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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it is possible to have 4 DC and give them all individual attention?

159 replies

hibbledibble · 30/05/2018 19:04

I think it is, dh does not agree.

We have 3 currently. All get one to one time, activities etc, though the eldest gets more than the youngest. This will change as youngest gets older and is able to engage in more activities.

Can anyone talk to me about the jump from 3 to 4? 2 to 3 was really easy. I'm pretty sure #4 would just fit in.

OP posts:

stayathomer · 30/05/2018 21:18

It sounds like you want to have four kids, if your dh agrees then I think you should go for it. The people against are people who like more order, and that's totally fair enough, it is very difficult to have things 'just so' when you have four kids. Our house isn't a madhouse but it's not calm and quiet all the time. I found from 1 to 2, 2 to 3 and 3 to 4 a shock to the system, because your mind and body have just figured out the best way to work things and then everything shifts again. Ours are 3,6,8 and 10. They have divided up into two against two on some things, and then a mish mash for others. As people have said above the eldest unfortunately gets the least attention, he's a quiet, happy guy and agrees with too much but we have been rectifying that lately and taking him out for one on one time, and have been trying to get him to choose things, speak out etc. You have three so you kind of do know what to expect but it is a bit difficult at times, a big one here would be family swimming or days out at runs etc, because for safety you need to ask another adult along as they need one to one parenting. We came from families of 4 and 5 and so it was a given we'd have a big family. You and dh do need to talk it out though (sorry, I'm sure you're fed up hearing that!)

ALittleBitofVitriol · 30/05/2018 21:26

See, 4 kids doesn't even seem that large to me... this obsession with needing one on one time every day, yearly holidays and constant, expensive activities is also odd to me. This is a very modern way of thinking about family life.

Our #3 was the hardest, due mainly to personality (he's a firecracker!) and unrelated, outside circumstances. #4 was a surprise, a sweetheart, much beloved by everyone.

Pros and cons to everything.

Shednik · 30/05/2018 21:29

It's very difficult. My four don't get a lot of 1:1 time.
I like to think they have other pros to having siblings. But 1:1 attention is scarce. There's no denying that children with only one sibling get a lot more.

For me, going from three children to four was a big jump. It did tip things from manageable but busy into chaos and chasing my tail for a couple of years. Youngest is three so we are coming out of that. And I don't regret it at all.

But I am conscious that 1:1 time is hard to come by.

Shednik · 30/05/2018 21:31

I take them all swimming by myself,days out on the bus etc. That is perfectly doable.

What is tricky is catering for a spread of ages.

It's definitely not 1:1 time every day here. Once a month is ambitious.

Shednik · 30/05/2018 21:33

Mine are 10, 8, 6 and 3.

Ohmydayslove · 30/05/2018 21:33

coco if you want to understand each of your child’s needs you just have to observe, listen and be there and I mean emotionally not physically.

You have read the posters on here who were only children who were neglected as were people like you from larger families. In both respects I would agree their parents either don’t know or don’t care.

thats the issue not the amount of children involved.

The fact your mother has no idea how you felt either now or as a child illustrated my point.

Ohmydayslove · 30/05/2018 21:36

theres no denying children with only one sibling get a lot more

I didn’t. My 6 got and still do get more love notice care and attention then I did as 1 of 2..

stop generalising

Failingat40 · 30/05/2018 21:43

Why do you feel the need for a fourth?

Have you considered the other children? Do they need another sibling?

I'm one of four, all born within 6 years of each other and I have to say I had a pretty shit childhood and teenage years.

None of us are close as adults. My closest sibling in age to me was only 14 months younger, I was still a baby when she came along. She was difficult and manipulative from babyhood through to now. The boys came next, the youngest had multiple health problems and cried virtually 24/7. My mother didn't cope well.

We were emotionally neglected and had zero individual time with parents. I always thought why have all these kids if it makes you stressed and we feel unhappy.

I'd concentrate on the three you already have if I were you, really. Unless of course you're already pregnant, your op doesn't say either way.

IveGotBillsTheyreMultiplying · 30/05/2018 21:46

My 4 seem to thrive on benign neglect. When they were small they played well together, as I did as a child in a big family.

We don't interfere with homework, my parents didn't help with mine.

We don't engineer one on one time, it's just happens spontaneously.

They are all doing well.

I don't understand all the fuss about 'parenting', people tie themselves in knots and beat themselves up.

upsideup · 30/05/2018 21:47

There's no denying that children with only one sibling get a lot more.

Thats not always true, our 4 DC get way more 1 to 1 time with me and DH than most of their friends who dont even have any siblings.

JalalHooha · 30/05/2018 21:54

Surely whether 4+ children get enough attention is more accurate from their points of view than parents own self evaluation?

As one of 6 siblings with some big gaps and close gaps no there wasnt enough time, attention, patience, privacy or nice holidays/clothes/toys. I hated it so much and wished i was an only child. Im sure my parents would say they had enough time for all of. Even though both parents didnt work outside of the house they still werent there for us all day in day out. Hell not even week i week out. Very much the squeaky wheel as pp wisely said.

ThistleAmore · 30/05/2018 21:57

Surely whether 4+ children get enough attention is more accurate from their points of view than parents own self evaluation?

^This.

The split on this thread seems to be that the vast majority of children from large families didn't particularly enjoy it, whereas the parents of large families did.

I'd be more inclined to listen to the (now adult) children.

Ohmydayslove · 30/05/2018 22:05

Thistle

Yes you should do why don’t you?

ThistleAmore · 30/05/2018 22:08

Eh, I dunno. I'm not the OP, and I don't have any children, so a bit confused?

UnsalariedPost · 30/05/2018 22:09

It's less to do with how many children you have, and more to do with how you relate to your children and your support system.

An isolated SAHM who lives in a small village and doesn't drive will find 4 children more difficult than a woman who has her entire family in walking distance and can call on them for support at any time of the day or night (For example, if one her children is ill)

My sil has 2 children, and calls upon her mother, 2 miles away from her, to step in on those occasions. We live 300 miles away, so that fallback is not available to us. Also, we have no family at all close to us. That makes a huge difference.

If we had sisters and brothers, and grandparents, around to take up the slack, we'd probably have had more children. When I was a child, we always had an Auntie just around the corner who could watch us while mother took my brother to the doctor with his broken arm.

I couldn't have done that when mine were little. I was hundreds of miles away from family, or anyone who would even care!
But that's another argument. 4 children does not seem excessive to me. If you have a network of support. Like my mother did.

Metoodear · 30/05/2018 22:12

AsAProfessionalFekko

So when they hit teens are you going to clone yourself? It can't be easy (I'm one of many siblings and the squeaky wheel always got the oil).
agreed I have 3 my oldest and middle one have the highest needs and the younger one gets left of to get on the most because she simply better able to just get on it’s sad but true

Faultyscales · 30/05/2018 22:16

None of my four ever get one to one time which devastates me. I speak as someone who didn't actively want 4 but ended up with multiples for baby number 3. My older two who are 7 and 11 barely ever get me on my own. Once my three year olds are finally in bed I want to sit down and not speak to anyone for several hours.

Anyone who can manage one to one with four is either a saint or has an angelic youngest child. As an example, this week is half term and all activities have to be tailored around the three year olds whereas friends of mine who only have two older kids have been up to all sorts this week. I can't remember the last time I did something alone with my 7 year old. My dh is very hands on too and it's just not possible to stretch 4 ways

Enko · 30/05/2018 22:17

Agree with Upsidedown there.. Generalisations doesn't work well when it comes to childhood and parenting. its different for each person in the dynamic..

however I have 4 children who are close and happy and they know they can come to dh and I if they need us and we are not aware..

I never had that with any of my parents and technically I grew up as a single child (parents divorced and my siblings remained with our father I with our mother it was visits every 3 weekends.

UnsalariedPost · 30/05/2018 22:25

We don't engineer one on one time, it's just happens spontaneously

My 4 seem to thrive on benign neglect

I don't understand all the fuss about 'parenting', people tie themselves in knots and beat themselves up

And there you have it. I really could not agree more.

Stop trying so fucking hard to follow the text books of how to be a perfect parent, and just do what comes naturally.

IveGotBillsTheyreMultiplying

I think you have it nailed.

Enko · 30/05/2018 22:27

I am not a saint nor did I have an angelic 4th.. However i did ensure that they understood that when it was 1 on 1 time with one of the others then they did not get to come in and take over.. DH and i would often take 1 of them out and the other would have the other 3. these days as teenagers its actually rare they want 1 on 1 time they like 2 and 2. Today dd1 and 2 and I went to London for a while.. on the 14th I am collecting dd1 from uni and ds has already asked if he can come along as he wants to help her out..

Mine are close I think our childrens relationship is the biggest triumph in my life..

And for the record there were plenty of days where when the smaller ones went to bed all I wanted to do was colapse however I know my friend with 2 feels the same way.. you plough through.

Ohmydayslove · 30/05/2018 22:46

Thistle

So you have no children but are judging parenting skills and making sweeping statements? Er ok!!!

Faulty no saint here either and the fact you worry about it probably means you are doing a good job.

Each to their own and there’s no guarantee you are patented better as a one and only or as a two/4/6/8/ or more.

It’s quality not quantity and this thread demonstrates that.

Ohmydayslove · 30/05/2018 22:47

I draw the line at michelle Dugger though!

TamzinGrey · 30/05/2018 22:51

I was the youngest of five. The only time that I got my Mum and Dad's individual attention was when I was lying in a hospital bed for four months after being knocked down by a car. I still look back at that time with pathetic pleasure, and have amazing recall of our conversations. When I was discharged and back home again everything went back to normal and once again I had to struggle to get noticed.

Ohmydayslove · 30/05/2018 22:54

Have you engineered any more accidents into
Adulthood? just to test them!

ThistleAmore · 30/05/2018 22:57

@Ohmydayslove

Where am I judging anybody's parenting? The OP asked for people's experiences, I gave mine of growing up in a large family and how it made me - me, personally, not anybody else - feel.

Why do you keep having a go at me?

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