DD2 wants to have DD1s car

[Unsurehere]

A few years ago, we were very well off and my DD got a £5000 car for her birthday, insurance paid and all driving lessons paid for. DD1 still has the car, uses it regularly get to work and is now 20. In September she is heading to university, but it’s a very rural university and DD has saved up around £4000 this year to allow her to take her car with her. Her car will allow her to work, socialise and come home and see us and her boyfriend more often.

Now, I am not with their father and income is much lower. We have an issue that DD2 is coming up to passing her driving test and due to our financial situation being pretty bad, the most I can do in the way of a car is a £500 run around and paying some of the insurance.

DD2 has demanded that as DD1 will be at uni, she doesn’t need the car and therefore DD2 should be allowed it. She attends the local college and doesn’t want to get the bus. DD1 has cared for the car and it’s still a very nice, well looked after car, worth quite maybe £3500 now. So much nicer than the £500 car I can offer DD2.

However, DD1 has had the car for three years now, it’s HER car, she pays all the bills for the car, upkeep, etc...

DD2 is also very demanding and spoilt, despite us not giving her everything in demand. She’s worked since she was 16, has had ample opportunity to save up something towards a car, yet she hasn’t.

DD1 has also saved very diligently and is very keen on taking the car to university. Like I said, it’s rural and she will benefit from having it.

I understand it’s not nice for DD2 to not get the same privileges as DD1, however I’ve still offered to pay majority of car insurance despite the fact we don’t have a lot of money. Our financial situation has changed a lot and she knows this.

AIBU to think that DD1 should be allowed to keep HER car and that DD2 shouldn’t be expecting it?

Sharing isn’t an option due to distance, and their schedules would clash too much to even consider it!

I remember my mum saying she couldn't afford a car like me sisters and the injustice of the world just crashed around my ears. Have some sympathy.

I think some posters on here are bonkers! OP should not get into debt and put herself in a financially precarious position in order to buy a 17 year old a car that she wants but does need- that is an extremely stupid thing to do and I cannot believe people are so foolish. Nor can she reclaim DD1's car- it's not OPs to sell and OPs DD has saved and put money into it. Nor should OP be selling her own car or giving DD2 her care- which she needs to get for work (you know, the way OP puts a roof over their heads and food on the table)!

I cannot believe these suggestions are for real. Can people really not say no to their children any more? No wonder there are so many young people who cannot cope with adversity and have to have everything "now" if this really how people behave.

It is unfortunate the way things have turned out, but the bottom line is that OP is not in the financial position to give DD2 the same value car as her sister. It is not entirely fair, but that's the way it is and that is often the way life is. It's crap, but it is reality.

BUT OP is doing her best- giving up luxuries and working extra hours to save to pay for lessons and insurance and the car. That shows more love than anything else- working her arse off to for her DD's benefit. DD2 needs to see that it's the effort and thought that shows the love, not the monetary value. OP needs to explain that to her and help her come to see this situation for what it is.

What you don't do is give into the tantrum, or where will it stop? DD does need to start learning the realities of life. As she has already burnt through the £500 given to her by her Dad, spending on tat (e.g. the wand), it may be time she learnt about the realities of budgeting on a low income.

OP, I think you acknowledge that it's not an ideal situation nor 100% fair- but point out that you are doing what you can do help her by paying for lessons, insurance and buying a car at a price that is affordable. To do this, you are working extra hard and making sacrifices FOR HER. That is how much you care- you cannot give her what you would like, but you are giving her everything that you can. Teaching her to appreciate that- and see the good in what she has/is being offered, rather than focusing on what she hasn't got, s helping your DD more than simply giving in to her tantrums and wants.

Thread reminds me of someone saying "I couldn't breastfeed my eldest baby so I'm not going to even try to breastfeed the next baby; it wouldn't be 'fair' to the eldest if the others were successfully breastfed."

I did read someone wrestling with exactly this situation.

I could imagine telling the DD2 I would find another way to make up to her the financial difference in gift size, but simply cannot afford any way to do it now.

LemonysSnicket

I have some sympathy for DD2, because it would feel very unfair at that age (as adult I think it's a crazy thing to be upset about but teenagers lack perspective). But punishing DD1 so that BOTH of them are treated unfairly is not the answer. I am sure OP can manage the situation so that DD2 understands why this has happened and that it's not about how her mother feels about her.

To all those saying that DD1 should be relieved of her car and it be split; would you be saying the same if she had already sold the car and bought a different one?

Actually I think I was projecting there. Ignore me

MikeUniformMike

_”I remember my mum saying she couldn't afford a car like me sisters and the injustice of the world just crashed around my ears. Have some sympathy”

The OP does have sympathy. She just doesn’t have money.

Can anyone else remember a poster some time ago mentioning that her dad had taken back and sold a car he'd given her as a present? Posters on that thread were outraged by it, but here we have dozens of posters telling the OP to do just that.

@Unsurehere, of course you can't expect DD1 to give up her car, she has invested way too much of her own money into it now for that to be an option even if she offered. You will just have to sit down and talk to DD2 and explain the financial realities. Acknowledge how unfair it is, because of course it is, but that you're doing all that you practically can. And yes, tell her to go and rage at her father too. Especially if it was his actions that lost all of the money.

The OP is treating her daughters equally if she giving them both the most she can afford to give for a car.

It would be unequal if she could afford £5,000 now but didn't want to spend it on the younger DD.

It's a shame that circumstances have changed so drastically. The OP is giving what she can.

The problem is the £500 car is going to cost DD2 more then £500 it cost in the first place and i doubt the OP will be picking up the tab for repairs and would expect her DD2 to pay or associated costs in running a rust bucket.

A car that cheap is just a money drain it really is, would you be happy if she scraps the car the first time it needs repairing when that repair bill is equal too or more then what you originally paid for it?

Because the car is cheap for reason no amount of looking over it is going to change it unless you are scamming an old person well maintained car.

Cheap cars are such a false economy most of them you buy them then get rid as soon as a fault appears and get another £500 car or your stuck in the trap of ever month or so spending a couple hunderd pounds fixing it...

My lesson from this thread is never buy either of my DS a car, which is exactly what my parents did my dad took me to the local car dealership, let me pick a car, then when I got all excited thinking he was buying me a brand new car, he told me to put down my bank details! A brand new car and only a provisional driver!

How the fuck do you propose to take a car off an adult who has had it for years and has paid for it herself? Eh?

Omg thisbthread is infuriating.

OP you shouldn’t be getting into debt over this in the first place, never mind getting into more debt for a fancier car.

Your daughter shouldn’t have to sell her car to make DD2 (who is frankly very bratty) happier.

I think you should tell DD2 that she’s had a lot more spent on her. That wasn’t fair on DD1 but you don’t see her having a tantrum.

Honestly what message will this send? That she can have a strop and be rewarded? She’s already getting so much more than most (and more than you can afford it seems), I wouldn’t be offering the car with such an attitude.

Please don’t let DD1 sell her car and please don’t get into further debt.

Crazmas

I have to agree

Let your dd2 have it for a few years and buy dd1 the 500 quid car.

if anyone took my Car.. I'd immediately report them for Theft.. no matter who they bloody were...

Like many, I can see both sides of this.

I've been wondering when people on this feel strongly for one or other sibling where they are in the pecking order. Eg, so oldests feel sorrier for DD1 and youngest sympathise more with DD2? (I'm the oldest in my family, btw).

Unsurehere I think you seem like the loveliest and most caring of mums. I hope there's a way forward for you all.

My thoughts are
(as someone else suggested) why not ask whether DD1 would consider having DD2 on her insurance from when DD2 passes the test until she goes away to uni. If she's in agreement, then DD2 can have a car to drive in once she's passed the test.

DD1 shouldn't be out of pocket for that.

Maybe tell DD2 that you'll buy her a car for Christmas. That gives you longer to save. It won't be as bling as an Alfa Romeo, but it gives you 7 months to save for something better than you could get her now.

DD2 won't have a car from when DSis leaves for Uni until Christmas, but that's only 3 months-ish, and many people don't get a car as soon as they pass their test.

Is that a compromise?

You are treating your daughters differently because circumstances are different. It doesn't mean that you are treating DD2 unfairly. It could be argued that as you could easily afford DD1's car but that you've had to scrimp and save for DD2's that her gift actually involved a lot more effort.

I really don't think you can take DD1's gift away after several years and investment of her own cash into it. DD2 just has some growing up to do and seems to be quite uncaring towards DD1 by suggesting something that is clearly her be taken away from her.

If DD2 is getting angry with anyone, why isn't it her DF who is staying completely out of the situation and leaving her DM to deal with, and pay for, everything? He gets off scot-free while the OP is the baddy to both DDs, despite being the one to have to dig them out of the financial shit.

OP you've had a kicking from some posters on here. Do your DDs really understand how precarious the money situation has been? Would he contribute anything?

OP, you clearly don't like your second daughter, why pretend otherwise? Posters have called her a cunt, bratty, spoilt, and a bitch, but you haven't told a single one to shut the fuck up. You need to work out why you have decided she isn't worthy, and fix your relationship with her.

Your DD2 needs to learn a life lesson here. Life is not fair. Tell her that is all you can afford. Suggest if she feels that's insufficient that she asks her father what he can contribute to her car fund.

My father's mother had a sampler which said : Life ain't a matter of holding good cards, but playing a poor hand well' A cheaper car will likely be less costly to run than an Alfa, cheaper on parts if she damages it so it'll also be cheaper to insure..

Posters who suggest the OP 'takes' the car and gives it to DD2, how do they suggest she does this? Does she have the car key? No. Does she have the log book? No. Why? Because it's not her car.

The OP is treating her daughters equally if she giving them both the most she can afford to give for a car.

NO, she's doing her best and being as generous as she can possibly be - and that still doesn't mean the situation is fair and equal. No matter how you frame this, no matter how much the cognitive dissonance makes you squirm and want to belive that dd2 has had here share, or that she doesn't deserve it, or she won't look after it, so she shouldn't have a £5k car, the truth is this - It is not fair. It is not equal.

You've fucked up OP. On multiple fronts.

At the point where you spent 5k on a car for your eldest, the same amount should have been put aside for DD2. Especially if it was as readily available as you say it was. You didn't plan, and that was reckless.

Fuck up #2 came when you discussed DD2's upset with DD1. It was nothing to do with DD1. All you'll have managed to do is make DD2 feel about 5 inches tall by highlighting that she's not allowed to feel put out by a very obviously unfair situation without you discussing how selfish she is with the rest of the family. Her sister is supposed to be her equal, not your confidant.

And fuck up #3 is the very clear difference in how you view your daughters. Take it from someone who's experienced it, it's extremely obvious when one child is favoured above another. I'm not even talking in terms of money here.

Your circumstances have changed. You're unable to magic up money from nowhere now the mistake not to put aside the money for DD2 has been made. But did this really need to be how she finds out that she's not been provided for in the way she'd expected from the example you set? You really should have spoken to her about this earlier.

I'm terms of fixing this, the first thing to do is overhaul your attitude towards DD2. If you didn't make it clear at the time of the trips that the funding for those was in place of getting a good car, don't try to act as though that's what's happened. Empathise with her. As someone who's had several £500 cars, I can assure you she'll almost certainly end up spending a lot to keep it on the road. Easily far more than you will be paying for it. That cost will affect her hugely at her age. Admit that you fucked up by not saving for her. And that you fucked up by discussing her with DD1. Apologise. And try to make some kind of provision for her going forward to help her to the tune of a few grand with a deposit for a house if it's possible.

To be honest, I wouldn't be looking at DD1's car at all to try to rectify this but I may well have looked at my own. How much is your own car worth OP?