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Original poster

MIL wants me out

545 replies

Lost111 · 03/06/2018 13:00

I gave birth 6 days ago and I am living with my DPs family and will be until probably early next year.

The pregnancy was unplanned, we have no money and my DP's parents have been kind enough to take us in. My DP starts a new higher paid job in September and I'll go back to work in January. So this is just temporary and we will be back on our feet shortly.

My MIL was lovely to me during my pregnancy and we went out together a few times. But since the baby has been born, she's really taken over. She keeps telling me to go upstairs so that she can feed the baby and kept refusing to give the baby back to me when I asked. It's very overwhelming and tough for me as I am her mum and want to look after her myself! I am perfectly able to do so. She keeps referring to the baby as 'her baby' too, it's very frustrating.

She has been shunning me a lot and I feel very upset and alone. DP says that it's all fine, but I can definitely sense some hostility. He also refuses to move before we can really afford it we we'd be struggling for money, which of course makes sense. I just feel like I am a burden and she wants me out and have my DP and baby there alone.

She's been away for a few days and I sent her a message thanking her for how she was with me when I was pregnant; she read it but didn't respond.

What do I do?

OP posts:
sleepingdragons · 03/06/2018 22:10

If you do go to your mums, you don't need to say you're going to live there, you can just say you're in pain and need time to rest and recuperate, and you can't do that with people coming and going, so you're going to stay with your mum for now.

Then just take each day as it comes.

If DP and/or MIL kick off, so be it. Then they'll be showing their true colours, that won't be your doing.

Your priority is the health of you and your baby. Anyone who doesn't see that's the priority right now doesn't get a say.

Original poster
Lost111 · 03/06/2018 22:11

I'm so anxious about her coming home tomorrow

OP posts:
sleepingdragons · 03/06/2018 22:14

I have had quite a stressful evening. BF still not happening and I've bottle fed her. I feel like such a failure.

Please, please don't feel a failure! So many people find it tough at first, you're in very good company.

Give yourself a massive well done for trying, seriously!! Flowers

If you want to keep trying there are lots of things you can try, finding support from experts and other mums is the first step. Try the helplines, they're likely to be better informed than many HVs.

But, if it's too much stress, then that's just the way it is and it isn't the end of the world, not by a long way xxx

sleepingdragons · 03/06/2018 22:14

I have had quite a stressful evening. BF still not happening and I've bottle fed her. I feel like such a failure.

Please, please don't feel a failure! So many people find it tough at first, you're in very good company.

Give yourself a massive well done for trying, seriously!! Flowers

If you want to keep trying there are lots of things you can try, finding support from experts and other mums is the first step. Try the helplines, they're likely to be better informed than many HVs.

But, if it's too much stress, then that's just the way it is and it isn't the end of the world, not by a long way xxx

GabriellaMontez · 03/06/2018 22:14

Totally agree. Look after yourself and your baby.

Coyoacan · 03/06/2018 22:16

Drink lots of liquids and put the baby to your breast when they are hungry, then give them the bottle afterwards until the milk started to come.

I hope you find things easier with your MIL tomorrow, nobody should be stressing you out at the moment

sleepingdragons · 03/06/2018 22:16

I'm so anxious about her coming home tomorrow

I'm sorry you feel like that.

Remember, you're the one with the power here, even if it doesn't feel like it.

It's your baby, not your MIL's. And you have an escape route if you need it.

Is your DP starting to listen to you?

TaggieRR · 03/06/2018 22:29

Good luck OP. I hope you can breastfeed but please don’t feel a failure if it doesn’t work. You’re getting used to being a mum after a tough labour. Be kind to yourself and go to your mums for a break if you need it.

Lizzie48 · 03/06/2018 22:33

Remember, you're the one with the power here, even if it doesn't feel like it.

That is so true. I'm only just learning it myself. My DM has always tried to take over my life, though she wouldn't see it that way. She interferes in my parenting of my DDs, and undermines me. But I've cut myself off from her and gone low contact. And she can't do anything about it, it's helped me so much to see that.

But you do need to get away from her, and your DP too, I think. If you set the boundaries, then you'll hopefully make him reassess his priorities. If he doesn't get it, then you'll know he's not the man you thought he was.

hammeringinmyhead · 03/06/2018 22:34

I wasn't encouraging the breastfeeding to get rid of MiL. I said that it might help to OP feel more back in control, given she wanted to in the first place. It's really common for relatives to discourage breastfeeding so they can bottle feed the baby.

LashingsOfHamAndGingerBeer · 03/06/2018 22:35

I honestly think you should leave before she returns home.

seven201 · 03/06/2018 22:57

I think you should see how she is over the next few days. She was probably very excited about being a grandmother. My mil was very clingy to my dd when she was newborn and it did drive me mad. She calmed down massively. You need to be assertive and say "please don't take my dd" when she goes to take her off you. Your dh needs to have a word with her about calling your dd hers and just asking her to give you space. He should be saying no visitors too. I think your dh needs to step up.

Get help with re-establishing feeding. I don't think it's as easy as just offering breast. La leche league will be able to give proper advice. It's definitely possible, my friend did it after a few weeks break (she'd been incorrectly told she couldn't breastfeed due to her post natal depression meds).

nced · 03/06/2018 23:11

Hi OP, I was in a similar situation as you when I was 17, once the baby was born it felt like my MIL Just wanted me out the picture and would get me to do the mundane work such as hanging washing out and cooking dinner as she cuddled up to the baby. DH thought it was a sign of affection. So wouldn't say anything.

At the time it really got to me and one day I took my baby to the GP and just burst out crying. They helped me get a council.

Now I do see it as her trying to help me by bathing the baby, putting the baby to sleep etc. But at the time I felt she was just taking over.

There is help or there please seek it. You are not alone Thanks

nced · 03/06/2018 23:11

Hi OP, I was in a similar situation as you when I was 17, once the baby was born it felt like my MIL Just wanted me out the picture and would get me to do the mundane work such as hanging washing out and cooking dinner as she cuddled up to the baby. DH thought it was a sign of affection. So wouldn't say anything.

At the time it really got to me and one day I took my baby to the GP and just burst out crying. They helped me get a council.

Now I do see it as her trying to help me by bathing the baby, putting the baby to sleep etc. But at the time I felt she was just taking over.

There is help or there please seek it. You are not alone Thanks

eggncress · 03/06/2018 23:17

Enjoy tomorrow before mil gets home. An opportunity to have a word with dp and make it clear you want time to bond with baby as a family, that you don’t want baby being taken off you and paraded amongst visitors without you. Just say you don’t feel comfortable with the current situation( without criticising mil) and you hope things will improve. Add , if you want to, that you’ll be going off to your mum’s soon anyway because she wants to see baby too.
You say your mum is not very motherly but she may surprise herself ... and you... once she gets to meet her grandchild properly.

Maelstrop · 03/06/2018 23:22

Ok, but you stay upstairs in the bedroom with your baby

Exactly, you need privacy to get the baby latching.

Maelstrop · 03/06/2018 23:24

And OP, this is YOUR baby. You don’t have to let your mil take her from you. As mentioned previously, get a sling. It’s impossible to take a baby off someone who has it in a sling. And practise saying no, firmly, really mean it.

SickofPeterRabbit · 04/06/2018 00:18

DO NOT PUT DP ON BIRTH CERTIFICATE!!!!!!! Not yet.....

This is IMPERATIVE

@Lost111 OP please please PM me. I can help.....

SickofPeterRabbit · 04/06/2018 00:19

@supersop60 Op stated she has her Mum who she could stay with. Please read the full thread

SteamTrainsRealAleandOpenFires · 04/06/2018 00:20

He said for me just to stay in the bedroom if I'm not up for it

Purdah comes to mind here.

StaplesCorner · 04/06/2018 00:28

DP has begged for us to see how it goes with his mum tomorrow. I have agreed for one more night.

So then they'll both be there to gang up on the OP this is so sad.

SickofPeterRabbit · 04/06/2018 00:37

Is your DP due to leave the house at all tomorrow? Can you possibly leave then with the baby???

BlueEyedBengal · 04/06/2018 00:40

Tell the health visitors mid wife that she is taking over and freezing you out say it in front of her, embarrass her out of it. Her behaviour is not normal and will do serious harm to your bonding with baby. Stop it now put her in her place before it escalates. She is the nanny not the mamma and needs a wake up call to help you not hinder you . Thanks

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/06/2018 00:59

Oh OP - your updates make it all sound so much worse - your DP is an utter arse for telling you you're crazy, what an unsupportive fuckwit!

Do please get your mum to come and get you, I doubt your P or his family will facilitate you getting there. You need someone on YOUR side, and clearly your P is not at the moment.

Fuck his begging, who the fuck does he think he is at this moment? He's not giving any kind of shit about you or your feelings, only his mum's and his. NOT a good partner.

Coolaschmoola · 04/06/2018 01:24

Op - your dd is 6 days old. How long was MIL away for?

You've also said that she works full time so she won't be there most of the day.

You said your MIL was great up until after the baby was born... You also said that you had a difficult birth.

I think your hormones have kicked in big style and you are being Mama Bear. It's totally natural but it's not always rational.

You've avoided answering questions about how long you were actually at home for before MIL went away.

If she was really wanting to take over she would have cancelled her trip. If she really wanted to take over she would have taken a few weeks off work, or even given up working (you said they have money). She hasn't done any of those things.

She has five children. She has probably forgotten what it felt like to be a new mum. By number five it's highly likely she was happy to take any and all help she could get - and she tried to do the same for you. My friend literally cried when I gave her a break from her third at two days old.

People are different. It's highly unlikely she's flipped from great to evil. She probably thinks she's being supportive, letting you rest. Have you tried talking to her?

I completely understand the "my baby" thing. My MIL used to say it when my dd was tiny and the response it generated in me was visceral rage. I HATED it. With hindsight I can see it was just a turn of phrase, it meant nothing - but at the time I loathed it - dd was MY baby! Those hormones are powerful things. They're designed to make us protect and care for our babies, but they can skew things somewhat.

I really think you should talk to her; tell her how you are feeling - I think she'll be mortified. This could all be cleared up with a conversation. If it's not, then go to your mum's - but at least give her a chance to hear how you are feeling.

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