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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

HE TOOK THIS JOB WITHOUT EVEN DISCUSSING IT WITH ME

128 replies

hungryhippo90 · 31/05/2018 17:56

To be fair, our marriage is in trouble, to be fair, I didn’t quite see us staying together much longer, but I’ve been trying, and so has he.

We spent much of this week on training together- we have a small business which we are both directors of.

We finished our training, got home, he went to the living room, he’s on the phone. He gets off, I ask, new contract? What’s that?

He’d arranged to start a contract in Germany on Monday.

As Just above and I have to write this again because I’m fucking dumbfounded. He leaves on Monday.
He isn’t 100% on the details as he’s waiting for his contract to come through, but he is going on Monday. No discussion.

Please someone tell me I’m not being U to believe that this is the end of our marriage?

It’s not a discussion that’s anything to do with me as his wife, or business partner, and seemingly no concern to him that we have a child who’s life he’s just disappearing from?! He seems to just think he’s going for a few months work.

I am so hurt.

OP posts:
RomeoBunny · 01/06/2018 19:37

Ask him what size suitcase does DD need as there is no fucking way you're being left as a sole parent because he wants to fuck off on essentially a work jolly.

lifebegins50 · 01/06/2018 20:01

Ex did this with a jon that meant my life would have to change, zero discussion as it was about his ego.It took me a further 5 years to separate however..

timeisnotaline · 01/06/2018 20:08

I’d say it’s up to him but if he goes the relationship is over.

Motoko · 01/06/2018 20:09

OP what happened about that job you were offered, that you posted about here? Did you accept it? Because he seemed to be trying to sabotage you then, with "forgetting" to pick DD up from nursery.

It would seem that this is another attempt to sabotage you. After your last thread about him, I strongly suggest you leave, he has no respect for you. Let him fuck off to Germany, and while he's away, leave him.

AnathemaPulsifer · 01/06/2018 20:19

Is there any way you could contact the client of the unfinished contract, apologise and offer to finish the work?

timeisnotaline · 01/06/2018 20:21

Yes re finishing the other contract, or is there any way you can cancel the new one? Does your role in the business give you any input?? I’d happily cancel his new contract and say to him I thought you made it clear we make unilateral decisions as we see best now. It’s not like pissing off a random customer in Germany will cause you reputational issues.

Original poster
hungryhippo90 · 01/06/2018 21:43

Mokoto- I didn’t in the end, I met with the directors and didn’t think it would be the place for me, but I’ve still been looking to find somewhere, I wasn’t feeling like I had to jump straight at the opportunity if it wasn’t right, he was trying very to sabotage, but i didn’t allow him the biggest influence in my actions- I also just want to point out it was after school club she wasn’t picked up from- she’s 10 (promise I’m not being an arse but she’s significantly older)

Today I have been told by DD I’m not being nice to her dad, and she took his side because he’s told her she can visit Germany in the weekends. Little does she know what a shit he is, and his work schedule apparently will allow him to come back twice per month and he’s gonna be in digs so no chance she can go visit. He’s such a fucker.

I will be looking for employed roles so the business can be shut down, but I don’t know if it’ll just be easier to resign and leave him with that shit show going forward.

I’m still not even thinking straight. I still love him. I do. But I have to be a bit mercenary and get on with it. He’s always been the problem in our marriage which I know sounds like shit, but it’s always him who’s brought the shit to our door and now my daughter thinks it’s my fault he’s going. I want to tell her (but I won’t, it would be awful in reality) that her dads an irresponsible twat he didn’t give either of us a thought when he was planning his relocation. This hurts so much

OP posts:
OliviaBenson · 02/06/2018 05:45

Him using your daughter to justify his actions is extremely low and worrying. I'd be raging at him for that, especially if he's lying about her being able to visit.

Have you been able to properly discuss this yet? I think you need to accept that your marriage is over.

KataraJean · 02/06/2018 06:11

Your DD is ten. What she needs is reassurance that her day to day life will not change, she will still go to school and do the things she enjoys. I think it is fine to say to her 'no, dear, travelling to Germany is not a real option at the weekends, as your father will not have his own flat and you will still be at school Monday to Friday and be doing your normal activities at the weekend. You will be able to Skype/Facetime with your dad whilst he is away'. You can even say tell her that you are not sure why her father is saying anything different, he must be wanting to see her, but it won't be possible, apart from when he is able to come back to visit at weekends.

None of that is bad-mouthing her father, but managing her expectations. It is also fine to tell her not to get involved because it is not appropriate. You are the adult, so you are the one to set boundaries. It is also fine to say that none of this is your choice, but it is what her father wanted to do for his job, your concern is making sure that things work day to day at home, it won't help if you and she argue about it. Your DD is blaming you because she can, because you are the one who will be there, and who is not going - if that makes sense. But you are not doing her any favours by taking that on board, there are kind ways to set that straight whilst reassuring her that her life will not change.

I am a single parent, and I have been through the irresponsible man scenario, so I am maybe a bit more sanguine about this than you are because you are in the midst of hurt. He wants to go, this means you have space to sort things out for you without him trying to sabotage them. It hurts, of course it does, but at the end of the day, he is taking the risk leaving his family that it won't look the same when he comes back. Take a deep breath, roll up your sleeves and start making things look how you want them to in his absence. It is an opportunity in some ways.

Courage Flowers

mathanxiety · 02/06/2018 06:13

So he has taken the unilateral decision to talk to your DD about all of this too?

You need to stop loving this worthless piece of human garbage today, now.

You need to sit DD down and explain that you will be divorcing and making decisions in her best interests and with practicality in mind too, and not disrupting her home life and school life, friendships, interests, etc.

Assure her none of this is her fault and that you will protect her as best you can from fallout. (That's you singular, not plural "As your mother, I will protect you...")

mathanxiety · 02/06/2018 06:15

Don't let him dump shit on your daughter's doorstep.

And EVERYTHING KataraJean said.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/06/2018 06:33

He said you wouldn’t go if you asked him not to. So then you asked him not to and he bad mouthed you to your dd, is that correct? I assume it is. In any case he’s a prize wanker. I’m sorry you still love him. Hopefully that will be quickly rectified.

As for your dd going to visit him, I imagine he does have the possibility to stay at a hotel with her for a couple of nights. I would leave him to it tbh and not tell your dd she can’t visit. Let her see for herself whether he comes up with the goods before you write him off as a totally useless father - which I know he pretty much is from your other thread. But your dd needs to find out for herself and have you as back up to pick up the pieces.

My dd is the same age and I’d be saying to your her that it’s grown up stuff and complicated. That her daddy agreed to this move without discussing it with me and this decision is making things pretty difficult for me.

What are your family values? For me it is important that as a family, we should talk about things, not just tell the other person stuff (ie instill expected behaviours in our children as they move into adulthood). I’d approach it as not that you don’t want him to go. It’s that it’s really unexpected and there’s a lot of work things to organise that can’t get done in time and you’re sad because he didn’t talk to you first.

Ffs. Manchild.

differentnameforthis · 02/06/2018 06:47

I agree with KataraJean too.
You need to manage your dd's expectations before he leaves, so she jnderstands that it isn't YOU stopinb her from seeing him.
It isn't going to be easy for her, and he shoukd have to explain it to her

ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 02/06/2018 06:53

I've been following the thread, OP Flowers.

It's going to be such a tough weekend for you, and I know that's just the start, but you sound amazingly together. (I realise that mn posts can be deceptive, though, and there must be times where you feel winded and in a haze of confusion, hurt and anger.)

I agree with being a little more open with your daughter - what MummyofLittleDragon says seems like a kind way of shedding a little light on the situation for her.

As if he's not shitty enough already - it seems he's now trying to manipulate the situation with your DD.

Someone upthread said that your DD is angry & is taking sides with DH and not you, as you're not the one leaving. This makes sense. It must be utterly bewildering for her too, but of course to her, he's trying to paint it as "I'm going to Germany for the family to earn some extra money," almost like a hero, with meany Mum putting a big downer on it all and making it difficult for poor Dad This is almost the worst bit IMHO, and that's saying something when you look at the whole shitty picture of what's he done, which beggars belief.

It's so obvious that it doesn't need saying, but I will anyway - he is not worthy of you or your daughter. I have no advice really, but was just wanted to say I wish you all the best of luck going forward.

nursy1 · 02/06/2018 07:06

It sounds to me that, in his head, you are already separated.

AjasLipstick · 02/06/2018 07:24

BitOutOfPractice you said in the end, it'll be the end of your relationship (even if it was good already)

Which excuse me, but is utter bollocks. My DH and I have both spent time working abroad and apart but we're absolutely fine! Our stints were 10 years ago....and whilst we've not done it again, it never affected us at all and we had children at the time too.

OP it could be a "good" thing you know. Time apart could make things clearer for you both.

nursy1 · 02/06/2018 07:27

lipstick
But surely you discussed it first? I think this is the problem, not working away

AjasLipstick · 02/06/2018 07:51

Well yes...that's true! But I still don't see why it would indicate the end of a relationship automatically! Anything can change or be saved if both parties tried.

SoaringSwallow · 02/06/2018 07:52

Ajas but I'm assuming you didn't just give the other four day's notice before up and leaving? You weren't jointly responsible for a child and a company? Loads of people work apart from their families. They don't make a unilateral decision, with no discussion, and give only a few days notice though.

rainbowstardrops · 02/06/2018 08:05

KataraJean has it spot on I think.
He's an absolute arse for making this huge decision alone and an even bigger arse for misleading your DD.
Have you actually sat down with him and properly thrashed this out?

MsJaneAusten · 02/06/2018 08:11

Lipstick, it’s not the working my abroad that’s the problem, it’s the lack of discussion, the unrealistic expectations for DD and the feeling that he’s checked out if the relationship.

OP, you sound brilliant. He sounds like an absolute loser. I liked the advice of a PP. Let him go, use the time to get your ducks in s row, serve divorce papers. You don’t love him, you love who he could be (or maybe has been). His recent behaviour is not lovable.

Frouby · 02/06/2018 08:28

OP I replied to your previous thread.

We are in the same industry, same business set up (or very similar anyway) and also have dcs.

DH would and has worked abroad. And would do again. The working away isn't the issue.

The issue is he would only consider it if there were no opportunities here. Or if the opportunity abroad was significantly better than here. He won't work away without it paying more. Because he wants to be at home with us.

Your DH has reasons for not wanting to be at home. You need to have a good think about your relationship. So sorry.

daisychain01 · 02/06/2018 08:30

So he manipulates DD against you.

He doesn't consult you about the German contract and makes the decision to leave the country in a matter of days. Bear in mind.....He could have been cooking this one up for months even though he's only just broken the news.

He cancelled a half-finished contract without your consent.

You're better off without him. Use this time to consider your options to extricate yourself (legally) from the business and ultimately from the marriage.

You are better off without him Keep telling yourself that.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 02/06/2018 08:54

There are a lot of things wrong with what he did but it mostly stands out to me the fact that he decided to foist upon you being a single parent.

TooTrueToBeGood · 02/06/2018 09:08

Honestly, your marriage is over. No reasonable partner would do what he's done or in the manner he's done it. You need to play smart and fast and do what's best for you and your daughter. Keep him thinking its all cool whilst you get your ducks in a row.

I will be looking for employed roles so the business can be shut down

Employed roles take time to get sorted and you're used to contracting. Why not set up your own Ltd company to allow you to continue contracting without him being associated. It takes literally a few days and costs not a lot (well under £100 quid last time i did it). Ltd co, bank account, new accountant, new email and VAT reg is all you need.