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AIBU?

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Original poster

HE TOOK THIS JOB WITHOUT EVEN DISCUSSING IT WITH ME

128 replies

hungryhippo90 · 31/05/2018 17:56

To be fair, our marriage is in trouble, to be fair, I didn’t quite see us staying together much longer, but I’ve been trying, and so has he.

We spent much of this week on training together- we have a small business which we are both directors of.

We finished our training, got home, he went to the living room, he’s on the phone. He gets off, I ask, new contract? What’s that?

He’d arranged to start a contract in Germany on Monday.

As Just above and I have to write this again because I’m fucking dumbfounded. He leaves on Monday.
He isn’t 100% on the details as he’s waiting for his contract to come through, but he is going on Monday. No discussion.

Please someone tell me I’m not being U to believe that this is the end of our marriage?

It’s not a discussion that’s anything to do with me as his wife, or business partner, and seemingly no concern to him that we have a child who’s life he’s just disappearing from?! He seems to just think he’s going for a few months work.

I am so hurt.

OP posts:
GloGirl · 31/05/2018 17:59

Crikey. I'm so sorry but I can't see how anyone could feel in a partnership and make a decision like that.

While I don't know if it is the end of your marriage, it certainly sounds like a break of some kind.

Metoodear · 31/05/2018 18:00

Oh dear now words just hugs he clearly wasn’t really invested and was planning his escape I doubt this was the first interview he went to

Original poster
hungryhippo90 · 31/05/2018 18:05

What kind arsehole does that? Just fucking moves to another country?? I wish I knew when he would have told me if that conversation didn’t happen because I learn him on the phone.

OP posts:
Original poster
hungryhippo90 · 31/05/2018 18:05

*heard.

OP posts:
cardibach · 31/05/2018 18:05

What is the contract? Is it to do with your business or a separate job? How long would he go for?
He should have discussed it with you, but the severity of his actions depends on details you haven’t given.

FermatsTheorem · 31/05/2018 18:07

Oh OP, it sucks doesn't it? Pretty much this happened to me - after a 2 year job abroad, (now ex-) DP announced that his new job was up the other end of the country to where I lived and worked. To have a Churchillian moment, it was not the end, but it was the beginning of the end.

Flowers It really, really sucks. Bastard!

Domino20 · 31/05/2018 18:10

Wow. Who has he arranged for to co-parent with you in his place?

BitOutOfPractice · 31/05/2018 18:11

I hear you too. It sucks. And yes, in the end, it'll be the end of your relationship (even if it was good already)

Sorry Thanks

Original poster
hungryhippo90 · 31/05/2018 18:11

Cardi- I can’t see how the severity of his actions are in details I haven’t given. The important detail is he is going to Germany. He didn’t feel like discussing this.

I believe it’s self employed, on behalf of our business but then it’s the easiest route for him to operate that way, it’s all set up.

He says it’s 12 weeks- ongoing.

From my situation I can’t see any way that this is a “good” thing for us. I didn’t know about this until he had accepted. His mind was made up.

BTW. We usually make business choices together.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 31/05/2018 18:14

What has he said about your DC?

Original poster
hungryhippo90 · 31/05/2018 18:14

FormatsFlowers I’m so sorry you went through this too.
It’s one hell of a punch in the gut. I was expecting that our marriage may not survive but i didn’t expect this.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 31/05/2018 18:17
Shock

Have you told him this is a dealbreaker? Not that it should need spelling out.

Does he assume you will do all the parenting and continue to WoH?

Suggest you get legal advice about the business.

BitOutOfPractice · 31/05/2018 18:19

Happened to me too. Though I have to say my exDP dressed it up a lot more nicely than yours has bothered to do

charlyn · 31/05/2018 18:20

So he gets to decide he’s just going to go abroad and leave you with all the parenting without discussing it with you? As if a mother would just do that.

ReservoirDogs · 31/05/2018 18:21

Sorry is it a contract for your joint business or a completely new job meaning he is leaving your business?

Original poster
hungryhippo90 · 31/05/2018 18:21

He hasn’t said anything about DD. He seems to think that this makes no difference. It’s just a job. It’s not though if it was I wouldn’t feel this way.

OP posts:
Original poster
hungryhippo90 · 31/05/2018 18:22

Supposedly under our business but he could have the funds sent to whatever account he wants I gather.

OP posts:
Dobbythesockelf · 31/05/2018 18:23

Does your business involve travelling for contracts often? Obviously that wouldn't excuse him not discussing it with you but if it does maybe he thinks it's normal. Long shot I know?
It's terrible that he hasn't mentioned your dd though.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 31/05/2018 18:26

What an inconsiderate selfish twat. For me yes it would be the end of the marriage-how could he not even discuss it with you never mind the fact you have a child together-wtf?

BlueJava · 31/05/2018 18:27

I think you really need to sort out if this is his way of leaving or not.

If it is then you know the road you have to go down re splitting assets, both caring for your DC etc. But if it's not his way of leaving then Germany isn't the end of the earth. I've worked for months in countries away from my DP, we're still very much together (he looked after the kids in the UK while I was working in Hong Kong). It's prefectly reasonable to fly back on a Friday night back and out on a Sunday night every other weekend for example (Iworked in Helskinki for 6 months like this whilst my DP worked in the UK).

LOL7 · 31/05/2018 18:29

Has he mentioned coming back at weekends etc to see your dc?

HeebieJeebies456 · 31/05/2018 18:30

so basically he was applying/planning this whilst making all the right noises about wanting the marriage to work?!

arsehole!

Original poster
hungryhippo90 · 31/05/2018 18:31

No mention of coming back, and he does travel usually about an hour but we discuss everything cos I usually assist him.

OP posts:
MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 31/05/2018 18:32

Supposedly under our business but he could have the funds sent to whatever account he wants I gather

This sounds decidedly fishy to me. I'd be consulting a solicitor pretty damned quick if I were you OP. I'm sorry to say this but it sounds as though he's mentally checked out of the marriage and this job is his exit plan rather than a boost for your joint business.

TheletterZ · 31/05/2018 18:34

I think it is not so much the fact that he will be away for at least 3 months but the fact he hasn't discussed it at all that is the problem! If he is going on Monday he must have known about his for a while and so there is also a degree of secrecy involved as well.

You really do need to sit down and discuss this but it does seem that communication and maybe the marriage has broken down.

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