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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it is possible to have 4 DC and give them all individual attention?

159 replies

hibbledibble · 30/05/2018 19:04

I think it is, dh does not agree.

We have 3 currently. All get one to one time, activities etc, though the eldest gets more than the youngest. This will change as youngest gets older and is able to engage in more activities.

Can anyone talk to me about the jump from 3 to 4? 2 to 3 was really easy. I'm pretty sure #4 would just fit in.

OP posts:
Thorsday · 30/05/2018 19:05

Does DH want a fourth?

AsAProfessionalFekko · 30/05/2018 19:07

So when they hit teens are you going to clone yourself? It can't be easy (I'm one of many siblings and the squeaky wheel always got the oil).

SaucyJack · 30/05/2018 19:09

What's the age gap between number 1 and the possible number 4?

I only have 3, but I have 9 years between 1 & 3 and it gets harder and harder to pick stuff to do as a family as they get older.

Like for ex. choosing a film to watch as a family. DD1 likes 15 cert. horrors, and DD3 likes Disney.

Obviously if you really want a fourth, something like picking a film or a day out isn't going to be the deciding vote- but if you're happy with your lot these things are worth considering:

upsideup · 30/05/2018 19:12

We have 4 DC (11,8,4 and 3) and I am pregnant with DC5 and they absolutely get enough individual attention but we are both self employed, are able to choose when we work and only need to work part time hours if either of us had a full time job then our kids wouldnt get enough of our time individually and we wouldnt be able to have this many.
How much do you work? Each child is a huge responsability and I dont think one will ever 'just fit in', you both need to be commited to being able to take on that responsability

SeriousSass · 30/05/2018 19:15

You can’t tell before you know how much attention each kids needs. Some of mine needed a lot more attention than others at certain times of their childhoods.

It’s always guess work.

recklessgran · 30/05/2018 19:16

5 DD's here but spread out agewise [eldest 16 when youngest was born] .Eldest has serious special needs. We managed fine but DH was fully engaged in family life and occasionally I allowed each DD what was known as a "naughty day." This was a day off school to do whatever they liked with mummy without their sisters. DH and I both worked also, so life was pretty frantic. No regrets whatsoever and all DD's now adult and of the opinion that they had a magical childhood. Crucial to have DH fully on board otherwise I really wouldn't go for it OP.

Ohmydayslove · 30/05/2018 19:19

Hi op we had 6 kids. 4 lads in their mid to late twenties now and girls aged 19.

The jump from 3 to 4 was the biggest as we needed a bigger car and house. Most cars are set up for 3 kids.

Regards individual attention. Yes easily. I was lucky enough to be a sahm so that was great but we always tried to focus on each child as needed and as each child Is so different it’s fairky easy. The most challenging is hobbies. Some weekends dh and I would have to split so to cover footy/rugby/athletics meets but it’s fine.

We always had family Saturday nights with pizza and a CD which the kids took in turns to choose.

Obviously the older ones were ducking out by teenage peer group but that’s great too.

I see parents who don’t give their only child the attention she deserves so it’s not numbers it’s about will, organisation and love.

Ours all got part time jobs at 16 and all have been or are going to uni and seem fine, happy and well adjusted.

I do think there’s an awful lot of crap talked about only children/middle child syndrome/too many siblings.

If You parent the best you honestly can and keep life in perspective with lots of humour and flexibility the kids thrive.

Ohmydayslove · 30/05/2018 19:22

Ah Reckless our oldest kid now 28 and a dad himself recently described his childhood as ‘idyllic’

We will take that Grin

Floottoot · 30/05/2018 19:25

I'm one of 4 - I have a twin sister, a brother 7 years older, and a sister 10 years older.
In our case, my older brother and sister grew up very resentful of the attention my twin and I demanded, and also of having to "look after" us in various ways. Our family very much felt like 2 halves; my older sister left home when I was 8, and my brother wasn't close to my twin and I because of the age gap.

I have 2 children, with just over 2 years age gap. They are 14 and 12 which is great for family activities but pretty intense for things like homework help, after school activities etc, and we have the joyous prospect of A levels and GCSEs in the same year.
Although my DD is the eldest, she has SpLD and demands much more of our input than her brother does. I can't imagine doubling the number of children I have now without everyone being compromised.

Dairyleedunker · 30/05/2018 19:28

It can be difficult and you can feel like you are spreading yourself thin at times. I have four aged 9,7,4 and 18mths. The youngest has been the hardest baby of all and demands a lot of attention. As a result it is hard to give the others the level of individual attention I would like, particularly the 4 year old. My DH is very helpful with school runs and picking up from activities when he can but without a supportive DH it would be very hard. My parents also help sometimes if I need to bring older two somewhere so I don’t have to drag everybody along. I don’t regret it but the last 18 months have been hard. Even just being able to talk to each child about their day can be a challenge!

Ohmydayslove · 30/05/2018 19:29

I think that’s your parents fault Floot older kids can help out fine now and again but constant babysitting isn’t on. It’s very unfair to older siblings.

Solola · 30/05/2018 19:30

I think there are 2 posts with identical titles. In the other thread a poster commented that you are likely to get very different responses from parents of large families than you would from those who grew up in a larger family.

I'm the oldest of 4 and in my opinion the answer to your question is no. Older girls often get given responsibility for younger siblings (my mum would deny this). I've watched my friends with 4 plus kids and although the children make good playmates I think a lot of needs do get neglected even though the parents are great and doing their best.

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 30/05/2018 19:33

11 dc here, some left home, they have no negativity towards being part of a football team!!

CocoPuffsInGodMode · 30/05/2018 19:34

It depends on so many factors though doesn't it? For a start, how much time you've actually got to give them. Pretty difficult if both parents work full time, much more manageable with upsideups set up.

Also age gaps are a consideration too, I mean a parent may want to give the 8 year old some one to one time but if there's a 6 year old needing help with homework, a tantrumming 3 year old and a 1 year old needing to be fed then 8 year old might have to go to the back of the queue.

I was one of five and no, we rarely got individual attention. I have a sibling with four and also in laws with four and from what I've observed I'd say their children get very little one to one time. In fact the children tend to be treated as a group rather than individuals. Lots of fitting in!

3boys3dogshelp · 30/05/2018 19:35

I think it depends on the personalities of your children as well as your circumstances. We have three and make sure they all have a lovely life but we are stretched at times. I know i couldn’t manage 4. My friend does a fabulous job of 4 - far better than me with 3 - but her kids are much more laid back!

Hedgehog80 · 30/05/2018 19:36

Absolutely possible
We have 5 dc and 4 have a lot of medical
Issues so it’s difficult
The key is planning so for example they each do 2 activities outside of school, we set aside dedicated time to help each with homework, make sure we go out as a family once a week but that each child also has 1:1 one with one of us
We are exhausted but it’s worth it !

vampirethriller · 30/05/2018 19:36

I'm the oldest of 7. 15 year between me and the youngest. My answer is No too sorry. Babies got the attention, then when they were 3-4 they were ignored because there was another baby.

MiggeldyHiggins · 30/05/2018 19:37

So when they hit teens are you going to clone yourself?

why would you have to clone yourself? You just make the time to give them all attention. Its not much different from having three.

blackteasplease · 30/05/2018 19:38

I'm sure it's very possible. Exh is one of 4 and has no complaints.

Just don't, whatever you do, have a fourth because you have 3 of the same sex! No reason to think you have got that but it's a v bad reason to go for the next one.

iiiiispy · 30/05/2018 19:38

I'm one of four and I can 100% say we were not given the same attention. It's also hard to have equality when there are so many.

Ragwort · 30/05/2018 19:40

i can't imagine how you can give individual attention to children in larger families, even the basics like trying to help each with their homework every night; I am probably not the right person to answer because I find even trying to maintain the emotional needs of one child is exhausting, but I am someone who needs a lot of time on my own so the thought of dealing with four children all the time would exhaust me and I know I wouldn't be a good parent to more than one child.

The recent thread about how children in larger families really feel was interesting and the main message I got from that thread was that having 'larger families' was something that the parent and usually the mother wanted for themselves rather than thinking about what is best for the children.

Ragwort · 30/05/2018 19:42

I'm pretty sure #4 would just fit in.

But why should a child just have to 'fit it' because you feel you want another baby Hmm - sounds like you are talking about a new pet. Sad

Anyonewhoknows · 30/05/2018 19:45

I have 4. Single parent. But they are quite spaced out - 18, 14, 9 and 5 so I manage things to ensure they all get one to one with me. If they were closer in age and/or younger I can see it might be harder.

Hedgehog80 · 30/05/2018 19:45

It’s actually not that hard at all often little things like a bedtime story each, a chat about how their school day was etc is def a case of something small every day so tnatbeach has had individual attention then actual planned activities as a family and individual at weekends

MiggeldyHiggins · 30/05/2018 19:47

But why should a child just have to 'fit it' because you feel you want another baby

because that is how having a family works Hmm

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