MIL wants me out

[Lost111]

I gave birth 6 days ago and I am living with my DPs family and will be until probably early next year.

The pregnancy was unplanned, we have no money and my DP's parents have been kind enough to take us in. My DP starts a new higher paid job in September and I'll go back to work in January. So this is just temporary and we will be back on our feet shortly.

My MIL was lovely to me during my pregnancy and we went out together a few times. But since the baby has been born, she's really taken over. She keeps telling me to go upstairs so that she can feed the baby and kept refusing to give the baby back to me when I asked. It's very overwhelming and tough for me as I am her mum and want to look after her myself! I am perfectly able to do so. She keeps referring to the baby as 'her baby' too, it's very frustrating.

She has been shunning me a lot and I feel very upset and alone. DP says that it's all fine, but I can definitely sense some hostility. He also refuses to move before we can really afford it we we'd be struggling for money, which of course makes sense. I just feel like I am a burden and she wants me out and have my DP and baby there alone.

She's been away for a few days and I sent her a message thanking her for how she was with me when I was pregnant; she read it but didn't respond.

What do I do?

Do you have a mobile number for your midwife? Text them, tell them what's going on, that you need to see them urgently but that it will probably be difficult to talk while in the house. You need to find somewhere to feel safe and relax and bond with your little baby (congratulations by the way!). You may also need antibiotics for your stitches if they are that painful, they could be infected. Your midwife is there to help YOU, not just your baby, and they will help you, but you need to tell them what's going on. Personally I do agree with trying to bf, it will give you the time and space to sit on your bed and not have to engage with anyone except your baby. Lock the door if you need to. But most of all... You can do this. You carried your baby for nine months, there is only one mummy in that room and it's you x

boopsy she has said more than once, that she wanted to BF.
Her MIL talked her out of it.

@lost111: “you’ve been weird”?! Wtaf. Ask him to be 6 days postpartum with hormones, a crotch that is shredded, sore and bloody, no privacy and being undermined by those who should be protecting and supporting her.

I’d then take baby into a room, shut the door and tell him to fuck off until he can show the support you need.

Yes, you can dictate visitors if they’re here the see the baby. That baby and YOU are one package.

You need someone in your corner to help you, not berate you and make you feel silly. This is your most vulnerable time as a mother, you don’t need this shit

OP, have you been discharged from your Midwife yet? If not, call her, ask to see her and explain everything you’ve said here. She may be able to speak to your DP for you (who at the moment is being a massive bellend). She may be able to support you in finding somewhere else to live. She should definitely be able to help with the feeding.

If I were you in the morning, I would google breastfeeding support groups in your area (or ask your Midwife) and move heaven and earth to get to one tomorrow. Face to face support is so valuable. Have you got any friends who haven breastfed or are currently breastfeeding? I’ve fed 2 babies and if a friend was struggling with feeding a newborn I would drop everything to go round and help. I think most people would, for a friend.

Id also pack your stuff and go to ‘Visit’ your mum. For an indefinite period. You’re not leaving, you’re just visiting. Then you can have some headspace and decide what you want to do next.

Good luck OP. Day 6 is hard at the best of times. X

My son was mostly bottle fed for the first week, he had nipple confusion and wouldn’t breastfeed. He would fall asleep on the breast and not take anything in, after checking his latch was good the midwife told me to stop bottles altogether if I wanted to breastfeed and tickle his feet during a feed so he woke up, this worked and we managed to breastfeed exclusively after that. You will probably need some good support for the breastfeeding, there are techniques to learn that help to successfully breastfeed, these are normally passed down generations by mothers but the knowledge has been forgotten due to extensive bottle feeding.

Actually, I have had infant feeding training very recently. I was not giving advice, or deterring the OP. I was reacting to the advice from others telling her to BF to keep the mother in law away. Additional pressure can tip women over the edge. If the OP is adamant on BF now & feels strong enough mentally, then I would say go for it. But given that the OP is feeling very intimidated by the MIL currently, using BF as a tool to keep her away won’t help.

Pippin8 have you seen the post where OP said her MIL thinks that breastfeeding is like incest?
The OP said she has milk and wanted to breastfeed, the MIL takes the baby to bottle feed him (call him «my baby») and tells OP to have a rest.

I think the advice to try and initiate breastfeeding is really poor to be honest. And I say that as a former midwife

Actually I've found some of the most impatient and 'may as well bottle feed' people have been Midwives, so your comment doesn't mean much to me.

Check out YouTube for some support with starting the breastfeeding. Search for Nancy mohrbacher - has lots of good videos showing you how to do it.

Just make sure stay in the bedroom WITH DD if you dont feel like socialising.

Can you get to a local mums group or breastfeeding service tomorrow, you need some positivity around to to help you to breastfeed? Promise us you will call your midwife or health visitor first thing in the morning.

FWIW I dont think your DP has your back. He needs to have your back. The midwife may be able to tal

I had a similar scenario except I had my own house but MIL lives 5 mins away whereas my parents are 4 hrs away. And I was bottle feeding and MIL wanted me to breast feed. It all blew up when DD was 10 days old when she accused me of poisoning her 'poor precious granddaughter'. Fortunately DH listened to my dad who, exasperated with me and mum wailing to each other on the phone, phoned DH up and reminded him of our marriage vows.

I was reacting to the advice from others telling her to BF to keep the mother in law away.

She said she wanted to BF, it's not just about keeping the MIL away.

When the midwife or HV comes make sure you see her ON YOUR OWN. No MiL or DP there 'explaining' for you, or being in the way so you can't talk privately. If you need your episiotomy seen to that's a good reason for being on your own with them.

OP get away to your Mums as soon as you can. Your partners mother is an awful, awful person and your partner is no better. He will always back up his mums batshittery so you and your child would be infinitely better off without these fuckers in your lives.
I am seriously worried about your situation. Please put your and your child's welfare front and center.

Hello OP. Congratulations on your baby girl :) I'm sorry you're in pain with the stitches and that you aren't getting the right support.
I agree with PP that you should try to breastfeed, but don't make that another source of stress. Just hang out with your little baby, somewhere quiet, and see if you can relax together. I struggled to breastfeed (I found the holds really awkward and stressful) and what really worked for me was feeding lying down on my side, holding her next to me, and gently encouraging her. Perhaps that could work for you? Good luck, and don't be bullied. Your baby, your body, your decisions. Take care.

Go to your mums pronto but on the way take a trip to the registrar and register your dd and then go and get the space you need at your mums

It might be worth getting your stitches looked at by a GP and swabbed for infection. Not being able to sit properly is miserable and must be horrible when you aren’t somewhere that feels like home.

Also, MIL says that breastfeeding is 'incest' and she didn't do it with her five children...

This on its own makes me think you need to run for the hills. Your MIL is being so manipulative and you need to get away from her. I echo the PPs who have said you should go and stay with your mum, your DP needs to seriously rethink his priorities.

for you, you and your little girl will be absolutely fine. You just need to get away from there.

If I was in your position,I'd find out when the next breast feeding support group is and get there straight away. Where I live there was breastfeeding support running 6 days a week in local areas. Also call some of the breastfeeding helplines named above. I found the NCT helpline really helpful. Do get some advice yet as your dd might get nipple confusion.

Congratulations on your new baby op! It doesn’t sound like you are getting much support right now, your partner should be looking after you, not allowing his Mum to show your baby off. I think I would have a proper chat with your partner and explain that you need time to bond with baby and you want to try breastfeeding and it’s not working when everyone keeps taking baby off you. If he doesn’t agree I would go to your mums. She has had her time with her kids and this is your time with your baby and she can hold baby when you say she can, don’t let her bully you. Just because you live in their house it doesn’t mean she can take over and you have to let her. And please don’t stay in your room whilst everyone Is downstairs playing pass the parcel with your baby when you don’t really want them to, keep her with you. Take care xx

This just keeps getting worse.

Go to your Mums where you can relax. You need to relax to bf.

Your partner is sounding more bloody awful every time you post, he cares what his Mummy thinks, not what you think. He’s being nasty & unsupportive.

You have to think about your & DD’s well being, that’s all that counts right now. The others can just bloody well get over it.

If he won’t willingly take you to your Mums, go when he is out. Get your Mum, or a friend, to pick you up & take you.

milk's come in and my boobs are like boulders
Only read up to this point, but you wanted to breastfeed, it's not too late. Give it a go and don't let MIL stop you or talk you out of it. Lock yourself in your room if necessary. Don't be surprised if you struggle at first, it's a skill you both need to master and it doesn't always just come naturally.

If your boobs are too solid, express a little first. Call your midwife in the morning and tell her you want to start exclusive breastfeed from now on and could use some help.
Get the midwife to explain to MIL that it's essential that you don't give a bottle.

Agree with others saying don't leave baby with MIL and seriously consider getting the birth registered without DP name for now - you can add him later. I know you are a probably a hormonal mess at this point but you need to find a way to assert yourself.

Your baby, you do all the care and you certainly don't get sent away so MIL can feed.

You're worried about separating dad from his child and upsetting his relationship but MIL is seriously interfering with your bonding with your baby. You need to get your DP to back you up. If he won't then you really can go to your mum without any guilt.

Good luck. I hope you manage to breastfeed, it is the most beautiful and rewarding thing I have ever done.

Thank you so much everyone.

I have had quite a stressful evening. BF still not happening and I've bottle fed her. I feel like such a failure.

DP has begged for us to see how it goes with his mum tomorrow. I have agreed for one more night.

I'm in agony with the stitches. I went to the labour ward early this morning and they had a look, but said it'll have to be left to heal naturally and it'll take a couple of months until I feel completely better.