Feeling resentful and upset with parents

[Pumpernickel2]

Just to start I thought I’d tell you I have named change in case I’m recognised. I’m not posting to rant, im posting because I need to off load about how upset and let down I feel. It’s regarding my parents and how they refuse to help out with their grandkids ie babysitting. Now before everyone jumps on me saying how I’m being entitled and shouldn’t simply expect my parents to drop what they’re doing to baby sit, this isn’t the case so I’ll explain.

Me and my Dh have three children, a ds age 15, dd age 11 and ds age almost 8. We juggled three kids plus both of us working full time and also me going back to college studying very well and then everything changed. Our youngest ds has been diagnosed with adhd and is also now being assessed for autism. He’s a lovely little lad full of fun and character but as you can imagine he can be hard work. The impact our son’s condition has had on our older children, my marriage and our family life in general has been huge

In the last year our son was permanently exlcuded from school, had to be home schooled until another school finally agreed to take him. We were evicted from the house we’d lived in for years and our up until then very pleasant and nice landlord turned into an aggressive vile arsehole. We had to fight the council to get the support our son needed at school including an education and health care plan. We were almost homeless as we didn’t get offered any council accommodation so had to take a tiny private rented house that meant me and my Dh had to sleep on the floor downstairs as our son’s could not share.

Things did start to calm down and things were going ok at school for our ds but then it started to go down hill again very fast, the staff are struggling to manage him so we have no idea now what will happen. It’s been the most stressful year of my life. I know that I am depressed and not just down. Husband is at work all the time and haven’t gone back to work since having to leave my job last year as my ds was being excluded from school every week. Now with all this going on I thought we might get some support from family more so my parents but no.

My parents live a mile up the road and visit regularly but wouldn’t dream of offering to mind our youngest son so that we could take our older kids out somewhere or even offer to come sit with them for an hour of an evening so that me and my Dh could pop out for a bit of dinner. Their contribution to my kids is spoiling them rotten because that way they feel they are the best grandparents in the world. Plus my parents are constantly giving advice but not really as it’s not constructive, it’s just them telling me I should be doing this or that and saying how hard things must be for us. Yet they sit by and do nothing to support us.

Things have been at breaking point and they’re not much better now. I really though that my 18 year relationship and 10 year marriage to my husband was well and truly going down the drain and separation was a real possibility. I’m so thankful we managed to pull ourselves together and get back on track as I’d have been heartbroken if we’d separated. But it begs the question, say in twenty years time and my own children have children and have a similar situation and quite a stressful life would I just sit back and do nothing? The answer answer is hell no! I’ll be as involved in my kids and grandkids lives as they want me to be and if they were struggling I would do my utmost to help.

I know I probably do sound spoiled and entitled but I’m just so disappointed in my parents. If anyone is supposed to support you in life it should be your parents and I feel let down. Me and my Dh are so independent and don’t pester people to have our children. We paid thousands over the years in childcare fees whilst we watched friends send their kids off to their grandparents and not once did I feel resentful as they’re my kids and it’s my job to care for them or arrange chikdacare. But this is completely different. I’m their daughter and they see me and my husband and indeed my kids struggling yet they sit idly by and do nothing. Aibu to feel upset?

So you don't feel comfortable with leaving him with a babysitter but you would feel comfortable leaving him with two people who don't want to look after him? And you won't take their support because it's not in the specific form that suits you? You sound like hard work to me.

To the person who mentioned getting help from social services (I’m sorry I can’t find your post) we were asked by a school support worker if we wanted to be referred. I said yes as we felt desperate at the time. They knocked us back. They wouldn’t tell us in so many words why, just that our son wasn’t classed as a child in need. But they told the school head why and the top and bottom of it was we weren’t on their radar as needing help ie they hadn’t had any concerns raised over our parenting, our son wasn’t severely physically disabled and nor was he at the age were he was involved with the youth offending team. So that was that. We look after our son make sure he’s fed, clothed and adequately cared for so to them we don’t need any support.

No I don’t think it’s simply a case of they cannot cope. My parents say that my son is no bother when he goes to their house and I’m sorry if I can cope with three children 24/7 one of whom has special needs I’m sure they cope with one child for one hour a couple of times a year. They just don’t want to.

So, if childcare from them isn't an option-what else could they do to help & have you asked them?

Bluelady did you not hear me. I’ve already said I don’t ask my parents to mind my son anymore because it’s quite clear that they do not want to. I’m not about to beg them to do it. My post was simply about the fact I’m upset about that they don’t want to mind their own grandson because I can’t understand wnu family won’t support other when they can see they are struggling.

There’s nothing else really they could do to help. I don’t expect them to take over parenting my kids. I just hoped, rather stupidly, they would rant to give me and my Dh a little break every now and again.

My parents would babysit during day-time, but not evening. Both found it hard to relax at my house, as it's not their home, and they just wanted to be at home with their own home comforts and winding down. They babysat for us about 5 times but gradually they let it be known they weren't happy and just didn't want to do it. They have never had them overnight. I did feel a bit upset, especially as I knew what their parents had done for them when I was young, but I had to accept what my parents said, no matter the reason.

You just simply can't force people to be what you want them to be. They are who they are, for whatever reason, and it'll be easier to accept it and move on, rather than constantly battle with it.

Reading you last post OP, with such a negative attitude you say they have, I would ask whether you want DS to spend much time with them anyway.

My parents are in good health, live fairly close to us, love their grandchildren. They have never once offered to babysit their 2 grandsons, (our 2 DS). I have only asked once and they said no. Fair enough - their choice and I respect that entirely. They are teens now so no baby sitting needed but if we needed a break or wanted to go out I got a babysitter. So I think YABU.

Your DPs will only get out of the relationship with you and your family what they put in. Of course you are not going to feel as close to them as you would like to.
We are on an even keel with MIL but when considering whether to move abroad we gave our relationship with her less consideration than we would have done when we still expected her to be a routine and reliable part of our family life.

Don’t get me wrong they love my kids, they wouldn’t do anything to upset them and spoil them so I have no concerns about leaving my kids with them. But my older two kids are starting to see things for what they are ie nan and grandad give us loads of cash and gifts but don’t really spend any time with us and this makes me sad as I know they would like to spend more time with them. And trust me they’ve come to that conclusion completely on their own as I do not discuss things like this with my kids and any time I need to offload about anything to my husband it’s when they’re not around.

Yes but I can only assume BlueJava that your kids don’t have any additional needs so would be quite happy to be left with a babysitter and therefore you can have a night out without worrying your kids are having anxiety attacks? I don’t have that.

...nor was he at the age were he was involved with the youth offending team

Does this mean that DS has exhibited behaviours that, if he was of age, would have had input from this team?

Ranting won't help though. The situation is what it is, and if you let it eat away at you, it'll only affect your health long-term. I agree with others that if money is on offer, take it. This is something you need to accept. Your parents are relatively young and want their own lives, with no ties or commitment, and clearly couldn't wait to get rid of child-raising responsibilities when they were younger, so they're hardly going to go for that again!

You should have an open conversation with them about it though, and you're fully within your right to say that you won't necessarily be around for them when they're older but of course then there's the will to consider!

Honestly it sounds like you need a break but you have built a barrier that is preventing you seeing other options to expecting your unwilling parents to babysit.
If you aren't willing to use babysitters the only way you are going to get more time away from the children is by leaving them with your husband at times. Is there any way your DH can reduce his working hours (even if it means you going back to work) as getting home at 10:45 isn't really sustainable for either of you in the long term?

No advice OP but am in similar situation and you have my sympathy. It’s really hard to not have a huge chip on your shoulder about this and not let it taint their relationship with DGC. You could try having a frank conversation with them, to say you’re having a difficult time and really need some extra support and ask them if/how they might be able to help. But - from what you’ve said - be prepared that they simply don’t want to babysit and that’s not going to change. Hope things get better for you soon. You sound like an awesome parent btw

Oh and thanks to the PP (sorry i can’t remember who) who has hit the nail on the head;
one interesting titbit of information seems to be very common to many - how the OP, and any siblings they may have, were regularly palmed off to their grandparents so their parents could have a social life.
This thread is where it's finally clicked, if your parents were like that then as they obviously didn't want to do all the grunt work for their own kids, they're sure as hell not going to do it for their grandchildren, and any parent who thinks they're going to be different as grandparents is kidding themselves. Sadly.

Something I’ve often pondered and think this is great insight

As the saying goes 'you reap what you sow' when they are elderly and needing help you live your life looking after your children and grandkids. The fact they where happy enough to fob you off weekly on your grandparents so they could have nights out yet won't even offer you the same even a couple of times a year says alot about who they are as people self absorbed and selfish.

No they weren’t saying he exhibited these behaviours just that social services have a set criteria that dictates what type of circumstances and people require support. My son is only 7 and despite having issues he won’t be involved with the youth offending team. He is being given a loving and nurturing up bringing and despite his issues I will fight for be rest of his life to ensure he develops into a level headed calm and kind adult.

Thank you. I suppose it won’t hurt to speak to them but they’re not good talkers generally and I’ll only end up having it turned round on me somehow. My dad’s saying is kids are for life which really makes me cringe. Don’t get me wrong I wasn’t neglected as a kid we had a nice house nice holidays but it all felt fake looking back and it still feels fake nowz My grandparents on the other hand are amazing and have said repeatedly if they felt up to it they’d never be away from my kids and would have them any time. But they’re in their 70’s and 80’s so like my husband’s parents who are in their 70’s I’m not about to ask pensioners to run around after a seven year old child x

My eldest DC has ASD and youngest is NT both now young adults. My DM did use to help, MIL never babysat for even 5 mins although only 4 miles away and us doing a lot for her. She was also full of unhelpful advice so I do get how you feel. Until you care for someone with special needs its impossible to understand what it's like. I know how desperate I felt at times to just have a short break but unlike other parents who helped each other out with play dates etc no one ever asked my ds over. I understand why but the fact is I never chose to have a child with ASD and I was just as lost as anyone else knowing how to deal with him. I don't blame others I would probably have been the same in their shoes but it always seems that if you have a special needs child people treat you like it was a choice and as if you should have all the answers to the problems, even teachers. To those saying pay for childcare, have you ever tried to find special needs childcare? Let's just say there is a bit of a gap in the market there.
I think you have to just accept that this is how your parents are, maybe tell them not to buy all the gifts and suggest they put the money in savings accounts for the future if they want instead.

Thanks Cheesecake that’s a good idea. I agree with you in that we didn’t chose to have a child with Sen. Don’t get me wrong I wouldn’t change him as he’s my world as are my older two but it is hard work. I know things will change as he gets older but the fact I’m 35 and feel 65 ie constantly feeling un well and look like shit due to lack of sleep and not getting a break worries me. I need to be fit to keep on top of everything I need to do every day and for my kids but every day I go to bed tired and wake up tired. It’s not great. x

you can have a night out without worrying your kids are having anxiety attacks? I don’t have that

Unfortunately there are thousands upon thousands of families of SN children and adults who don't have that, and whose parents feel unable to give hands on support. The first plan is to nurture a relationship with and experienced babysitter in whom you and your son have confidence. It wasn't an easy process and I think I was the one who found it most difficult. But it was the only doable suggestion I had at the time and it turned out to be very successful.

ThisBabyIsAnOctopus
I missed that post due to mushy brains. Yes it is very insightful.

I was wondering why on earth they wouldn’t want to pay back what they received from their parents. Mind you, I suppose looking at my brother and sil, who dumped their kid on me (disabled) and my mother (until recently carer to a disabled husband) sometimes without even asking whenever we saw them, it does make sense. Sils complaint of hardly having any time to herself raised my eyebrows. She’s a sahm and has excellent health. I’m far too ill too work.

Pumpernickel
I’m sorry you’re parents are such self absorbed arseholes. I’m also at my wits end because I’m getting more and more ill and struggling to even be well enough to take dd to school let alone cook. It’s really tough. You have my sympathy.

I have 2 children with ASD, so I understand how hard things are for you. I think you need to come to terms with the fact you can't change your parents attitude and look at ways you can get support elsewhere.

Have you applied for DLA (disability living allowance) for your child? If they are awarded DLA you can then apply for carers allowance and also get a carers assessment which could result in respite care.

I think you should also see your GP if you are feeling depressed. This is a common problem with parents of SEN children. Taking care of yourself is essential for the wellbeing of your entire family.

I understand that social services have refused to help - the next step is to ask for a Family Support worker, they can also help with issues at school and work with the whole family.

If you need any help going forward with any of the above please let me know.

I feel exactly the same way as you, OP. My parents live on the same road as us and we see them every weekend, but the sky would fall down before they'd look after them even for 30 mins. They take a very harsh view that they've "done their time".

I very nearly gave birth to DC3 alone because they flat out refused to look after my other two.

They aren't unpleasant children at all to be around. Were your parents always like this around any grandchildren? It may well just be their harsh attitude, rather than anything to do with his behaviour.

I too spend thousands and thousands on nursery fees for my children and watch my sister have unlimited free childcare from her MIL. Sorry I don't have anything useful to say, other than, I feel your pain. I certainly wouldn't dream of being like this with my future grandchildren, and it hurts that they don't share the same family ethic.

Hugs.