To not be able to live up to DH's level of romanticness/obsessiveness?

[frogsinthepond]

I realise I may come off as a bit of an ungrateful b*tch, but my DH's behaviour has become so intense over the time we've been together and lately it has gotten a lot worse and is starting to make me feel so bad that I am not able to reciprocatesee on the same level.

We've been together for 4 years and are expecting our first child. He is lovely in almost every way, I'm his first kiss/girlfriend/wife/everything even though he is good looking, has a good career and is very likeable. He's always been very romantic, but since finding out I was pregnant 6 months ago, it's gotten a lot more intense.

He brings me flowers every day or every other day! I like flowers as much as the next woman, but..
He messages me from work constantly to check up on how I am doing. If I don't reply for 30 mins, he gets nervous and calls. This is intense as I am still working.
He buys me presents at least once a week, books, jewelry, clothes, you name it. We're on an average income and I keep telling him we could probably spend that money some other way. He never spends a dime on himself.
He writes super long, heavy love letters several times a month.
He's made us these homemade photoalbums with stories and pictures of us and he knows NOTHING better than to go through them every weekend. This can take up to an hour and a half each time. It's very sweet but so hard to find something new to talk about every time! (it's starting to feel like I am looking at old pictures with my Grandma!)
He wants to massage me, cuddle, give me footbaths, make love several times a day. Again, this probably sounds lovely, but he gets hurt if I say no because I am reading a book or watching a film.

... and the list goes on.

AIBU to think that this is intense, that this is not the average behaviour from your OH? He has started implying that it makes him sad that I don't seem to want him as much as he wants me which I don't think is fair. Obviously I love him very much, I am carrying his child and I am affectionate but the truth is I do feel it's getting a bit too much. Don't want to hurt his feelings though!

Oh god op, I wish that dh would be more hearts and flowers, but not like this, it is suffocating, controlling and emotionally abusive. That is smothering, somebody who does not respect your wishes is not a good partner.

In a nutshell, this guy is going to end up being a nightmare.

He's obsessive, antisocial, controlling.

Please don't hold up the less overtly domineering aspects of his personality as 'good'. - ie him being ok with you going out and just staying at home cleaning. No. Not good. Extremely weird.

He's already using emotional blackmail to get you to do what he wants. His 'submissive', adoring persona is just that. Even the way he speaks is a giveaway - 'treat you right' - he sees you as an object.

Not good timing but I woudl be rethinking this relationship.

I would seriously doubt that he will be a genuinely good father - an obsessive, controlling one maybe.

Either way, this is really not good, equal or positive and I suggest you either leave or seriously start pushing back. Tell him that you don't like the 'romance'. You don't want to be pressured to be a certain way. You don't like it that he has no friends or interests outside of you. You don't think constant bombardment with presents and letters is lovely, you think it's obsessive and unhealthy.

See what his reaction is. I would put my money on sulking, crying, and emotional manipulation. Because underneath, he's not very nice.

Teddies and roses? Bleugh...

So OP, how are you going to use the feedback you received from the posters on here when it comes to mending your relationship with your husband? I sincerely hope you don't allow yourself to be swayed by some of the fairly gratuitous man-hating offered up as advice. I am no mens' rights activist or someone who cries out 'misandry!' at every opportunity, but isn't feminism meant to be about equality?
Please be gentle when it comes to explaining to your DH why you find his behaviour hard to deal with, trust your own instincts on this and not those of some strangers on the internet.

My ex would even do things like wait for hours outside my house in his car to give me a cuddle once I got home. And he would bombard me with texts all day long and get arsey if I didn’t reply quickly. Looking back on it all now I can’t believe I didn’t just tell Him to fuck off the first time he started behaving like a controlling psychopathic stalker.
Sit your partner down and tell him firmly that the smothering needs to stop. If he gets upset and offended then who cares. He’s an adult and has to learn that manipulative behaviour is never ok

Don't let his snivelling and blubbering shut you down. Hand him a tissue and repeat that he needs to back off. If he switches to stamping his feet and name-calling, then you will need to think about ending this marriage sooner rather than later.

Because it's just possible that this is a well-intentioned but emotionally immature young man (26 is very young) who is capable of learning to behave like a civilised partner. In which case, if you push back hard enough, he will get a grip. Unfortunately, from what you have already posted, it sounds more like a controlling misogynist - you are not a person in his eyes, but an object he owns and wants to play with all the time.
If he doesn't agree to change and make an effort, then you are going to have to get away fast and enlist support from other people to enforce boundaries on this loser and restrict his access to you as much as possible. Men like this are dangerous. They may go down the 'If I can't own you, no one can, least of all you' route to the point they are literally life-threatening.

You are his first and only relationship, which to me tells me he has only got the movies to guide him and doesn't have a grip on reality.

Do you know this to be true? Or has he deleted other relationships from his mind?

A lot of red flags going on

It sounds like he needs counselling for some pretty serious personal issues! The best marriages are partnerships where you're each free to be yourself, with your own independent lives but you CHOOSE to spend time together and share stuff together. No one person can ever meet another person's needs entirely and it's not fair to expect them to, or to demand their undivided attention.

No wonder you're upset by his behaviour.

Please seek counselling to talk about these issues or your relationship is almost certainly bound for destruction. You may well need the back-up of a trained counsellor to help him see that his behaviour is not normal. And by talking through with a mediator, you may be able to gain a better perspective of where he's coming from (which may help with the understandable irritation and frustration you feel!)

How is he going to cope when you have a baby which will require your constant attention for a long time and take it away from him?

This is what I was thinking to. And the fact you feel you cat tell him how you feel for fear of upsetting him is worrying to.

Teddies and roses? Bleugh…

Well, indeed. It makes me a bit cross actually when men think this sort of thing is romantic. There's nothing romantic about trotting out clichéd tripe which isn't what the recipient wants.

I guess you won’t want to make any drastic decisions about leaving him with a baby on the horizon, but he really needs some boundaries put in place before that happens and your time for him is even more limited.

It’s terrible that you’re having to lie about how busy you are at work just to get a break from him. And even then he can’t just leave you be, he’s already sent an email. It’s actually disrespectful, and possibly controlling, that he won’t just give you space when you’ve asked for it.

I bet a lot of it is the fact it’s his first relationship. This is why we have a couple of relationships before settling down usually. To learn how to to behave and regulate our feelings. He’s just too intense, like a lovesick teen.

Fucking teddies and roses an hour after you've left the house, jesus h christ.

Hmm. This sounds exhausting - whenever you tell him that you don't like something he does, he cries? He has learnt that this gets him what he wants. What are his family like?

Realistically, this sounds completely unsustainable. This man needs a hobby or interest outside his wife.

Totally agree with this from Farangatang:
“Please seek counselling to talk about these issues or your relationship is almost certainly bound for destruction. You may well need the back-up of a trained counsellor to help him see that his behaviour is not normal. And by talking through with a mediator, you may be able to gain a better perspective of where he's coming from (which may help with the understandable irritation and frustration you feel!)”

Would he agree to counselling?

I think like most stb parents he has no idea of the incessant nature that is a baby.

You could get one like friends who slept most of the time. Or one like mine that couldn't be put down for the first 11 weeks day or night.
Even after that dd pretty much took up had to be held and carried every where during all of my waking time.

How is he going to cope? I think he probably has some starry eyed notion of what a dad does.

How are his parents relationship.

Does his father buy his mother flowers daily.

If he doesn't could you refer to them in a way that says they have stayed together without the need for daily flowers.

At best in some ways he might be the right man for you just at the wrong time.
He sounds like he should have gone out with a few gfs then settle down with you. Not doing so has meant he hasn't had any experience of girls telling him to back off or finding out what works and what doesn't. Almost like he has missed out on a key part of development.

On the other hand if he continues to manipulate you and not learn from you saying what you like and don't like then

RUN

He sounds like someone who will start to threaten suicide if he doesn't get what he wants. And realises tears aren't working. I wouldn't be comfortable leaving a baby with him.

Actually, I wonder whether this man will willingly have a "normal", non Romantic conversation with the OP without starting a load of Romantic stuff, having to hold her hand / stroke her hair etc. A conversation about whether the Bank of England are going to put interest rates up, the bonus that the guys working at Pret, the recent vote in Ireland. Something that isn't about romance / babies / their relationship and which acknowledges that the OP has a brain and opinions.

If he won't (or gets into a terrible huff / cries because the OP has opinions that differ from his), that means that a PP may be right - he doesn't see the OP as a person in her own right.

Out of nosiness, what does your boss say when your partner is ringing and texting throughout the day? That has to get annoying for your colleagues.

Way over the top. The lack of friends thing rings alarm bells for me. I had an ex who would wait for me to come home from work (lived separately) and if I asked what he had done all day he would say, nothing. And by nothing I mean absolutely nothing, no shopping, watching tv or visiting family, literally sitting on the settee waiting for me.

When I ended it it was textbook begging and pleading, suicide threats then anger.

Hopefully different from your case as you loved him enough to marry him and have a baby but agree with a pp that surely it must affect your attraction to him.

He's recently agreed to councelling for another issue - he gets very jealous/emotional/teary/quiet when he thinks about me having been in past relationships and with other men. This is usually brought up a few times a year where we'd have a row; he says once he has the image in his head, he can't stop thinking about the fact that I've been with other people and it kills him. This is another exhausting issue as I've been faithful to this man for almost 4+ years now; it's not like I am in contact with old boyfriends!

We have an appointment with a counsellor in two weeks time but regarding the jealousy issue above only. ^ I'm thinking it might be best to get it all out in the open and dealt with at the same time.

FFS get rid get rid get rid. You should have binned him before now. He's a total loser and he will not improve.
Counselling may not help, as it's not a highly regulated profession and there are a lot of counsellors who don't know enough about abusive relationships - you don't want some half-trained idiot deciding the problem is that you are 'frightened of your feelings and need to be more emotionally open'.

You need this fucker out of your life for your own safety and wellbeing, and that of your baby. The best thing would be for him to fuck off and find some other woman to fixate on, but if he stays in touch and wants to see the baby, tread really carefully and go for supervised contact. Men like this can flip from 'loving' you to hating and wanting to punish you in horribly destructive ways.

I wonder if pregnancy has triggered some very idealised view of what he feels fatherhood should be. That’s not gonna end well.

Totally agree. He has a very idealised view of what family life and fatherhood should be like. He's already giving you a hard time (through the emotional manipulation) for not living up to what an ideal wife should be...what if the baby doesn't live up to his view of what a baby should be?

I think both issues are totally connected OP. Please make sure you bring this up in the counselling session.

Yes his crying and turning on the emotions is designed to keep you in your place, and not to have a voice. The other extreme is aggression and violence. It seems as though his love for you is not a respectful and mutual love, but and obsessive, controlling one. I don't think I could be in a stifling relationship like this, one where I am not listened or respected. Please don't have anymore children with him, unless he drastically changes and goes for help.

He's very possessive and jealous.
Why do you want this man to be your partner? He sounds creepy, controlling, all the romance is way too much. Are you sure about this?

You really need to put in some boundaries and take back some control.

It may feel unromantic and spontaneous, but explain it as moving your relationship to the next level, establishing a good balance for a long relationship.

Set a monthly budget for gifts, so he can bring you a Cadbury's Creme egg every day, or a box of chocolates once a month.

Explain that work have a personal communications policy which doesn't allow constant non job related contact.

Plan ahead for the weekend "right, let's go to xyz", don't leave time for the photo albums.
Don't get cross, just calm and matter of fact. See what happens.

Your update seems to confirm what 99% of PP's are saying. This is a serious problem, and it's only going to get worse. I feel for you having to deal with this at all let alone during pregnancy.