To think vegetarian dd is being unreasonable?

[Abergavenny]

A few weeks ago, Dd aged 14 declared that she is now a vegetarian. It’s a bit of a hassle, given that the rest of us (2 parents + 2 siblings) all eat meat, but I’m getting the hang of it i.e. doing quorn chicken for her while doing normal chicken for the rest of us.

Yesterday, however, she refused to eat what I’d made her - I’d done a tomato pasta bake with meatballs, and put veggie meatballs in at one end for her. But she refused to eat it because it had been cooked in the same dish as the meat.

AIBU to think she’s being unreasonably precious given that she ate meat for 13 and a bit years before this?

And is it unreasonable to refuse to cook her anything else, and tell her she either eats veggie options cooked in the same pan as meat or makes her own meal?

Yes, some veggie meals for everyone. Then others, like the one in the OP that are easy to do two versions of. If you have a family member who doesn’t like fish, for example, do you cook fish for everyone else and say “sort yourself out” to the non fish eater?

I imagine it feels great to be excluded from (some) family meals, due to making a decision that your parents don't approve of.

@RavenWings

Absolutely. As far as I'm concerned, there's a family meal provided. If you don't want to eat it, you sort your own and I am happy to help you with the logistics of that. I don't agree with passing the workload of your choice onto someone else.

I genuinely don't understand why some pp find it so annoying. As I said in an earlier post, both my DDs cooked for themselves once they became vegetarian, but that was because they're both terrific organisers, and throw themselves into things. I wouldn't have minded doing things now and again - as I'm sure I did, at exam times.

The poor teenager isn't some kind of entitled monster, she's just someone who's made a choice about what she wants to eat. Help her to cook for herself, but without the attitude of "If you're going to be such a nuisance you can bloody well cook your own bloody meals and not dictate what the rest of us eat."

Nigelwiththebrie, if she ate the bloody meat it wouldn’t bring th cow back to life either would it? What an inane argument.

I was vegetarian in my teens, my parents were fine but my grandmother would do this chicken and rice thing in the oven then give me the rice without any chicken, except there was still small fragments of chicken in it that couldn't really be avoided without eating it one grain at a time

I ate it. It was that or go hungry if I was staying there, as she wouldn't have allowed me to cook my own food.

Your daughter is not bu to not want her food cooked with the meat.

Why does being veggie make non veggies so very cross?

Laughing at the reason that you can’t eat veggie meals is because you’re worried about iron. On the BBC Good Food page, of the 20 iron-rich foods they list, three are meat, three are shellfish and the other fourteen are veggie Lentils and chickpeas are great for iron, for instance, and it is much, much better for your health generally to have meat-free days.

You must know YOU are being unreasonable.

I don't think it's being veggie per se that makes people cross, it's the sense of entitlement and superiority that so so many veggies have. Not all, but in my experience, certainly the vast majority.
For example, if I don't want to eat avocados, I'll just pick them out of my salad. If it's no hassle, they can be left out of my salad.
I absolutely do not expect someone to prepare an entirely different dish for me, using entirely different utensils, (one particular person I know expects us to have two barbecues going for her peppers).
I also don't expect the entire table to go without avocados, because I want to.

Also, still no one has answered my question after 500 posts - what actual difference does it make to animals if I use the same spoon to mix my meat and your veggies. No further animals have been harmed.

You sound like you are a bit put out, for whatever reason - more planning, learning new ways of cooking, more work - but instead of talking to your daughter and reaching a compromise, you've chosen to passively aggressively cook her something in a way that most reasonable people would say renders the meal inedible to her. Is this really how you want to teach your daughter to behave, the way you want her to wield power as she grows up? What message are you sending her about how you feel about her?

As your children become teenagers and young adults you have to navigate your way to an adult, respectful relationship with each other, I don't see how you're hoping to do that if this is the kind of stunt you pull.

@arethereanyleftatall I cannot possibly answer for other vegetarians, but for me part of the reason that I am vegetarian is that I don't want to eat dead animals.

Can I check that you're equally annoyed with any Muslim/Jewish/Hindu/Buddist etc guests you may have at your barbecue who object to pork/beef/whatever being cooked with and served with the same utensils as their food? Or being asked to pick out the pork/beef/whatever from the food you've cooked?

Good question! I don't have any such guests, so I have no experience of that to know. I guess it would depend on their attitude, not in the details of what they don't eat.

I am not a vegetarian. But my understanding is that vegetarians don't want to eat dead animals. Or sauce with dead animal in it.

And re your avocado point. If someone you loved was cooking a family dinner that involved avocados then it would be mean to put avocados in the whole dish, rather than serving yours before adding them, surely?

YABU, i turned veggie when I was 9 and my very patient mum would just use the quorn version of whatever the rest of the family was eating with the same sides to make it easier. But always cooked separately. (the one time she tried to sneakily give me goosefat roasties was probably the worst argument we've ever had)As soon as I was physically allowed to cook for myself I jumped at the chance (11/12 ish) to try veggie food sans quorn though.

Having thought on your question @AssassinatedBeauty... as an occasional host I would accommodate them (as I would a veggie); however on a day to day basis (as in the op), I would appreciate a bit of compromise/help from them.

Also, still no one has answered my question after 500 posts - what actual difference does it make to animals if I use the same spoon to mix my meat and your veggies. No further animals have been harmed

It make a huge difference if consumers stop buying meat products and start demanding vegetarian or vegan ones. By not consuming the product at home (via meat juices) this one person is making a small and primarily symbolic step to announce they no longer consume meat. But next time that family go to the supermarket, likely they will buy more vegetables, perhaps try out eating different foods, buy some specific vegetarian products.

It's like saying I might as well wear this seal fur coat as it won't bring the baby seal back if I don't. But by making your behaviour consonant with your values, you can influence wider social norms of acceptable behaviour- that's how fur wearing became totally socially unacceptable in our society (and there were probably lots of parents in the early days saying but we've always worn fur, I can't afford to get you new hat, it won't bring the rabbit back blah blah because some people are quite resistant to change, even that recommended by health organizations). A similar thing happened with free range eggs and now they outsell battery ones.

Little individual acts go to contribute to social change. My dd who is vegetarian no longer eats Haribo as it contains gelatin. One person, not much change. But already they have one product that is vegetarian, and my guess is they'll move to other non-animal derived products pretty soon. She is prepared to turn them down at parties, doesn't eat them when her sister buys them. I think it's great to express your values through what you consume.

As an occasional host, whilst accommodating a religious diet, would you find it as annoying and tiresome as accommodating a vegetarian?

It's like saying I might as well wear this seal fur coat as it won't bring the baby seal back if I don't.

It's such a weird attitude. I knew someone years ago who was a Buddhist and vegetarian, apparently very committed. Last time I visited (he'd married in the meantime) I was a bit shocked to see meat being served up for dinner. He said "Oh Helen (not real name) pointed out to that it's in the supermarkets anyway, our buying it will make no difference, so it was being a bit silly not to have it.". My respect for him plummeted. :(

juells

What a plonker

Sorry its not really funny

I hope you were able to reamin friends

When I went veggie as a teenager I made my own meals.

Like I said, it depends on the person and their expectations. I would accommodate the first time happily and then play it by ear.
One veggie friend, before I even knew she was veggie, brings her own pepper wrapped in foil, to go on the same Barbie as the meat, Then eats the salad provided etc. No nonsense. Not annoying or tiresome whatsoever.
Other veggie, contributes nothing, expects dh to run two barbies, expects me to have prepared her something individual, expects a veggie wine, etc etc. Never hosts herself. She is exceptionally annoying and tiresome and has absolutely skewed my views on vegetarians negatively.

"She is exceptionally annoying and tiresome and has absolutely skewed my views on vegetarians negatively."
Interesting. Why weren't your views on vegetarians skewed positively by the nice consrderate one?

She is exceptionally annoying and tiresome and has absolutely skewed my views on vegetarians negatively.

She sounds like the people who claim to have allergies just to create drama and make themselves the centre of attention, thereby ensuring that people who really do have allergies get no understanding for their real problems. Fecking notice-boxes.

i think you are being unreasonable and not respecting her opinions. This is typical controlling mothering behaviour. Let her have her own freedom encourage it. Help her. You should be proud of this.

My mum used to do exactly what you did. She made me cook my own food from the age of 10. I then went on to be a vegetarian/began chef in one of the top 10 yoga hotels in the world, and then went onto run a the health and wellness spa on a private island off Mozambique, and Daniel Craig and Roberto Cavalli were clients. I went on to qualify in dietics, and worked for the United Nations in Kenya, Uganda and South Sudan.

I still find it amazing that my parents didn't encourage me. Oh well.