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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friend just needs to say no to her kids?

177 replies

reddblackandblue · 30/05/2018 11:30

I have been very close to my friend for years. She is genuinely a lovely, lovely person. Too lovely.

She’s always been very into ‘gentle’ parenting but ever since her eldest turned two, she has had these screaming tantrums that last half an hour or more and no one can do anything during this period except sit and wait for the child to exhaust herself into sleep.

Obviously, I thought this was normal so waited it out. Child turned three, four and five and still has tantrums and screams when she doesn’t get her own way. The younger child who isn’t now three is exactly the same.

I think my friend just can’t say ‘no.’ Even when something is obviously impractical or dangerous she will sit around for ages reasoning with them rather than saying no. This has meant us all standing by a busy road while the children scream, standing outside the car waiting to get in as the kids won’t get in their car seats, waiting around exhausted at midnight as the kids rampage around.

Now she’s expecting another.

Aibu in just not wanting to be around her any more? I absolutely love her. The kids? I can’t stand them!

OP posts:
Tinkobell · 31/05/2018 20:30

Wow! I'm in awe of your friends patience. I sorely wish I had just a tiny bit of it, instead of flying off the handle and living with those regrets. Hard for you. I think her kids when older will see her as a gentle kind mum.

takeoffyourpantsandjacket · 31/05/2018 20:46

If you don't like the way she parents but love her as a friend, go to the cinema with her, or out for some drinks or a meal. You don't have to have 'playdates' because you're both mums. I hate them personally anyway.

smashhits90s · 31/05/2018 20:49

Mine of my friends children is a nightmare. Reading with interest.

WyfOfBathe · 31/05/2018 20:57

I know quite a few people who would describe themselves as "gentle parents". I don't follow one parenting "ideology", but I suppose I agree with quite a lot of gentle parenting type methods - in my classroom as well as with my DC.

One of DD's friend's mums is a big advocate for gentle parenting and allowing her children to make their own decisions. When they were 5, she came to my house while her mum had an appointment. Sweet girl, played nicely, said please and thank you, etc. At the end, her mum asked "sweetie, are you ready to say goodbye?" "No mummy, I'm playing"... "Would you like to come home for dinner now?" "No thank you mummy". In between offering her DD the chance to leave, she said things like "Ah, Wyf, you know what girls are like! Never want to do what their mummy says!"

After a full hour of this, I took the girl by the hand, walked her to the door, and said goodbye. Her mother texted me that evening with links to sites about how important it is to allow a child to make their own decisions. I didn't send her a link about how important it is to not overstay your welcome Grin

Metoodear · 31/05/2018 21:01

Tinkobell

No they will think she’s a dick head and run all over her when teens

Lemonnaise · 31/05/2018 21:11

When her child has a major tantrum and is screaming in my friends face and punching her, friends response is to cuddle child and say "mummy loves you very very much". Child is nearly 7

The mind boggles. I have a 7 yo, there's not a hope in hell she'd get away with that behaviour.

Lottapianos · 31/05/2018 21:12

'Her mother texted me that evening with links to sites about how important it is to allow a child to make their own decisions. '

Oh FFS! You did well not to tell the mother where to go in words of no more than four letters. How pathetic

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 31/05/2018 21:14

If you love her as a friend..go to the cinema with her, or out for drinks.

I agree you can remain friends. Hopefully somebody will be prepared to babysit?! Hmm

PaddlingFuriously · 31/05/2018 21:16

I have a friend like this. Her eldest are, not to put too fine a point on it, feral. Oddly enough, they listen to me & dh when we tell them no, but it’s a word their mum has never liked. Ditto ‘naughty’. Have witnessed so much ridiculousness over the years, due to this attitude. One that stands out is the child dismantling an expensive, and new, piece of furniture bit by bit, often hurting themself in the process, and no one stopping them, because they would tantrum.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 31/05/2018 21:17

God Lord Wyf clearly Mummy had forgotten to get any dinner in.

Sheilasfeels · 31/05/2018 21:25

Reading with interest as I have a toddler who has just started testing the boundaries. I have accidentally been quite an attachmenty gentle parent (as in, ai haven't read the books and done it deliberately as a choice), but DH and I have used No from the beginning, to the point where it was her first word! She's a headstrong little thing, and I have no idea how to do discipline on someone so young, but when she's older I plan to use the dog analogy: when we tell the dog to stay before crossing the road, do we think he understands the danger? No he doesn't, but he trusts us to keep him safe. Sometimes you won't understand why I ask you to do something, but you will have to trust that I'm saying it to keep you safe.
Wish me luck! 😂

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 31/05/2018 21:30

You'll be fine Sheila you sound sensible enough, just don't reward her with a dog biscuit every time Grin

gillybeanz · 31/05/2018 21:46

YANBU I can't stand tantrums and wouldn't allow them from my children.
Naughty step or just laughed at by us, they didn't usually do it again.

I can't do with namby pamby parenting, but each to their own.
All you can do is distance yourself from parents like this as it gives the wrong message to your children.

Metoodear · 31/05/2018 21:55

Some people you have to be friends with without the kids

Liketoshop · 31/05/2018 22:07

I can't bear this namby pamby totally ineffective parenting, bordering on neglect! Children need limits, boundaries, discipline. They will respect their carers and parents for it. My paediatric senior manager friend and I were appalled at the shockingly poor parenting a mother meted out to her child whilst in a cafe recently. She ignored her yelling child, her friend left in disgust and people left the cafe. She said she can't let her child win!! Kids need limits to stem their frustration and parents have to respect others. Absolutely shocking parenting. Discipline children quickly and effectively.

nursy1 · 31/05/2018 22:10

sheilasfeels
I think the dog analogy is brilliant. Often our dog was the most obedient and responsive being in the house! I do wish you good luck,

Timeissliplingaway · 31/05/2018 22:18

I know someone like this, never gives her child into trouble for anything they do. He hits, pulls hair, shoves, steals toys, it's all patience and being calm. She has no problem telling other children off if they dare to do anything to her child.

lunchboxloony · 31/05/2018 22:30

A friend of mine had a friend like this - we all met up a few times and I used to see her DS swimming and he was always difficult, and my friend told me some hideous stories about trips they had all taken together. Eventually I understand her DS was taken into care - so sad as the Mum was a single parent and he was all she had, but he just became unmanageable! On the other side of the coin though - I also know of another family where they wouldn't use the word no - and their DD was apparently awful as a child but by her teens and now adulthood she was fine! Perhaps it depends how you do it? (And I'm always telling mine 'no' but they can still be horrors Grin).

TheGrumpySquirrel · 31/05/2018 22:52

Urgh my dad is like this with his second family. He was a horrid authoritarian when I was small but NOW, oh, the little darlings need to get a very long explanation on the why's and wherfores and yes you can make a massive mess because it's learning darling and never mind that there's no time for any adult conversation Hmm

silvercollie · 01/06/2018 07:36

Nine year old grandson developed tantrumitis at an early age. I live over 100miles away and it made my infrequent visits very hard. My son practised soft parenting and reason etc to the point that together with his stressful work life he had a heart attack at 47. The constant screaming could not have helped. I used to leave a room rather than listen - was often in tears because I could not help in any way. Even now it is always eggshells around him. Not good. DIL said that boys need to be boys! DGD was only a little madam for the usual couple of years and I am sure her younger brother’s behaviour has affected her.

silvercollie · 01/06/2018 07:41

Just caught up on the dog analogy. Good one. Like dogs, children need boundaries. No, at relevant times, is a good start.

MissMarplesKnitting · 01/06/2018 07:56

Oh god yes.

Saw this on action yesterday. In a museum, there's a big interactive screen exhibit with lots of small video clips you can select and watch.

My four year old is fascinated, and has spent five minutes quietly watching these in one corner and is learning things. Family comes over, kids are expanding their clips over the whole screen, covering her corner over, being silly and my DC gets upset because her videos are getting covered and these kids think it's funny.

I tell DC we should go as we can't see anything at the moment. Mum of kids other gets huffy and says "it's for everyone, you know".

Well yes. That's point exactly. It's not just for your kids to take over the whole huge thing and spoil for everyone else, is it?

But you can't tell your kids to just control their behaviour and not to spoil it for others. Just let them do what they want.

Got it.

Your kids are going to be pains in the rear by rtheir teenage years, because they never hear 'no'. They will find it exceptionally hard.

When they get into my classroom they will have to learn to accept discipline, because they aren't any more important than anyone else in there. Everyone gets treated the same. And if they can't follow instructions because they don't want to, then tough. There are consequences.

I don't have 'mummy's special little soldiers' get exceptions to instructions because you haven't got the spine to discipline them.

Prepare your children for life. They won't be able to tell their boss they don't feel like doing the work they need to do today, will they?

nuttyknitter · 01/06/2018 08:11

Wow - so much smug self righteous judgement on here!

bossyrossy · 01/06/2018 09:00

Children need boundaries. Here is an analogy that explains why:
Imagine a bridge over a raging river. The bridge has no handrails, no boundaries. A child is afraid to cross it, terrified they will fall in. Put handrails on the same bridge and the child will walk confidently across, perhaps not even needing to hold onto the rail; they know they’re safe.
It’s the same in life, providing a child with boundaries makes them feel safe and better able to face life’s challenges.

Bettyfood · 01/06/2018 09:06

It depends. If a child has anxiety, yelling at them (or even being firm or attempting reasoning with them) when they are having a tantrum only makes matters worse and it's better to let the tantrum blow itself out then speak to them when they are calmer.