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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel envious of those with more money?

143 replies

crunchymint · 30/05/2018 19:55

Okay I know I am really. Comparison is the thief of joy, and all that. We are okay really. We have enough money for food and the bills, and very cheap day outs. So I know we are already doing better than some people.
BUT nearly all of my friends are better off than me. Not through hard work, but through financial help from families. That is not an option for us, and I do feel envious that they are able to do things we can't, because they have got handouts.
None of this can change, its just life. But how do you deal with these feelings?

OP posts:
madmomma · 30/05/2018 21:08

Fat sorrow? 🤔

WittyJack · 30/05/2018 21:11

Sorry - the full saying is "fat sorrow is better than lean sorrow", ie pain alleviated slightly by material comforts such as nice food/good wine.

madmomma · 30/05/2018 21:13

Ah yeah. Totally agree.

RippleEffects · 30/05/2018 21:13

It is tough when you feel you have limited options and others have had things just land at their feet. I've become a horribly glass half full person because frankly if I didn't spend lots of energy trying to find the positive and striving for the next thing I'd collapse in an exhausted depressed heap. I was a higher earner then had a disabled child, followed by another baby XH left, found poverty, remarried happy but still not rich but managing, did a whole house renovation built our dream long term home (had another baby) was victim of nasty crime, had to move to new area for sanity - not the greatest area due to cost, baby no.3 now 7 also has additional needs.

So my find the positive here would be where do you want that next holiday to be? What's essential for it to start to scratch the itch? We just booked regional flights to Hamburg in the school Christmas holidays my best web flight find to date £5.68 out for the DC.

We all need things to look forwards too. If you can work out roughly what that next holiday would cost can you then start to find motivation to get the fund going. I'll throw the old eBay/ shpock/ preloved everything not bolted down, I've done this for a few years and it takes time and energy but the money for selling your old stuff can possibly add up to a few treats. Another popular one is bank account swapping swap every few months can be £100 upwards a time.

We, DH and I, are really bad at making time to do nice things together - so many child dependancies and our three are not easy to look after. We've just got a Groupon for a two course meal and glass of wine at lunchtime in a local restaurant £12 for the two of us.

Have you ever considered taking three months/ six months off and doing something like travelling? If retirement still seams a long way off would you be able to wangle a longer period of leave to be yourselves and take stock of life?

I know it's probably more tea and sympathy you're after but just maybe there are other possibilities too.

bringbacksideburns · 30/05/2018 21:14

We can try to be as altruistic as possible but Yes, I get it.

You ask how to cope with the feelings?

I was walking through Town earlier after working hard all day and passed the swanky boutique Hotel and the glam restaurants and designer shops I never go in and found myself thinking, yet again about how nice it must be to have the income of a 'Real housewife' type. Not because I'm ridiculously materialistic and need a £500 bag or diamonds, but more how nice it must feel to know you have spending money to cheer yourself up or go on Hols or a mini break without worrying and not having to graft full time. And then I passed the homeless person.

I have been lucky enough to benefit from free holidays in the past and will be helped probably in the future so I'm guilty of family help yes.
But as someone on here has already said there will always be someone better off than you and someone worse off.
I suppose you have to keep it in perspective.
Life can be hard work but my god, some people have a shit life. Far worse than mine for all it's negatives.

You have to keep positive.

Ivygarden · 30/05/2018 21:14

My HB inherited money from his late father. People seem to think that we are really fortunate etc and while I’m really grateful, I think you have to be gifted a substantial sum of money for it actually to make much difference.

applesandpears56 · 30/05/2018 21:19

Some of the richest people in the country grew up with not very much - Cheryl Cole, Richard Ransom etc

Money doesn’t equal love. Many super rich were raised by nannies and packed off to boarding school

Yes it’s easy to be jealous but you have to stop comparing yourself - you’ll always find people in a better position if you look. Try and be happy with what you’ve got

Go camping for holidays or caravan - it doesn’t have to cost a lot

Teggun · 30/05/2018 21:20

OP I understand. There have been a number of challenges in my life I would rather not have faced but you don't get a choice do you? However I am constantly award that having adequate finances has helped make them significantly more bearable. My parents helped me and my siblings get onto the property ladder many years ago and I will always be immensely grateful. I don't take it for granted ever and understand why if feels 'unfair'

Teggun · 30/05/2018 21:21

Constantly aware not award

Sprinklesinmyelbow · 30/05/2018 21:24

I think, and I mean this in the nicest possible way, that this is just the way life goes sometimes. It’s not always what you imagine or desire. But life is full of ups and downs and who knows what’s round the corner, for you or your friends?

NotUmbongoUnchained · 30/05/2018 21:25

Any chance of retraining?
I was a skint, single mum on income support, having just escaped serious domestic violence and unable to eat so I could buy formula for my kid.

Now I earn 90k plus.
It’s scary but it’s doable. I kicked my ass through uni to do it.

Stinkywink · 30/05/2018 21:26

"Retrain to earn more money" MN's favourite response! 😂😫

SandyY2K · 30/05/2018 21:27

There will always be people better off than you...and many worse off too.

NotUmbongoUnchained · 30/05/2018 21:27

Well what do you suggest stinky

Doing something about it or carrying on moaning about it?

Sprinklesinmyelbow · 30/05/2018 21:28

It wasn’t uni that got you £90k though unchained, everyones* been to uni. You either have a special skill or much further training which probably isn’t relevant to OP?

*not literally everyone but you know, most people

applesandpears56 · 30/05/2018 21:28

Well stinky that is because a well paid job is the easiest way to get more money!
It’s not all about education - roles such as plumbers, tube drivers can earn buckets for a relatively short training period

NotUmbongoUnchained · 30/05/2018 21:29

Of course it was. I didn’t know anything about engineering when I signed up for my access course. All I knew was that it paid me what I wanted to be paid.

Stinkywink · 30/05/2018 21:30

As if that's easy! What about the money/time/childcare/ability/intelligence needed to terrain to earn £90k?

Maverick66 · 30/05/2018 21:30

You are not being unreasonable OP.

Dh worked hard from he was 16. Built up his own successful business (construction) .
We lost everything except our home in the credit crunch.
Dh's family bailed us out so we could keep our home now we owe them.

We married young and planned to retire young but hey ho this is how things go and we just have to accept 'our lot'

We have no rich benefactors either.

NotUmbongoUnchained · 30/05/2018 21:30

I didn’t say it was easy. But if you want it, then you make it work.

stayathomer · 30/05/2018 21:31

In answer to your question you have to just learn to count your blessings and enjoy any surprises that come your way and try to be happy that they were lucky enough (not so in terms of inheritance:() I've nothing else for you. I feel bitter when things are very low, and people who say money doesn't matter have never been truly badly off, but health and family will still always be the most important thing. (We're taking our first holiday in eleven years this year and it's due to a loan that we haven't been able to get for years due to a rotten credit rating-I'll totally take it!) Hope something lovely happens to you soon OP

SoftlyCatchyMonkey1 · 30/05/2018 21:31

I know exactly what you mean. I feel like everyone else has had a huge help in life, particularly with house deposits. I've had no financial help.
But then I also feel proud that I've had no financial help...I've managed to make a decent income through smart decisions at the right time and hard work. What is shit however is when people wave their fortune in your face, as people did to me when I was absolutely skint about ten years ago. Or when people say that they got where they are through hard work...when they were gifted 100k or inherited a business.

As the saying goes...life is unfair. But it's unfair in many ways...not just financial. You will enjoy lucky circumstance in ways that others do not. Money cannot buy you health or love.

Thesearepearls · 30/05/2018 21:32

YABU and you know it really.

Sprinklesinmyelbow · 30/05/2018 21:32

Engineering is a hugely wide area but certainly you don’t walk offf an access course and into a £90k job

Stinkywink · 30/05/2018 21:32

You've been very vague Umbomgo. What did you study, how much did it cost, over how long, what job do you have now, where do you live?