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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it is possible to have 4 DC and give them all individual attention?

159 replies

hibbledibble · 30/05/2018 19:04

I think it is, dh does not agree.

We have 3 currently. All get one to one time, activities etc, though the eldest gets more than the youngest. This will change as youngest gets older and is able to engage in more activities.

Can anyone talk to me about the jump from 3 to 4? 2 to 3 was really easy. I'm pretty sure #4 would just fit in.

OP posts:
Ohmydayslove · 30/05/2018 20:31

MelanieSmooter

Flowers such a sad post xx

RoadToRivendell · 30/05/2018 20:32

It's my view that people who have large families are incapable of separating a yearning for babies (understandable) from rational thought.

Having four children is madness, and carries a statistically unfavourable outcome.

Rachie1973 · 30/05/2018 20:34

RoadToRivendel
It's my view that people who have large families are incapable of separating a yearning for babies (understandable) from rational thought.

I wasn't keen on the baby phase to be honest, I like them when they're older best, however, it's your view so your choice.

Having four children is madness, and carries a statistically unfavourable outcome.

Statistically unfavourable for what though?

SmithyStreet · 30/05/2018 20:34

DH is an only child and was often unintentionally overlooked by his own parents. Money wasn't an issue. But he often says how he was left to his own devices for most of the time, missed out on holidays (because they would go mostly go without him) and just never felt able to approach them with issues growing up.

DH's parents are lovely, they can go for weeks (often months) between seeing him (despite our attempts at frequent contact). Money is most often gifted from them too at these meetings (which we do not ask for or need).

My parents (I'm one of four) call daily and provide us with enthusiastic and regular support in the form of childcare, practical help (i.e decorating) and are much more involved in our (and my sibling's) lives.

I don't think there are hard and fast rules for parenting style vs family size. Or perhaps the real ideal number is 2 children?

Hedgehog80 · 30/05/2018 20:34

My yearning for a big family was less about babies more about another child, the baby bit is so short it’s the thing of having another person ...... teaching them things, finding out what their personalities are like that’s what made me want so many. The baby stage I like a lot but can take it or leave it I always feel that I want another child not just another baby

Ohmydayslove · 30/05/2018 20:38

RoadToRivendell

Are you drunk? Never read such a ridiculous prejudiced sweeping post.

Please feel free to visit my 4 graduates my fantastic grandchildren and my 2 girls going to uni now with top A levels.

You sound a bit silly really don’t you.

Giraffe888 · 30/05/2018 20:43

My sister has got 6 and it’s blatantly obvious that the attention they get isn’t equal and I feel sorry for them. Her eldest had to grow up quicker than she should as she shouldered a lot of parenting of the youngest

Rachie1973 · 30/05/2018 20:46

Ohmydayslove

Are you drunk? Never read such a ridiculous prejudiced sweeping post.

Please feel free to visit my 4 graduates my fantastic grandchildren and my 2 girls going to uni now with top A levels.

Struck me as odd too.

As one of 4 I have an English Degree, and run my own printing business. My siblings are a very high ranking fire fighter, who completed a Masters Degree to further his career still, a police officer and a Social Worker.

My own children are a teacher, with a Masters, a Firefighter, One has a construction company, one is training as a Social worker, 2 are in education still, one on A levels, one taking GCSEs at the moment, with a plan to go on to A levels in Sept.

CocoPuffsInGodMode · 30/05/2018 20:46

coco no not having that. It’s an excuse for poor parenting

No ohmydays it's not. People can tell themselves that those are just poor parents and I would never blah blah...

It's the nature of having a large family. Mum busy cooking dinner while wrangling a toddler and mentally planning tomorrow's packed lunches and trying to stop two other dc fighting over toy/tv/who's the best super hero. Older dc feeling shit because of how mean those girls at after school club have been to her all week but mum is busy and frazzled so she can't get a minute to tell her what's on her mind. And after dinner mums trying to get toddler bathed/other dc to finish homework. And in the morning it's the chaos of getting everyone organized and out.

It's not about poor parenting it's about having so many practicalities to consider and so much to fit into your day. It happens and if you're a parent to a large family it's worth being aware.

Dauphinois · 30/05/2018 20:46

I have 4 who are close in age, eldest 11, youngest 6 ( we've got twins in there)

I like to think they all get what they need from us but their needs are very different so time is not divided up equally.

I'm hoping we're doing ok with 4 but time will tell I guess. They all seem pretty well adjusted, happy kids.

Wellthisunexpected · 30/05/2018 20:48

It's probably possible, but my mum couldn't manage it. I was the eldest, therefore the most self sufficient. And I was left to be self sufficient. It was all, just let me get the baby to bed and we'll talk once they are in bed. But by then she was too exhausted to sped time with me and would fall asleep on the sofa by half 8.

And for those wondering where my dad was, he often worked away to earn money for our large house and for my mum to be a sahm.

TheMonkeyMummy · 30/05/2018 20:49

I have four, 9,8,4 and 3. It is hard to give one on one on a daily basis but at the moment we are all happy to do things as a family. Sunday is family fun time. We spend every other weekend camping in the summer. It is possible (DD and I are having a fun Friday night going to a concert, a few weeks ago I took DS1 to another). Little ones have time with me alone around school and nursery. DH is VERY hands on, and so we both do what we can to allow little treats together with one of the kids.

When the grandparents come to visit, even better!

Floottoot · 30/05/2018 20:51

ohmydays, I disagree - my older siblings didn't have to look after my twin and me endlessly, they simply resented having to look after us at all. I don't blame them, and it's a fact that it's something that isn't required when you only have 2 children and 2 parents.
When children outnumber parents, something has to give.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 30/05/2018 20:53

I have 5. The age gaps are 4 yrs/3yrs/2 and a half yrs/3 yrs. Until the older two left home we did most things together as a family. If we went out for a picnic the older ones might take books and the younger ones would take bikes or scooters but generally the older ones would look after the youngsters and we would do stuff together.

This last weekend we went out with everyone but the oldest (married, nearly 30) to a country park that we last visited 8 years ago. The oldest messaged and said he wished he and his wife could have been there because family events are so much fun.

The older ones would get attention when the younger ones were in bed and the younger ones would have their time when they came in from school and the older ones were studying.

It makes us sound like the von Trapps! Believe me, we were far from perfect. But they all agree that their childhoods were fun.

Incidentally I did not enjoy being mum to three children. Life improved hugely when number 4 was born and number 5 was a breeze!

TheMonkeyMummy · 30/05/2018 20:53

@RoadToRivendell what a load of tosh.

Namechange128 · 30/05/2018 20:54

Agree with pps that the parents might think it's fine, but most people who grew up with 3+ siblings will tell you that no, you don't get much 1-1 attention with 4, let alone anything that might require extra cash or time, like extra curriculars. This is even more so if one or more have any additional health needs, or specialist hobbies etc that require extra time or funds. Yes, there are benefits to having siblings, but with 3 kids they already have 2 of those, the benefit of an extra is not so huge.

My parents are lovely, my siblings are fab, I'd love more babies, but for the sake of my existing kids I am 100% stopping at 3.

Enko · 30/05/2018 20:55

I have 4 my 20 year old who lives away at UNI says " I find it very hard to get my 1 on 1 time with your or dad now I am at UNI"...

18 year old and 16 year old went " YEAH" (well first they went NOOOO in unison then cracked up laughing) On my asking if they feel they got enough 1 on 1 attention through out their childhood. Number 4 age 14 is currently cringing upstairs as her uncool siblings are watching Britain's got talent So I haven't asked her..

Yes I think you can give them enough 1 on 1 attention.. However I think us having a 6 year age gap from 1 to 4 made it easier.. than if you had a longer age gap.

DD1 just said " as annoying as the other 3 are I wouldn't want my life without them.. "

Ohmydayslove · 30/05/2018 20:56

Rachie indeed. How odd people feel they can generalise about someone’s parenting based on the amount of kids they have.

Bizarre. I suppose it’s the same lazy mindset as racism and sexism.

coco you have issues of your parents poor parenting I can’t see how you fail to see that.

I listen to my grown up kids who tell us their childhood was idyllic

Other posters have described crap childhoods as only children.

It’s your parents issue that you had a poor childhood and that’s crap for you but please don’t project.

Don’t generalise from your own personal experience.

Mountainsoutofmolehills · 30/05/2018 20:57

not unless you have heaps f cash and decide to trump up equally for all, not sort out the first and hope theres some crusts left for the last.

Is this about you having another baby??? Husband doesn't sound keen.

UnsalariedPost · 30/05/2018 21:02

I've only got two dc, and I haven't rtft. But they're not all babies at the same time, so no problem there, and as a child who had 3 older siblings, I feel I benefitted from that. They taught me stuff and gave me confidence that my parents couldn't and wouldn't have had the time or current knowledge to do. Being one of 4 was good for me.
I don't know how the jump from 3 to 4 affected my mother, so can't help you there. But as the youngest of 4, I didn't feel sidelined or ignored. On the contrary, my older siblings taught me stuff and there
were more people that loved me.

I think it's only those families who get to baby number 21 (no names) who have to start worrying about about psychological impact.
Four is pretty normal.

Ohmydayslove · 30/05/2018 21:04

Enko Grin typical responses.

Floot

My other theory is parents can either foster and nurture sibling closeness or they can just leave it to the kids. It’s to be encouraged as being kind and helpful is parent led? I hate the attitude that some parents have that it’s ok for theyrbkids yonhstr each other it to fight. It’s so not.

If your siblings didn’t want to help at all or feel any thing like support for the younger ones that’s sad.

For the record ours never babysat unless they volunteered. I think that’s really important.

cadburyegg · 30/05/2018 21:05

I think it's possible, but more difficult.

I was an only child and I didn't get enough attention because my mum worked 12 hour days, my dad was a sahd but ignored me all day.

So it's entirely dependent on the family.

Ohmydayslove · 30/05/2018 21:06

Op though I think you and dh both need to sgree. It’s fundamental you are both on the same page

CocoPuffsInGodMode · 30/05/2018 21:08

ohmydays as I posted earlier this is what I've observed with my family members who have 4 children as well as my own experience so no I'm not projecting. I've not painted an unusual picture there, have I? I mean it's hardly an unfamiliar scene to plenty of parents!

I also posted earlier that my mum thinks it was great and I don't tell her otherwise. I wouldn't want to hurt her feelings, she did her best and I love her. So maybe every one of your dc thought their childhood was great and wouldn't have changed a thing. It doesn't change the simple fact that it's harder to meet every childs needs in a larger family and imo posters who are raising a big family are not going to be harmed by being aware of the potential pitfalls.

ThistleAmore · 30/05/2018 21:10

While I only have one direct sibling, I'm the youngest of a familial generation of a large spread of cousins, and quite often felt a bit overlooked, or not particularly important (I suppose the adults felt they had raised enough without killing them and therefore I was the 'spare').

As a result, I was a very independent child, and still am as an adult, and while I have a great relationship with my (older) sibling and cousins, I'm quite distanced from the 'grown-ups', particularly my mother.

My advice would be to think about the effect on your immediate family - both in terms of the 'here and now', and the future - rather than just doing something because you want to, or because your hormones are telling you to do so.