To feel envious of those with more money?

[crunchymint]

Okay I know I am really. Comparison is the thief of joy, and all that. We are okay really. We have enough money for food and the bills, and very cheap day outs. So I know we are already doing better than some people.
BUT nearly all of my friends are better off than me. Not through hard work, but through financial help from families. That is not an option for us, and I do feel envious that they are able to do things we can't, because they have got handouts.
None of this can change, its just life. But how do you deal with these feelings?

Nevertwerk Yes I have a friend who chooses to work part time, but does not have to. That is obviously a much less stressful position to be in.
And I have retrained, but it hasn't actually helped. Employers in the area I have retrained either seem to want to take on very young people, or older people with many years experience. So my plan hasn't worked out.

I am amazed at all these people who quite freely discuss their inheritance/handouts/bail-outs/whatever with friends and acquaintances.

DH and my DCs have been very lucky to have inherited. I would never ever discuss it with friends or my family. I feel too guilty about it. I only have one friend who discusses the ‘holiday fairies’ who pay for all their trips to Disneyworld and their DD’s private school fees, and I generally avoid them.

I know we are fortunate. I know it is undeserved. Volunteering at the Foodbank/community cafe has taught me what real poverty looks like.

It's all relative. My father used the last of his savings on at home dementia care and died just as the last of the money was spent.

I earn what I do in my 50s and am happy to work full time for 20 or 30 years more if I can because of choices I made in my teens and because of other things like luck.

My parents died in their 70s. At least crunchy still has parents who are alive.

we have friends like this - and i agree - its sad but unless you can do something about it - theres no point thinking about it. We have friends who are billionaires, and their lifestyle is insane, they are quite normal people though, just they have houses all over the world and own private jets. There will always be people who are richer than you OP - but in the same vein, people who are a little poorer too. Are you happy within yourself?

Why not channel the energy your spending resenting others and whinging online into changing your own situation?

Some people are more fortunate than others, that's life. Everyone knows life isn't fair.

I get it OP. Until 2 years ago we really struggled financially, despite DP working all the hours he could.

He got a new job which helped, and then my Mum died last year and left us a significant legacy which enabled us to buy a bigger home in a better area.

So aye, I guess to an outsider we look ok financially. Nice house, nice things, holidays (not abroad), not struggling for day to day things. But I fucking hate it when people say “oh aren’t you lucky to have all that”? Lucky? Fucking lucky that my mother died a long, painful, and traumatic death and left us money. I am well aware that we are financially “lucky”, having been on the bones of my arse I very much appreciate the choices and opportunities money affords us. But I’d give every penny back if it meant still having my Mum. Every single bit.

I have quite a lot of friends who have more money than me, including some who are the children of millionaires, received enough inheritance from distant relatives to buy a three bedroom house outright, live at home without paying rent etc. I earn about £17k - not loads, but more than enough to cover my lifestyle as a childless single woman in a cheap area - and had enough help from family to cover my living and course costs at uni until I started full time work, which among my friends puts me somewhere in the middle.

The only person I envy is my best friend, who had a really rough childhood, never took any money from his family and taught himself all the skills he needed to get a government science job that he loves. He 'only' earns about twice what I do, but I truly envy his ability to make the most of his potential and dedicate so much of his life to education and self-improvement, something I've never had the discipline or perseverance to do myself. To me that's worth so much more than the exotic holidays and ability to work part time to follow their creative hobbies that many of my other friends have thanks to money from parents etc, even though those are also things I'd like to do in my fantasy life where I'm a trillionnaire

Not sure that actually answers your question at all OP, but it's another perspective

I am amazed at all these people who quite freely discuss their inheritance/handouts/bail-outs/whatever with friends and acquaintances.

I'm amazed too. It's really not done in the US outside of family and possibly very close friends. The only time I can recall that norm being broken was when a colleague of mine announced that he was retiring in his early 50's. He was in excellent health, made very good money and liked his job. When he saw my surprise he explained that his wife had just inherited enough money that he simply didn't need to work anymore.

Both my mum and my MIL have a bit of money but if they wind up needing care for more than a few years before they pass that will all be gone. I'd rather have them around as they're both great with the kids and lovely people.

Totally agree that it's really annoying when people who are in that position complain about money, though. I have a friend who seems quite bitter that our other friend earns approximately 2k more than her (for an extremely difficult job that IMO he's very underpaid for, having as far as I know never taken money from family after turning 18), even though she fully paid off her mortgage with an inheritance of over 100k and makes about 3k extra a year in passive income as a landlord. I love her dearly but I really do have to bite my tongue hard when she brings it up.

MissConduct, my friends and I don't usually talk openly about those things either, but when someone's taking four months' worth of exotoc holidays/volunteering projects per year while working in a cafe part time, or buying a house outright while still a student, it's not exactly difficult to deduce that they must have had help from somewhere!

My DP is old fashioned about this and thinks it is vulgar to talk about money. But I have friends who tell us their financial details without us asking. They may not say exactly how much they inherit, but will say they have moved from a small terraced house to a large detached house, because of the money they have inherited. Or that they could only afford to buy their house because their parents gave them a very large deposit.

psychomath, I agree, it is obvious in many cases that people have had some kind of windfall. I was just agreeing with a prior poster that it's a bit of a shock when someone you don't know that well just brings it up in conversation.

I feel like this too and it makes me really cross sometimes!

My ex has just found out he will inherit 250k+.

It doesn't Matter how hard I work - I won't ever get that sort of windfall. And I do work hard - for the NHS.

My dream is to live by the sea in a nice house and not work 60 hours a week. I don't see how I can achieve it! And I'm exhausted and getting old!!!

mouse Most of the people I know who have had substantial windfalls have worked less hard than myself and DP. I suspect in some cases because they know they are going to get a big windfall so have went part time at a stage we were working long hours for our future.

Oh well, I have to enjoy and appreciate what I have.

I agree that some posters are missing the point. Of course money doesn't necessarily buy you happiness but what itndoes give you is security. This may be the security that comes with being able to raise your children in a safe area with good schools. The security that comes with owning your home instead of renting. Or the security you get from knowing that if you were unexpectedly made redundant you have enough savings to get by until something else comes along.

My parents are in a very good position financially. Not millionaires but "well off" by most peoples standards. They helped us with a deposit for our first house many years ago, which we were very grateful for. We have never asked them for money and certainly don't want or expect "handouts". DH and I both work very hard and there have certainly been times when money has been tight. But I know that if the shit hit the fan (one of us lost our job or became too ill to work for example) we could ask my parents for help and they wouldn't hesitate. I can't deny that it's comforting to know we have that 'safety net' and I can definitely see why people would envy that.

We are quite well off, thanks to an inheritance, but I work with people who are “family” money - way, way more than we have. One thing that they have in common is that their goal is to maintain that family money within the family and to pass it on to the next generation. They talk about it, all the time, within their families (and outside). They plan trusts, gifts and inheritance meticulously to make it more tax efficient. They would not consider talking about money to be in the least bit vulgar and maybe this is where the rest of us are bit squeamish!

Learning lessons from that, I will be passing down cash and assets to my children when they need them most, not waiting until I die. And I talk to them about what we have as a family so when as we pass it over they can make well informed decisions about how to grow and invest it for their own children.

I can relate op
For me it wasn't so much friends but siblings and parents using the divide and rule theory.
Bottom line is I haven't spoken to siblings for years and never will. Parents keep away after the last bust up.

Yet, I'm now more relaxed than ever...out of sight out of mind.

We've become so accustomed to scrimping that neither I nor my partner buy any treats or indulgence. We've just accepted our lot and are both proud for having both the morals and principles to stand on our own 2 feet.

Today is a special day for us. This months pay sees the end to debt!! It's been an 18yr slog of going without. We intend to carry on being thrifty for the rest of the year to try and put a float in each other's bank account.

Hopefully I will NEVER experience debt ever again....Never!!

We've just accepted our lot and are both proud for having both the morals and principles to stand on our own 2 feet

I guess there is a back story here? It reads like uoure insinuating people who inherit or are given money by family lack both morals and principles. I'm sure you don't mean that. And I'm sorry you're no contact with your family, especially if money is the root of your family dissolving.

But considering the fact the thread is from someone who envies people who are gifted money, I don't really understand rhe unprincipled/lacking morals thing.

It sounds like you've a huge back story and a lot of bitterness. 18 years to pay off debts is a huge amount of time and that must also have been very hard for you both.