Feeling resentful and upset with parents

[Pumpernickel2]

Just to start I thought I’d tell you I have named change in case I’m recognised. I’m not posting to rant, im posting because I need to off load about how upset and let down I feel. It’s regarding my parents and how they refuse to help out with their grandkids ie babysitting. Now before everyone jumps on me saying how I’m being entitled and shouldn’t simply expect my parents to drop what they’re doing to baby sit, this isn’t the case so I’ll explain.

Me and my Dh have three children, a ds age 15, dd age 11 and ds age almost 8. We juggled three kids plus both of us working full time and also me going back to college studying very well and then everything changed. Our youngest ds has been diagnosed with adhd and is also now being assessed for autism. He’s a lovely little lad full of fun and character but as you can imagine he can be hard work. The impact our son’s condition has had on our older children, my marriage and our family life in general has been huge

In the last year our son was permanently exlcuded from school, had to be home schooled until another school finally agreed to take him. We were evicted from the house we’d lived in for years and our up until then very pleasant and nice landlord turned into an aggressive vile arsehole. We had to fight the council to get the support our son needed at school including an education and health care plan. We were almost homeless as we didn’t get offered any council accommodation so had to take a tiny private rented house that meant me and my Dh had to sleep on the floor downstairs as our son’s could not share.

Things did start to calm down and things were going ok at school for our ds but then it started to go down hill again very fast, the staff are struggling to manage him so we have no idea now what will happen. It’s been the most stressful year of my life. I know that I am depressed and not just down. Husband is at work all the time and haven’t gone back to work since having to leave my job last year as my ds was being excluded from school every week. Now with all this going on I thought we might get some support from family more so my parents but no.

My parents live a mile up the road and visit regularly but wouldn’t dream of offering to mind our youngest son so that we could take our older kids out somewhere or even offer to come sit with them for an hour of an evening so that me and my Dh could pop out for a bit of dinner. Their contribution to my kids is spoiling them rotten because that way they feel they are the best grandparents in the world. Plus my parents are constantly giving advice but not really as it’s not constructive, it’s just them telling me I should be doing this or that and saying how hard things must be for us. Yet they sit by and do nothing to support us.

Things have been at breaking point and they’re not much better now. I really though that my 18 year relationship and 10 year marriage to my husband was well and truly going down the drain and separation was a real possibility. I’m so thankful we managed to pull ourselves together and get back on track as I’d have been heartbroken if we’d separated. But it begs the question, say in twenty years time and my own children have children and have a similar situation and quite a stressful life would I just sit back and do nothing? The answer answer is hell no! I’ll be as involved in my kids and grandkids lives as they want me to be and if they were struggling I would do my utmost to help.

I know I probably do sound spoiled and entitled but I’m just so disappointed in my parents. If anyone is supposed to support you in life it should be your parents and I feel let down. Me and my Dh are so independent and don’t pester people to have our children. We paid thousands over the years in childcare fees whilst we watched friends send their kids off to their grandparents and not once did I feel resentful as they’re my kids and it’s my job to care for them or arrange chikdacare. But this is completely different. I’m their daughter and they see me and my husband and indeed my kids struggling yet they sit idly by and do nothing. Aibu to feel upset?

Some people are not very hands on. DHs parents don't see our DDs often but give a generous amount to them for birthdays and Christmas considering their wages and that they have 5GDs.

I think it's their way of showing their guilt they aren't very hands on for whatever reason. I'd take the money. We do! Because being setvto your morals is great and that but when you could benefit from it like taking the kids on an extra day out or a takeaway when kids are in bed for you and DH - surely it's worth it?

What does your partner think?

I do feel heartily sorry for the situation you find yourself in OP.

I do think though at 35 years of age you are wasting the best years of your life by being negative about your parents and alternative childcare.

Things are what they are, you have to accept that the choices you need to make in life, might compromise your values or feelings, but it needs to be done like that for the family wellbeing.

You seem stuck on the idea that the grandparents babysit or no one does. That needs to change. You cannot shame your parents into changing their mind on this.

You can certainly find and use a babysitter, you might not get a night out this week, but start looking this week and you will have one to look forward to. I actually have a friend who does work like this with autistic children.

Your eldest child could certainly start to think about babysitting his brother, be creative about what might work in that situation.

I can see why you are upset with your parents, but really you are knocking on the door of the deaf man here.

Good luck

Okay - you are fine to be pissed off with them - BUT that won't get you anywhere.
So you could be practical instead - consider them to be the last resort emergency babysitters they are.
Now plan for the rest of your life. Do you get DLA? If not then get on the SN boards here for advice and apply. Then use that if for nothing else to pay for some regular child care/support, someone your DS will take to and get to know and trust.
Getting him to school - the LA should be providing transport. If this is the only school that can take him is one criteria. So is if he cannot travel by normal transport safely due to his SN.
I would contact the NAS in your area, if only to find parents in a similar situation who may have more info on support and schools in your area.

Yes it would be great if your parents helped - but some parents can't or won't. So you just have to get on with your life.

You also do need to talk maturely to your eldest. I know by 16 my DC were thinking about if they ended up caring for their younger sibling with SN (very mild). So rather than giving them worries you might be relieving them. Your eldest might even prefer to go get the pull ups for you - than babysit in an emergency.

OP they should help , bit only that they should WANT to help, but it seems they don't and you can't change them. Take the money, stash it and do something lovely with your family. Don't invite them as they've made it clear they'd rather throw money from a distance than be involved in family life. I'm so sorry you're going through this, it makes me grateful for our parents who are currently (politely) jostling over who gets to look after baby most when I go back to work, baby isn't even due until December and I'll take full mat leave. You have wonderful children and it's their loss not to have a relationship with them, at least you know you and DH aren't those kinds of parents.

family is supposed to be there to help you in your time of need

Um, no they're not. It is a huge responsibility for anyone, family or otherwise, to have care of a child with adhd/autism and you should not be expecting your parents to offer so that you can take your other two children out as a family!

For a start how will your son react to seeing his parents and siblings swanning off on a jolly without him? How are you arents meant to cope when he has a meltdown?

YABVU

Sunshine have I read that right? You don’t think family should help each other out in their time of need? Wow just wow! My parents brought two kids up. My brother was a terror and you know what they managed just fine. And you don’t think my older two children have the right to a little time alone with me and their dad? Gosh you’re lovely aren’t you.

I think the culture of families not looking after each other is sad. I think societies where everyone cares for each other are much more beneficial and respect is a lot more ingrained.

Yes, expecting an automatic entitlement to your children being looked after full time by GP is wrong, but surely an occasional helping out, even one day a week or fortnight, isn't unreasonable?

I feel very lucky to have been born into a family where grandparents help out with childcare and always have done throughout the generations, and then children help with care when those parents are elderly. To me this is exactly how families should be.

Thanks for all the positive constructive advice I really appreciate it. To be honest if I really felt my parents didn’t want to mind my son because they can’t cope then I’d respect that, but it’s simply not true. They don’t babysit because they don’t want to end of story. So tney can hide behind my son and his issues as much as tney want. I know the real reason behind it and that’s the bit that’s dissapointing.

It’s exactly how families should be I agree with you. People (some) just seem so self centred these days and the generation of helping each other out and doing your best by one another is all but gone. Well at least with my family anyway.

We juggled three kids plus both of us working full time and also me going back to college studying very well and then everything changed.

This right here is your problem. You want your cake and eat it too.
Obviously at the time you started college, you did not knew that your child had ADHD, but now you know and you still intend to continue - well who is the selfish one here, not your parents, but you.
Give up the college and focus on your child, get him settled and then you may be able to return to your studies.
Stop criticizing your parents and do some real soul searching at how best you can serve your family during this difficult time - and its definitely not working full time and attending college.

Yanbu at all. My in laws are like this and we have a sick child so need extra support too. They give none. They barely even phone. I’ve responded by going very low contact- I use my energy for me and my family. They’ll get back what they’ve put in - nothing.
Family are of course supposed to help in times of need. I agree - who can stand by and just watch people struggle

And re your relationship- it’s a massive test/strain on it of course. Keep sticking with it.

I thought the same as a couple of other posters: your parents used your grandparents to enjoy a social life and the fact they won’t reciprocate suggests to me that they actually consider their own actions as “selfish”. Going out every weekend is a luxury few parents enjoy yet they managed it by making good use of free childcare. I wonder how your grandparents felt about the weekly babysitting?

Your parents know damn well how lucky they were and they simply don’t want to do the same for their own children.

Would they help with school pick ups at all or having the kids for a meal after school?

If they paid for the kids activities would your husband be able to reduce his work hours?

Marjorie I’m not actually at college. I went to uni/college and did my degree when my older two were little, then did a further course when my youngest was little. Now I’m doing a distance learning refreshers course to get my skills back up to scratch and I study from
home at my own pace. I do a few shifts every month, usually
two or three days at my local hospital but I can chose my shifts and only work clinic
hours so 9.30 til 2.30 so when my son is at school. How on earth is that selfish?

My husband can’t reduce his hours at work well not at the minute anyway. He’s going through training at work for a better position. It’s more more but better hours so hopefully by next year he’ll be on 8am til 5pm which is so much better.

No, tney wont do School pick up. My dad still works, only three days a week but when he isn’t working tney go on days out together and are hardly here especially during the summer months.

Yeah I think I’ve begun to do the same thing with my parents and I don’t think it was even intentional at first. I don’t feel I get anything positive from them and I’ve found myself not wanting to be around them. And no, not just because they won’t babysit but because they have seen me and my Dh on out knees these last twelve months and have stood by and done and said nothing.

It’s tough but you cannot expect grandparents to provide babysitting. It is great if they do but there is certainly no inbuilt right to that. They have raised you and now they can enjoy a childfree time. My parents and PIL live too far away anyway but we used a babysitter for the few times we had a night out. So, did my parents with us.

Yes op - I just don’t feel like playing happy families with my in laws any more - they saw us nearly divorce too, get about 3 hours sleep a night, have no one to look after our older child, and need trauma therapy - oh and their son got pneumonia and still they didn’t even offer to babysit or cook for us or anything. Personally I can’t forguve that. Complete strangers helped more than they did. When I’m feeling bitter I think of them in hospital in a few years and know at least we won’t be obligated to visit! Then I feel sad about how bitter I’ve become - but some people are just selfish and there’s no changing them

Temptress - so if you were sick or having a hard time do you not expect your family to step in and support?
This isn’t just babysitting - the ops son has dragged them all through the mill - it’s not a nice to have nice out - they needed real support and got none

Applesandpears I think I’ve crossed the line over to bitterness too and it’s not a nice feeling at all is it. I know they’re my kids and my responsibility but when did having kids mean you’re never allowed a little bit of me time a couple of times a year. My grandparents are such lovely people and tney couldn’t wait to mind me my brother and my cousins, they’d squabble over who was having who and when, I used to find it hilarious and i felt so love as a child. My kids are getting older now and don’t have any memories like that with their grandparents and it’s kind of sad.

@TemptressofWaikiki Sun 03-Jun-18 18:29:19

They have raised you and now they can enjoy a childfree time.

Did you miss OP's post saying how they spent a couple of nights most weekends with grandparents? Her parents therefore had plenty of child-free time when the OP and her brother were children. The OP would just appreciate her parents having the decency to pay it forward, which isn't much to ask really, is it?

Sorry you're having such a tough time, but I think your really compounding your grief by not taking the money your parents offer.

Personally, I would not want to be responsible for a child having such severe behavioural issues (although I'd make an earnest attempt if it were my grandchild).

Not unreasonable, it comes down to feeling unsupported, and that's how you feel. The world's changed so much and I think some people can't get their head around it, especially when their parents didn't help them, case of why should I? Hopefully society is becoming more progressive, like you say , you'll be there to help your children. But by then maybe your kids will expect you to take care of their kids full time. See what I'm saying? Can you look for alternative help?