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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel envious of those with more money?

143 replies

crunchymint · 30/05/2018 19:55

Okay I know I am really. Comparison is the thief of joy, and all that. We are okay really. We have enough money for food and the bills, and very cheap day outs. So I know we are already doing better than some people.
BUT nearly all of my friends are better off than me. Not through hard work, but through financial help from families. That is not an option for us, and I do feel envious that they are able to do things we can't, because they have got handouts.
None of this can change, its just life. But how do you deal with these feelings?

OP posts:
RippleEffects · 30/05/2018 20:01

Why can your situation never change? If you wrote a wish list what are your top three things?

Samesituation · 30/05/2018 20:05

OP I feel exactly the same. It's so disheartening isn't it?

hallie29 · 30/05/2018 20:06

It’s tough Flowers

Original poster
crunchymint · 30/05/2018 20:08

To go more holidays
To have my parents move closer to where I live - they won't
To be able to retire early.

I am in my mid fifties. These friends are already talking about retiring early on the back of parental handouts. That is not going to happen to us. We are not going to get any family handouts.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 30/05/2018 20:09

Don't call it 'handouts', OP. Their families can afford to be generous. That's fine. It's a shame you can't afford what they can.

Original poster
crunchymint · 30/05/2018 20:11

Another friend has just bought a big house on the back of a distant Aunt's death. She hadn't seen her for years, so is only vaguely sad she died. But she must have inherited a large sum.
My DP has a very different view and just says he is proud of everything we have achieved. We both come from very poor backgrounds.

OP posts:
19lottie82 · 30/05/2018 20:11

Money doesn’t always equal happiness.
It’s one less stress in life, sure, but it’s not the be all and end all.

Original poster
crunchymint · 30/05/2018 20:11

Pengggywn Handouts was not meant derogatorily. It is what it is - large financial gifts.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 30/05/2018 20:12

Right, but the word - to many - does sound negative.

Fair enough if you don't mean it that way.

mimibunz · 30/05/2018 20:14

It’s not handouts, OP but it’s interesting that you chose to use that word. If I was jealous of my friend’s having more money then I would figure out a way to make more.

Byebyebye · 30/05/2018 20:14

Yeah same. I want to move out of my shitty rented flat in a shit area but I don’t see how any time soon. Can’t seem to land a promotion. Sad times.

FASH84 · 30/05/2018 20:15

So by handouts you mean inheritance. You just sound bitter. DH and I come from low income backgrounds pacts who left school with no qualifications, worked multiple minimum wage jobs when we were kids etc, we studied hard, worked harder and provide well for ourselves. We have a nice home in a naice area, good holidays etc. If you want it go get it.

InDubiousBattle · 30/05/2018 20:15

I struggle with this too op. I hate it about myself but I do feel envious of friends who have had a lot of help, and practically all of my friends have had help, lots of it. Weddings paid for, house deposits, monthly cheques at uni, no rent to pay at home, free childcare......I honestly don't think I know anyone but us who haven't had a penny since turning 18. The other day my friend was given £8k by her mum, her brother had needed bailing out for some reason or other and her mum wanted 'to make it fair'. Eight bloody grand!!

Notcontent · 30/05/2018 20:15

It is tough. And we can’t help but compare ourselves to others. There have been lots of studies that show that people are happiest when those around them have a similar standard of living.

I feel the same way. I am actually reasonably well off (when compared to most people) but i live in London and most of the people I know are much better off - big houses,etc.

FASH84 · 30/05/2018 20:15

*parents

user764329056 · 30/05/2018 20:17

Gave daughter lots of money when I downsized so that she can have a good life, that brings me the greatest joy of all and I can’t relate to parents who hang onto everything for dear life when their kids are going through tough times, that’s what family is about for me and I would do it over and over again if I came into more money

Grumpyoldblonde · 30/05/2018 20:17

Envy is a natural and understandable feeling. I simply don't believe people who say they never feel it.

FASH84 · 30/05/2018 20:17

And OP at your age you've had it a lot easier than our generation in terms of free education, lower housing prices comparitive to income etc. You've had your wins too.

Notveryladylike · 30/05/2018 20:18

I feel like this. A lot of our friends also get hangouts from family which I don't expect from my parents. It sometimes makes me feel proud thpugh that we do it alone, you should feel proud too. I know what you mean though it's just scunnering at times.

Original poster
crunchymint · 30/05/2018 20:18

mimi Yes because it is so easy to just make more isn't it? I could work more hours, but it will still be a drop in the ocean in comparison to friends.
Handouts simply meant money that you have not worked for. So yes it is given to you without any effort on your part.

Byebyebye Yeah I think when I was younger I thought there was lots of time for things to change in the future. And I did training on top of full time work. Just finished another extra qualification and trying to get better paid job, but every job I apply for I get turned down as the successful candidate has ten plus years of doing the job. I think it is tougher now emotionally because I think things are unlikely to change now.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 30/05/2018 20:19

I know money makes things easier, but life is about so much more than money.

Original poster
crunchymint · 30/05/2018 20:21

InDubiousBattle Yes had a friend round for coffee at the weekend. I don't tend to talk about money, but this friend does. She brought up that she had "only" been given £10,000 ever as a gift from her parents. I reminded her that her parents had given her a lump sum for half the cost of her house so she could buy it. She had forgotten!!

OP posts:
RebeccaBunchLawyer · 30/05/2018 20:22

I feel the same as you, OP. I’m in my late 30s, (happily) single, v poor but with parents with long paid-off mortgages who have never offered me a penny towards getting on in life. I don’t know when or if I’ll ever get on to the property ladder, my siblings are the same.

My cousin (same age as me) had a small house bought for her by her parents (albeit in a cheaper part of England, but outright).

I also know a multi-millionaire’s wife who had cancer, threw everything at it- private treatment, you name it- but it came back for her in the end...I can confidently say that she’d have swapped all her riches for better health and not leave her 2 kids without a mum.

But it is hard, I have several friends who have regular handouts from family. If I was consumed with jealousy for each one, I would have to sever each and every friendship (and I have had to cut ties with a couple that I developed envy towards due to their perceived ingratitude).

WittyJack · 30/05/2018 20:22

YABU but I think to some extent it's human nature. I have a wealthy and very generous father and a v good salary, so we know we are incredibly lucky.

But many of my friends have families who are actual millionaires and one friend has an actual billionaire father. Their houses and holidays are incredibly envy-making. And many of the properties where we live are pure house porn. I just tell myself to grow the fuck up and snap out of it - and it works 99% of the time! There will always be someone with more money/talent/looks/whatever than you, after all.

Notveryladylike · 30/05/2018 20:23

Handouts