Feeling resentful and upset with parents

[Pumpernickel2]

Just to start I thought I’d tell you I have named change in case I’m recognised. I’m not posting to rant, im posting because I need to off load about how upset and let down I feel. It’s regarding my parents and how they refuse to help out with their grandkids ie babysitting. Now before everyone jumps on me saying how I’m being entitled and shouldn’t simply expect my parents to drop what they’re doing to baby sit, this isn’t the case so I’ll explain.

Me and my Dh have three children, a ds age 15, dd age 11 and ds age almost 8. We juggled three kids plus both of us working full time and also me going back to college studying very well and then everything changed. Our youngest ds has been diagnosed with adhd and is also now being assessed for autism. He’s a lovely little lad full of fun and character but as you can imagine he can be hard work. The impact our son’s condition has had on our older children, my marriage and our family life in general has been huge

In the last year our son was permanently exlcuded from school, had to be home schooled until another school finally agreed to take him. We were evicted from the house we’d lived in for years and our up until then very pleasant and nice landlord turned into an aggressive vile arsehole. We had to fight the council to get the support our son needed at school including an education and health care plan. We were almost homeless as we didn’t get offered any council accommodation so had to take a tiny private rented house that meant me and my Dh had to sleep on the floor downstairs as our son’s could not share.

Things did start to calm down and things were going ok at school for our ds but then it started to go down hill again very fast, the staff are struggling to manage him so we have no idea now what will happen. It’s been the most stressful year of my life. I know that I am depressed and not just down. Husband is at work all the time and haven’t gone back to work since having to leave my job last year as my ds was being excluded from school every week. Now with all this going on I thought we might get some support from family more so my parents but no.

My parents live a mile up the road and visit regularly but wouldn’t dream of offering to mind our youngest son so that we could take our older kids out somewhere or even offer to come sit with them for an hour of an evening so that me and my Dh could pop out for a bit of dinner. Their contribution to my kids is spoiling them rotten because that way they feel they are the best grandparents in the world. Plus my parents are constantly giving advice but not really as it’s not constructive, it’s just them telling me I should be doing this or that and saying how hard things must be for us. Yet they sit by and do nothing to support us.

Things have been at breaking point and they’re not much better now. I really though that my 18 year relationship and 10 year marriage to my husband was well and truly going down the drain and separation was a real possibility. I’m so thankful we managed to pull ourselves together and get back on track as I’d have been heartbroken if we’d separated. But it begs the question, say in twenty years time and my own children have children and have a similar situation and quite a stressful life would I just sit back and do nothing? The answer answer is hell no! I’ll be as involved in my kids and grandkids lives as they want me to be and if they were struggling I would do my utmost to help.

I know I probably do sound spoiled and entitled but I’m just so disappointed in my parents. If anyone is supposed to support you in life it should be your parents and I feel let down. Me and my Dh are so independent and don’t pester people to have our children. We paid thousands over the years in childcare fees whilst we watched friends send their kids off to their grandparents and not once did I feel resentful as they’re my kids and it’s my job to care for them or arrange chikdacare. But this is completely different. I’m their daughter and they see me and my husband and indeed my kids struggling yet they sit idly by and do nothing. Aibu to feel upset?

As a single parent to 2 dc with SN OP I think YABU and contradictory at times. You said your eldest have suffered due to the behaviour of their youngest sibling and need a break but then say he is no trouble at all and a joy to look after. Why don't your DH and you take it in turns to do something with the older 2 whilst the other stays with the youngest. I'm of the mindset that DOG's should not be under obligation to provide childcare.

Your parents weren’t keen on giving up their time for their own children and aren’t embarrassed to let you know they don’t ‘do’ childcare. It’s really mean but you are wasting your precious energy in this bitterness.

You do need support. Everyone does. Join local groups for ASD families and look online for local Facebook groups. Do as a PP suggested and apply for DLA, getting assistance with the forms. You don’t need a diagnosis for this. Then apply for Carers allowance and use this money to build your own support network.

Finding good help might be difficult but it can be done. Your eldest ds might be too young to baby’s but her could watch his brother while you have a nap or a relaxing bath sometimes.

Use your energy in finding practical solutions rather than wasting it on people who were never going to be there for you. Limit your contact if you can’t be around them without feeling angry.

Do they have any relationship with you & your kids at all?

My GPs never babysat me, but I still adored them & loved time with them.

"when did having kids mean you’re never allowed a little bit of me time a couple of times a year."

Well if it's me time then surely your husband looks after the kids?

Do they work ? You have said they do help you out and that they spoil your kids rotten. They don't sound too bad to me.

I'm of the mindset that DOG's should not be under obligation to provide childcare

DOGs???

Well if it's me time then surely your husband looks after the kids?

..or the 30 hours a week the kids are at school!

Cary my autocorrect is having a field day. Obviously that was DGPs.

I'm another one who agrees that GPs have done their bit (whether or not they got help themselves from their DP is by the bye, their DP obviously wanted to) and now it's time they enjoy their freedom. In fact it sounds like they do all they want/are able to. Life is short, they obviously don't want the responsibility of looking after their DGC, and that's ok! And no one is saying you don't deserve a break OP. But not at the expense of others. Take the money and get a babysitter. Everyone will be happy then.

I really don't get this 'family should help' mentality. Of course, people should offer what they are able, and want to offer, but it should never ever, ever be expected. Family or not, everyone is entitled to live their lives without unreasonable expectations placed upon them for their time (or money). You brought them into the world, OP, ultimately they are your responsibility. And I genuinely mean that kindly. You are going to become very bitter if you keep fixating on what you think your family should give you.

my mum's parents moved into her house during the week to help with kids when she was a single parent, and moved back home at the weekends. my mil's mum helped her a day a week, every week.

i don't get help. i do wonder if because they never felt unsupported they don't value it or understand how you could need that help. it seems extraordinary to me to not want to help your kids and i certainly aim to help my children, knowing how hard it is without it.

to you, because you really do need a break. think about persevering with that special needs babysitter, or try a different one and ask on the sn boards about how to go about it. don't give up.

This afternoon my 84 year old mother has had my three youngest for the afternoon.

She insists on this every week and did the same with our eldest.

My youngest DC is 4. They’re playing in her garden and she’s baked and provided a delicious tea. They have an amazing relationship.

I’m very lucky. My DM is bloody marvellous, she cherishes her time with the kids and has always encouraged me and DH to go and have time to be together and supported our marriage.

Because of the relationship we have with her, both DH and I help her in any way we can. When DM has been through periods of ill health I’ve provided personal care as well as general nursing and care for her. All with love and compassion.

DH visits and spends time with his MIL, they play music together and he pops in a few times a week (when she’s not here).

My older DC are young adults now and I dearly hope that I’m half the mother, grandparent, MIL and human being is.

I feel for you OP. Honestly, if you were my friend/sister I’d help you

My parents never once offered to babysit my children. Whenever I asked them to have them they came up with some excuse why they couldn't.

So I gave up expecting them to want to help/spend time with they GC.

We couldn't afford a babysitter so we had no "us" time. On special occasions we both took time off work to go for lunch without the kids. We managed.

It's not a great feeling to feel let down by your parents but parents are not obliged to help with GC.

OP you state that your parents have your dc on occasion and he is as good as gold for them. However often your parents have babysat your dc that is more often than mine ever did. I have nothing to thank them for. I hope neither of them think they will be moving in with me so I can look after them when they are unable to look after themselves. That won't be happening. I'll be too busy

To the posters who asked about support. Well, I get loads from my DH. And we have a network of close friends who are really our chosen ‘family’. I think this is going to be more and more the norm with many families not living at close quarters. We take it in turns to babysit and help each other out iin other ways, like decorating in a bigger team on each other’s houses etc. But it is a mutual arrangement and entirely voluntary. I loathe the kind of passive-aggressive martyrdom some posters espouse. It is tough to have a child that has such extensive additional needs but it is a big ask for anyone else to provide babysitting, especially under those circumstances. If the OP needs a break than her DH can have her back too. You chose to have three children and you cannot make it anyone but your problem. Extra help is a bonus and not a god-given right. It’s not that I don’t sympathise with the struggles but I don’t agree with the blaming your parents. It’s your nuclear family you created and your show.

I’m the last person to think I’m entitled to childcare from my parents or in-laws, but I’m shocked they don’t at least babysit on occasion. My own lovely Mum is in her 70s and lives 200 miles away. She visits us once a month to spend time with me and her only grandchild, my baby daughter. She loves looking after her while I get stuff done around the house, then babysits for one evening so my husband and I can go out on a date and be a couple, not just Mum and Dad. If she can do this for us, then I really think your local and younger parents can do something similar.

Hugs OP - things sound truly hard and you and your husband definitely deserve some help and a break.

If mine can do this then I really think your local and younger parents can do something similar

Yes, but they don't seem to want to do it very often. There will always be someone with a parent who is 116 and still looks after the dgc thrice weekly, but it doesn't mean all younger gps have to match this.

My aunt was looking after a toddler in her eighties.
It was beyond my mother's capabilities (according to her) in her sixties. Folks are all different.

It’s tough but you cannot expect grandparents to provide babysitting. It is great if they do but there is certainly no inbuilt right to that. They have raised you and now they can enjoy a childfree time This

"It’s tough but you cannot expect grandparents to provide babysitting."

I agree.

I do find it sad though that they live nearby & don't seem to take the chance to regularly do something with their GC.

I get it OP.

DH and I have DS1, 5 with potential ASD, and DS2, 8 months. DS1 is challenging but mainly at school, and is incredibly fun to be around on a 1:1 basis. My dad is wonderful and looks after him once per week after school (entirely his choice, I check each term to make sure it's still ok), and they have a special relationship. Dad would never have both boys though and that is fine!

My MIL however just doesn't provide any kind of support. We have supported her plenty, financially, practically and emotionally over the years. Now DH has given up and just calls her to check in, listens to her talk about her life and that's that. She lives in France so can't do the practical stuff but it would be nice if she could ring and ask how I or DH was once in a while. She will never change though and poor DH just has to accept that.

I think you need to come to an acceptance point (DH isn't there yet so I understand how hard this is). And on a practical level introduce a babysitter to the family - we have just one babysitter we use because DS1 trusts her, but it took months to build that with cups of tea at our house and then some playtime together and then an hour at the park and so on. She gives us the respite we need about once every six weeks.

Kinda get where you're coming from. I don't have DC with Sen but I am a Lp (ex useless and non-existent for several years now) with a physically disabled child and I have mh issues myself which are quite significant.

My father is too ill himself to do anything but mum does LOADS for my sister. Sis has 3 and mum has had them all overnight for at least one night every weekend for coming on 13 years now. My brother lives away but I live same distance as sis approx and she's babysat dd 2 maybe 3 times? Bails my sis out ALL the time (financially, practically - picking DC up from childcare, getting shopping, watching DC while sis has appointments or nights out, even does my sis' ironing for her every week!).

To hear my mum talk she sounds like bloody Peggy Mitchell bleating on about "faaaaamily" but that's only when she wants something. The reality for me and bro has been that our close friends have been there for us when family (esp parents) could have been and chose not to. With the slight exception of each other although geography/logistics were a factor there.

It does hurt. At least in your case they're as bad for bro as you.

I just basically accepted several years ago I was never going to get support so I don't expect or ask for it.

BUT I do think in your case, with a gc with Sen, having had the support of GP themselves THAT is pretty shameful of them.

I'd do a "I'm so disappointed" chat with them. Disappointed they don't care enough to support, you or their gc. Disappointed they expect your help with gran despite having an already MORE than full plate. Disappointed that they had the benefit of support from family yet Cba to pay that forward.

And I'd be very distant with them after that.

Lack of support goes both ways.

I think my mum is expecting I'll help look after her in her dotage, she's even mentioned in passing she expects bro to move back home or nearby. She's in for a shock. If sis is the one so deserving of all her time now, bro and I are of the opinion she can be the one to help out later. Goes both ways.

Have you been in contact with charities and support groups relating to your youngest child's condition? Do they have a sw? So that maybe you could get more support from those experienced with his condition and like pp have said slowly introduce to him and get him used to potential babysitters.

Must be so tough you should be very proud of all you've managed, inc keeping your family together. That is an achievement many don't accomplish.

I can understand - to a point - them being reluctant to mind dc3, but to not even give emotional support, just listen to you vent or tell you they're proud of you is disgustingly selfish.

"Also it yur dd is 16 surely she can babysit her DB for a couple of hours?That's what usually happens in families" - with NT younger children, rare in families with children with Sen, not least because some Sen conditions come with physical complications too which is a LOT of responsibility to put on a young-mid teen, I wouldn't do it. Plus the older children's lives are already affected by having a sibling with Sen they deserve a break too bit more stress.

"This thread is where it's finally clicked, if your parents were like that then as they obviously didn't want to do all the grunt work for their own kids, they're sure as hell not going to do it for their grandchildren, and any parent who thinks they're going to be different as grandparents is kidding themselves. Sadly." You're right, maybe these are just selfish people who probably shouldn't have had DC at all.

"They've honored their primary responsibility of bringing up their own children." Well as per above, not always and not without a lot of support themselves.

"it's his loss as he doesn't have any sort of relationship with my kids and my kids as a result have no real interest in him." This is true too, my mum barely has a relationship with dd and I think my bro's kids would struggle to recognise her.

My parents too, try throwing money at the problem with bro and I, we've long stopped accepting. It's not only them trying to solve the "problem" but there's usually strings attached too.

"My dad always makes sarcastic remarks about me sitting on my butt and doing nothing" wtf! I'd pull him up on that!

My dd is now 17 and as yours op sees her GP for who they are. And as a result has little to no interest in them. She speaks to her GP on her dads side weekly plus her gran that side keeps in touch on sm and they have little "in jokes" despite rarely being able to spend time together (they're a good bit older and frailer than my parents, live hundreds of miles away, ex doesn't facilitate visits).

Posters are focusing on 'well it's kinda understandable they're worried about minding a child with Sen" there's loads of other things they could do that would take the pressure off

Emotional support
Practical support in other ways (shopping, cooking, other housework, minding the older 2 when they were younger)

But they're choosing to do NOTHING at all! That's just outright selfish.

"Complete strangers helped more than they did" I've had that, when I had my second breakdown and dd was still quite young and we'd no support a lovely neighbour I barely knew brought round a Mac cheese and sweets for dd.

So, op, yes accept that's how they are (accepting does not mean condoning), and seek support elsewhere. And don't feel any more obliged to them, now or in the future than they feel to you.

I was the pp who suggested looking to your local social care team ...

We look after our son make sure he’s fed, clothed and adequately cared for so to them we don’t need any support.

Yes you do. You need support for yourself and your DH as carers. Your other children need support as siblings. And you are entitled to that formal help, but you have to be prepared to fight for it. Whilst disability social workers do check that the children are fed, clothed and cared for, their remit is wider than that - ensuring that the child, and the child's family, receive appropriate levels of support.

If your son has ADHD and is supported by an EHCP for school matters, then he is a "child in need" as defined by government guidelines. And the EHCP has a 'C' part, it's to address the social care needs. But you have to make it clear that your child, and the entire family, needs social care support - don't deny it and then look to absent grandparents to provide that support.

Your 15 yo can babysit.

"Where as I was completely spoiled rotten"... yes and it shows, OP.

You're being an entitled kid all over again wanting them to do something they don't want to do. Family does mean automatic obligation.

Stand on your own two feet instead of trying to tread on theirs and being selfishly upset when they take a step back.

Your posts are coming across and more and more entitled and rediculous as several posters have rightly pointed out, they don't owe you anything. Why can't you grasp that?

They offer in their own way to help. You even acknowledge that's their way of dealing with things - offering money. That is the norm for many many families. You could've taken that money and put it in your kids savings. You could've treated your eldest in return for helping out. You could've done anything with it. But you refuse it and wallow in the thought that 'Mummy and Daddy musn't love me' as much as they should because they won't babysit.

You sound a little obnoxious really if not only because you can't see you're somewhat in the wrong for sulking about this.

Yeah it's nice when parents or family help out... but it's a fucking fantasy to think that's the norm. It is NOT.

Doesn't mean* oops

Like other posters my MIL had a great deal of support from her mother and talked about this a great deal. We moved several hundred miles to be close to her after DC were born after discussing it with her. I think MIL actually just fooled herself into thinking that she wanted to help when in reality it actually just rather too much hard work. She is in many ways a lovely person but fundamentally very self centred, I think it may also in part be a generational issue. Her mother's generational ideals were very different to those of the baby boomers. My DH and I have agreed that as much as we can we will follow the example of his grandmother rather than his mother.
Annoying though it is, we have moved on, found other life opportunities and accepted the contact that MIL feels able to give. To be honest she makes more effort when we are the other side of the world!

Op I get it. Similar situation for me with a child with adhd and possible asd. It’s sad when family don’t offer support in such a situation. My parents are amazing but my fil doesn’t even remember my kids’ birthdays or bother to visit, and my sister lives in the same street as us but never ever offers to help at all. If we ask she grudgingly agrees to help for say a half hour or hour, but what gets me is she never offers. She knows how hard it is for me. She doesn’t work, is physically able, has no dependents and has nothing to do all day. She says she loves my kids but doesn’t actually want to help them or me. It’s getting to the stage where I am thinking about telling her how I feel. I know she has no obligation to be kind but I can’t help wishing she was! Sadly her refusal to help is driving a rift between us as sisters.