Feeling resentful and upset with parents

[Pumpernickel2]

Just to start I thought I’d tell you I have named change in case I’m recognised. I’m not posting to rant, im posting because I need to off load about how upset and let down I feel. It’s regarding my parents and how they refuse to help out with their grandkids ie babysitting. Now before everyone jumps on me saying how I’m being entitled and shouldn’t simply expect my parents to drop what they’re doing to baby sit, this isn’t the case so I’ll explain.

Me and my Dh have three children, a ds age 15, dd age 11 and ds age almost 8. We juggled three kids plus both of us working full time and also me going back to college studying very well and then everything changed. Our youngest ds has been diagnosed with adhd and is also now being assessed for autism. He’s a lovely little lad full of fun and character but as you can imagine he can be hard work. The impact our son’s condition has had on our older children, my marriage and our family life in general has been huge

In the last year our son was permanently exlcuded from school, had to be home schooled until another school finally agreed to take him. We were evicted from the house we’d lived in for years and our up until then very pleasant and nice landlord turned into an aggressive vile arsehole. We had to fight the council to get the support our son needed at school including an education and health care plan. We were almost homeless as we didn’t get offered any council accommodation so had to take a tiny private rented house that meant me and my Dh had to sleep on the floor downstairs as our son’s could not share.

Things did start to calm down and things were going ok at school for our ds but then it started to go down hill again very fast, the staff are struggling to manage him so we have no idea now what will happen. It’s been the most stressful year of my life. I know that I am depressed and not just down. Husband is at work all the time and haven’t gone back to work since having to leave my job last year as my ds was being excluded from school every week. Now with all this going on I thought we might get some support from family more so my parents but no.

My parents live a mile up the road and visit regularly but wouldn’t dream of offering to mind our youngest son so that we could take our older kids out somewhere or even offer to come sit with them for an hour of an evening so that me and my Dh could pop out for a bit of dinner. Their contribution to my kids is spoiling them rotten because that way they feel they are the best grandparents in the world. Plus my parents are constantly giving advice but not really as it’s not constructive, it’s just them telling me I should be doing this or that and saying how hard things must be for us. Yet they sit by and do nothing to support us.

Things have been at breaking point and they’re not much better now. I really though that my 18 year relationship and 10 year marriage to my husband was well and truly going down the drain and separation was a real possibility. I’m so thankful we managed to pull ourselves together and get back on track as I’d have been heartbroken if we’d separated. But it begs the question, say in twenty years time and my own children have children and have a similar situation and quite a stressful life would I just sit back and do nothing? The answer answer is hell no! I’ll be as involved in my kids and grandkids lives as they want me to be and if they were struggling I would do my utmost to help.

I know I probably do sound spoiled and entitled but I’m just so disappointed in my parents. If anyone is supposed to support you in life it should be your parents and I feel let down. Me and my Dh are so independent and don’t pester people to have our children. We paid thousands over the years in childcare fees whilst we watched friends send their kids off to their grandparents and not once did I feel resentful as they’re my kids and it’s my job to care for them or arrange chikdacare. But this is completely different. I’m their daughter and they see me and my husband and indeed my kids struggling yet they sit idly by and do nothing. Aibu to feel upset?

" I feel like they never have anything psoihr to day, they never turn round and say they’re proud of me or I’m doing a good job "

Is that all you want from them though?

I could have written this … 2DC, one with ASD but he's very easy going. My DM is always saying 'oh I wish we lived closer so we could help more' etc - they live 30 mins drive away and have a car. In laws live even closer (walking distance) and we hardly see them - MIL came round about 8 weeks ago and stayed for 40 mins. Never see her OH (not DH's DF). My DPs have NEVER taken the DC anywhere on their own - they've tagged along on a trip to the park (but only if I go to the park near them, not the one near me), and MIL has taken one of my DS (7) out once. I really don't care anymore, but what I find infuriating is that if you were to speak to any of them, you would hear about what lovely DGC they have and how devoted they are to them, and that they do all they can to help. I've often wondered if the 4 of them are expecting us to step up and help care for them in the future, as my and DH's siblings live hundreds of miles away.

Yes I chose to have three children that’s a given and I’m not saying they should feel obliged to babysit but to offer maybe once or twice a year would be nice and it would t interfere with their lives took much. It’s not about the number of children I have (three isn’t a brood you know!) but I would be interested to know if you’d say the same if I only had one child and that child happened to have special needs? My eldest is almost 16 and my daughter 12 next month so all they need is someone to check on them to make sure they haven’t slipped into a coma from too much X-boxing. They’re no trouble what so ever and are able to look after themselves ie making themselves a meal, making guests a cup of tea, cleaning etc. They’re fantastic kids. It is just my youngest who would technically need minding so please, don’t make out that I’ve popped out a litter and I now expect all and sundry to care for them because you’re barking up the wrong tree there.

Are they caring for your grandmother the rest of the time?

Do you ask for childcare that is refused?

But I’m not asking to clean or to take my kids to activities nor would ever expect them to, I do that. Three children is different to one I agree with you but the children to me wasn’t any different to having two and they didn’t even help out then.

It sounds like you’re having a hell of a time op .

I’ve got two dcs, with no SENs that I know of yet and also have no family support (mum dead, dad working ft in another country). It sucks to have no support at all, but it seems to be becoming more common. Must be a lot worse knowing they’re living up the road though!

Yanbu to want them to do more to support you, but sadly I don’t see that there’s anything you can do about it.

I also wonder if you’re projecting your understandable anger at the whole situation on to your parents maybe. It sounds like they actually see your dcs sometimes, just not as much, or in the way you’d like.

at the “you chose to have three children” comments though. Not terribly helpful.

My grandmother is 77 and for her age she does amazingly well. My parent do diy for her and take her shopping sometimes but like me she’s very independent and walks everywhere goes for her hair and nails done, meets her friends for lunch etc. And yes I have asked for them to babysit and they’ve said no.

I can see both sides - I'm broadly with the majority who cant fathom this MN mentality of "your kids, your problem" , families should pitch in to help. But I spotted this comment My mum and Dad had me and my brother young. She’s 54 and my dad is 55. they lost their youth bring you and your DB up, which of course was their choice, they want their fun time now.

But surely there has to be a compromise? You know its not you as your parents don't want to look after your DBs children either. I guess they just aren't hands on and replace time with money and presents.

But they do have them a couple of times a year anyway so you obviously want more than that despite claiming not.

Why can't your DH take a day or afternoon of annual leave as the children are all at school five days a week if you want couple time. He obviously doesn't have to save his leave for school holiday cover as you don't work.

They having caring commitments for elderly parents, I don't think it's fair to expect them to take on grandchildren too especially when you have five school days a week at home by yourself.

I can relate to what you’re saying Piffle. On the odd occasion my ds goes to my parents house she takes loads of pictures of him and then posts them to Facebook. I think this is for her benefit so people will think she’s helping out loads.

i totally get you op. i also have 3, one with sen, no family support. it really sucks.

what would happen if the next time they pop over for tea, you say 'oops! i forgot something at the shops, i'm just popping out!' and leave them with the kids (like you say it would only be looking after your youngest) and go and have a quiet coffee.

it wouldn't make much difference in the grand scheme, but it might help your resentment a tiny bit.

this sounds awfully hard. you're all under enormous strain. i wouldn't give up on finding another babysitter though. you're looking at a few more years of needing one, so it's worth making the investment. prepare your ds a bit more maybe? pay her to come round and spend time with him while you're there. yes, expensive, but the payoff for being able to go out for a meal once a month would be huge.

What sort of 'excuses' do they make? It could be that they are genuine and if you asked along the lines of 'please could you sit for a couple of hours and when is convenient for you' you might have more success.

Also whilst I'm sure he is very well behaved on the odd occasion they have sat for you that doesn't mean he didn't require constant supervision and entertainment to achieve that and they may well be exhausted afterwards. So whilst he's had a great time, they're knackered and unwilling to offer that service for a night out.

As for the baby sitter, it would take time but how about paying her for an hour here and there to come round when you are there, for a cuppa or similar so DS gets used to her, then eventually hopefully he'd be happy to stay with her without you?

I think you feel aggrieved and nothing is going to change that.

Does it help at all if I tell you I am the only person in the world who cares for my children and always have been? Their dad doesn't want a bar of it, my parents showed vague interest but definitely nothing practical (then they died), ex's parents are unknown to them.
Naturally I have had patches of finding it difficult to cope, particularly during tines of illness, but on the whole I have coped, it has been lonely- but that's my lot. I decided early on not to slide into self pity or expecting others to step in, to just throw myself into giving my kids the best lives I could with the little I had.
Honestly, I'd really encourage you to try to ditch the resentment and to instead focus on what you and your husband can do to enjoy family life best. Waiting on others is a recipe for disappointment whereas self sufficiency can build inner strength and a closeness within the family.

But why can't they have both their freedom, go on holiday etc and help out their son and daughter occasionally?

But they didn’t really lose their youth though. My mum and Dad went out every single weekend and sent me and my brother to our grandparents. They’d go out together on a Friday , then my mum on a Saturday and my dad on a Sunday. I’d go to one set of grandparents on the Friday and then sometimes the other set of grandparents on the Saturday as my mum would decide at the last minute she wanted to go out so she’d dive me and my brother up to my grandparents house. Don’t get me wrong I used to love going as I got to spend a lot of time with both sets of grandparents who i adore. I have so many lovely memories of going over the park with them, them cooking hot pots in the winter and doing bbqs in the summer, snuggling up to my nan watching game shows, my grandma making my favourite breakfast and sitting in bed with me reading books etc. That’s the sad thing really as my kids won’t have any of this.

You are not being unreasonable to be upset at the lack of help, if they are unwilling to help with the children there are always other ways to help ie do some errands or chores for you

Unfortunately, it probably will not change. Some grandparents just don't want to get their hands dirty. I have my own parents and my dh's. My own parents love the grandchildren, always happy to have them for a night or two, babysit and generally just spend time with them doing fun things. My dh's parents have always been very hands off yet always happy to have a say in how we should parent and then are surprised that they aren't close to their grandchildren!!!

Its difficult to understand sometimes, as I can't imagine not wanting to support my dc and dgc if things got difficult

I totally understand where you're coming from OP. Both my children have special needs (global delay, sensory issues and autism). My DM has my 2 nephews all the time, holidays and overnights too. She's never had mine overnight and rarely looks after them. I think she gets nervous (especially with my youngest) and doesn't realise the impact it has on me and how it seems as though she loves my nephews more than my 2.

I read somewhere once that people offer what they can and in their own way. When I am feeling let down, I try to remember this. Do you think perhaps they feel out of their depth dealing with your youngest? And think that treats and unconditional love is the best way of showing support to you all within what they feel able to offer?

It doesn't make it better but I find thinking like this makes me feel less let down. It doesn't sound like your parents are uncaring and unhelpful. Just not offering the kind of support you would appreciate the most.

Have you tried asking them and calmly explaining you feel overloaded and how it would really help? Maybe they have never actually thought of it from this angle. Or maybe they have and don't feel they can manage, in which case you could try and gently explain that you feel the same and how even a couple of hours one afternoon would make such a difference.

Not easy! And perhaps never ideal but if you can start accepting they offer what they are able, in their own way, then you might feel a bit lighter about things.I wonder if they could help out financially for a babysitter to watch your son for a bit if they are unable to help that way? Isn't there something about how people communicate in different love languages and to read someone else's way of showing they care. For example, my mum is practical and never there for a listening ear but I try to remember (not always unsuccessfully) that washing my dishes and doing my ironing is her way of helping and caring. If she were in a tough spot, she would not want to share her feelings and would much prefer practical help!

That’s happened before Eddie and in fact it happened a couple of weeks ago. Husband was at work, parents came to visit about 7pm (not the best time) and I realised I’d forgot to buy pull ups for my son (he only needs them bed time) so I shouted up to son we needed to pop out. He has the most almighty meltdown as he was lay snuggled in bed on his iPad. Don’t get me wrong it was my fault I forgot to buy the buy the shop was only round the corner and instead of offering to stay for another five minutes my parents jumped into their car as fast as they could and said oh we have to go and see your grandma. It was total crap as I asked my grandma a few days later did they go to see her and surprise surprise they hadn’t!

I love that phrase "Grandchildren should be enjoyed rather than a commitment". I wonder what age group Boxsets is in because I have found that younger people, with children are not usually so aware of how grandparents want to be.
I have been babysitting grandchildren for years, and I have done middle of the night emergencies and regular timed babysitting. I didn't complain I just got up dressed and out at any time of the day or night. I love spending time with young children.
Then I got ill. I had lots of hospital things to attend and Dr appointments. I was told to take children with me to these appointments. Some children are a bit boisterous and even the Dr said you can not manage this. Despite this the babysitting continued for more years. I wanted to help out the parents and to see the children.
I had a very serious appointment at the hospital. I was told that drugs would be given and that an adult would have to come with me! I asked for help but I was left to attend on my own. I did not tell the hospital that I was alone. I was still feeling shakey from the stress and a bit woosy from the drugs and I got a call to babysit. I said I could not manage due to feeling unwell.
I will leave you to figure out what the result of that was.

I don't think it's entitled at all to ask for help and support with children from your grandparents. Both my parents are in their late 60's, my dad still works (albeit part time) and they still enjoy having an active role in my children's lives. My mum struggles with the children on her own, but even she will always offer help and support if I need it, even if it's just coming around while I'm there for a bit of moral support. DH's parents are similar age, MIL is disabled and FIL is her carer, but even they are happy to help out on occasions when needed. They all also love just having the children around lots.

My own parents know how hard having kids is. I'm one of 4 and my mum was frequently on her own with us while my dad worked long hours and away from home. My dad lost his own father before we were all born, so he never got to share having children with his own father. I think because of this he is a doting grandfather.

We are very independent and don't often ask for help either. I worked full time and paid for a childminder when DS1 was a baby, since having DS2 I've worked part time around DH's hours and thankfully SIL and my parents fill in the occasional hour or so we need childcare within that. We try to do as much as possible as a family with the children. But even still, my both sets of parents always offer to help us out if we need a break, a night out together or some support. It's what family is about, surely?!

You sound really overwhelmed and almost at breaking point. Any caring parent would step in and help at this stage surely.

The fact your own parents used to bugger off and and leave you and your brother for weekends yet won't give you the same opportunity is sheer selfishness.

The way I see it is what use is it having family if they don't help and support each other?

I'd have it out with her, you've nothing to lose.

On a slightly different note, I wonder if charity's like Barnardos can help offer respite care to allow you a break? They do employ support workers who will build a relationship up with you all as a family, so it wouldn't be like leaving your son with a stranger.

Thanks CheeseyToast I completely get what you’re saying. It’s not that I hate them, I love them, I just feel let down. But you’re right, nothing will change, and I suppose I just need to acknowledge that and get on with things. For what it’s worth we give our kids the best life we can. They spend a lot of time with us, we have regular days out, holidays etc and they all have clubs outside of school as my Dh works his butt off to pay for them. My offer two children have had a difficult few years as they struggled to cope with their brothers behaviour but they’re thought kids and I hope tney’ll grow into resilient level headed adults x

Not old enough to be a grandparent Stillme.

However I've seen many grandparents struggling because chidcare is expected and when they say no the moaning starts or their child sulks etc. The sense of entitlement people have is astounding at times, all under the guise of family should help.