To think it is possible to have 4 DC and give them all individual attention?

[hibbledibble]

I think it is, dh does not agree.

We have 3 currently. All get one to one time, activities etc, though the eldest gets more than the youngest. This will change as youngest gets older and is able to engage in more activities.

Can anyone talk to me about the jump from 3 to 4? 2 to 3 was really easy. I'm pretty sure #4 would just fit in.

And why do you seem to completely steamroller over the experience of other people who also grew up in large families who said that - FOR THEM - it wasn't ideal?

Surely what the OP is asking for is a range of real life experiences?

Wow this thread is frustrating to read. So many parents saying their now grown up children tell them their childhood with many siblings was IDYLLIC and they've all graduated from uni with flying colours.

Yet just not listening to so many of us who grew up in larger families saying it wasn't that great! Of course we are glad we have our siblings now and have great family memories mixed in but what we don't tell our parents is how difficult it was becoming independent so young because there wasn't time or space to ask for help and actually it never occurred to me to ask because I was so used to sorting myself out.

One of my biggest strengths is my independence but it is also one of my biggest sorrows. My parents may well use me as an example of someone who 'thrived' as the eldest of four (did great in school, have great relationship with siblings etc) and I will never know any different but it is not an experience I would like for my own children.

I don't know if my youngest brother would say the same - he got a lot more of my parents time and attention once me and my sister had left home.

I'm eldest of 4. Really didn't like it for the most part (grew up fast, sharing a room with 2 siblings, never having any peace to do homework and so on..). Sister below me was a bit of a nightmare and got the bulk of the attention. I was quiet and well behaved, therefore mostly left to get on with it. Always felt like we were a bit of a circus on days out too.. For some reason my guy feeling has always been 3 would have been a lot better.

@Solola I suspect it is objective to where you are looking from. I view this thread as a lot trying to say how awful it was and how much they hated it. I do not think mine have felt it that way.

However I know my sister hated being one of 3 felt she never had enough 1 on 1 time.. My mother adored being 1 of 7 her 2 year older sister hated it.

It is all relative. I also suspect finances has a fair bit to do with it. Mine have not been on holiday as a family for years my friend take her 2 twice a year.. I take mine to shows and concerts and restaurants regular my friend never does.. it is about life style choices for me the regular drips of niceties overweighs going on a holiday every year. For my friend it is the other way around. Less to do with number of children more to do with what lifestyles choices we make.

I will absolutely agree for some being one of 4 is not a good experience . Can you agree for some it is a good experience?

None of my four ever get one to one time which devastates me

Well it shouldn't. They have the benefit of having siblings, which many children don't have. The input of having siblings is irreplaceable by anyone else. Not even you spending an hour a day with them.

I'm getting on in years, and my experience of having older siblings is that they read books to me to lull me off to sleep, War and Peace was one of them, and Edward Lear another, and War of the Worlds was yet another. A J Cronin was another. And the Bronte sisters were yet another. I was absolutely soaked in literature from an early age.

My parents would not ever have sat and read to me. My brothers did because my parents told them to go upstairs and get me off to sleep. I benefitted hugely from that. And I mean really hugely in the sense of appreciating literature at the same time as becoming very closely knitted with my brothers. They enjoyed reading to me because the text was new to them also.
1001 Arabian nights. They read it to me. Jane Eyre, They read it to me. H.G Wells, The Time Machine. They read it to me. And I loved every minute of it. As an 8/9 year old child, I was engrossed.in the story. Even A Tale of Two Cities. I had read to me by my eldest brother. Sitting in our little living room while our parents were out, it was very exciting to have this classic literature related.
There were no phones, no telly, nothing. Just my older brother reading to me.

Now, of course, there are computer games. Or downloading a programme you'd like to watch. Actually reading an actual book is something I don't think happens any more.

OK. Question. Would your 10 year old read Jane Eyre and understand it and find it interesting?

@Enko yes I do agree with you that for some it is a good experience. For me too, there are positive aspects. I think for me personally the positive bits were/are camaraderie with siblings, never lacking a playmate, not finding parental expectations too intense as they were shared out (if that makes sense?), being the oldest helped me develop leadership skills and as said previously independence, my parents were often distracted so I could get away with a lot in my teens! Those positives just off the top of my head.

So I'm not totally slating the experience but you saying you don't think your children mind being part of a big family does make me question how you can say this for sure? I can't remember how old your children are but I would have said I LOVED being part of a big family until I really started to think about it once I became a mother. I would also never share these particular feelings with my parents as I love and respect them and know they did their best.

I don't think the number of children is always the only issue regarding attention and how you feel about your parents.
I only have one sibling, and it has been extremely clear to me my whole life that she is preferred. She gets whatever she wants, whilst I was always just expected to be fine.
Including when I was getting married, my parents were much more bothered about her being able to choose her bridesmaid dress than me actually pick a wedding dress.
Unsurprisingly we aren't massively close, and i involve my parents in my life as little as possible now

@solola I grew up in a large family and have one myself. I enjoyed growing up (the eldest) with my siblings and I enjoyed helping out (willingly never expected) I'm not sure how much attention you are 'supposed' to get as surely there are too many variables to accurately quantify attention. My dad worked long hours and my mum less. I enjoyed my homelife and was perfectly happy.
I have a large family myself and have a good relationship with my children. I do not make the older look after the younger, they are my kids, but often they do things because they actually love the little ones. I would say the hardest part was a child with SN as this does take more time and attention (and meetings and out of school time etc) so that can make things harder and mean one gets more than the others at times, but that happens with 2 child families as well when there's disability.
No two families are the same and you can't predict the future. But we wouldn't have it any other way.

Ok so I am pregnant with my fourth (and final) right now. DP and I work FT but I am a teacher and DP an engineer so we both have weekends/bank holidays and I have school holidays to dedicate to DC. I had my first three DC very close together and they are now 8, almost 7 and almost 6.

It isn’t easy to give them all individual attention but I try my upmost and I think I do a pretty good job. I read to them all both individually and together most days, I always make sure I talk to them about their days at school every day and they all get tucked in and kissed goodnight which I know might seem like a small thing but my DM never did that for me and I think it’s a very loving thing for a child to have. They don’t seem too bothered by the fact they have siblings.

I have a first in English Literature and teach English but fucking hate Jane Eyre . Just thought I’d say... I hate Shakespeare too.

I am one of 4. I was the middle child, my younger siblings were twins. I personally felt like I was left to my own devices a lot more than my siblings and I didn't get as much attention from my parents, especially my mum. My parents now say I'm really independent but I feel like it's because I was just left to get on with things as a child. Even my mum has admitted that 4 kids were too much, but I think having twins and 2 kids at the same age is probably a lot of why she feels like that.

I have 4 and it's bloody hard work. There are so many different relationships and emotions to manage. Child A hates Child C today but tomorrow they will gang up together on D. And don't get me started on who will eat which particular vegetable this week. It's exhausting!!

We haven't had a family holiday for 7 years. I spent all of my thirties either pregnant, breastfeeding and/or toddler wrangling. The house is a complete tip. I now work 6 days a week around school hours, DH works long hours and we're still broke and we have to drive a minibus to fit everyone in! Glamorous it ain't!!

BUT it is also amazing and now they are older (17,15, 12 and 9) we can go out for a meal together and just have fun together. They are all independent minded but they also love their home and cuddling up on the sofa watching trashy TV (before someone storms off in a huff about popcorn ).

It's the best thing I've ever done but also the most stressful and challenging. I'm very far from being a perfect parent but we have tried to support and encourage them in whatever they want to do. They all do the sports/activities they love and they get individual time every night at bedtime if they want it - even if it takes me 3 hours to get them to bed - and if there's money available they get a special day once or twice a year where we just go out 1:1 and do whatever they want.

So, that's a really long post basically saying that as parents we are doing our best, I think DS would say he would much rather be an only child whereas DDs would probably (reluctantly) admit they quite like being in a bigger family. I don't know if they will always feel like that. I think it would be much easier and less stressful if we had more money and a bigger house and it has put a massive strain on my relationship with DH. Hopefully we haven't screwed up the kids too badly and they know that they are very much loved and wanted . At the end of the day OP, you and your DH are the only ones who can decide and you really have no idea what it will be like until it's too late!

Speaking as the mother of a severely handicapped and disabled first child who went undiagnosed in her first year, and I was told by the doctors that she was just a bit of a late developer. then going on to have yet another child within 18 months. without knowing the challenges that lay ahead,. I think that you are blessed to already have 3 normal children.

I mean, how hard can it be? I'd welcome it.

My parents had 6 and were able to give them one on one attention. I have fond memories of my mother teaching me to see and to cook, after #6 was born.

No, I don't think it is judging by my experience growing up.

Not enough money, not enough time, not enough space or privacy. being dragged around as x needs to go to y and the older ones end up picking up the household stuff and childcare.

@BiggerKnickers you really have no idea what it will be like until it's too late

I think that is the truth of the matter. No one can tell you what it will be like for you/for your children.

No one sets out to be a poor parent or give their children a poor family life. It happens whether with one child or many. Dont discount the positive or the negative comments but remember that everyone writes from their own perspective.

Unsalaried

I agree. I'm maybe about your age and grew up in a large family before computers took off. We had a great time as siblings, we didn't read to each other but certainly passed books between ourselves with lots of discussion. Our lack of one on one time or parents playing with us certainly didn't stop us from achieving academically.

I think that both the commodification of everything child-related is partly at the root of the angst around parenting: we have been sold the idea that to make childhood 'perfect' -and who said it should be?-we need to buy into special activities from prebirth onwards, children's food, and generally engage in helicoptering so that the dcs will not be left behind in this ever more unequal society.

The BigParenting industry TM has cashed in on a fear of failure, fear of missing out, fear of not being good enough which are very universal in a social species.

I grew up in a large family (one sis, one bro, two step sis, two step bro) and loved it. I now have four DC and also love it, although i'm permanently shattered! We have a five year gap between the two older ones and two younger ones which I think really helps as they've all got a 'pal' and someone who has the same interests as them. The oldest (14) does have to look after the little ones from time to time which she moans about but is that any different to having two children with a big age gap? The older ones say they feel 'special' at school for having a big family. My DH has next to no relationship with his only brother which we are both sad about, whilst i'm very close to my blended sisters and brothers. I feel each child gets attention at different times for different reasons i.e ones doing a school concert, so they get attention, then a few days later i'll be helping another one with a school project etc
It helps that I work from home. When no. 4 was born, my career had to take a step back.

I have five and surely in some ways children benefit from not being that little emperor thinking they are a God and that the sun circles round them? I think they benefit from having to share. Now the youngest are teenagers ask any of them and they would all say they love having 4 siblings.

I have always worked full time however so that obviously has helped with money and affording music lessons and that kind of thing and can fund their university and school fees and costs.

I remember one child bringing their friends home because we had gorgeous cute baby twins when all their friends had no babies at home and it was such a drawer and so lovely to see all those friends giving the babies so much attention.

I was one of 4 and I hated it, but maybe often it's the parents themselves that make or break a childhood, not the siblings or lack of siblings. So many people I know who were only children say they longed for a sibling, while I always longed to be an only child.
If you have good parenting skills, I am sure that it's fine to have 4 or more children.

We have four DC and everyone gets individual attention/time for activities. How we provide that will adapt as they grow older but at the moment it's things like staggered bedtimes of 30mins each so 7pm/7.30/8pm/8.30pm and in that 30mins we read together or play a game or do a jigsaw and we chat while we're doing it. The school aged DC (three of them) read their school reading book to me, one after the other, when we get home from school. Homework is done together at the dining table so I can help them, same for spellings. They do two clubs each and they're all afternoon/evening ones so that weekends are free time rather than being spent ferrying everyone to/from their siblings activities. They're of the age where they get invited out to play, to friends houses, invite friends here, etc. and we have a rule that siblings are not allowed to gatecrash this. We take them out for individual trips with one or both parents (we use a mix of family babysitters, paid for babysitters, and utilising time where other DC are at clubs/school/playdates/parties, etc), just this week I've taken DC1 to the cinema, DH has taken DC2 bowling and DC3 climbing, and tomorrow I'm taking DC4 swimming.

It can be a juggling act and circumstances can sometimes mean one child gets more attention than the others (e.g., if they're poorly) but we try to stay aware of this and always explain "I'm busy with your brother/sister right now because but later on we can read/play/go for a walk, etc" and we follow through on these promises. We don't always get it 100% right (does anyone?) but being conscious of it and making an effort count for a lot IMO as does being consistent in those efforts.

I will admit though that there are times I tell them to leave me alone and go play together "that's basically why we had so many of you!"

@solola I can't remember how old your children are but I would have said I LOVED being part of a big family until I really started to think about it once I became a mother

None of mine have children yet. However dh was one of 4 and even now as a 50+ says he loved it and really felt his parents did a fantastic job with them all. I on the other hand was 1 of 3 and I hated it. It was a part of how we decided on our family size we both felt that we wanted more than 2 and I really didn't want 3 as I had felt so left out. so we went with 4.. D Sis hated being 1 of 3 felt she never got enough 1 on 1 time (she is the oldest by 6.5 years) so chose to only have 1 child. Dbro have never had children (not through choice sadly)

It does in my opinion all come down to parenting and how it was handled. I can't tell how mine will feel when they become parents them selves. I became a lot more critical of how " my" parents had parented when I became a parent. I think that is natural when you start deciding how you wish to parent. I have mirrored a lot of my parenting on how MIL and FIL did it as dh feels really good about that part of his childhood (less so about how religious it was so he does criticise) However I have also educated myself and worked out how I wanted to go about stuff.

Have I got it 100% right? Off course I haven't However I have 4 children who all are close and who enjoy each other and right now miss dd1 away in uni so I think I at least did parts of it right.. My children know they are loved and their parents are there for them. My close friend who is 1 of 2 feels her parents couldn't care less and says she had no feeling of her parents loving her they were and are simply focused on her brother who was the golden child.

I'm the youngest of 5 and probably got the most attention. We're fairly spread out in age though and the next sister up is 4 years older than me.

Personally, I feel I had a great childhood. I can't speak for my sisters but we all have a pretty good and healthy relationship with each other and our parents.

It might have helped that Mum was a SAHM and Dad was pretty involved in our sports.

There's no denying that children with only one sibling get a lot more

Of course there is! Some people will have one child and give them fuck all attention, some people will have 8 and give them all plenty. Its not about the number of kids you have.
Plus they get attention and interaction from each other, which is severely underestimated.

I was talking about the perspectives of the children of larger families posting on this thread (not in the whole wide world) - the majority (but not all) are saying they did not feel they got enough attention

Thats a handful of people so really stupid to generalise from it, and as I said, its people with something to complain about that post. Its a self selecting group

I'm guessing that you are the mother of many children and maybe these responses have hit a nerve. I'm not trying to make parents of larger families feel rubbish - just giving my own perspective and commenting on the trend in these kind of threads on Mumsnet

I am but you haven't, though its pretty dickish of you to assume that. Give your own perspective all you like but you know nothing of any such trend or why that would be, clearly.