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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder how I was supposed to use this toilet?

387 replies

sleepingdragons · 29/05/2018 23:42

DD and I got drenched in the rain today, proper torrential rain! DD's skirt was soaked through.

We were on our way to meet family for lunch, so we headed there and I took DD to the toilet.

DD was freezing. My plan had been to strip her bottom half to her pants in the ladies and hold her skirt under the hand dryer for as long as I could.

But when I got to the toilet I found it was unisex. There were a bunch of cubicles coming off a busy communal sink area, with a couple of middle aged men in there when I got there, and more men coming and going while we were there.

What would you do in this situation? What do you think I should have done?

Also - AIBU to think that restaurants and cafes are going to use the new trend for unisex facilities as a cost cutting measure, so we're going to see loads more of this kind of thing?

OP posts:
sailorcherries · 30/05/2018 07:42

What the fuck do you do in the communal wash basin part of a single sex toilet that you can't do in a unisex one?
Surely anything private is carried out in the cubicle, regardless of who is washing their hands?

WelcomeToGilead · 30/05/2018 07:42

I agree with you OP, we all take the privacy of our own toilet facilities for granted. How's anybody going to deal with moon cups for example in front of a pile of blokes?

TheGrumpySquirrel · 30/05/2018 07:42

There was a whole thread in FWR about what we use female toilets for aside from going to the toilet.

SnuggyBuggy · 30/05/2018 07:42

Not liking this trend at all personally. I often go out to places alone and if a unisex toilet with cubicles was my only option I would probably try to cross my legs.

ErictheGuineaPig · 30/05/2018 07:44

Well. I'm starting to wonder if I haven't been making full use of the ladies over the last 4 decades. I haven't ever had cause to do anything that specifically needs a ladies only space outside the cubicle. Me and a friend once missed the last train home from clubbing during the winter and spent a memorable night sat under a hand dryer, taking it in turns to hit the button for a blast of hot air... We could have done that in a unisex toilet though I guess.. Most places these days have a baby changing facility so if I have a kid who needs changing I use those.

Honestly, I'm not entirely sure about unisex toilets myself but I don't think your scenario is one that worries me - it's such a specific set of circumstances isn't it? You got caught in a spectacularly bad storm, your daughter's coat wasn't long enough to keep her dry adequately, she doesn't like hand driers, there's nowhere nearby to buy clothes and the toilets were unisex. You found yourself in that situation because of all of those things coming together in a perfect storm (ha!) of sod's law. You have chosen to bemoan the lack of a ladies loo but you could equally be blaming it on any of the other issues you encountered.

Original poster
sleepingdragons · 30/05/2018 07:44

SharronNeedles - copied and pasted from one of my earlier threads:

"I was interested in what other people would do"

Several of the suggestions weren't possible given the circumstances, so I'm replying to that.

eg there were no shops, going home would have meant missing the event, other peoples clothes were also wet etc.

OP posts:
ErictheGuineaPig · 30/05/2018 07:45

I use a moon cup, I never take it out of the cubicle though.

TheShapeOfEwe · 30/05/2018 07:46

@WelcomeToGilead do you rinse your mooncup in the sinks in the ladies? In front of other people? Because I honestly think that is totally unacceptable and repulsive. I have never and would never rinse my period blood down a sink used by others, especially if they could see me do it.

TheGrumpySquirrel · 30/05/2018 07:47

Lol you WERE at Caravan! Sorry just rtft
Regardless of the wanky excellent coffee or (frankly mediocre) service I'm not going there again. Their other branch in Cannon Street is the same wrt loo situation, maybe more people should complain

Original poster
sleepingdragons · 30/05/2018 07:48

if a unisex toilet with cubicles was my only option I would probably try to cross my legs.

I suspect a lot of people are like that.

I suspect a lot of women would be embarrassed to pee if the knew there was a man in the next cubicle because of social conditioning.

(Not saying ALL women before you all tell me how happy you are to pee with men listening to you!)

OP posts:
pigmcpigface · 30/05/2018 07:48

Well said eric.

I'm assuming if your DD was young enough that you have to strip her yourself that this wouldn't really have been an issue in a unisex loo any more than in a ladies' loo.

I was at a tourist attraction the weekend before last. As usual, there was no queue for the male loos, and a huge queue for the female ones. Many of the women in the queue were saying "This would be SO much better if they were unisex". My experience with public toilet provision is that this treatment of women as second class citizens due to inadequate gender segregated provision is far, far more common and everyday than any situation in which unisex toilets are a problem. (Anyone who has been to the theatre can back me up here!)

PeakPants · 30/05/2018 07:49

This has everything to do with it.

Well at least your true colours have shown now. It was about self-ID all along. Why don't you start a boycott against Caravan then? I am sure lots of people from the FWR boards will join in.

To illustrate that this has little to do with feminism, even when the freaking abortion referendum was going on and in its lead-up, nearly every single fucking thread on there was about trans people and imaginary scenarios about toilets and changing rooms. There are so many more pressing issues affecting women going on, yet the thing to focus on is whether you may have to wash your hands in the presence of a man.

Original poster
sleepingdragons · 30/05/2018 07:51

it's such a specific set of circumstances isn't it

You're right it is, but it can be generalised to "unexpected situation where you would appreciate privacy from the men / the male gaze"

OP posts:
IIIustriousIyIllogical · 30/05/2018 07:52

So what happens when all hand dryers are the type that you put your hands in?

Where will people do their laundry then??

She's only 5, I'm sure she could have stood there in her pants while you dried her skirt.

sailorcherries · 30/05/2018 07:53

There was a whole thread in FWR about what we use female toilets for aside from going to the toilet.

But are these things that must be done exclusively in front of women? Can they not happen in front of men?

Aside from actually using the toilet I might spray a little deodrant when inside the cubicle or change a pair of ripped tights (in the cubicle). Apart from that there isn't much else that I'd be uncomfortable doing around men - fixing hair, retouching makeup, spritz of perfume, washing hands. They are all very non-descript things that do not require privacy.
On the odd occassion I've used the machine to buy a tampon it's still never frlt any different to purchasing a pack in a supermarket and men seeing.

SmileEachDay · 30/05/2018 07:54

To illustrate that this has little to do with feminism, even when the freaking abortion referendum was going on and in its lead-up, nearly every single fucking thread on there was about trans people and imaginary scenarios about toilets and changing rooms. There are so many more pressing issues affecting women going on, yet the thing to focus on is whether you may have to wash your hands in the presence of a man

There were many threads about the Irish abortion bill.

You don’t see the self ID issue as a priority. That’s your choice. Please don’t belittle or dismiss other women’s valid concerns about it.

PeakPants · 30/05/2018 07:54

How's anybody going to deal with moon cups for example in front of a pile of blokes?

Seriously? You would get pretty short shrift from me if you came out tipping a load of blood down the sink in the ladies. People who use mooncups will tip them into the toilets and wipe them with paper or take a bottle of water in to rinse. Absolutely no reason to empty it out in front of other toilet-users, even in a single sex space. On FWR someone was saying how she has such heavy periods that she always asks random strangers in the ladies whether she has leaked blood and can't do that in a unisex. I would think she was barking mad if she did that to me. I just want to use the loo- not have some group-chat about menstruation in there.

Original poster
sleepingdragons · 30/05/2018 07:55

There are so many more pressing issues affecting women going on I disagree - but I didn't come here to discuss politics in detail - let's start a thread on FWR if you'd like to - although your accusations about the 8th have been answered quite thoroughly over on FWR.

This was a RL situation and I wondered what others would do and what people think about unisex toilets as we're going to see lots more of them. I'm not seeking to change anyone's mind here.

OP posts:
findingmyfeet12 · 30/05/2018 07:55

I only wash my hands or check my hair/makeup in the communal part of public loos. Despite this I prefer single sex facilities.

I hate the idea of unisex loos. I can't give a reason other than I just feel uncomfortable.

PeakPants · 30/05/2018 07:57

There were many threads about the Irish abortion bill.

There were about 3 on the day of the referendum. Very very very little in the lead-up, despite huge campaigning in the months running up to it. Abortion is not just an Irish issue- NI remains hugely affected but the threads that there are don't get much response compared to trans ones. Many of the threads were imagined scenarios, e.g. what if my daughter's teacher tells her to shave her head and call herself Gary.

Original poster
sleepingdragons · 30/05/2018 07:57

On the odd occassion I've used the machine to buy a tampon it's still never frlt any different to purchasing a pack in a supermarket and men seeing.

I would think that was something many women - especially teen girls - might feel uncomfortable with though?

OP posts:
Original poster
sleepingdragons · 30/05/2018 07:59

I can't give a reason other than I just feel uncomfortable.

Yes, I did feel a bit uncomfortable, and suspect some of the men did too.

OP posts:
MrsDilber · 30/05/2018 07:59

I'm on holiday in Cornwall. There is a unisex toilet here, where you can literally see the urinals. My kids are older (and male) but I literally hear the mums with daughters walking in and coming across men weeing, moaning and shuffling DD's away. It's not on and Ill thought out. I'd be pissed off too.

Bibesia · 30/05/2018 07:59

I'm completely bemused by this depiction of the communal area of women's toilets as being the place to sort out problems with your bra or otherwise wander around exposing yourself. In an underwear crisis, it's never occurred to me to do anything other than go into a cubicle to sort it out. Nor have I ever gone into one and seen women using the communal areas for anything more private than washing their hands, and doing their make-up and hair.

As for the notion that men were somehow embarrassed or uncomfortable having a woman using the hand dryer, why on earth would they be? A bit of projecting going on there, I think.

pigmcpigface · 30/05/2018 08:01

"I would think that was something many women - especially teen girls - might feel uncomfortable with though?"

Well, we need to change that. Periods are a part of life, like the need to do a poo. Womens' health and wellbeing would actually improve if we could be more open about this issue. This is true of ordinary women, experiencing normal bleeding, and those with pathologies that remain undiscussed in public because this is still taboo. There is a huge epidemic of undiscussed bleeding issues in women of all ages, and it doesn't get anything like the discussion space and attention it deserves. While the time from symptoms to diagnosis for disorders like endometriosis is OVER A DECADE, we need to campaign for more openness about this issue and its effect on womens' health.

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