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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel envious of those with more money?

143 replies

crunchymint · 30/05/2018 19:55

Okay I know I am really. Comparison is the thief of joy, and all that. We are okay really. We have enough money for food and the bills, and very cheap day outs. So I know we are already doing better than some people.
BUT nearly all of my friends are better off than me. Not through hard work, but through financial help from families. That is not an option for us, and I do feel envious that they are able to do things we can't, because they have got handouts.
None of this can change, its just life. But how do you deal with these feelings?

OP posts:
StormcloakNord · 30/05/2018 21:33

I've been on the receiving end of said envy and it's really not nice.

I spent my whole adult life scrimping, saving, deciding whether to buy fuel for the car or gas for the house etc. DD'S dad had enough of the stress and upped and left - so I was heartbroken AND penniless. By a stroke of luck I meet DP, fall in love yadda yadda and it turns out he has a large inheritance to spend on a beautiful house for the 3 of us.

I did the struggling, and by pure chance/luck I meet someone with money but because of all this lost a friend due to sheer envy. She made sarcastic comments when I talked about house hunting and refused to talk about my life with DP, and was very rude to him any time she saw him. It sucked losing a friend because of sheer luck but it wasn't down to me. Envy is natural but when it's that bad it's a really horrible quality in someone.

NotUmbongoUnchained · 30/05/2018 21:34

Obviously I did the degree after the access course 🙄.

Sprinklesinmyelbow · 30/05/2018 21:38

But my original point was- you didn’t walk
Into a £90k job after the degree either did you? Grin

I earn similar. After my degree (Christ that’s nothing. Basically like having GCSEs, 10 a penny) I did an extremely expensive post graduate qualification (£20k ish 10 years ago) for which I was sponsered. I have increased my wages to similar levels in the following 10 years of work experience.l and increased seniority.

I am not going to suggest Op can do it because I did. She doesnt have time, probably doesn’t have £20k, and with all due respect to her, might not be capable of it. If it were that easy everyone would do it

Runninglateeveryday · 30/05/2018 21:38

I hear you , I work at least 60 hours a week and once I've paid my bills there is nothing left. I know I'm more fortunate than I was as previously my outgoing were 400 more than incoming so at least I can pay them now.

I do often have a post pay day sulk when I look at my bank account and wish I could book a holiday or buy a new top!

NotUmbongoUnchained · 30/05/2018 21:40

Hence why I said RETRAINING.

Mrsmadevans · 30/05/2018 21:41

I was left money from a loved one and we went to open a new savings account to put the money in and the young lady seeing to us said 'oh you are so lucky l would love to be left this'. I said to her 'yes it is very nice but you have to lose someone you love ' . We took flowers to her grave today and my DH asked if l wanted to pass her home and l still cannot bring myself to go pass it, l miss her so much she treated and loved me better than anyone else my whole life .So yes it is lovely to be left money but money really isn't the end all. You sound as if you are in a great marriage OP and have a good life . Don't measure your life up against those you think are better off, you may be surprised what goes on behind closed doors. Be happy with your lot is my advice, Good Luck .

Foslady · 30/05/2018 21:44

Totally get it OP - tried over and over to better my lot and got knocked back every time. Now I know I’ll be working until forever when everyone else is getting mortgage free on their far newer and bigger homes than me, with foreign holidays to god knows where.
I grit my teeth, talk myself out of bed in the morning to go to my shit pay job and remind myself I can do this - after all I have bugger all options......

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 30/05/2018 21:48

* No one to thank but ourselves

How smug.*

Sorry, don’t feel smug... just arguing against the assumption that it’s only possible with help.

#BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou do you truly believe that you've become mortgage free in your 40s with 'no help'? You, like me, would have benefited from either low uni debt or being able to get a decent job without a degree, plus a housing market that was still high but nothing like as insane as it has become.

But OP said it was impossible without handouts or inheritance. I did it by working three jobs at one point. I bought in 1988.....just before the value of my house plummeted.... didn’t go to uni, with no family support I couldn’t afford it....

I do agree that the housing market is absolutely insane though.

tolerable · 30/05/2018 21:52

Yes,yabu. ..mostly cos its a total waste of emotion/headspace. Count your own blessings -sounds like you do have them. if continues to bother you could try "giving" whether charity clothes collection, donation or some sorta community help thing-it feels much nicer .really

Mrsmadevans · 30/05/2018 21:53

Tolerable you are so right . You get back so much more than you give .

winterisstillcoming · 30/05/2018 21:55

While there's absolutely nothing wrong about wanting to work hard and earn more money to improve your life, you shouldn't do it because you envy other people.

If your thread was about ' I really admire my friends for what they have achieved and I am inspired by them, o want the same' then yes, career change etc etc.

I suspect that you were perfectly happy until you found out that people had been given money. You should therefore be reassured that it's not down to your circumstances that you are in your situation, more that they on theirs because they got lucky.

Start the lottery I'd say.

codswallopandbalderdash · 30/05/2018 21:59

We are OK financially We were more comfortably off before DC / me going part time. My parents help out - think buying a pair of trousers / t-shirt for DS. We are going on our first holiday in 5 years this summer - UK self-catering. But i don't waste my energy comparing my situation to other friends who have had much more help from families / inheritance. I am proud that we have looked after ourselves and manage. And DC are learning the value of ££.

CheeseyToast · 30/05/2018 22:02

I genuinely do not relate to this. I feel the problem is with your attitude. There will always, always be folk better off - and worse off.

Try to focus on what you have rather than what others have.

Almost all my friends are rich and I can't keep track of the flash trips and outings they have. But they are my friends, lovely people, who don't sneer at me for being poorer than them any more than I'd sneer at them for being well off. None of that stuff matters when you're real friends.

LyricalGangster · 30/05/2018 22:03

I am an only child. By the time i was 22 i had no surviving immediate family. My mum died when i was 5, my grandparents died between when i was 9-17, my dad died when i was 22. So yeah, i had a huge pile of money but very little support network to help me through early adulthood. Yes, I'm fortunate in that i could buy a house out right but guess what I'd rather have....

I think there are people who view my financial situation with envy, but equally the few people who know about my childhood view me with pity instead.

Mrsmadevans · 30/05/2018 22:07

I am so sorry Lyrical that must have been/is still l am sure, really tough.
Flowers

Emily7708 · 30/05/2018 22:08

It always annoys me when people come on threads like this and say yes I did get a large inheritance but I’d much rather the person was still alive. Everyone is affected by bereavement and wishes their relatives were still alive but a lot of people haven’t received a penny from it!

Mrsmadevans · 30/05/2018 22:11

and your point is Emily ?

Emily7708 · 30/05/2018 22:11

Cross posted with Lyrical, that wasn’t aimed at you. Very sorry for your losses.

flowercrow · 30/05/2018 22:12

None of this can change, its just life. But how do you deal with these feelings?

I felt a bit envious reading the thread earlier about being skint on £70k. My weekly income is £125. I am disabled and will never be able to work.
None of this can change, its just life. But how do you deal with these feelings?
Then I went to do the washing up and felt grateful that I can afford hot water to do so and am lucky not to need a food bank. I'm not being sanctimonious, I used to write gratitude lists and they really helped me.
I read somewhere that it is not poverty that makes people envious, it is relative poverty. So if your friends are better off than you, you are more likely to be unhappy.
I live in a very poor area and most people I know are poor so that makes it seem more normal, I guess.
When my mum dies, I may inherit enough to buy a tiny cottage. I may not. But I would rather have my mum alive any day.

LyricalGangster · 30/05/2018 22:17

Sorry to have annoyed you @Emily7708 Hmm

I think it's easy to look at people and feel envy at their financial help received but often their life is not as rosy as one would imagine. Yes, having financial stability gifted through inheritance certainly does make life easier in some ways but the op mentioned she is in her 50s and her parents are still alive - this is something i could waste pointless time pondering on and feeling envious but i know it won't change my life for the better dwelling on it.

Mrsmadevans · 30/05/2018 22:17

@Flowercrow Flowers

DarkDarkNight · 30/05/2018 22:18

I know where you are coming from. I’m a single mother with a low paid job. I have anxiety and sometimes can’t see a way out. The idea of doing a job with more responsibility and more pay feels crushingly out of reach to me.

The vast majority of people I know are part of a couple and therefore have a double income. Every month is just treading water for me. I am paying more out in rent than others are paying for a mortgage, I have nothing left to save. I have major envy, I know it is not good for me but I can’t help but compare.

PurpleTigerLove · 30/05/2018 22:19

I have never received money from my parents . My husband has received substantial assets from his parents . We hope to pass it on to our children . Some people plan for the weekend someplan for the next generation.......

PurpleTigerLove · 30/05/2018 22:21

I have some wealthy friends living in fabulous house last and driving top of the range cars . You need to find happiness in your own situation , envy will eat you up if you let it . Be thankful for what you have and try not to dwell on what you don’t

BrownTurkey · 30/05/2018 22:21

Well, we can look at the people with advantages - wealth, health, good government or genetics - or the people without those advantages, but the truth is we are all in the mix, better off than some, worse off than others, living our own lives on this small blue planet. And perhaps the real advantage is contentment, because there are plenty of kind and happy people despite their circumstances rather than because of them, and nothing will take that from them.

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