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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD2 wants to have DD1s car

534 replies

Unsurehere · 31/05/2018 22:09

A few years ago, we were very well off and my DD got a £5000 car for her birthday, insurance paid and all driving lessons paid for. DD1 still has the car, uses it regularly get to work and is now 20. In September she is heading to university, but it’s a very rural university and DD has saved up around £4000 this year to allow her to take her car with her. Her car will allow her to work, socialise and come home and see us and her boyfriend more often.

Now, I am not with their father and income is much lower. We have an issue that DD2 is coming up to passing her driving test and due to our financial situation being pretty bad, the most I can do in the way of a car is a £500 run around and paying some of the insurance.

DD2 has demanded that as DD1 will be at uni, she doesn’t need the car and therefore DD2 should be allowed it. She attends the local college and doesn’t want to get the bus. DD1 has cared for the car and it’s still a very nice, well looked after car, worth quite maybe £3500 now. So much nicer than the £500 car I can offer DD2.

However, DD1 has had the car for three years now, it’s HER car, she pays all the bills for the car, upkeep, etc...

DD2 is also very demanding and spoilt, despite us not giving her everything in demand. She’s worked since she was 16, has had ample opportunity to save up something towards a car, yet she hasn’t.

DD1 has also saved very diligently and is very keen on taking the car to university. Like I said, it’s rural and she will benefit from having it.

I understand it’s not nice for DD2 to not get the same privileges as DD1, however I’ve still offered to pay majority of car insurance despite the fact we don’t have a lot of money. Our financial situation has changed a lot and she knows this.

AIBU to think that DD1 should be allowed to keep HER car and that DD2 shouldn’t be expecting it?

Sharing isn’t an option due to distance, and their schedules would clash too much to even consider it!

OP posts:
poobumwee · 02/06/2018 11:03

we won;t be paying for cars or driving lessons for our kids. they can do it themselves, to avoid this kind of scenario and because we cannot afford to. My sympathies are with your younger daughter in this case. totally get whey she feels unfairly treated.

fluffy0 · 02/06/2018 11:15

I would be mighty pissed off if I was DD2. You should have made sure you would have the funds to test them e tally before buying the £5000 car. Tbh you should have just got a £2500, that would have bought a decent car and it's silly to spend so much on a 17 year olds first car anyway.

That said, it would be unfair to make your dd1 give the car to her sister. I don't know what you can do really but you will need to make up for it one day.

Gemini69 · 02/06/2018 11:18

Jesus Christ.. shall we just ask OP to send herself to Coventry/Isolation forever.... for not PREDICTING her Divorce and the LOSS of financial security ? Hmm

and why is OP being blamed entirely for this CRAP situation... and not DEAR DADDY Hmm

Beyond SELLING her ORGANS... I'm not sure where any of you expect OP to Produce FIVE THOUSAND POUNDS from ?

Bluelady · 02/06/2018 11:21

You took the words right out of my mouth, Gemini.

expatinscotland · 02/06/2018 11:46

What Gemini said.

This thread is fucking hilarious.

All these suggestions that the OP sell her own car, that she needs to put the roof over DD2's head, food in her belly, clothes on her back, to give a 17-year-old a better car after the woman's husband went and fucked up their financial situation and the marriage broke down, take on debt, scourge herself for fucking up because she can't give her DD2 a £5000 car.

Give over!

Confusedbeetle · 02/06/2018 11:48

It was a gift to DD1 and cannot be taken back

MiggeldyHiggins · 02/06/2018 11:56

I can't see where anyone has said that the dd1 should sell her car, or give it away. The thread is pretty unanimous that there is nothing really to be done.
The argument is about the attitude. Its people claiming that its perfectly fair, when it isn't, its people calling a child all kinds of names when she has been treated unfairly.

It's not about whats to be done, but about how you deal with it.

expatinscotland · 02/06/2018 11:59

'I can't see where anyone has said that the dd1 should sell her car, or give it away.;

At least two posters have suggested that. And plenty more have suggested the OP take on debt to get the DD2 a similar car, which she explained many pages ago she cannot do as their credit was trashed in the financial lost and she has already taken on a private loan (friend or family) to fund the driving lessons for DD2.

MiggeldyHiggins · 02/06/2018 12:03

2 out of 434? So as I said, pretty unanimous against then.

steff13 · 02/06/2018 12:05

I can't see where anyone has said that the dd1 should sell her car, or give it away. The thread is pretty unanimous that there is nothing really to be done.

Several posts have suggested that the OP sell the older daughter's car and used the proceeds to buy two less expensive cars. There have also been a couple suggesting the OP give the younger daughter the older daughter's car and give the older daughter a less expensive car.

This situation sucks. And it's not fair. But it is what it is. I think the best option is to commiserate with your daughter, acknowledge that it isn't fair, but tell her you can only do what you can do. She can take the £500 car, or she can wait until the end of summer and let you save a little more, or she can take the £500 and add to it herself with her earnings, or she can ask her dad for some money towards it.

Cliveybaby · 02/06/2018 12:10

How about starting a car "pot".
Put the £500 in now, and tell her that every month you'll put in another £100 or something (what would insurance for a 17 year old cost per month??)
The longer she waits, the more she gets, and she can top it up with her own money.
When she chooses to cash it in, she might have a lot more that £500, and she'll have had to do some saving, and get the reward for it.

P.S. fwiw the dad should also be asked to contribute.

categed · 02/06/2018 12:14

Sensario 1: the parents being super fair put aside money for daughters whenever 1 was given anything of value say over £100. To do this the wonderful parents either take on debt to ensure there is no difference or they spend less on both children. So wonderful experiences such as holdidays and cars just dont happen. But it's equal and its fair.
In the furture circumstances change, they are debt ridden and bankrupt but fairnesa prevailled as both girls finiacially have had exactly the same, children's bank accounts are full from all the excess cash and dp are destitute but it's fair. Only it's not because dd1 got more car for her £5000 than dd2 can get because car prices have gone up as have insurance and lessons. So it's not fair at all. Dd2 feels hard done by. Dd1 decides to use her extra cash to go on a holiday dd2 took 5 years ago but can't. The cash doesnt cover the cost it's not fair.
Senario 2: parents want to give their children the best they can afford. They get gifts etc with the assumption that in the future the othe sibling will get the same. For yeara this works. The family is happy is a great life, fair doesn't even come into it because it's all good. Then one day financial disaster. The sun stops rising and the money stops flowing. It's time to take score who got more? Because it's not fair they have something i now want but cant have be it a car, a holiday a wedding.. It's not fair!! Parents must now give their all and more to children who have not had it fair. An even score must be kept. Only the parents can't keep up with the financial pressure and lose what little they have left. Now, no hone and it really isnt fair
Senario 3. Children are loved equally as and when needs arise they get what can be afforded. They are aware of this, this is real life. They are grateful for and enjoy these gifts that allow them a greater experience of life. Disaster. All is lost, gone. Only all is not loat or gone in fact it's only material thing that are gone,the core the stuff that mattera ia there, yes it's fractured but it will survive by everyone pulling together. The past is gone, no expectation from it but the future, together, is still tgere to make of it whatever you will.
Too many people expect things to be given to them regardless of the true cost of it. Life isn't about what things cost, its about caring for others finding your own feet and becoming independent. To kudge your childhood worth on financial gifts is to devalue it. Some people get nothing, no gifts no love nothing, others get love but no gifts, and some get gifts but no love. I sure know what i want for me and my daughters.

LawDegreeBarbie · 02/06/2018 12:19

Its not a nice or fair situation for DD2 but you're doing what you can and offering to buy her a runaround. I would have loved any car from my parents at all, especially with help towards the bills! DD1 shouldn't be forced to give up her car at all. She's worked hard to maintain the gift and it's hers.

expatinscotland · 02/06/2018 12:22

'2 out of 434? So as I said, pretty unanimous against then.'

I said at least, not to mention the staggering number of posts heaping blame and scorn on this mum for the financial and marriage collapse. Read the whole thread.

Hygge · 02/06/2018 13:32

colditz - the situation might not be fair or equal, but the OP's giving what she can afford to give is.

My point was, the OP hasn't deliberately favoured one daughter with more. She fully expected at the time DD1 got her car to be able to spend the same amount on DD2 when the time came.

As it happens, she can't. Which is very different to won't. She's giving as much as she can afford to give, and in that respect she's treated them both the same even though the amounts are different now. She's not deliberately giving DD2 less when she could afford more, she's doing exactly what she did for DD1 and giving as much as she can afford for the best car she can afford.

PrimalLass · 02/06/2018 14:09

With any luck she'll take ages to pass her test :-)

Gemini69 · 02/06/2018 14:19

As it happens, she can't. Which is very different to won't

exactly... Flowers

GriswaldFamilyStaycation · 02/06/2018 15:10

When are people going to get it a "cheap" car is a false economy for example my sister bought a car for £800 within 3 months she had spent another £400 on in issues after a further 6 months it needed another £700 of work and in the next 6 months after it needed £600 of more work

Grin

Yeah, we spent 800 pounds on a car. We also lived rural and my husband needed to get to work. Funny that. Hmm I suppse he could have not worked and saved money (somehow) for several months until he had money to spend on a 5000 pound car (which still could be shit btw). We've always had crappy cars, usually about 500 pounds. Maybe spend a couple hundred pounds a year on upkeep which is spread out and I think pretty reasonable. And at the end of the car's life we dump and get something else. We don't have to throw good money after bad on expensive upkeep for years to make the thousands we threw away worth while. The 2500 pound car she could have bought was likely to have just as many issues, depends on the car and the value would have dropped quickly in a year or two anyway.

Also not everyone has money left over at the end of the month to save. Confused you get that right?

When are people going to get that not everyone has as much money as them.

CottonSock · 02/06/2018 15:13

We had this situation and the car went to my younger sister. However.. I think this was always made clear.

reddington · 02/06/2018 15:55

Posters who suggest the OP 'takes' the car and gives it to DD2, how do they suggest she does this? Does she have the car key? No. Does she have the log book? No. Why? Because it's not her car.

She may well have a receipt from when the car was purchased which would most likely be all the proof she needs. I agree that it is the DDs car as it was a gift, harder to prove if push comes to shove.

SinceWhenDid · 02/06/2018 16:08

Confused that people think you should have spent less on dd1's car to save the rest for dd2's. Have they ever been poor? The money would have been long gone on food and bills.

expatinscotland · 02/06/2018 17:01

'I agree that it is the DDs car as it was a gift, harder to prove if push comes to shove.'

Actually quite easy if the DD is/has been the registered keeper of the car for the past 3 years, has MOT certificates, can prove via bank statements she paid insurance and repairs on the vehicle. If there's no written statement declaring the vehicle was not a gift, then it probably won't stand up in court as so.

reddington · 02/06/2018 17:03

Maybe, although being the registered keeper is irrelevant.

Gemini69 · 02/06/2018 17:04

OP already stated the Car is in her Daughters name Flowers

Bettyfood · 02/06/2018 17:07

I don't think DD1 should give her car away, but the OP sounds like she doesn't like her second daughter very much and that DD1 is the favourite. This is unfortunately, very much amplified by the situation around the cars and I'm not surprised if DD2 feels very put out by the disparity in spending. I'm not sure what can be done immediately, but I would be trying very hard to make it up to her.