HE TOOK THIS JOB WITHOUT EVEN DISCUSSING IT WITH ME

[hungryhippo90]

To be fair, our marriage is in trouble, to be fair, I didn’t quite see us staying together much longer, but I’ve been trying, and so has he.

We spent much of this week on training together- we have a small business which we are both directors of.

We finished our training, got home, he went to the living room, he’s on the phone. He gets off, I ask, new contract? What’s that?

He’d arranged to start a contract in Germany on Monday.

As Just above and I have to write this again because I’m fucking dumbfounded. He leaves on Monday.
He isn’t 100% on the details as he’s waiting for his contract to come through, but he is going on Monday. No discussion.

Please someone tell me I’m not being U to believe that this is the end of our marriage?

It’s not a discussion that’s anything to do with me as his wife, or business partner, and seemingly no concern to him that we have a child who’s life he’s just disappearing from?! He seems to just think he’s going for a few months work.

I am so hurt.

Your DD is 10, she's old enough for you to explain things like KataraJean said.

You need to make the most of this time he's away, to see a solicitor and start extricating yourself from him and the business.

As a pp said, you don't love him, you love the person you thought he was, the one you fell in love with, but time and his behaviour have shown you that he's not that person now. He doesn't love you, he doesn't like you, and he doesn't respect you. There's nothing here to cling on to, so cut him loose.

But Ajas I assume you discussed things before either of you took on a role abroad? My husband works abroad practically every week and that’s fine as we get together and work out diaries and significant things and work around it all. Sometimes he pops off at a day’s notice but would always mention it. The thought that the daughter could just ‘visit at weekends’ is ridiculous. Don’t know if he’s expecting you to come out with her as there are much less unaccompanied flights available but I wouldn’t be happy putting my 10 year old on a flight on her own at all. And unaccompanied flights are more expensive too, getting to the airport, hotel accommodation over there, finding the right flights so dd misses hardly any school, all a complete nightmare.
I’d be annoyed if he did this to me but bloody furious he did this to dd without even thinking how she would feel.

Motoko has put it perfectly.

He doesn't care about or respect you at all. Definitely get out of this relationship.

To the poster who said I read as together, I’m freefalling, I think my only grace is that I’m here having to kind of make sense of it myself to write it down. That will sound stupid I know.

I did say to DD yesterday that this wasn’t my fault, that actually I will be the one here in a months time making sure she goes to school, is fed and taken care of and she was told that her dad isn’t very good at planning, which is why I usually plan everything, and that’s how he’s happened to overlook that it’s not even likely to be weekends he has off (according to his last update he will work 14-17 days then have 4 off) It is shit that he’s practically selling it as she will have a holiday every flipping weekend, if I was 10 and being told I could virtually leave school on a Friday afternoon to go and stay in Germany for the weekend with my dad, I would also not see a problem, if sounds like the life! I think I’ve realigned her expectations a little, but he’s a massive twat for not being clear with her about what life will actually be like, and no chance am I spending weekends travelling to and from Germany, no way.

I do want to point out though, it isn’t the fact that he’s working away, he could do that. If he had discussed it with me first it would be a completely different matter, DD and I would have discussed it, but he’s always hated the idea of oversees contracting. So this comes as a massive shock to me but without discussing it he’s just going.
We’re also not a family who make decisions singularly. Our decisions are made together, because we share the business we have equal (ish- he has 2%share more than me.)
Say we discuss everything to do with that, which seems to affect our finances, each decision is made in a similar fashion. This whole situation is so far from the marriage we have had.

I'm sorry you're going through this. As someone wise once said to me a long time ago, he's doing this because he wants to. Not because he's disorganised, or it's a lazy minute opportunity. He's effectively telling you that what suits him matters more than anyone else in the family, and that his key decisions are his own, and not the joint ones you thought they were.

Can you live with that?

Last not lazy

Also, after he has left you will have to
E to really think about what you want. Make an immediate list of what needs to be done now at your end eg job and after school childcare.

Have a chance to really think about...

You need to get proper legal advice about the company too asap as I’m pretty sure that as the majority shareholder he can do whatever he wants with the company, that 2% extra he has is crucial (I’m pretty sure). Really do get some advice.
So sorry about all this.

Thinking this through a bit more. He didn't just wake up one morning, have a brain fart and take a contract in Germany without thinking of the ramifications. He's been working on this at the absolute minimum for a few days, more likely he's been planning it for a while. The question is why. I really hope I'm wrong OP but I think you should prepare yourself for something nasty coming out the woodwork. Whether that be an OW, that he's decided to go for divorce, that he's built up massive debts you don't yet know about, who knows.

I'll say again, I do hope for your sake I'm wrong but flitting off to another country for 3 months at a moments notice, without any discussion, is not something a normal partner and parent does and it's clear this is completely out of the ordinary in the context of your relationship. This is a symptom and a warning sign, not the primary problem. He already has some kind of plan and is putting it into effect. You need to catch up very quickly for your sake and your daughter.

I'm sorry you're going through this. As someone wise once said to me a long time ago, he's doing this because he wants to. Not because he's disorganised, or it's a lazy minute opportunity. He's effectively telling you that what suits him matters more than anyone else in the family, and that his key decisions are his own, and not the joint ones you thought they were. Can you live with that?*

THIS

When someone *shows you who they are, believe them.

Am sorry to say it but this stinks to high heaven. Is there a possibility of someone else involved that he is moving to Germany with?

He's going to screw you over. May be that he isn't doing it consciously, but outcome will be the same.

Supposedly under our business but he could have the funds sent to whatever account he wants I gather

I agree, fishy as hell. Do seek legal advice on this urgently. My exDP & business partner did similar, though not do obvious with moving abroad, but he redirected payment for a big order i had worked my bollocks on & he'd done very little as he couldn't. I did lose a lot of money, but with hindsight it was worth it to get rid of him.

Your situation would be an absolute deal breaker for me, he's already checked out the marriage & for a large part, fatherhood too. Get your ducks in a row legally & move on, neither your nor your DCs need this flyby night

That 2% extra ownership is critical. You need some legal advice ASAP.

OMG...... talk about a spineless, limp dicked idiot. Get on the computer and lock everything down that he has access to in terms of company data and finances, that includes internet services like a website and email access (allow him his personal work email access) you don't want him being able to acquire your client database and setting up on his own without talking this all through with you (yes, you are using the information as ransom)
Talk to a solicitor ASAP, about your options of estrangement and having him provide an allowance for your child
Are there other family members that know you two are on a rocky road atm??? Talk with them and get a rounded opinion.
Hope this helps and good luck.

that extra 2% means he can have the deciding vote in the business.

He's even more of a dick than initially thought, and that's saying something!

I would hang him out, tbh. Tell your DD in front of your DH that you will be delighted to drop her off at the airport and pick her up for all those weekend visits he's going on about. Tell him, in front of her, that he should book her flights and you'll make sure she's there. How wonderful of him to tell her she could spend all her weekends with him in Germany. And then wait... let him back peddle and hang himself out with her. Not you.

And contact a solicitor first thing tomorrow, Monday!

People talking about the business- that is irrelevant-sounds like it is a personal service company and do without her dh it has no value.

As a director ( if you are) you must ensure that the company is run or closed legally.

The business may have no value without her dh but it would still make sense for the op to lock access etc toclient and business data any way she can legally to hold her dh hostage.

so, you have bailed him out before when he made crap decisions and went bankrupt. You bailed him out again by helping him to set up a company. you bail him out every day with the organisation of family life being done almost solely by you.

and now this? cant you see that even if he goes or stays you are still going to, in some way, be bailing him out? Either with the contracts you have in the UK and in particularly the one he just dropped without any knowledge of you - his supposed business partner. or with the german contract. does he even know what financial penalties there are for just dropping this with a couple of days notice?

I am sorry OP but there are some people who just should not be self employed under any circumstances and your H is one of them. He has no clarity of thought, no strategy and no organisational skills. he is a disaster and will eventually go bankrupt again but this time bring you down with him.

perhaps you are confusing the fact that you don't want things to change with being in love with him still?

you need to sit down now and very calmly change all the passwords on absolutely everything. you are jointly in this mess this time and you cannot have yourself declared bankrupt because of this total twat. if he doesn't like the fact that you have done it - tough shit. you cannot trust him with money or decisions, he has proved that.

you HAVE to protect your daughter and yourself.

you need to get out of any joint company arrangements with him asap because he will literally drag you down with him. the ship has sunk before, it felt easy because you helped him so he will have no qualms about taking it down again. look at the stats on how many people in business only bankrupt once. they don't. they go on and do it again and again.

protect yourself and your daughter. financially first then emotionally. whether he stays or goes is now irrelevant because this is over and what you need to do is make sure that the shit hits him and not you.

He doesn’t sound like a good decision maker. I agree with pps. It doesn’t sound as if there is any real value in the business and i would extricate myself legally from it as quickly as possible.

I read your other thread too. It sounds horrendous.

This man is deliberately trying to sabotage your career, possibly to make himself feel better about his own crap business decisions. Leave now, while you still have a good chance to find work.

Is he allowed to be the director of a LTD company with majority share with a bankruptcy under his belt

but he’s a massive twat for not being clear with her about what life will actually be like because he doesn't have to cop the fallout when he isn't there for her. One weekend without going to see him will turn into tow, will turn into three, will turn in to four etc... and YOU will cop it from her while he is completely oblivious to everything.