HE TOOK THIS JOB WITHOUT EVEN DISCUSSING IT WITH ME

[hungryhippo90]

To be fair, our marriage is in trouble, to be fair, I didn’t quite see us staying together much longer, but I’ve been trying, and so has he.

We spent much of this week on training together- we have a small business which we are both directors of.

We finished our training, got home, he went to the living room, he’s on the phone. He gets off, I ask, new contract? What’s that?

He’d arranged to start a contract in Germany on Monday.

As Just above and I have to write this again because I’m fucking dumbfounded. He leaves on Monday.
He isn’t 100% on the details as he’s waiting for his contract to come through, but he is going on Monday. No discussion.

Please someone tell me I’m not being U to believe that this is the end of our marriage?

It’s not a discussion that’s anything to do with me as his wife, or business partner, and seemingly no concern to him that we have a child who’s life he’s just disappearing from?! He seems to just think he’s going for a few months work.

I am so hurt.

Have you asked him why he hasn't said anything? What if you'd both done the same thing and DD had no one to look after her. He sounds awfully self-absorbed.

Can you sit him down and ask him what he would think or how he would feel if the situation was reversed, and you were the one with the contract in Germany, and had announced it to him as a fait accompli, and he had to figure out how to deal with DD and life's little ups and downs and running the business without you for '12 weeks ongoing'?

You need to sit him down anyway.

As far as I can gather, here is your situation:
You have a business together. Is it doing ok?
Assuming it is ok, is it feasible to continue to work together as directors?
Does your business have any sort of short term or long term plan that you follow and discuss/update regularly?
(How has business communication been going up to now?)

Are you aware of all business accounts, all business finances, or have some different functions been divided up - him doing finances and you doing sales? (for instance)..

It looks as if your marriage is over.

It may well be that your business is kaput too. Business partners do not make decisions like the one he has made without consultation. Do you trust him as a business partner?

Does your business have a solicitor? You may need some reorganisation, some built in assurances that money is all visible and available, assets are all accounted for, income guaranteed. An escrow account may be necessary for funds to keep operating the business and guaranteeing your income (plus roof over your head and food), and into which he will pay business income while away (if his work in Germany is for your business).

You need a separate solicitor for divorce.

Ministerforcheekyfuckery- certainly feels that way,
I know him, he will make the right noises until he doesn’t have to.
He won’t answer my questions, he keeps saying it’s for the family.
Hasn’t answered when we will see him, if he intends on living there, what were supposed to do for money. He says “he doesn’t know”

Get on the phone to your solicitor.

If your business doesn't have one, it should.

You need legal advice immediately.

Is it an ICT contract by any chance OP? I only ask as my partner got offered a contract in Germany but didn't take it. If it's the same would he need to find his own housing? Bit late notice if he leaves Monday.

Do you own your own home?

Is it your business address too?

Do you rent an office space?

Does the business own assets?

Inventory?

A client list/email list?

What is owed to the business? (Check the accounts).

What ongoing work is afoot, and can you handle this while he is away 'indefinitely'?

Oh this sounds just so unfair and absolutely awful for you.

Write down the questions you want answers to like are you coming back at weekends, where will DD stay when she comes over to be with you. how much money are you putting into the business / communal pot from this job. you need to write them down so you don't forget anything that is important.

what you need from him now is clarity. what is his view of this?

Honestly what a bloody coward of a man to do this with no prior warning.

as others have said whatever comes of this now is the time for you to get your ducks in a row. I would be on the computer now changing the password to every single account whether joint or sole name to stop him clearing the funds.

I think it’s time to protect yourself, sorry.
If there is some money in the business, Does he have full access and can he just empty the accounts and leave?
What about your own accounts?

Do you have separate household and business accounts?

And YY about going to see a solicitor asap, tomorrow if possible.

Is the business in trouble or short of money

A lot of people fly to work somewhere Monday to Friday. Germany or Scotland makes no difference really. In my last job I didn't have much control over where I was going Monday to Friday and my partner would get on with stuff when I was away (pre-children though, and part of the reason I left that job).

Focus on what is important - that you don't feel that he has involved you in the decision making process. Both personally (marriage / childcare) and professionally (if through the business presumably it is a significant bit of work)?

Are you being unreasonable? Difficult for us to say - depends whether this would this be considered normal for your business.

I run a business with my DH. it doesn't matter what the industry norm is in terms of working abroad.

this man is upping sticks on Monday.

he hasn't said where he is going to live.
he hasn't said if/when he is coming home
he hasn't said how he will maintain contact with HIS child

If you run a business with someone/anyone, then big decisions like a long term contract which this is, are discussed and the pros and cons incidental costs etc examined.

the OP has had no chance to do this.

he is in effect walking out the door with no plan other than this job.

the betrayal is there, irrelevant as to what industry they are in.

Sorry but I would use this time as an opportunity to get your affairs in order, seek legal advice and look as this as an estrangement.

The fact that he made the decision without you speaks volumes. Says he doesn't know but he must do. Whi would agree to a job without knowing the details. Seems like he's running away so doesn't have to make a decision about the marriage-he wants u to end it so he looks like the good guy. U said that u thought it might end but not this way so am presuming there have been issues. YANBU. Sorry that yr having to deal with this cowardly behaviour. Unfortunately theres a lot of it around looking at MN.

Wow, he’s made his position clear!!

Fuck him, time to get your ducks in a row!

I suppose its possible he could be planning on coming home every weekend? thats easily do-able from Germany and plenty of families have one parent who is away from home during the week but home at weekends.

Maybe on a positive note, if things have been rocky lately then time apart may be beneficial for all of you.

Fuck OP how incredibly selfish and cruel of him! He needs to give you answers! 💐

Is your joint business successful and pulling in money at the moment, OP? Because if he's saying it's for the family (and it's a short-term contract because you say it's a few months) is it to bring in money?

Yes, he should have discussed it with you (how old is your child?) but if you are short of money and it's the only work he can find, is that why he's taken it?

Oh OP, you must be so upset. What a rotten thing to spring on you. Do see a solicitor asap and make sure he doesn't take business funds. Get a babysitter booked in tomorrow so you are free to make all your calls and just think.
Do you know the name of the client he's going to work for?
Is he even going to Germany? I'd check that too.
If he's going on MOnday for instance, does he have a ticket?
This all sounds so odd, get advice from a solicitor to protect yourself financially.
Maybe when he actually talks about it, he could just be considering it as a short term contract, but he's caused an enormous amount of worry by doing it like this. In any case, make sure you are secure as he sounds unreliable.

Thats really bad. My husband went abroad for work, seven weeks was the longest trip but there was ALOT of dicussion before it and essentially it was me that had the final decision since I was the one on my own with the kids etc. We have a good, happy marriage and it was really hard. Me being stuck at home with the kids on my own whilst he went out every evening dinner and drinks paid for and a saturday night out each week..yeah its not easy and id be fuming if I was you. Its not acceptable.

Or the other way to look at is that you both now have breathing space to re-evaluate everything.

You haven't said what the nature of the business is, but is it feasible that he can he hop home at weekends on £20 easyjet flights?

Have you actually spoken to him about this? the bigger impact?

OP - that is just awful for you ! I agree, you must get good legal advise for your business and yourself as soon as you can. Protect yourself and your daughter first above all else.

If it was me, I would make him answer my questions. If he doesn’t, then I would say that he can either be honest and discuss this properly as sensible married adults or you separate and when he comes back, it will be to a petition for a divorce with visiting arrangements for his daughter.

How on earth he could make a decision like that when you are married with a child is beyond me!

He is clearly a man who has to be in control. Take it back whatever you do- DO NOT let him dominate like this! Be strong for you and your DD. Stand up to him! Be clear about what you want. Or - you do this covertly, let him go and arrange to see a solicitor after you’ve waved him off on Monday morning. Change the locks, pack the rest of his stuff and send it to his family.

Either way, this is evidence of a man who sees himself as virtually single, independent of you as a couple and does not have the interests of his daughter at heart at all. If he insists on going, he should lose his family as clearly he does not care. He is pushing your boundaries to the limit! Stop him doing that- be firm with your boundaries; be firm, assured and calm. But don’t let him make such a big decision alone without consequences - you are half of this marriage.

He sounds utterly selfish and immature - almost as a free man going off on a jolly and travelling, not a married man with responsibilities and a child.

I don’t like offering advise to people I have not met or not know personally but this situation is dreadful and as usual, it’s often the woman left stranded with a family to care for alone.

Get advise, financially sort yourself out so you’re covered and LTB - next week! God only knows what he might get up to in Germany ! Sorry to say that but if he’s prepared to leave you for 12 weeks maybe more and your marriage is already faltering - he may take advantage of everything Germany has to offer.

There may be another reason he is not answering your questions- like someone else has suggested- something secret may be going on. I know I sound suspicious, but his behaviour most certainly is! He is not being honest with you and by freezing you out of very important decisions, he is feeezing himself out of the marriage.

Please look after yourself and your DD. Good luck OP, I will be thinking if you in my thoughts and prayers. Keep strong, don’t let him win.

Find a loving, decent caring man who wants you and loves you. Don’t put up with being used. Get out and start again if you have to but don’t accept being treated badly or unfairly.

I know that you might want to stay because of your daughter and your home stability etc; but if you do, at least make sure you are financially organised and prepared. Know your rights too.

He will do this again and hurt you again. Sending you flowers and hugs x

Wow, this is incredible. He’s really blindsided you. Get copies of everything NOW. RIGHT NOW. Bank statements, passport, ID cards, income details, contract copy... everything.

The fact he’s seemingly unbothered about the impact on your DD is very worrying.

Solicitor tomorrow. Seriously, please protect yourself and take advice. He is abandoning you.

Maybe put his passport somewhere safe until he's ready to talk to you properly?