really don't want to damage my relationship with MIL. I don't want to upset anyone, I just want her to back off and establish that I'm her mum and that I'm in charge.

I don't think that makes me 'weird' or anything. DP is just adamant that she's overly excited (has been throughout the entire pregnancy, but I didn't mind)

She even kept wanting us to name the baby after her (they'd be too many 'L' sounds for my liking anyway...) but I just laughed it off and took it as a joke.

I've said to DP that regardless if I'm successful with BF, we are the only ones who feed the baby. Of course, she can cuddle and bond with Nanny but ffs!

She was saying before that she apparently loved passing my DP around to everyone as a baby and was grateful for the help. Made me feel like I was being over dramatic for asking for my child back.

I'm also really taking the advice of those saying not to get her registered just yet. I'd never dream of keeping her away from her dad, but I do need that element of control.

I'm feeling stronger this morning.
Thank you so much everyone.

My mum works and won't be home until 6-7 to collect me and I don't have a car.

I'm frustrated with myself that I have brought a baby into the world without means of transporting her myself. As soon as I'm strong enough, I will get my shit sorted.

And now he is shouting at you. What a total cunt. Get a bag packed ready tomorrow and warn your mum. They will both gang up on you tomorrow. Tell your hv about this too.

Have a hot shower and hand express to help the boobs soften and be less painful. Be warned thd milk may shoot out.

Ok so you’re going to wait and see. Please be careful. Your partner is calling you crazy and telling your baby you’re crazy. He shouted at you because she was sick. None of this is normal either.

I do wonder if he’s begged you to stay until his mother comes back as he thinks you won’t be able to fight against the two of them.

Did you read Hannah’s thread, which was posted a few pages ago? She had had a suicide attempt. The police gave the baby to the mil and husband and Hannah left the house. The police were very wrong to do it as a mother should never be split from her new baby. She found a lawyer and ended up not seeing her baby for 4 weeks, her mil and husband painted her as mentally and incapable of looking after the baby. The husband frequently called social services on her for spurious reasons. The mil was arrested. Last time she posted, her baby was having supervised visits with her husband.

You’re thinking perhaps you’re mamma bearing and misinterpreting the signals. Please be careful and see the midwife / breastfeeding counsellor alone.

sickofpeterrabbit - if you had read the full thread you would have seen that the OP told me this several pages back. I made an assumption when the OP said she didn't have family nearby.

I could have written this when I first had DS.
For some reason I had an irrational hatred of my normally lovely MIL who wanted to help when I didn’t want help.

We had a bit of a blazing row, she backed off, I then realised actually I did need help and went crawling back and now I have to beg her to have him

Sometimes things seem worse than they are when you’ve just given birth OP, but if In a few days your still stressed I would leave. It’s meant to be a happy time not a stressful one.

Thanks for the shooting advice, I'll definitely keep that in mind

I did read her thread. It terrified me but was a massive slap in the face

I see your mum can’t pick you up til 6/7. Have you decided to leave?

If so, can you pack up and leave the house before your partner and mil come back from work? Go and wait for her somewhere safe but they wouldn’t think to look? Perhaps take the bus to a town in between your mother’s place and your mils? Or is there any way you can get to your mothers house / place of work today?

I know you’re probably very tired and in pain.

Cross post, you read it. It was awful to read. I do hope you don’t find yourself in the same situation.

Please tell the midwife about all of this when she comes to see you today. Ask to see her alone without your partner or MIL present.

It seems to me that they are both gaslighting you, and you don't have anyone to advocate on your behalf.

Has your mother even seen the baby yet?

The incest comment reveals an out of control envy from the MIL. You've got to leave.

Read about dp shouting at you. The more you tell us about him the worse he sounds.
Agree with others ... don’t put him on the registration papers for baby and I would also leave him. He will only get worse.
MIL and dp are also gaslighting you to make you doubt yourself. Speak to the midwife alone !

I am so worried about you, OP. Your MIL is NUTS. Grade A nuts. You really need to get away from her asap. I am so glad your mom is there in the picture, once your pain subsides please stay with her at least for a few days in order to get your space away from that nutter.

I will say this again - you are NOT crazy. You are a strong woman who is doing her best to fight the real crazy person to take over her life. There is definitely one crazy person in this situation and that's the one who thinks breastfeeding is incest (I just cannot seem to move pass this mindfrickin statement!)

From personal experience here's one advice - do not feel sorry for MIL or emphathise with her. My best friend did this and she was the one who was ultimately sorry. You cannot feel sorry for a snake, they will behave as it is their nature. You are a good person and you don't want to hurt anyone, but I think in this situation it's either them or you, and you have to choose yourself because there is a child involved now - YOUR child.

Please trust your gut instinct. Escape before this escalates and gives you more grief.

Your (D)p calling you crazy is a massive red flag. This is mirroring the other thread in such a scary way.

Op when i has my first baby, I struggled even letting her father hold her. That's how much I hated being away from her. That's normal.

Stop worrying about upsetting people. They sure as hell aren't worried about upsetting you.

But your partners comments and actions are really worrying. His actions tell you that he will always side with his mummy over you.

And your daughter will know absolutely no different than separate parents if you decide to leave. But she will know her mummy not being on edge and not being able to hold her or feed her or feeling like she should be able to do.

Really speak to your midwife.

Good luck today.

For what it’s worth, I don’t think your being weird or ungrateful.

The MIL has dictated the way you feed your baby, when you hold your baby and what peace and quiet you get. Calling it “her baby” and being off with you and ignoring your texts is pretty sick if you ask me. She clearly sees you as a child making vessel and nothing more.

I actually think your DP is as bad as your MIL, the apple clearly didn't fall far from the tree. How dare he call the mother of his baby crazy? It's a good idea to talk about this with someone independent, that way you'll start to see things differently. It can get so confusing when you've got 2 people gaslighting you, it makes you question everything, and yes it makes you feel as though you're losing your mind. (I can now understand that my DM has done that all my life.)

Another one that is worried about you OP. You’re not nuts. You’re surrounded by people that are though! Their attitudes and words are not appropriate now.

Please call your midwife/health visitor and get someone on your side, physically.

I’d be going to your mums regardless, just so she can help you. Please don’t stay and let yourself be trodden down and made to feel less than you are x

That incest comment is disgusting..please keep your distance from that woman, who says that to a new Mum?!

OP, I don't know if anyone's already mentioned this about your stitches coming undone but I wouldn't worry about it too much. I had an episiotomy that started to come undone on day 4/5, by about week 6 I was completely healed. I saw the perineal specialist midwife at my local women's hospital and she said it was very common for the top layers of skin stiches to come apart. She said to take cool baths to keep them clean, you can pour water on after going to the toilet to clean and get some time with them exposed to the air (lying on your bed with no underwear on and a towel under you). Don't use a hairdryer as you'll often see mentioned as it can cause bacteria to breed.

I completely understand the "my baby" thing. My MIL used to say it when my dd was tiny and the response it generated in me was visceral rage. I HATED it. With hindsight I can see it was just a turn of phrase, it meant nothing - but at the time I loathed it - dd was MY baby! Those hormones are powerful things. They're designed to make us protect and care for our babies, but they can skew things somewhat.

I don't even have kids and the idea of someone else calling my (hypothetical!) child "their" baby makes my blood boil! I don't think it's hormonal, it's just human instinct to stop other people laying claim to your kids, as this MIL is doing.

OP is definitely wise to avoid putting DP on the birth certificate. I would get out of there asap, get some SUPPORT and let the DP shout at her from a distance rather than in the same house!

Thankfully OP this mad woman is not actually your MIL( yet). I would keep it that way!
She just happens to be the mother of your partner but she’s acting like she has rights over you and the baby.
You can still leave even without transport of your own. Overnight bag and sling for baby and public transport.
Once at your mum’s you can ask for more help/ go with mum to collect more stuff.

Op really hope you are okay. Just remember your baby needs you right now, not granny or really even dad but you. You can do this.

She was saying before that she apparently loved passing my DP around to everyone as a baby and was grateful for the help. Made me feel like I was being over dramatic for asking for my child back

I enjoyed passing my baby around.

Difference is, I did it on my terms, to people I'd invited, who would never think of pressuring me to hand over my baby or not giving my baby back when asked.

I was not expected to pass my baby to people I didn't know well when I didn't feel like it. And certainly not when I was just out of hospital.

When my DS was 5 months old, we stayed with MIL for a bit, and I did enjoy random MIL's friends passing the baby around then. But that was VERY different - I wasn't just out of hospital, we'd established our bond and BFing, and I was in an environment I feel comfortable in. No one was undermining me as a mother.

Your MIL is being very unreasonable. It should be totally up to you how much time you spend with you baby and who gets to have a hold.

And now is too soon, you shouldn't be expected to have visitors if you don't feel up to it. It's very normal to not have visitors at first.

@Lost111 just to let you know that you absolutely CAN breastfeed or at least give it a go if you want to! Just because you didn't start on day 1 it doesn't mean you can't do it. Feel free to pm me if you want any advice or help or just to chat. There's lots of us who have expressed for a while and then breastfed later. I exclusively pumped for both of my kids. My friend started breastfeeding at 8 weeks. It's possible if you want it to be xx

I think a few days at your moms is a good idea, just to give you some space. However, I very much doubt that she is trying to steal your baby from you. I followed Hannah's thread and those situations are extremely rare, and as she had attempted suicide it was a very different situation to yours. My DM refers to my DD as her baby all of the time, she told me breastfeeding was disgusting and when I had to formula feed was forever trying to take the bottle to feed DD, but I didn't let her. She wouldn't give DD back when she cried until I'd repeatedly asked and is constantly hinting at having DD alone, she's 10 months and I still haven't let her. Your MIL sounds extremely pushy and annoying, but that doesn't mean she wants you out, she's probably over excited and selfishly not considered your feelings as a new mom. And your hormones are all over the place and your feeling protective of your baby, which is normal. On top of that you're having to live in her house, where you don't feel completely comfortable. Go to your moms, get a couple of days space and have a chat with you MIL about how you're feeling. My MIL drove me mad with offers of babysitting and when I explained that I didn't want space from my new baby she stopped.

As for not registering your baby yet, that's a bit over the top. Only in exceptional circumstances (such as concerns over a mothers mental health) would a court take a tiny baby away from their mom. Your hormones are all over the place at the moment and you are more vulnerable now, having stories like the previous thread told to you and advice to not register your baby is bound to worry you and could make you more anxious.

By all means go to your moms for a bit, but your MIL sounds like a typical over excited grandmother who thinks she's helping by letting you have time to rest (as you've said, she was happy to let others do the same when she was a new mom) without considering that you don't want time away from your baby. And the situation is more intense as you live with her.