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AIBU?

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Original poster

DD2 wants to have DD1s car

534 replies

Unsurehere · 31/05/2018 22:09

A few years ago, we were very well off and my DD got a £5000 car for her birthday, insurance paid and all driving lessons paid for. DD1 still has the car, uses it regularly get to work and is now 20. In September she is heading to university, but it’s a very rural university and DD has saved up around £4000 this year to allow her to take her car with her. Her car will allow her to work, socialise and come home and see us and her boyfriend more often.

Now, I am not with their father and income is much lower. We have an issue that DD2 is coming up to passing her driving test and due to our financial situation being pretty bad, the most I can do in the way of a car is a £500 run around and paying some of the insurance.

DD2 has demanded that as DD1 will be at uni, she doesn’t need the car and therefore DD2 should be allowed it. She attends the local college and doesn’t want to get the bus. DD1 has cared for the car and it’s still a very nice, well looked after car, worth quite maybe £3500 now. So much nicer than the £500 car I can offer DD2.

However, DD1 has had the car for three years now, it’s HER car, she pays all the bills for the car, upkeep, etc...

DD2 is also very demanding and spoilt, despite us not giving her everything in demand. She’s worked since she was 16, has had ample opportunity to save up something towards a car, yet she hasn’t.

DD1 has also saved very diligently and is very keen on taking the car to university. Like I said, it’s rural and she will benefit from having it.

I understand it’s not nice for DD2 to not get the same privileges as DD1, however I’ve still offered to pay majority of car insurance despite the fact we don’t have a lot of money. Our financial situation has changed a lot and she knows this.

AIBU to think that DD1 should be allowed to keep HER car and that DD2 shouldn’t be expecting it?

Sharing isn’t an option due to distance, and their schedules would clash too much to even consider it!

OP posts:
SuitedandBooted · 02/06/2018 20:27

Yep you need to sell the car and give them both equal money from the proceeds towards their own cars. Otherwise it is wrong and unequal and will breed resentment.

What a good life lesson. Strop and it shall be given. Hmm

Never mind changed circumstances, never mind that DD1 has worked hard and saved. Little sister yells "its not fair!!!", and that's enough, she must get what she wants.

Gemini69 · 02/06/2018 20:31

Why don't ALL the posters on here who feel OP ... has cheated her DD2... after being left in financial despair after her Divorce... put their money where there mouths are...

Donate your own Cash... for OP.. to buy her DD2 a new car.... Grin

Madratlady · 02/06/2018 20:35

What if the gift had been a lump sum towards a house? Would posters then think it'd be reasonable to force dd1 to sell her house? What if it'd been a piece of jewellery? Would it the be ok for the op to ask for it back?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 02/06/2018 20:38

@Petitepamplempusse - would you really take back a gift that had been given to one of your children, and sell it, and give half the proceeds to your other child? How would you feel if you were th child whose possession was taken and sold?

FaithEverPresent · 02/06/2018 20:45

I can see why your DD2 would feel upset because she won’t see the value of the other stuff you’ve paid for over the years as the same as the car.

In your position, I would suggest she waits until August and then suggest she saves us to contribute towards it. Honestly I remember saving up for a holiday when I was that age (late 90s). My Mum agreed to pay the deposit but I have to save the balance. I did save £450 from my part-time wage to go. My Mum said if I was responsible enough to save that kind of money, I was responsible enough to go on holiday with my friend! If she wants a better car, she’s going to have to contribute towards it. It might make her more responsible with it too.

Gemini69 · 02/06/2018 20:52

What if the gift had been a lump sum towards a house? Would posters then think it'd be reasonable to force dd1 to sell her house? What if it'd been a piece of jewellery? Would it the be ok for the op to ask for it back?

judging by some of the ridiculous responses on here.... I think they would say YES.... Hmm

worridmum · 02/06/2018 21:00

Yes so she gets doublely punished ? her older sister could save tons of money because she got a good reliable car + all lessons + insurance paid for her on it.

In contrast the second daughter gets a old banger that WILL BE A MONEY pit. SOME lessons and MAYBE a small contribution to insurance.

Not really equal treatment their then and any savings the DD2 will be able to make i promise you will be used to keep the old banger running she will be lucky if it does not cost here £500+ in the first 3 months jsut for repair costs not even factoring in the increased insurance costs (old cars ARE more likely to cost more to be insured then newer ones never mind the increased emissions tax (formily called road tax + less fuel efficient).

So no the gifts are no were near equal. its like comparing a 5 bed detached house compared to a damp and moldy studio flat both are "homes" but no way are they equal gifts.

puppymouse · 02/06/2018 21:07

DH's car was £530 and it's just got through its second MOT with minimal work needed. It's a fab little car

Gemini69 · 02/06/2018 21:18

Yes so she gets doublely punished ?

what a truly bizarre comment Hmm

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 02/06/2018 21:22

Argghhh - how many misspellings can I fit in one user name? So sorry, @Petitepamplemousse. Blush

QuinquiremeOfNineveh · 02/06/2018 21:23

Yep you need to sell the car and give them both equal money from the proceeds towards their own cars. Otherwise it is wrong and unequal and will breed resentment.

I've asked before, but no-one has answered yet - what about the £2000 of her own money that dd1 has spent on the car? Does she get that back before the money is divvied up?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 02/06/2018 21:24

A very good question, @QuinquiremeOfNineveh!

Shiftymake · 02/06/2018 21:54

I think I will need to start shouting soon, the gift has been given years ago! Leave DD1 out of this! This is between OP and DD2 and for them to find a solution to make this work for both of them. If DD1 does sell her car on the back of OPs mistake in involving her then I would prefer DD1 to keep all the money, it belongs to her, she is the owner of the car, not the OP or DD2, and buys another car that has no connection with OP and the birthday present scenario.

I am the eldest myself and I have a DLB who has received more then his fair share throughout the years; good for him. I have also been in the shoes of these children, my family was rich and then went bankrupt. I have learned the values of both sides of the plate as it were and doing this is incredibly wrong towards DD1. This is a excellent time to teach DD2 the value of money and the work backing it. My mum worked very hard to rebuild our lives and has done well, and we kids are not spoiled brats fortunately and thankful for what she managed to accomplish after everything crashed around her and us.

DD1 seems to have picked up on this, DD2 still needs to learn that when mum is working very hard to give you everything she possibly can you appreciate this rather then have tantrums regarding a present that was gifted years ago. I can see why DD2 feels its unfair but she has a choice and she will need to wait for it and possibly contribute towards it to get what she wants quicker. Or take the £500 runaround.

BastianBalthazarBux · 02/06/2018 22:00

I think it’s unnecessarily harsh of pp to bandy around terms like brat, bitch etc. In the past few years DD2 has experienced her family’s financial circumstances changing dramatically and suddenly for the worse and the breakdown of her parents’ marriage. Presumably during this time she has also had to go through the usual teenage pressures of exams, physical changes and so on. The car situation is just the latest in a string of perceived injustices which are not of her making and which she has had no control over. I’m not surprised she threw a strop, I’d feel like throwing a tantrum myself in the same circumstances and I’m over twice her age. Hopefully once she’s had a chance to calm down she’ll be able to think about things more rationally, but give the poor girl the benefit of the doubt in the meantime Hmm

Gemini69 · 02/06/2018 22:09

The car situation is just the latest in a string of perceived injustices which are not of her making and which she has had no control over.

OP stated clearly from the outset.. that DD2 has has received way more financial benefits than DD1..
DD2 has had holidays clothes ipad phones money a stream of financial support... whereas DD1 worked and saved.. DD1 didn't socialise or go on holidays or buy clothes.... DD1 worked and she saved... to pay for her own car and studies ....

and you call that injustice Hmm

19lottie82 · 02/06/2018 22:12

Sell and split the money

ITS NOT THE OPs CAR TO SELL!

Pinkprincess1978 · 02/06/2018 22:21

To those suggesting that DD1 sell her car to buy two cheaper cars. If the gift had been say a nice piece of jewellery would it be expected for her to give up the jewellery? Or the nice bedding or whatever else her parents bought?

The situation is incredibly unfair to your you fe daughter and I do think you owe her. That could be subsidising her insurance or other car costs for as long as it takes the get the equivalent to her sister.

BastianBalthazarBux · 02/06/2018 22:43

DD2 has had holidays clothes ipad phones money a stream of financial support
Before things went wrong with her parents finances i.e. when she was still a child
DD1 didn't socialise or go on holidays or buy clothes
The OP said that DD1 hadn’t wanted those things - presumably had she done so they were available to her as much as to DD2 while the finances were healthy
DD1 worked and she saved... to pay for her own car and studies
DD1 has paid for the upkeep of a £5000 car which was given to her as a birthday present
and you call that injustice
No, I referred to perceived injustices, i.e from DD2s point of view. I would imagine that the car situation on top of everything else would seem pretty unjust to her. That doesn’t mean I think DD1 should have to sell the car or that there’s a better solution than the one OP’s already suggesting, but I don’t think DD2 deserved some of the language that was being used, that’s all I meant

Gemini69 · 02/06/2018 23:07

I’m not surprised she threw a strop, I’d feel like throwing a tantrum myself in the same circumstances and I’m over twice her age

No, I referred to perceived injustices, i.e from DD2s point of view

and you agree with them from your own point of view.. as you stated.... Hmm

lizzie1970a · 02/06/2018 23:17

As the DD2 in this situation I feel for her. I didn't even get a 21st birthday present off my parents even though golden child had about £500 spent on him 30 years ago when it happened. I said nothing but I remember. And now none of us talk. (Not over that specifically but it was a sign of things.)

Original poster
Unsurehere · 02/06/2018 23:27

So we seem to have sorted the issue. DD1 inevitably became involved in discussion and initally she said she would sell the car without even being asked. However, I felt this was unfair bearing in mind she’s run and repaired the car for so long, so I said this wouldn’t be something I’d want her to do.

However, DD1 is cutting down her work hours and is going on holiday, doing some pre-reading for uni, etc... and has said as she won’t need the car as much that DD2 can share it with her over summer when she passes her test.

When DD1 goes to uni, car will go with her but by then DD2 and I will have saved up enough money to buy something more decent than a £500 banger.

DD2 seems okay, I’ve sat down with her- like someone suggested- and shown her out old outgoings/income versus our new outgoings/income. It was a very adult discussion and I think the reality has hit her of just how much has changed. Since this discussion she hasn’t mentioned the situation being unfair again.

I also told her that if you compare how much blood, sweat and tears I’m putting in too provide her with a car, it’s a lot more than I did for DD1. This seemed to satisfy her and she thanked me profusely.

DD2 seems reassured by the fact that I’m working so hard to get her a car and this has gotten rid of any feelings of inferiority. Although she did complain she’s not seeing me enough due to extra hours. Grin

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 02/06/2018 23:35

well done OP... Flowers

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 02/06/2018 23:36

It sounds as if you have raised two lovely young women! I’m glad it has all worked out.

IHeartKingThistle · 02/06/2018 23:37

That is some shit-hot parenting right there.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 02/06/2018 23:41

Ah that's a good outcome OP. Both your daughters sound like nice Young women. Is DD1 sure she'll be able to take her car though? Lots of halls don't have parking and parking at uni is normally extortionate. My kids didn't take cars until their second years and never actually used them to go into uni.