Feeling resentful and upset with parents

[Pumpernickel2]

Just to start I thought I’d tell you I have named change in case I’m recognised. I’m not posting to rant, im posting because I need to off load about how upset and let down I feel. It’s regarding my parents and how they refuse to help out with their grandkids ie babysitting. Now before everyone jumps on me saying how I’m being entitled and shouldn’t simply expect my parents to drop what they’re doing to baby sit, this isn’t the case so I’ll explain.

Me and my Dh have three children, a ds age 15, dd age 11 and ds age almost 8. We juggled three kids plus both of us working full time and also me going back to college studying very well and then everything changed. Our youngest ds has been diagnosed with adhd and is also now being assessed for autism. He’s a lovely little lad full of fun and character but as you can imagine he can be hard work. The impact our son’s condition has had on our older children, my marriage and our family life in general has been huge

In the last year our son was permanently exlcuded from school, had to be home schooled until another school finally agreed to take him. We were evicted from the house we’d lived in for years and our up until then very pleasant and nice landlord turned into an aggressive vile arsehole. We had to fight the council to get the support our son needed at school including an education and health care plan. We were almost homeless as we didn’t get offered any council accommodation so had to take a tiny private rented house that meant me and my Dh had to sleep on the floor downstairs as our son’s could not share.

Things did start to calm down and things were going ok at school for our ds but then it started to go down hill again very fast, the staff are struggling to manage him so we have no idea now what will happen. It’s been the most stressful year of my life. I know that I am depressed and not just down. Husband is at work all the time and haven’t gone back to work since having to leave my job last year as my ds was being excluded from school every week. Now with all this going on I thought we might get some support from family more so my parents but no.

My parents live a mile up the road and visit regularly but wouldn’t dream of offering to mind our youngest son so that we could take our older kids out somewhere or even offer to come sit with them for an hour of an evening so that me and my Dh could pop out for a bit of dinner. Their contribution to my kids is spoiling them rotten because that way they feel they are the best grandparents in the world. Plus my parents are constantly giving advice but not really as it’s not constructive, it’s just them telling me I should be doing this or that and saying how hard things must be for us. Yet they sit by and do nothing to support us.

Things have been at breaking point and they’re not much better now. I really though that my 18 year relationship and 10 year marriage to my husband was well and truly going down the drain and separation was a real possibility. I’m so thankful we managed to pull ourselves together and get back on track as I’d have been heartbroken if we’d separated. But it begs the question, say in twenty years time and my own children have children and have a similar situation and quite a stressful life would I just sit back and do nothing? The answer answer is hell no! I’ll be as involved in my kids and grandkids lives as they want me to be and if they were struggling I would do my utmost to help.

I know I probably do sound spoiled and entitled but I’m just so disappointed in my parents. If anyone is supposed to support you in life it should be your parents and I feel let down. Me and my Dh are so independent and don’t pester people to have our children. We paid thousands over the years in childcare fees whilst we watched friends send their kids off to their grandparents and not once did I feel resentful as they’re my kids and it’s my job to care for them or arrange chikdacare. But this is completely different. I’m their daughter and they see me and my husband and indeed my kids struggling yet they sit idly by and do nothing. Aibu to feel upset?

Yeah it sounds like they plain don’t want to look after your children op. That isn’t very supportive of them.

I’d move on from expecting this if them, as it sounds as if they just don’t want to help with childcare. Maybe revisit the babysitter idea. Or ask them why they don’t seem to want to help.

Did your parents babysit for your older children before the youngest came along?

Also it yur dd is 16 surely she can babysit her DB for a couple of hours?That's what usually happens in families

*of

Wow Stillme1 you’ve been through a lot haven’t you. I just feel the note you give to other people ie your time energy support etc the less you get back. I know we shouldn’t give to receive and all that but if you look back at the generations everyone used to help everyone else. I feel like that’s gone now a days.

YANBU to feel upset that your parents won't help more, but I've read a lot of threads now on this topic and one interesting titbit of information seems to be very common to many - how the OP, and any siblings they may have, were regularly palmed off to their grandparents so their parents could have a social life.

This thread is where it's finally clicked, if your parents were like that then as they obviously didn't want to do all the grunt work for their own kids, they're sure as hell not going to do it for their grandchildren, and any parent who thinks they're going to be different as grandparents is kidding themselves. Sadly.

I've two dcs, one with SN. My mother never looked after either of them. She'd barely let me leave the room to go to the toilet without taking my SN dc with me. She just wasn't confident that she could deal with SN dc on her own, knowing how unpredictable dc is.
(In a being mischievous way). She didn't babysit the other dc either. It just wasn't her thing. She had a hard time bringing her own children up. It sucks, but I got over it.

All in all, I think she just lacked the confidence to be physically responsible for them. I can understand that.

Stillme1

Some grandparents have a lot of involvement, perhaps because they have given up work and are super healthy. Some grandparents have less because they are working, live at a distance or perhaps just don't want to make what could potentially be an onerous commitment

Either way, I feel it is up to the grandparents to decide how much of themselves they can give. They've honored their primary responsibility of bringing up their own children.

Op, I feel your pain. I'm in a similar situation but have had to just accept that my family don't want to help out. Our dd is nearly 12 and ds is 9 and has epilepsy and autism. I only have my dad now as my mum passed away when dd was a baby. My dad shows no real interest in either of my kids but loves to have my neice over for sleepovers and loves to take her and my sister abroad several times a year.

It does sting but I tell myself that it's his loss as he doesn't have any sort of relationship with my kids and my kids as a result have no real interest in him.

I'm wary of trying to get a babysitter as my son's seizures are uncontrolled and are so unpredictable. I only work mornings and my husband works shifts so we occasionally manage to get out for lunch together - that is our equivalent of a date night. Could you even try something like that? It keeps me sane knowing that we have some quality us time even if it's only for 2 hours a month.

Families are for helping out. I really think you should sit down with them and bring it all out into the open. Explain you're struggling and ask if it's possible to have any help. You might be surprised by their response (hopefully). It's worth a try. yes I know you shouldn't have to ask but it's reached this point.

My parents offer me money all the time and I didnt understand why at first but I came to realise why. I don’t want their money, we manage ok and my kids have everything they need. I don’t want my kids to be spoiled all the time yet every time they visit they give them gifts and money and it makes me cringe. I know that sounds weird but I know that they’re only doing it as they know deep down how much we are struggling yet tney don’t help out. Well I don’t want my kids being given pitty it guilt money especially my youngest as he has now come to expect presents or money rbeeu time they visit which isn’t my fault and I’m not raising my kids like this.

Can’t the 15 years old supervise the youngest? You said he is very easy to supervise, why is it easy for them and not for you or his brother?
(Genuine question, there might be a reason or they might make out he is easy but he isn’t).

I think there is a balance to be found.

The situations described by OP and stillme are far from ideal.

OP would like her parents to offer a handful times a year for a couple of hours each time, which seems very reasonable, where as stillme 's children sound very entitled and ungrateful (and cruel to not accompany her to the hospital).

He has the most almighty meltdown as he was lay snuggled in bed on his iPad

See, I'd be nervous to be left alone with a child who was having an almighty meltdown, that I didn't know how to deal with. And even if he calmed down, it might happen again. Maybe they're just not confident they can cope.

Slightly off the point, but it sounds as if mainstream school may not be suitable for your son. I'd suggest asking for an early annual review of his Education, Health and Care Plan with a view to considering a specialist placement.

They were fairly self-centred as young parents, from what you've said, so they are just rather selfish people.

All the grandparents I know, all of whom are in their late sixties/seventies, do loads to help with their grandchildren. Some travel a long way and stay overnight in some discomfort to look after them. Some are dealing with very elderly and infirm parents at the same time.

I understand how bitter and frustrated you feel, but the era of helping family most certainly has not died out for many people. You are very unfortunate that your parents are how they are.

No, my parents didn’t babysit for my older children before youngest came along. The only time they babysat my eldest was when I was in labour with dc2 and that was only because my husband’s mother (who we’d arranged to mind our ds) got rushed into hospital with a burst appendix. The only time they had my dd over night was when I was in labour with my youngest son. My ds is 16 in September but I do not feel comfortable leaving him to mind his brother. I leave my 11 year old dd with him whilst I pop to the shop but there is no way he could cope at 16 with his brother.

Boxsets I would never have expected my parents or my parents to have my kids instead of paying for childcare. I used to pay £1300 a month for my two oldest children to go to childcare full time and would never have expected grandparents to mind two really young children.

The thing is your DS is in school most of the time and you don't work.They probably think you get enough me time then.Do your parents work? It sounds as though they look after your grandma quite a bit too.
If they are always pushing money on you, why don't you use that to pay for a babysitter to look after your DS

💐🍷🍫((Hug))

I’m sorry to hear about DS, having AN makes his life and yours so much more difficult. Of course he’s still your amazing wee boy, and he’s ‘him’, as he is...but it’s not easy x

I’m sorry your parents aren’t being supportive, it’s utterly crap. Some people are just incredibly selfish and self absorbed. Next time they start going on about their holidays just tell them that you don’t have time to listen to that now, you have things to be getting on with. If they won’t help, they won’t help...but you don’t have to bend over backwards to listen to their self absorbed chatter. Ask them if they have a good savings plan for care when they age because they’re going to need it as the way you’re going you’ll have no time, energy or inclination to care for them!

My Mum lives near my brother & SIL. She’s mid ‘70’s and has one or more of the (4) grandchildren every day, not all day now as they’re finally all at school, but at some point (and full days at weekends/school holidays). She has one of them (different ones) overnight at least once a week (usually 2/3 nights) because it’s easier for various pre & after school activities. She’s driving them here there and everywhere for activities, appointments etc. My brother & SIL really don’t appreciate this as much as they should, but they’ve never known any different. Anyway, my point is, she’s 20 years older than your parents, none of the DC have any significant AN & she helps because it makes my B/SIL/kids lives easier.

Surely that’s what most loving parents do? Admittedly she does a lot more than a lot of grandparents, but, expecting your parents to support you emotionally and occasionally babysit, especially in your circumstances, is FAR from expecting too much.

It’s a shame you don’t live near my mum, I’m sure she’d fit another 3 kids into her life! (She does actually have other hobbies too!).

Your parents are being crap, being emotionally supportive and occasionally babysitting is the least they could do for you. As they aren’t doing this willingly then stop pandering to their needs and close them down when you’re too busy/tired/frustrated to listen to them going on about holidays etc. Just tell them you’re too busy/too tired right now.

I hope you can get some support for DS & yourselves and can get school sorted out. Have you/can you apply to a SN school? I have family & friends with children in SN schools they are ALL thriving. Some of them wanted the kids to stay mainstream and were very upset to have to send them to a SN school (as it’s a big step in accepting the situation), but ALL of them are now pleased they made the move.

Look into any local SN meet ups/sessions (our siftbplay has some for example) and start making friends with people who understand. In time you can help each other out with babysitting etc and it helps the children too. My cousin is 26 now and is still best mates with a boy he met this way when they were 5/6. The families have grown together and are part of our wider family now too.

I’m really pleased you & your DH have been able to work through everything together, don’t lose all focus on that as it’s SO much better to be together 💐

(Could your 15/16 Yo cope babysitting for a few hours?)

Stay strong, together you can do this, in spite of your parents selfish behaviour 🍷🍷

Sorry you're having a crap time OP and I hope things improve for you. In your position, I'd probably ask for specific help.
Both sets of our parents are dead so we've always just managed by ourselves but I can appreciate your envy when others get treated to nights or even week-ends off with grandparents babysitting. You do get help for emergencies so just try to appreciate that there is support from them when you really need it. I rely on a small network of fabulous friends for emergencies. One wonderful mum friend came and took DS out for the day when he was a toddler and I was projectile vomiting with a migraine. We've had one night out to a friends for dinner since having DS aged 9 when another lovely friend offered to babysit. I'd like to go out more and even have a family holiday but we simply can't afford it. I don't suppose I'd be quite so sanguine if DS had any serious special needs.

If his 16 yo brother can't cope with him, 2 schools can't cope with him I can clearly see why they won't be able to.

I don't expect either sets of GPs to babysit ever, and to be fair when they visit us we are able to go out for a couple of hours after bedtime is done and dusted.

However, it does rankle when they go on and on about how brilliant it was that their parents were so supportive - taking us kids so they could go on holiday alone, etc! Yet it would never cross their minds to offer to do the same.

I’m not leaving a 15 year or child, because that’s essentially what he is, a child, to look after his brother who has special needs. If we are saying here that’s it’s not my parents responsibility to mind my children or they shouldn’t be obliged to then I don’t see why my teenage son should be obliged to mind him either.

Not rtft, but I've mixed with parents of SEN children for 20 years, as DD has always been in special provision, and I can count on my thumbs the number of parents who have had help with the child with SEN, from the grand parents! In fact, the grand parents frequently deny the child has any problems; or consider that being firm will sort out any problems - quite the opposite of being helpful.

IMO, OP you are being unrealistic expecting support from your parents, living in the real world!