HE TOOK THIS JOB WITHOUT EVEN DISCUSSING IT WITH ME

[hungryhippo90]

To be fair, our marriage is in trouble, to be fair, I didn’t quite see us staying together much longer, but I’ve been trying, and so has he.

We spent much of this week on training together- we have a small business which we are both directors of.

We finished our training, got home, he went to the living room, he’s on the phone. He gets off, I ask, new contract? What’s that?

He’d arranged to start a contract in Germany on Monday.

As Just above and I have to write this again because I’m fucking dumbfounded. He leaves on Monday.
He isn’t 100% on the details as he’s waiting for his contract to come through, but he is going on Monday. No discussion.

Please someone tell me I’m not being U to believe that this is the end of our marriage?

It’s not a discussion that’s anything to do with me as his wife, or business partner, and seemingly no concern to him that we have a child who’s life he’s just disappearing from?! He seems to just think he’s going for a few months work.

I am so hurt.

Yikes!

Get legal advice immediately. You need to protect yourself and your DD. Anyone who would do this in this manner is only looking after himself, which is especially shocking when he has a young child with you.

Well presumably of he could go on Monday you currently have no work for the company. Is he worried about money?

We are both contractors and work away regularly. Working abroad for 12 weeks would then let us have 3 months at home for example.

I don't think going away is an issue, but not discussing it is. You need to separate the business from the personal in your thinking. Lots of contractors do foreigners.

Have you a personal bank account of your own? I think the first thing you need to do is transfer a good chunk of funds from the business into an account he can't touch, otherwise you risk him simply taking all the money and vanishing. He is demonstrating very clearly that, as far as he is concerned, you and DC are not really people: you are props in the amazing drama that is His Life and can therefore be put back in a box, or even discarded, when he fancies doing something new.
And seek legal advice tomorrow. You need to secure things against him abandoning you and stealing your share of the business assets.

I think the first thing you need to do is transfer a good chunk of funds from the business into an account he can't touch, otherwise you risk him simply taking all the money and vanishing.

You cannot do that. If it is limited company that is probably illegal (unless you are a director, it is also an agreed loan and the company has adequate reserves) and you may be barred from being a director or prosecuted. Please don't taken financial advice from internet posters.

Ask him about childcare in Germany and begin packing child’s suitcase- you know he has no intention of taking child so call his bluff.

Is it possible this temporary job could be a good financial move?
I really need more info before I weigh in on if this is or isn’t reasonable.
What are your personal and business finances like? Just scraping by or top 10% of the population type income?

What a complete shit. You must be reeling, OP.

DP and his ex had 2 businesses together. When they split up, she changed all the passwords on the business accounts and removed him as a director from both of them. Don't know how she did the latter, or if it's even legal, but that's what she did.

Of course, I'm sure you wouldn't dream of doing anything that mean.

I agree call his bluff and tell him he has to take DD for the first half (not that you will let him)
Just see what he says. Arsehole!

Sorry trying to keep up, we’re in construction management
He is still technically tied into a contract for the next few weeks,
Things are ok financially- fairly new business but have been doing this for years if it makes any sense! Only went limited about a year ago, things have maybe not been as easy recently in a financial sense because we’ve had a lot of outlay, recently spent £2000 on training, replaced broken ford windscreen last week, he’s had a couple of days off here n there (now I know why!) plus hotel costs associated with training)
The business accounts have been getting quite low, but seeing as were labour only our reserves don’t have to be huge if that makes any sense. And they soon shoot back up, with our running costs and wage taking up about 30% of what is made from most of our usual activities.

We’re not talking about huge, but we are a Limited company so some responsibility goes hand in hand with having the business as we are directors.

We’re in construction FWIW. It just seems very much like the time for him to go, I’ve recently completed training which means I can handle projects on my own, which seems a funny one.

He’s started to talk a bit, he says that he thought it would be interesting, and why would it change anything? It’s a job.

He has never looked this far before, and to be honest we have 20 sites within about 2 miles of our house, we live in an area where there is A LOT of work going on, he has opportunities on our doorstep. He will also be leaving part way through a contract.

I’m sorry my heads a mess.

He’s now saying that he won’t go if I don’t want him to. I’m so hurt, but there’s no way I can beg him to stay, or even allow him to think that’s what I want. I can’t ask him to.
He wants to go, otherwise he wouldn’t have made the decision he was going.

He’s now saying that he won’t go if I don’t want him to.

Ok, so tell him that you don't want to go. It will buy you some time. Be smart.

Na fuck that id be telling him not to go. Do you think hes testing you to see how much you will fight to keep him with you or whether you are willing to just let him go knowing the relationships likely over?

No way would I let my dh walk away from our business and daughter here when its not needed and theres enough work and leave you to juggle everything all alone..id flip it back on him that if he does go your relationships likely over so the ball is in his court to show whats his priority.

Aren't you the OP who got a qualification, had an interview for a job, and posted asking if you should accept the job offer, because husband didn't want you to take it, because he'd worked for that company?

The unanimous replies said you should take the job, and you said you would. Did you take it in the end?

The reason I ask, is that if you did, what happens to the business while he's out of the country? Could he be doing this to make you leave your new job?

Tell him not to go - what's going to happen to the contract you're in the middle of?

Is it paying more than he would get in the UK?

TBH I don't see the going to work in Germany an issue- it is what you do when you contract but the way it was done is not good.

It is unbelievably dismissive of your feelings and needs for him to just take a job like that. Leaving you as sole carer of a young child for 3 months is not a small ask. It's just bizarre.

DH is a freelancer and he's always discussed with me the logistics of how I might manage when he's even thinking of applying for jobs that involved being abroad for more than a few days a month.

In your position, I know you say things have not been good, I would straight up ask 'Is this a way of getting away from me and DC for a bit? Because if so, you at least owe me being honest about it... and is it because you can't take it or because you are hoping some space will improve things?'

Nope. You need to make sure serious plans to protect you and your daughter, your money etc.
He’s clever. You need to be cleverererer.

You must feel awful OP, what an absolute kick in the bollocks.
Do you still love him?

Why would it change anything?!?! Is he for real?!

It would change everything! Because with no warning or consideration or discussion, he thought it was ok to dump everything to do with your home, your business and your daughter ON YOU! You were being told effectively that you had to be a single parent and be responsible for everything 24/7, with no breaks, so he could piss off and do something else, far away, because he 'wanted' to.

Oh, and now you can be the big meanie who says 'no'.

You're married to an asshole.

You’ve every right to be hurt & furious.

I’ve been where you are (except no child). I didn’t have MN in those days and I just did what I thought was best.

However, what I would do now, after having been thoroughly shafted by my EX is this...

• Encourage him to go.

• Use the time to build up contracts in YOUR name and in a separate company to your joint one. Get as much of the business in your name as you can.

Get your personal finances in order - see where you are at. Work out where you want to live with DD (in the house you are in, buy another one, rent etc) and go and see a Solicitor.

When YOU are organised, preferably while he’s still in Germany, get your Solicitor to send him the Divorce papers.

Don’t waste time & don’t waste any more of your life in this relationship, which you already knew was doomed and he has now confirmed.

Be strong, you won’t regret it.

Your husband is a sneak and a coward.

As pps have said, watch your back and sort your stuff out asap.

If he can do this behind your back, who knows what else he is capable of?

According to him he will be paid about the same when in Germany- less if what he says is right about no entitlement to get money towards food costs which most contractors away from home seem to get here.

He has cancelled the contract that he hasn’t finished- which is a shame because it’s sonryhing I could have taken on, and that would have been quite helpful.
Bank accounts have been checked today, he’s been quite smart in the way he’s done things.

I can’t see it any other way than a HUGE betrayal, everything is done on a joint basis for the business usually as he doesn’t tend to make very good decisions. He wanted my input.

There’s no way I can see this as anything other than a huge betrayal. He met me with a struggling business where he was doing the work. I helped him run that business so it was actually making money, when that went wrong- he made a crap decision that meant that was the only way. He went bankrupt, I cannot start to tell how hard this was on me, let’s just say that he took the piss massively. He was discharged from BR, and he wanted this business to be a fresh start.
Just under a year in, and he’s off. I was ok when things were shit. I was ok to be pinned with the shit, but what now he’s able to earn better, have better he’s just fucking off.

If it was for “us” he would have discussed it. If it was for “us” he would have allowed me to continue this contract- we’re both able to work on it, I’ve worked as cover for him for this company.

I’m too angry with him to say it’s alright, but Hopefully I can calm down, and he can go thinking things are ok.

I need to see the accountant, see what can be done. I’ve called around for solicitors will try more next week.

He has been told that the company will be paid for his work, they will only pay through the limited company so that’s fairly positive as he can’t cut me out AFAIk. Accountant can advise I’m sure?

He is a cowardly,and secretive man it seems.

I think that you are silly to agree to this OP.

Just tell him not to go.

Don't make this harder for yourself.

So he’s abandoned a project half done?? Bet the client loves that and I’m sure that will do wonders for your business reputation

Even if this was a fabulous financial nice and great for the business, he has lied to you, kept secrets from you and not considered you as a partner in an intimate or business sense. He's an absolute bastard. There's no way he'd do that to another business partner, nor would he get away with it. Let him go, accept the relationship is over but say nothing of the sort to him. Use the time he is away to get your ducks in a row legally and financially. I'm so sorry OP I'd be furious and devastated.

Get a sol as quickly as you can.

Is it a limited company?

Who set that up for you?

Set up a personal current account.

You need to dislodge him from the company.

Get the sol to write a non competition clause against him in case he returns and tries to poach business from you.

Any cc bills you may have been unaware of that are about to hit?

Do a credit check on him.