DD2 wants to have DD1s car

[Unsurehere]

A few years ago, we were very well off and my DD got a £5000 car for her birthday, insurance paid and all driving lessons paid for. DD1 still has the car, uses it regularly get to work and is now 20. In September she is heading to university, but it’s a very rural university and DD has saved up around £4000 this year to allow her to take her car with her. Her car will allow her to work, socialise and come home and see us and her boyfriend more often.

Now, I am not with their father and income is much lower. We have an issue that DD2 is coming up to passing her driving test and due to our financial situation being pretty bad, the most I can do in the way of a car is a £500 run around and paying some of the insurance.

DD2 has demanded that as DD1 will be at uni, she doesn’t need the car and therefore DD2 should be allowed it. She attends the local college and doesn’t want to get the bus. DD1 has cared for the car and it’s still a very nice, well looked after car, worth quite maybe £3500 now. So much nicer than the £500 car I can offer DD2.

However, DD1 has had the car for three years now, it’s HER car, she pays all the bills for the car, upkeep, etc...

DD2 is also very demanding and spoilt, despite us not giving her everything in demand. She’s worked since she was 16, has had ample opportunity to save up something towards a car, yet she hasn’t.

DD1 has also saved very diligently and is very keen on taking the car to university. Like I said, it’s rural and she will benefit from having it.

I understand it’s not nice for DD2 to not get the same privileges as DD1, however I’ve still offered to pay majority of car insurance despite the fact we don’t have a lot of money. Our financial situation has changed a lot and she knows this.

AIBU to think that DD1 should be allowed to keep HER car and that DD2 shouldn’t be expecting it?

Sharing isn’t an option due to distance, and their schedules would clash too much to even consider it!

Are cars not titled there? Here your car has a title, and the title is in the owner's name. If it's title to the eldest daughter, the OP has no option to do anything with it.

I don't actually know if my sister got more than I have financially from my folks because a) it's not my money to dispose of b) it's none of my business c) living life according to a spreadsheet over money that's not mine would lead to a pretty miserable existence.

I had to pay for my own lessons. Diddums.

The money was lost. It's gone now. Every penny that was left had to go to pay off their creditors to avoid bankruptcy and homelessness. The OP cannot get credit as a result. She's worked overtime and borrowed money off a friend or family member to pay for her daughter's lessons. She's offered to wait a couple of months to save more money for a better car.

Short of selling a kidney, there's not much else she can do.

It's not fair, but hey, that's the way the cookie crumbles sometimes.

I cannot get over the amount of posters that apparently set aside the exact same amount of money for a younger sibling every time they buy something for the bigger one, so essentially halving their funds. What happens if the younger one wants something else or it's more expensive, does the older one get a settlement to balance up.

I must start to put money away in an impenetrable account so that on the off chance I get divorced and we lose everything, DC2 can still have the same value that we have spent on DD1.

Not to mention that you reuse things for DC2 from DC1, how does that work? Is DC2 'owed' those costs that weren't spent on them or does DC1 get some sort of 2nd hand value credit.

It seems very complicated, perhaps you could explain the rules....?

No way should your eldest have her gift in question, it’s hers. She sounds very responsible!

Could you tell your dd2 you will get her a 5k car in 5 years time when Money isn’t so tight. Your husband can go halves with you then. Do you think you could save 500 a year for the next 5 years?

She will still be getting the same amount, just not at the same time.

It’s a terrible thing that something nice has come back to cause you this stress. No good deed goes unpunished!

My boss has three daughters and bought them cars but set up repayment plans so there would be none of this ‘she got x amount’ carry on because it can cause so much upset.

I’m sorry and I hope you figure out a way to keep the peace x

OP already stated the Car is in her Daughters name

And that is irrelevant to ownership

I’d be really disappointed if my child behaved the way DD2 is. The situation IS unfair. But she is behaving in an incredibly entitled way. Her mother is offering the best she can right now. To continue to kick off and demand her sister’s car just isn’t cool. It’s ok for her to feel pissed off. It’s not ok even to float that she gets her sister’s car as a result, turning down the best her mum can offer. Brattish. I understand the OP’s tone. I’d feel the same. If my best isn’t good enough - tough.

DD2 doesn't want to use the bus for college. Just tell her that unless she can afford a car bus is her option. Perhaps you can convince her you will continue to save to give her a car of equal value to what her older sister was given. There is no law that says just because you are 17, have passed a driving test then you must be given a car. Welcome her to the real world.

Some people on here are ridiculous.

For a start, if you paid £5000 for a car three years ago, think again if you think it is worth anywhere near £3500 now. There is no point selling it to have to buy another.

It's DD1's car. How can you take a gift back?
DD2 has been offered another car, can't see the problem.

I do agree that it is preferable to give equal gifts but if circumstances change then it is just the way it is.

I'm not surprised if DD2 feels very put out by the disparity in spending. I'm not sure what can be done immediately, but I would be trying very hard to make it up to her.

The OP is trying - very, very hard - to make it up to her. Op is going without for herself, working extra hours, taking on debt. That she can't give DD2 the same as DD1 got (without any effort on the OP's part at all) is unfortunate. But please don't say that the OP isn't trying to make it up to her.

Some people on here are ridiculous

agree... lol ...... I'm amazed at most of the 'Options' suggested to OP..

Madness on here. OP has not "fucked up massively" and nor should she put herself in a financially precarious position to give into her teenage daughter's demands. That is how you create monsters!

I really pity people who keep balance sheets on what their parents spent on others vs them, unable to see how changes in circumstances may affect things.

To those saying OP should have put money aside, equal to that spent on DD1's care- have you actually read anything OP has said. When they spent the money they (OP and her exDH) were wealthy. No need to save or anything, and had no idea things would change. Then something catastrophic happened and all the money is gone- no savings etc. So even had she put that £5000 aside (assuming she hadn't put into a child ISA or similar) it would have been absorbed in the financial fall out and would therefore not have been available to spend on a car. Because it would have been used on something essential- like keeping a roof over their heads, for instance. You know things that are NEEDED. A 17 year does not NEED a car (whether it cost £500 or £5000), however much she may WANT one.

The way DD2 is behaving is not on. Yes, I can understand she may be disappointed that she is getting the car she wants- though she is still being offered lessons, a car and insurance, so it's not like she is getting nothing at all. It may not be the same amount as her sister got- but circumstances have changed and the whole family have to make the best of it. Not only that, her mother is making sacrifices and doing everything within her power to get DD2 driving and a car (going without luxuries, working extra hours). OP should simply explain that this is the best she can do, whilst sympathising that it's maybe not the car she wants. At the end of the day, DD2 can either like accept it or not. She ought to be able to accept this sort of thing with good grace- at 17 years old she is old enough to understand what has happened and the reasons for the disparity.

Dd1 does not need a car at uni. Most unis wouldnt even let her park it on campus if shes living on campus as parking is for commuters.
Obvious answer is that dd2 has the car term time and they share it in the holidays with dd2 being responsible for most maintenance as she uses it more.
When dd1 finishes uni, dd2 will likely be heading there so either the car can be sold or dd1 can keep it and you can buy dd2 a car for a grand or so when she finishes uni (as that is likely all it would have been worth by the time dd1 got it permanently. No debt. No illegal or expensive parking costs.

As for comparing whos had money spent on them thats ridiculous - unless of course before she went to NY you said to her yes you can go but I wont get you a car if you do.

A £500 car is not a gift. Its an unreliable money pit that will cost more in stress and repairs than its worth.

Been in dd2 situation and yes it sucks but you know what she is so getting a £500 car compared to the £30 I got...

Circumstances change and it is the nature of life. You can not take back a gift however big or small to appease someone else.

Why not say to her that have the £500 car now - in a few years you'll help her when she wants to get a nicer car but at the moment it's not possible. You are trying to treat them equally but money can't stretch at the moment.

Damn Are you serious?

Can I have your car? I have decided you don't need it as much as I do!!

If DD1 decides she doesn't need her car she can sell it and spend the money on what she wants.

What DD1 does or doesn't do with her car is none of OPs business now.

I’d be very careful with buying a £500 car if I were you. Realistically it’s probably going to be a bit of a banger and may end up being a false enconomy with potential repair work.

My car was free and, apart from running costs, I haven't spent a penny on it in 6 months

DD1 owns the car. She can do as she likes. DD2 needs to learn that circumstances change and she should be grateful you’re offering anything.

Dd1 does not need a car at uni. Most unis wouldnt even let her park it on campus if shes living on campus as parking is for commuters.
Obvious answer is that dd2 has the car term time and they share it in the holidays with dd2 being responsible for most maintenance as she uses it more.

I literally choked on my mug of tea reading that hahahaaaaaaa

What is that all about? What unis would not let her park? What utter nonsense.

I went to uni 10 years after my eldest sister

She had full student grant, lifts to and from Uni, trips and driving lessons paid for by my parents, money sent whenever she needed it, a load of groceries every time she started a term, free summer accomodation for her and her boyfriend, plus transport to her summer job allowing her to save her whole wage, grandparents who would visit, take her out, give her money etc.

by the time I went to uni 10 years later, my parents were in a totally different situation, I had a lift to halls on the first day, they screamed at each other for the entire journey and I was handed £50 to buy myself some groceries and stuff to cook with. That was about it as far as parental support and involvement went: they supported my ambitions, and really cared but had major money problems and were too distracted by other issues to support me in the same way as my sister. Had a partial grant/loan, got an evening/weekend job within a week and ended up sending money to/buying groceries for my parents every month. Stayed at uni most holidays because if I went home lifts to any job would not be possible, and I could earn more/send more home that way. Pretty miserable really, didnt do much 'uni stuff' eg minimal going out or parties, no trips, gave up my hobbies and sport, couldnt afford car or lessons. Certainly couldnt do anything interesting or career building like volunteering though I did make sure I moved into paid employment that suited my career direction. Focused on work, got a good degree, decided to do a second degree using private loans, carried on and everything eventually improved for my parents and myself.

This is 20 years ago. I can honestly say I was never resentful of my parents or my elder sister at the time or now despite the contrast of our experiences: though I will gently point out the reality to my sister when she complains how poor she was at Uni, and how hard she worked as a student, or how unsupportive our parents were.

Those were the breaks, the situation for each of us was what it was, and to get resentful and upset about the contrast would have not helped dealing with it in the least. Comparisons are invidious, and self pity is corrosive.

I think your 2nd daughter should be happy that even though things are rough financially you are doing your best to equalise the spirit of the gift by getting her a car, helping as much as you can with lessons and insurance, and being supportive as best you can despite the change in circumstances. Its not always possible for life to be fair, and how to deal with this is a major part of growing up.

So in short, from the opening post:
DD1 has looked after her car very well, and SAVED £4000 so she can take it with her to University, because she needs it to

1. Travel around the area - "very rural Univesity
2. Get to her job
3. Come home and visit her family and boyfriend

DD2 has not saved anything, despite working since she was 16, and she;

1. Wants it so she doesn't have to take the bus to college.
2. Just wants it....

It is DD1's car. She has maintained it and paid all the bills for 3 years, and her sister, (not yet qualified driver?), has no right to ask for it. Surely at her age, she is able to grasp that things change, and you are not picking favorites? In this instance, she just can't have the same as her sister. I would sit her down, show her all your outgoings, and ask her just how she expects you to magic up the money.

It's not shameful to tell your children you can't afford something. I have told my son that he won't be going on the £££ school trip (Independent school) his older sister went on. Fees have gone up, we have a lot of outgoings just now, and we just can't do it. He said, " That's OK, I know how much you have to do to keep us at school. I don't mind"

He's 10.

You haven't fucked up at all, OP. Ignore those saying you have. You haven't.

You couldn't predict where you'd be right now.

And your DD2 has not been deprived at all along the way here. In fact, it sounds like she's cost just as much as DD1's 'car' along the way to getting it, whereas DD1 didn't cost much until 'car'. So it's evened out in the wash.

But your DD2 is clearly a spoiled brat from not going without a thing during all these years, so thinks by stropping and demanding she can get blood from a stone. Or her sister's car off her. Wrong.

I'd lay it out for her one last time: circumstances have changed, you know I can't afford any more than I'm offering, and even that will be difficult for us financially, but I'm willing to do it. And I would also tell her what you didn't want to, about how much she has demanded aand gotten over the years, because it wasn't 'free' and it adds up to what her sister got all at once.

Good luck, OP. Hopefully she'll grow up one of these days, look back and be mortified that she behaved like such a self centred brat, and apologize.

I’m surprised people are saying it’s unfair to DD2 and you should fork out £5k to buy her a car!!! Bloody hell, shit happens and you can’t put yourself under financial stress just so you can be seen as being fair. Life isn’t always fair and if it’s one person that needs to understand it in your family it’s DD2! My older sister got a car for her 21st and I got £100 to spend on clothes! I didn’t begrudge my parents. It was what they could afford at the time and over the years they’ve made it up to me in many other ways.
It’s not an entitlement. I think she’s being extremely immature.
Maybe tell her to ask her father...

Yep you need to sell the car and give them both equal money from the proceeds towards their own cars. Otherwise it is wrong and unequal and will breed resentment.

Also, I wouldn’t want my precious daughter driving in a 500 quid car. Unsafe. A 1500 one will at least be slightly less likely to be a total death trap. Sell and split the money- it’s the only way to be fair.