To think it is possible to have 4 DC and give them all individual attention?

[hibbledibble]

I think it is, dh does not agree.

We have 3 currently. All get one to one time, activities etc, though the eldest gets more than the youngest. This will change as youngest gets older and is able to engage in more activities.

Can anyone talk to me about the jump from 3 to 4? 2 to 3 was really easy. I'm pretty sure #4 would just fit in.

I had 3 ,then a ten yr gap and number 4...it's fine 😜

My friend is the youngest of 5. The parents relied on the older ones to tell her the facts of life. They assumed her older sisters would tell her about periods so didn't bother. The sisters didn't tell her.

I have four teenagers and I was also one of four. I never felt like I missed out on attention, and my DCs have always had our full attention.

I suppose if we had only had one or two then we could have micro managed their lives, but I like that they have had siblings to play with/fight with/help each other/gang up on us with. It's been fun to watch how their relationships with each other have changed over the years going from play mates to tolerated to best friends to co-conspirators.

We have 5 children. The jump from
3 to 4 was hardest as everything had to change such as the car etc and activities/holidays aren't set up for more than 3 kids!
I do think that the hardest bit for me was that there was only 13 months between DC3 and DC4. We had 3.5 years between DC4 and DC5.

The thing I didn't really consider was the expensive of so many children, especially as they get older. I have to work full time as well as my husband to make sure we can afford holidays etc. Luckily I'm a teacher so childcare sorted in the holidays.

Yes you can give four children individual attention, but it might not necessarily when they want it. And the jump from 3 to 4 is huge in terms of holidays and a bigger car etc.

I have 4. They do genuinely get 1:1 attention, but not as much as we’d like. We each take them out to do something once a month. They also get time with 1 parent to read/do homework/snuggle etc daily.

Depends on the children. I have 4DC, aged 2-10, am fairly sure they will all grow
Up with completely different perspectives.

From 3 to 4 is a huge difference - for all that it seems very different going from 2 to 3, actually, you don't HAVE to have a 7-seater in the way you have to with 4 and a 4 bedroom house is fine.

My view is possibly coloured by the fact that DC4 was unplanned and I had multiple misgivings about 4. As it turns out, he is an utter joy and the light of my, my husband and his siblings' lives, but it has hugely affected their lives. DD1 has always taken a disproportionate amount of my time (now under investigation for ASD) and between her and the little one, DC2 & 3 have definitely lost out. This hasn't been so much an issue for DC2 as she's the type to thrive anywhere, though I mourn my time with her, but DC3 definitely struggles with it.

So, in short, I love all of mine dearly and we are doing the best we can - they seem happy but I do hope they don't have complaints when older! And I have no time to myself at all, but this is not helped by DH being out of the house at least 14 hours per day and no family support.

But sparkling that’s just not good parenting.

It seems to me there’s a million things kids can say parents got wrong. Having a big family is just one of them, having a small family could be another. Short of neglect it probably depends a bit on personality. One of my sisters says she would have liked to have been an only child - but she’s had three kids herself!

I agree that about teens, of course they are easier than babies but they are still very dependent but in different ways and also seem to need lots of emotional support and various times. I also think that as a parent you worry more about teens because the consequences of things going wrong at this age could really impact on their future.

I am the 4th child of 4. Siblings are 10, 8 and 6 years older than me.

Growing up I felt a lot like an only at times - siblings were too old to be interested in playing with me so I was often left to play alone from about 4 years old. Though granted I didn't do many clubs but I never asked/wanted to. Attention from my parents wasn't really an issue and by the time I was a teenager I was the only child left in the house anyway.

I am about to have #3, other DC are 12 & 8 so I guess I am repeating the pattern a little. Not too worried about the expense atm, though the yearly holiday will be bit more of a pinch!

I have 4 and I have fretted over the years that I did struggle to feel I was giving each child the attention they needed. They all got attention, but just not all the time - there would be times I was preoccupied with DC3's SEN and that would be the focus, or then DC2's issues would be the priority and so on. I can't pretend it's always been easy. That said - they've always had company, they have a really tight bond (now all pretty old) and I would never regret having 4.

That's really true Back, the emotional support they need can't be underestimated and things are so different from when I grew up, there's so much more pressure.

I am one of 5 and the short answer is no! It was a constant fight for attention.

I am one of four and growing up never wanted for more attention. As an adult I feel overlooked by my parents, but I'm an adult now, so it matters less.

Absolutely not. With kids they need quantity time not just quality time, no matter how many kids you have there are the same amount of hours in the day. So each child will have less time the more you have, obviously.

I suspect that the difference between pope who have grown up part of a big family and parents who have a big family is one of generation too.
25~30 years ago, siblings were expected to help and babysit. The idea of giving 1-1 attention wasn’t mainstream and a lot of children were left to their own devices (think about a,l the children playing out in the street type of stories).
Nowdays, the attention that children will get form their parents is different. As well as the expectations (eg to babysit).

@MiggeldyHiggins

but perspectives of those who grew up in larger families (except maybe the youngest) tend to suggest otherwise

sorry but thats bollocks. Some will say that, but the ones with something to complain about are the ones you've heard about. They could just as easily be complaining about their parents if they were an only child.
There are countless people in larger families who don't feel they lacked any attention, why would you know about

I was talking about the perspectives of the children of larger families posting on this thread (not in the whole wide world) - the majority (but not all) are saying they did not feel they got enough attention.

I'm guessing that you are the mother of many children and maybe these responses have hit a nerve. I'm not trying to make parents of larger families feel rubbish - just giving my own perspective and commenting on the trend in these kind of threads on Mumsnet.

A quick search on google scholar shows there is evidence of a negative correlation between family size and educational achievement: https://scholar.google.co.uk/scholar?hl=en&assdt=0%2C5&q=large+family+quality+of+child&btnG=#d=gss_qabs&p=&u=%23p%3DzfxDoEyS5hsJ

and also that the older ones in larger families get the raw deal: https://scholar.google.co.uk/scholar?hl=en&assdt=0%2C5&q=the+more+the+merrier&btnG=#d=gssqabs&p=&u=%23p%3DYjKqSdjqbYJ

But am sure there will be studies suggesting otherwise too.

I’ve found amongst the circle of people we know with large families there’s very much an attitude of dc being self sufficient/easier at a certain age and is not always the case and something that’s overlooked. Yes, often we were self sufficient because our parents needed us to be. I see the same now with my siblings family.

I'm not trying to make posters here feel shitty but it's about more than building in a "time slot" each week and being able to afford activities. A large family is hard work for parents and usually the squeaky wheel gets the oil. With so many in need of your attention it's quite easy to not notice when one seems a bit anxious or stressed, especially if you have one or two who are more demanding of your time. This happened in my family and I've seen it happen with my dns - parents shocked that they didn't realise a child was struggling with a particular subject, or being bullied, or laying awake because of something on their mind that they didn't have any opportunity to confide in a parent. You can genuinely do your best but that may not be good enough. We all only have 24 hours in a day.

Agree Helena it’s not the amount of children it’s parental attitude and their commitment to the children they have be that 1 or 10.

I was one of 2 and my parents were basically warring lovers who used me and dsis as an audience in their drama.

You are either a good enough parent or you ain’t and it’s nothing to do with the amount of kids you have.

FWIW, I am also an only myself. I had to be self sufficient because nobody entertained me but me. I had to ‘fit in’ with an adult lifestyle because my DPs didn’t want to live a ‘child friendly’ life. I grew up spending every summer in a grotty bar with my grandmother whilst my DM worked (not through necessity). I was there for weeks on end, not seeing my parents and often the buggered off on holiday without me and I didn’t get one. That was OK, because I ‘loved it’ at GMs. I didn’t, I just didn’t want to piss off my parents.

I was lonely, resentful and sad.

I still am a lot of the time and when my mother is old I will shoulder the entire burden of care. It terrifies me. I’m glad my DC have each other and they assure me they are too.

I am one of five. I loved it growing up and I love it now as adult with kids of our own.

As with all things I think there will be some parents who have a natural aptitude for it and can manage a larger family well and with relative ease. There are other parents who know that their own limit is one, two or whatever. I'm lucky that my parents fell into the former category.

There's probably an element of the children's personalities playing a part in how well it works. One of my children is easy going and one is very hard work. If you multiple easy going children it is probably all going to go a lot more smoothly!

As a previous poster said, 3 to 4 is a large step.
You'd need a bigger car, as most are only 5 seats. You also need to consider that most family tickets (e.g. zoo's/ castles/ days out/ holidays etc) are for 2 adults and up to 3 children. This would mean extra cost for the 4th, unless your eldest is old enough to no longer want to go to things like that as a family.
How big is your house? Would the 4th child be able to share a room with siblings add they got older or would you need to move? Are the bedrooms big enough to add another bed to?
There is also the possibility of the child having additional needs, which would massively affect the attention your current 3 children will receive, and they may resent you for this.
There is also the risk that older children might start being naughty as that is a guaranteed way of getting attention when they want it if they don't feel like they can get it another way.
What if you for pregnant with twins or triplets? Would you be able to cope financially, emotionally?

If you've considered all the above and you would manage, and you want a 4th then brilliant. Just make sure you consider everything that may need thinking about.

I love being one of four. I'm the eldest, then 2 brothers 11 months apart, and my sister 2 years later. So 4 kids in 5 years. I still felt I had plenty of attention.

My kids claim they love being part of a large family too, say it feels like someones always there for them, and someones always got their back

I’m from a big family and it was something I never wanted to have for myself. No individual time, always feeling a bit ignored, getting shitty hand me downs, never feeling like anyone would notice if I was there or not. I think my parents did their best but it’s the nature of the beast.

I agree with other PP that the parents of large families think they are all fine, but the kids have an entirely different perspective. The parents who get a little bit defensive are probably the ones who have had a few nerves touched.....

coco no not having that. It’s an excuse for poor parenting. You should never be too busy to see if s child is struggling and it’s not about factoring in individual time like it’s by timetable it’s understanding each child and monitoring each child. It’s not rocket science.

I have known dreadful parents with one child and 6 and great parents of 1 and 6.