MIL wants me out

[Lost111]

I gave birth 6 days ago and I am living with my DPs family and will be until probably early next year.

The pregnancy was unplanned, we have no money and my DP's parents have been kind enough to take us in. My DP starts a new higher paid job in September and I'll go back to work in January. So this is just temporary and we will be back on our feet shortly.

My MIL was lovely to me during my pregnancy and we went out together a few times. But since the baby has been born, she's really taken over. She keeps telling me to go upstairs so that she can feed the baby and kept refusing to give the baby back to me when I asked. It's very overwhelming and tough for me as I am her mum and want to look after her myself! I am perfectly able to do so. She keeps referring to the baby as 'her baby' too, it's very frustrating.

She has been shunning me a lot and I feel very upset and alone. DP says that it's all fine, but I can definitely sense some hostility. He also refuses to move before we can really afford it we we'd be struggling for money, which of course makes sense. I just feel like I am a burden and she wants me out and have my DP and baby there alone.

She's been away for a few days and I sent her a message thanking her for how she was with me when I was pregnant; she read it but didn't respond.

What do I do?

Sorry @Coolaschmoola, she's been away since Friday afternoon. I gave birth last Monday, home Wednesday morning. MIL turned up all visiting hours without asking me first (DP had let her know where we were)

I really hope you're right and I'm just being a bit Mumma Bear and my hormones are rife

Talk to your HV about breastfeeding. Baby might need some help getting the idea. Don't worry if it doesn't work out, but if you want it, HV might have ideas.

Hang in there. This is your baby and MIL can't have her.

Thank you @JoanFrenulum

I've just bottle fed her and she chucked up the contents all over me. DP shouted she said that I hadn't winded her properly, but was there the whole time and didn't comment/offer to help. I feel so so awful now that I've made my baby sick

@Lost111

1. She is your baby. All she needs is you.

1. You owe your MIL nothing. Stop trying to work out whether or not you've offended her.

1. Breastfeeding is the most natural and normal thing in the world. I have never heard anything so barmy as the suggestion it is "incest".

Please trust me that your hormones don't make you entirely lose your ability to think or process information. Do not accept your MIL or your DP telling you you're crazy. You are not. If (and that is a big IF) you are suffering from PND there is help available for you. Engage with your HV and make sure you keep you 6wk check with your GP. PND can be frightening and it should never be used as a weapon to keep a new mum scared of her own mind or unable to make her own decisions. Your hormones are there for a reason- to make you protect your baby. Listen to what your body is telling you.

Please try and persist with the breastfeeding. It is very painful to start with, especially around now when your milk has come in and your breasts are engorged. Try hand expressing to soften your breasts (you can give the expressed milk to your daughter). The softer breast will allow your baby to latch on easier. It isn't easy but your baby's instinct is to latch. Persist. She will learn. It gets so much easier so quickly and is entirely painless after a few weeks (if not sooner).

Your MIL has absolutely no right to separate you from your baby. She has no right to tell you to stay upstairs so that she can be the one to feed her. Look up the fourth trimester- your baby wants and needs you, and you alone. Everyone else's job is to take care of you while you take care of your baby. They are failing you and making you doubt yourself.

This thread is so reminiscent of Hanna's that it's making me worried for you.

@Lost111 you didn't make your baby sick, she just was sick. I think breast feeding may help baby and keep your mother in law at bay.

I've not read all the posts so I am not completely clear about everything. I think from what I have read your mother in law sounds a bit overbearing and partner sounds a bit useless. But as I say I've not read it all.

I'd tell your mother in law how her taking your baby is bothering you.

If things do not improve I'd look into what else may be possible. Could you get assisted housing? Could you live with a relative.

Please talk to your health visitor if you need more support. Good luck. [

Clean yourselves up, pack a bag, phone for a taxi & leave. You don't need this little mummies boy in your lives.

Also, babies are sick all the time. ALL. THE. TIME. Especially bottle fed babies who often get more in volume than they need. At this age a baby's stomach is the size of a marble. You haven't made her ill and your DP is being wildly unsupportive here. Ignore him.

So agree with robindeer "Your MIL has absolutely no right to separate you from your baby. She has no right to tell you to stay upstairs so that she can be the one to feed her. Look up the fourth trimester- your baby wants and needs you, and you alone. Everyone else's job is to take care of you while you take care of your baby. They are failing you and making you doubt yourself."

You need to speak to your HV about getting the FUCK OUT OF THAT HOUSE! Especially if DP is going to minimise everything you say to him to make you feel like you are going crazy. This is called gaslighting. You are not crazy, you are a first-time mother, who is in pain, living in a a shitty situation and you need help ASAP. Your baby will be ok. They vomit a lot. If you are worried about it, speak to your HV about that as well. Don't confide in MIL about anything as it will be used as a weapon. You are undoubtedly shell-shocked after the birth and this is a logical response to it all. You need to grow a pair right now and learn to say no to unreasonable demands so that you can bond with YOUR baby. This means MIL and all her bloody friends/relatives, etc. If you need to lock yourself and the baby in your room to rest, just do it, making sure that you let them know that you do not wish to be disturbed. (Normal people do this, btw - don't let anyone make you think otherwise!!!)

I second that you didn't make your LO sick. The valve between their stomach and oesophagus isn't fully developed, they all do it. Sometimes mine doesn't even give you a chance to start winding, it happens.

Dearest OP,
Please go to your mother's. Ask her to come and get you. You're in a nightmare. It's not your imaginaton.

My mil is horrid. I found that breast feeding was the perfect solution. I was food. Nobody else could do it. She couldn't keep dc and I had excuse to take dc and go upstairs....ALONE.

Run far. Run fast. Dp is a monkey's butt. My dh was supportive and kind to me.

YOUR DP SHOULD BE KIND AND NEVER YELL AT YOU.

Sadly, I doubt this will get better. One primary rule of life is new mothers need their own mother if possible. My mother stayed with us for the first two weeks and took care of me while I took care of baby and dh took care of all of us. Actually, they kinda took turns with meals,etc.

If baby was a happy accident, you may not have chosen your dp without your pregnancy. Please go home to your mother. Let time and space give you time to bond with baby and give you perspective on your (dubious) relationship.
Best wishes, take good care. And yes, hormones are probably kicking in, but that doesn't mean you're not coherent and intelligent and a damn good mother.

I'm still upset about your position. I love my dd so much. I'ld go crazy if she were I your position.
Those two are going against nature; mothers and babies bond. Fathers support you two and mil is respectful. CALL your mum and let her support you until you're confident about your opinions and feelings.

Congratulations on your beautiful baby.

Dearest OP,
Your mil is CRAZY. Breastfeeding is NOT INCEST!!!!!
I repeat: Try to breastfeed and call your mum. You need to be far, far away.

I agree with other post that said not to put dp on birth certificate.

Anyone who equates breastfeeding with sex is sick. You need every weapon possible to protect your child from that family.

Please get help leaving. There is nothing you can say that changes my opinion, be strong, be confident, seek help.

Good grief! I'm guilty of not rtwt. I thought I read you could go to your own mother. I'm beyond sorry OP. Please take other's advice on how to leave.

It's difficult to know if you are just tired, overwhelmed and feeling it difficult to stop an over excited granny, or whether you really do have a problem. It's only been a week and she hasn't been there for half of it.

Right. You are feeling in pain and are emotionally vulnerable now. It's difficult to assert yourself but you need to tell bf and his mum that you need a bit of time, with your baby to bond and heal. That they can help speed this process up by letting you rest in the bedroom with your baby. Make sure you have her when you want her. Let them have her on your terms- when you need a rest or for a few minutes every hour.

Try not to view her as the enemy just yet. It's all very new and exciting for her. Set the boundaries and calmly insist she sticks to them. It sounds like she wants to help but you need to channel that help in the right direction. "I'll hold her now but if you could just do xxx, that would be very helpful. Thanks". "I'd like her now but perhaps you could keep an eye on her later whilst I xXxX. That would be great" "not just now. I need to have her. I'll tell you when it's convenient,". "I'm her mum. She needs to bond with me, so I need her most of the time" "it's early days at the moment. I need time with her to bond"

Good luck. Give it a go. Everything may seem much better if you can channel her natural excitement into actual helping, so give her little jobs to do.
If in a few days time she is ignoring your boundaries, then you can rethink going to your mum's. Try the assertiveness route first. Be polite, calm but be persistent. Good luck op.

Oh my goodness, the BF is incest thing is just... wow. Can you get some local BF support?

I agree you have a massive DP problem. You poor thing - those early days are so hard, and you need someone who totally has your back.

Lost 6 days isnt too late to start bf. My ds ended up in nicu for a week after birth. They were worried about infection and he had an umbilical line in meaning we couldn't hold him at all until day 5 and it was day 6 before I was first given the option to try and feed him. I know bf can be difficult to establish but it doesn't mean it will be. Ds just took to it right away.. (He is a hungry baby mind you) but now he is 13 weeks and has been tube fed, bottle fed, breast fed and had a dummy. At a week old he was getting a mix of all of these (I'd been discharged from hospital already and wasn't allowed to stay overnight so couldn't fully breastfeed)
As I said ds just took to it. I didn't know what I was doing. Although I did have a nurse on hand if I needed her the first time to get him latched on but I'm sure your midwife or health visitor would help you if you ask. I know my experience is just mine and others have a much harder time but that doesn't mean it definitely will be. If you want to do it it is worth trying.

I just kept saying 'can I have my baby back please???' until she handed her over.

You're asking permission. Don't. Tell her what's going to happen.

"Okay! It's time to hand her back."

"I said to hand her to me."
"Give me my baby back, please."

"Give me my daughter."

"Now."

"No, I'm going to do it."

"No. She is my daughter, and I'm the one who decides who will feed/bathe/change/rock her."

"Thank you, but your help isn't needed at this moment." (Kinder version: "I appreciate it, but I've got it.")

"No." And move to take her.

And the phrase, "She's your grand daughter, but my daughter. It's my turn to get to do all the baby things," could come in handy.

Remember that both "No" and "Now" are full sentences, and this is also a situation you are fully entitled to say, "Because I'm the mother, that's why!"

Oh, and to her crazy stuff like incest? Use some phrases from Etiquette Hell.

"What an interesting assumption."

"I'm sorry you feel that way. Will you please hand me that diaper?"

Just read your message about do saying you didn't wind her properly and that why she brought feed up..
Babies bring up feeds.
I'm a first time mum but a few weeks ahead of you. I remember phoning my mum in absolutely panic because ds had brought up his feed. Although she wasn't in and I got my dad who quite rightly pointed out that it probably wasn't the whole feed. As he said if you spill a tiny bit of water it can look like far more than it is. He also pointed out that most babies do spit up and that I was an absolute nightmare for that as a baby ds has only done it a few times touch wood often it is caused by a burp but not because he hasn't been winded. It just happens. Your doing a great job. My dh also thought I was a bit mad sitting the first few weeks but things have called down now. I think in part he done it hard not knowing what to do it being able to help. Maybe dp is anxious about what he can do or worried because baby is still so small.

Op Congratulations. Sorry you are in a tough tough situation. Try and get help to get BFing established that is your top priority. Take baby to bed and try. BF is hard to get established but it is the ultimate in fast food, if you can do it.

You will be under MW for another few days, until day 10. Once she hands you over to HV go to your mum's for a few days at least. Use the excuse you want to visit your family. Is she a supporter of BFing?

Meanwhile take advantage of the time Mil is away and at work. Use that lock on the door when she is home.

Neither GM's were supportive of BFing. Both in their now in early 70's, I think they listened to much to the post war propaganda pushing FFing so mothers could get back to work.

I managed to get BFing established before I moved in with MIL, we were there for 6 months. BFing was the biggest thing that kept me sane. And knowing MIL would have wanted to give every bottle was the extra drive to keep going. Staying with MIL was incredibly tough, over excited granny, always thought she knew best, kept spouting the same 40 year old out of date advice.

Good luck Op, I'm sure you can get things established.

Thank you everyone

I honestly just feel like a bit of a shaky mess. I'm going to have to see how MIL is today and I will call the helpline for BF as soon as I can

Please go to your Mums. I've been in a similar position and you can't get back those first precious few weeks. I look back now and absolutely despise myself for letting people walk all over me. Your DP is being a selfish unsupportive dick. Please please pack and go to your Mums for a while.

Please leave that awful house. You need support and people who treat you with kindness. The incident where your dp yelled at you is horrible. He should not treat you like that.

Please go to your mums as soon as you can.

I agree with trying to establish breastfeeding. There will be a bf clinic who can help you if you need it.

Morning @Lost111. I hope you’re feeling a bit better this morning. The baby vomiting isn’t your fault. That’s pretty much their job along with pooping and crying. :)

I would suggest giving your mum a ring this morning to say/ ask you’ll be visiting her for a week or so. Pack a bag secretly and then leave the house when your baby’s father is gone. If she can, ask your DM to pick you up. Explain to her that you don’t feel safe.

Again, you are not crazy. These people are being mean and emotionally manipulative to you. You’re sensing something wrong because there is something wrong. Those are the hormones kicking in because they’re trying to tell you to protect your baby and yourself. If you would’ve never chosen this person as a long term partner with the exception of this happy little accident, then it’s totally okay to walk away. Preserving yourself and your baby is key. ❤️

I'm going to have to see how MIL is today...

Honestly? No you don’t. You don’t have to deal with these mean people anymore if you don’t want to. You don’t have to compromise your mental and physical health while they gaslight you. It’s really that simple. :)