Feeling resentful and upset with parents

[Pumpernickel2]

Just to start I thought I’d tell you I have named change in case I’m recognised. I’m not posting to rant, im posting because I need to off load about how upset and let down I feel. It’s regarding my parents and how they refuse to help out with their grandkids ie babysitting. Now before everyone jumps on me saying how I’m being entitled and shouldn’t simply expect my parents to drop what they’re doing to baby sit, this isn’t the case so I’ll explain.

Me and my Dh have three children, a ds age 15, dd age 11 and ds age almost 8. We juggled three kids plus both of us working full time and also me going back to college studying very well and then everything changed. Our youngest ds has been diagnosed with adhd and is also now being assessed for autism. He’s a lovely little lad full of fun and character but as you can imagine he can be hard work. The impact our son’s condition has had on our older children, my marriage and our family life in general has been huge

In the last year our son was permanently exlcuded from school, had to be home schooled until another school finally agreed to take him. We were evicted from the house we’d lived in for years and our up until then very pleasant and nice landlord turned into an aggressive vile arsehole. We had to fight the council to get the support our son needed at school including an education and health care plan. We were almost homeless as we didn’t get offered any council accommodation so had to take a tiny private rented house that meant me and my Dh had to sleep on the floor downstairs as our son’s could not share.

Things did start to calm down and things were going ok at school for our ds but then it started to go down hill again very fast, the staff are struggling to manage him so we have no idea now what will happen. It’s been the most stressful year of my life. I know that I am depressed and not just down. Husband is at work all the time and haven’t gone back to work since having to leave my job last year as my ds was being excluded from school every week. Now with all this going on I thought we might get some support from family more so my parents but no.

My parents live a mile up the road and visit regularly but wouldn’t dream of offering to mind our youngest son so that we could take our older kids out somewhere or even offer to come sit with them for an hour of an evening so that me and my Dh could pop out for a bit of dinner. Their contribution to my kids is spoiling them rotten because that way they feel they are the best grandparents in the world. Plus my parents are constantly giving advice but not really as it’s not constructive, it’s just them telling me I should be doing this or that and saying how hard things must be for us. Yet they sit by and do nothing to support us.

Things have been at breaking point and they’re not much better now. I really though that my 18 year relationship and 10 year marriage to my husband was well and truly going down the drain and separation was a real possibility. I’m so thankful we managed to pull ourselves together and get back on track as I’d have been heartbroken if we’d separated. But it begs the question, say in twenty years time and my own children have children and have a similar situation and quite a stressful life would I just sit back and do nothing? The answer answer is hell no! I’ll be as involved in my kids and grandkids lives as they want me to be and if they were struggling I would do my utmost to help.

I know I probably do sound spoiled and entitled but I’m just so disappointed in my parents. If anyone is supposed to support you in life it should be your parents and I feel let down. Me and my Dh are so independent and don’t pester people to have our children. We paid thousands over the years in childcare fees whilst we watched friends send their kids off to their grandparents and not once did I feel resentful as they’re my kids and it’s my job to care for them or arrange chikdacare. But this is completely different. I’m their daughter and they see me and my husband and indeed my kids struggling yet they sit idly by and do nothing. Aibu to feel upset?

They don't want to babysit but they offer you money all the time? FGS woman, take the money and use it to pay a babysitter. They are offering what they can.

And yy to muddling - if they didnt want to look after their own kids, they won't want to be looking after their grandkids. Like you say, they don't look after your brother's either. They do care for your gran and I guess will be doing more of that in the future.

So you want your parents to give you their time but you won't accept their money? If they're not happy, for whatever reason, to look after your DC, perhaps they are doing what they can do by offering money instead? So perhaps you could accept the money and use it to buy in the help that your parents can't give?

I get very little me time trust me. I’m currently doing further study so that I can eventually return to work feeling my skills have been refreshed after taking time off. In between that I’m attending medical appointments for myself and my son, plus I do some shifts on the nurse bank at my local hospital. By the time I’ve done that it’s time to collect my kids from school. My eldest son’s high school is one end of town and whilst he can get a bus he does a lot of after school clubs and come 4.30 the last bus has gone so I collect him. My daughter’s high school (she didn’t get a place at her brother’s school) is the opposite end of town and she’d need to get two buses that aren’t regular so I col from her too and the only school that would take my youngest son is 6 miles away, a 12 mile round trip in a different part of town so I collect him too. My husband only gets home from work at 10.45pm so trust me I’m kept busy.

I feel for you OP. There has only been one time in our lives when we needed family support and my usually lovely MIL panicked and wasn't seen for dust. All the years of talk about family actually meant nothing when it came to it. My DH had repaired his relationship with her but it will never be the same we know we cannot rely on her even for a couple of hours of babysitting. (She was the only family close by at the time).

If they’re always pushing money on me why don’t I take it? I don’t take it because one, I don’t feel I need it (we aren’t well off but we manage) and two, because call be old fashioned with a few morals thrown in, I don’t take money that’s tainted or is meant to be given to ease the giver’s guilt.

Just read your last few posts. Jesus wept, all the help they had from your grandparents and they can’t help you out occasionally?

Take the money. You might as well as refusing it hasn’t made them see you need emotional support & practical help. Use the money to buy in help...get a regular babysitter so DS gets to know them. It’s not perfect, but it’s a step in the right direction.

As for DS babysitting, if you don’t want him to that’s your choice, but at 13 I started babysitting properly (as opposed to just helping out when the parents were home) and one of the children was a 7 year old boy with SN who had epic melt downs. I coped just fine. Don’t underestimate your DS and don’t underestimate how much he will benefit from you and DH maintaining your relationship and your individual sanity.

Actually, my son’s first school could cope win him they just didn’t want to. My son being at a middle class Church of England school didn’t go down too well and they decided he simply didn’t fit in. To keep my son their meant it would cost the school money as the council wouldn’t provide any extra funding until the school had first contributed a set amount towards his care and they were that tight fisted tney didn’t want to do this. All they were concerned with was well behaved highly achieving children that they could mold, who fitted in perfectly and who wouldn’t affect their so far exemplary orated report. The school he is at now haven’t said they can’t cope with him. They are struggling with certain aspects of his behaviour but they haven’t once exlcuded him or told me they have major concerns. Instead they are supporting me and have taken an interest in his care. They have simply told me they have some concerns ie that my son isn’t coping with some of the day to day aspects of their routine but not once have they said they can’t cope.

You've said (unless I'm mistaken) that they don't babysit for their other grandchildren, either. So, they are being equal in their treatment of all their grandchildren, no? Maybe they don't want to open up a can of 'but you babysit for Pumpernickel!' with your brother. Or perhaps others are right and your parents can't be arsed. The thing is, that's their decision to make and they've made it.

I understand your desire for the extra help for your DS, but they are under no obligation to provide it simply because they are grandparents. It would be nice, I agree. It would also be nice if my brother came to our house and fixed our car. But he's under no obligation and I wouldn't expect it simply because he's my brother.

I think somehow you are just going to have to find peace with this situation. Resentment and frustration can eat up a lot of valuable energy and peace of mind. And that's energy better spent elsewhere.

'M going to be totally honest here. Your parents don't want to babysit and I completely get that but they do want to help by paying for babysitting yet you turn that down. They're perfectly willing to support you, just not in the way you want. That isn't going to change. Take the support they are offering and pay a baby sitter with it. Win/win.

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It sounds as though you need support, OP, and you shouldn't be looking to the grandparents for that. What does your son have written in the social Care section of his EHCP? Do you have a disability social worker involved, have you asked your local Council to carry out a Carers Assessment? Have you looked at your Local Offer website to see if there are any specialist clubs your youngest could attend, giving you time with his siblings?

It took three years of battling with Children's Services but we finally get respite for our 8yo autistic son, which means that DH and I had our first ever night together without our son present, just three months ago.

BTW, what's "me time"?

I agree with bluelady. I think if you don't lower your expectations the resentment is going to get to a point where it's really affecting you, if it's not already doing so.

Honestly money means nothing to me. I mean yes I’m greatful tney my Dh has a stable job that pays enough for us to be able to live but I don’t like to take money from other people. Especially when I feel it’s beinf offered because of guilt.

Some people just won't be helped, OP. You're your own worst enemy.

Yanbu op - I know nobody has the right to expect help but I just don't understand why people who care about you wouldn't want to help if they can see how much you're struggling? It's not about entitlement but genuine need.
Surely it's the same in life with any of our friends or family if we have good relationships with them, you want to spend time with them and help and support each other. Its not about having to or being a chore, its about wanting to as you care about their wellbeing. Do you think they could just not cope? The money thing would annoy me too but maybe that's the only way they feel they can help.
P.s. as a mum of a DS with a long term health condition and not many family/babysittersecurity who could met his needs, I feel your pain. It's fecking exhausting. Hope you get help

Get a grip OP. Take the money. That is how they are offering to help. My Mum wont have our son overnight but she will pay for babysitters when we need them. That is her way of helping.

You're being precious. Your parents are not you, nor are they your grandparents. They have their own lives now. Sort your own out.

If your son has problems with strangers then you need to do introductory sessions with a babysitter and get him used to them gradually so you can use them as and when you need it.

I don’t take money that’s tainted or is meant to be given to ease the giver’s guilt

I think that's a little unfair on your parents. At their age I was getting towards being unable to deal with my own SN child on my own. Now, I absolutely can't not in a safe way. Of course I feel terribly guilty that I can't, but it's because I can't do it safely, not that I don't want to do it. There are two sides to every story.

I couldn't imagine treating my children like this
I would walk through fire for my grandchildren, I adore them and would do anything to help in your situation
I feel so guilty because I don't live near one of my children and can't give the ordinary support that people in our community would expect as almost a given
Why wouldn't you?
Can you see if you can find a respite service?

Did you have something to say user? How bloody rude.

I am not I a position to comment from experience OP but I can read that you are really hurt by your parents' lack of support, on an emotional as well as practical level. I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you're having such a rough time.

They’re not offering me money to pay for a babysitter. They offer me money for random things which I find weird. For instance I went to Ikea recently and bought some new plates, a mirror for my bedroom wall and a set of drawers. My dad seen them and demanded I tell him how much it all cost as he would give me the money for them! My mum and dad have a weird obsession with money and talk about it a lot which makes me uncomfortable and from the things they’ve said in the past I genuinely feel they think the more money you throw at your child the better parent you are. I’m completely the opposite and find this attitude bizarre. They know that my children don’t go without anything. I mean don’t get me wrong they get everything that they need but only some of what they want. Where as I was completely spoiled rotten and everything i asked for I got and quite frankly
how I’ve grown into the person I am, ie not being obssessed with having the best of everything and not gauging a persons worth against how and where they live and what they own is beyond me.

"They’re not offering me money to pay for a babysitter."

No, but you could use the money for that if you wanted to!!

It seems that money is their way of "helping"-take it or not as you wish.

I’m the same i’d do anything for my children and I no doubt will benhe same with my grandchildren. Even if ill health were to limit me a little I would still do my absolute best. My parents however have no health issues and extremely fit for their age. I know that I need to let it go but it’s so hard and I know this sounds awful but I’ve found myself not wanting to be around them as much. When they visit they make me feel uncomfortable. My dad always makes sarcastic remarks about me sitting on my butt and doing nothing and tney never have anything positive to say about anyone.

I get what you’re saying but I don’t need the money and I’m certainly not going to take it just so they feel like they’ve done something no way. I don’t feel comfortable at the moment to leave my son with a babysitter. Maybe when he’s older so why should I take the money?

Where as I was completely spoiled rotten and everything i asked for I got

Which may be what's making it difficult to understand that they may simply feel unequal to the task. Have you asked them why?
My mother was quite clear that she felt unable to cope with my dc.
Could it be that simple?

I don’t feel comfortable at the moment to leave my son with a babysitter. Maybe when he’s older so why should I take the money?

So that you can slowly introduce someone he's comfortable with. It can take some time. I've been there and done that, and the sooner you start, the sooner you reap the rewards.