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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel envious of those with more money?

143 replies

crunchymint · 30/05/2018 19:55

Okay I know I am really. Comparison is the thief of joy, and all that. We are okay really. We have enough money for food and the bills, and very cheap day outs. So I know we are already doing better than some people.
BUT nearly all of my friends are better off than me. Not through hard work, but through financial help from families. That is not an option for us, and I do feel envious that they are able to do things we can't, because they have got handouts.
None of this can change, its just life. But how do you deal with these feelings?

OP posts:
stayathomer · 30/05/2018 22:25

DarkDarkNight Flowers

Bluntness100 · 30/05/2018 22:27

These feelings only Hurt the people who have them. So you make your life miserable on top of anything else uou need to deal with. It's like self torture. Envy is a horrible emotion.

I also can't relate. I have friends who have more than us, friends who have less, I don't feel envy. Nor do I feel pity, I don't judge people on what they have or how they got it. I suspect that's because I grew up poor as fuck so understand what that feels like and am grateful not to be there as a responsible adult.

I guess what I feel is lucky.

starday · 30/05/2018 22:29

I'm really envious of people who make big life choices to not work hard and then are bailed out by parents !

My best friend made the decision to go back to work at two lower grades and from full time to 2 days a week. Now her two children want to start an expensive hobby £25 each a week that they can't afford but retired parents are offering to pay for both. I know it's none of my business but when my oh works all hours available and I have a good job at 4 days a week I feel sad we don't have anyone to bail us out.

Even my brother has reduced his hours to 3 days of work and his wife left a good job to be a stay at home parent. they often can't afford shoes or clothes for their children or if we plan a family trip out they can't afford entry fees but my parents bail them out and I have found receipts in my parents car for £100 for full school uniform for his children. Again I support their life choices, but when I have to pay for my children's school uniforms on my overdraft, yes I am envious. My sil parents are paying for them all to go on holiday as now they can't afford it.

Emily7708 · 30/05/2018 22:29

@LyricalGangster - please see above, I cross posted and apologised.

I was talking about people who lose their parents at an expected time, a reasonable age, not prematurely.

SluttyButty · 30/05/2018 22:31

We’re comfortable financially but it doesn’t equate to a perfect life. I have autoimmune diseases that dan make me quite poorly so days out don’t work, son is ASD and refuses to leave the house a lot, daughter has variable health so Aldo stays home a lot.
Money hasn’t made our lives better or easier other than to afford stuff on the house to make things easier.

AnnabelleLecter · 30/05/2018 22:39

In our circle of friends and family there are some really rich people and some not as well off as us. Some of the wealthiest have had help, some haven't. A few of them live in huge mansions.
They are my friends I've never felt envious, I really like these people and they have as much crap to deal with as anyone else.

beguilingeyes · 30/05/2018 22:44

I'm a baby boomer (born in 61) and I know that I've been lucky with house prices /pension etc. Also, I grew up fairly confident that I'd be better off than my parents and much better off than my grandparents. I think that certainty is gone now..even the hope of it for a lot of people.

Curious2468 · 30/05/2018 22:56

I don’t so much feel envy as annoyance at people who have so much handed to them but seem oblivious to their privalidge. I have friends who moan about lack of family support whilst being handed 10s of thousands, paid for family holidays and parents who help with practical stuff like childcare and house maintenance. My mum passed away at 60 and I have no relationship with my dad. I must admit I find it hard to be a sympathetic shoulder when they start.

flowercrow · 30/05/2018 22:59

Curious2468 what other support are they wanting??

flowercrow · 30/05/2018 23:02

Mrs Madevans thank you!

Curious2468 · 30/05/2018 23:07

Flowercrow - good question! I guess more help day to day with regards to childcare maybe? I find it mind boggling as I don’t have any support at all. I love this friend dearly but I think she has no concept of how privalidged her upbringing has been. I try to remember this when I feel envious though because it’s evident that an easier life doesn’t automatically mean a happier one and finding contentment with ones lot is a far better goal to aim for.

Namethecat · 30/05/2018 23:09

Surely you have to define ' more ' money. If someone is in debt, hardly any food in the cupboard and always waiting on the next month's pay to see them through. Then them suddenly getting £1000 would be more money. Or if someone had £200,000 in the bank, no mortgage or rent to pay but that amount just sat there not doing anything with. Does that make them rich ?

Original poster
crunchymint · 31/05/2018 00:22

Just to say, I have things in my life that I know are great. But we too have had our shares of problems, as have many other people. One of my brothers died young of cancer, I was a carer for another relative who died and my DP has genetic health problems. But sadly I think few people get to my age without dealing with close bereavement and health issues.
I do get that I am lucky to still have my parents alive. My dad does have dementia though.

I know that I am better off than some people though, both financially and in my life. So I know I do have blessings to count. It is though really that in spite of the extra training I have paid for and done, and the hard work both myself and DP have put in, that we will never have the resources of people I know who have worked far less hard, but have been given money.

Also I dont care about stuff. Money though gives you choices. Whether being able to retire early, work part time, or have more choice about where you live. I think that is what people with money often don't get. Its not about designer handbags or clothes or stuff for the house, it is about choices.

I guess though I just need to focus on the good stuff I have. I do remember hearing a speaker talking about money and saying how much money would you accept to give up various things you have - like your children, or a good marriage. And yes some things are priceless.

OP posts:
hollyholightly · 31/05/2018 00:25

There is a hell of a lot of people with less than here are people with more than you in this world.

RedForFilth · 31/05/2018 06:49

Some people plan for the weekend someplan for the next generation....... Some people are trapped in a cycle of poverty though. Some people can't retrain because some people aren't intelligent etc. And it's a nice idea to save for your kids but with an aging population it's increasingly likely the money will be spent on care.

NeverTwerkNaked · 31/05/2018 07:46

I get what you are saying Op. its a brutual shock to realise that you can work very hard but some people will be “given” more than you could save from an entire lifetime of hard work.
Many of my friends were given substantial house deposits then patronised me about renting like they were somehow better than me, but I was working very hard to save up a deposit with no help.

My colleague and I both work incredibly hard, we’re both very good at our jobs, but she’s had a £400K gift from her dad, with much more to come later. She could leave the job at any time, and that’s a huge stress off her shoulders.

I struggled a bit in my twenties with the realisation that many of my peers were shooting ahead of me (despite me working harder and earning more) due to huge parental gifts. But I have made my peace with it now. I feel proud that everything I have was through my own hard work.

SweetCheeks1980 · 31/05/2018 07:58

I think that it's perfectly reasonable to be envious of people with more money. I'm envious of people who have homes in the middle of nowhere, because I'd love a place I could fill with animals without the neighbours moaning.
However, it's not always the envy that causes you to sever ties, it's the people themselves when they use words like "only 10 grand" etc

flowercrow · 31/05/2018 08:01

Curious2468 maybe gently remind her how lucky she is to still have parents? Then she might think of you and your loss.

applesandpears56 · 31/05/2018 08:14

Someone in Africa might see you as rich

hula008 · 31/05/2018 08:23

/Don’t look into your neighbours bowl except to see if they have enough/ is my mantra when I’m feeling like this.

lanbury · 31/05/2018 08:36

I think everyone gets low days when they're struggling and everything gets you down and it appears everyone else is much richer/more fortunate etc . I think you just have to focus on what you have got and what you have achieved. Money doesn't buy everything, but it does help!!

Unfinishedkitchen · 31/05/2018 08:36

Someone in Africa might see you as rich

I’ve known Nigerian multimillionaires who’s kids go to the best schools in the UK. I’m pretty certain they wouldn’t see OP as rich. Not everyone in Africa is a barefoot famine victim. The mega charity’s make it look that way in adverts to tearjerk you into setting up a direct debit.

CornishMaid1 · 31/05/2018 08:46

YANBU, but you have to try not to be envious.

Look at it on the other side - you have what you have because you worked and saved for it. The friends with all they have only have it because they have been given it and will not understand the value of it.

I have known people given money over the years and unless it has been for a deposit on a house the money gets frittered away. They don't learn how to save up and buy things themselves and end up out of touch with the real world, which is going to make things harder for them when they are older and can't get given any more.

As an example I know of someone who doesn't even buy fuel for her car - she drives it to her dad's once a week and he takes it to the garage and buys her petrol for her! When he passes away she is going to be in even more of a difficult position because she is so used to being helped and having parents do things for her that you have been sorting out for yourself.

sandgrown · 31/05/2018 09:03

I grew up quite poor . When I married ex Dh and I had our own business and a great lifestyle. He had an affair and took all our money and paid £10 a week maintenance for two children! I worked two jobs to keep our heads above water and though our house was tatty the kids did not miss out on activities and cheap holidays.
I did manage to build up a decent pension and I have recently given them both some of my lump sum to help with their house deposits. It gives me so.much pleasure to see them getting their own homes
.

Mrsmadevans · 31/05/2018 09:15

'Money though gives you choices. Whether being able to retire early, work part time, or have more choice about where you live. I think that is what people with money often don't get. Its not about designer handbags or clothes or stuff for the house, it is about choices.'
YES ...l totally get this OP.
Inheriting the money from my loved one has allowed me to take early retirement to look after my 88 yr old dad and 86 yr old mum. I see what you are saying.
I miss her so much though. She was the best thing in my life, she was mine, all mine . We were so close.

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