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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be able to live up to DH's level of romanticness/obsessiveness?

341 replies

frogsinthepond · 29/05/2018 22:07

I realise I may come off as a bit of an ungrateful b*tch, but my DH's behaviour has become so intense over the time we've been together and lately it has gotten a lot worse and is starting to make me feel so bad that I am not able to reciprocatesee on the same level.

We've been together for 4 years and are expecting our first child. He is lovely in almost every way, I'm his first kiss/girlfriend/wife/everything even though he is good looking, has a good career and is very likeable. He's always been very romantic, but since finding out I was pregnant 6 months ago, it's gotten a lot more intense.

He brings me flowers every day or every other day! I like flowers as much as the next woman, but..
He messages me from work constantly to check up on how I am doing. If I don't reply for 30 mins, he gets nervous and calls. This is intense as I am still working.
He buys me presents at least once a week, books, jewelry, clothes, you name it. We're on an average income and I keep telling him we could probably spend that money some other way. He never spends a dime on himself.
He writes super long, heavy love letters several times a month.
He's made us these homemade photoalbums with stories and pictures of us and he knows NOTHING better than to go through them every weekend. This can take up to an hour and a half each time. It's very sweet but so hard to find something new to talk about every time! (it's starting to feel like I am looking at old pictures with my Grandma!)
He wants to massage me, cuddle, give me footbaths, make love several times a day. Again, this probably sounds lovely, but he gets hurt if I say no because I am reading a book or watching a film.

... and the list goes on.

AIBU to think that this is intense, that this is not the average behaviour from your OH? He has started implying that it makes him sad that I don't seem to want him as much as he wants me Hmm which I don't think is fair. Obviously I love him very much, I am carrying his child and I am affectionate but the truth is I do feel it's getting a bit too much. Don't want to hurt his feelings though!

OP posts:
Thespringsthething · 30/05/2018 09:49

I think pps calling him creepy is not helpful. You and he need a serious set some boundaries, he may not be aware of how intense he is being

Well, if had some friends to talk to, maybe he would learn this is not normal behaviour.

If it were just over-enthusiastic hair stroking, that's one thing, but he's calling her all the time at work and getting het up if she doesn't respond within 30 minutes. That IS controlling and totally oppressive behaviour, not just sweet but intense over-affection.

Echobelly · 30/05/2018 09:53

I think his reaction to discussing things will tell you a lot.

Eg, a healthy response would be 'I'm so sorry, I had no idea, I just wanted to show you that I cared and that I'll be a good dad but I've got it wrong, what can I do to make things right?' ie, wanting to listen to you

A poor one would be 'But it's only because I love you, I'm just sorry you don't love me as much' ie Shutting you down and making you feel bad.

TorviBrightspear · 30/05/2018 10:03

The flowers and gifts are him buying your affection. You know, he's bought these for you, so how could you possibly not want to sit and go over the photo albums, or give affection, or answers his calls immediately? They are part of the sticks to beat you with.

This guy is scary, it's taking me back to my relationship with ex.

VikingBlonde · 30/05/2018 10:04

This sounds like he is anxious - yes he is showing it in 'nice' ways but what if it intensifies. You def need a chat about your commitment to each other being strong and true, but that he is getting a bit needy and worried. It will only get worse when the baby is here, if he's like this now. Have a proper sit down chat - wrapped up in lots of reassurance and love but with some clear messages making it through - This stuff he might not even realise he's doing. Flip it round, if it were you obsessively stepford wife-ing, reducing your circle and spending all the kitty on toot he didn't want, he'd probably think you were in need of at least a chat!

good luck

CloudPop · 30/05/2018 10:08

Is your employer ok with you needing to be on permanent alert to react to text messages on your personal phone ?

bizzers · 30/05/2018 10:09

The fact he's let all of his friends go because he's so obsessed with you would be a massive red flag for me.

I think you need to sit him down and have a proper chat with him, OP. Yes, you might hurt his feelings, but you need to make him realise that this isn't normal behaviour.

bizzers · 30/05/2018 10:11

What would he say if you said you were going away on a long weekend with some of your girlfriends?

thatsscottishtender · 30/05/2018 10:12

I had an ex like this years ago. When I tried to end it he threatened suicide. You need to deal with this now before the baby comes along. If it were me I would leave him and put boundaries in place. It will only get worse and when there is a baby involved he will become even more possessive.

puppymouse · 30/05/2018 10:14

Oh my god this would terrify me. Shock

But I do tend to feel more comfortable around people who don't give of themselves very easily, if that makes sense...

iamawoman · 30/05/2018 10:23

Sounds very unhealthy and not sustainable...its is controlling albeit with flowers and gifts...i would also be concerned about behaviour once baby arrives...often men feel rejected who dobt have anywhere near this type of ott behaviour-you will be exhausted tryi g to nurture a baby and keep him happy if he doesnt calm down..either that or he may try to takeover baby duties. I think you need to talk to him bow before bany arrived and say no more work calls/texts as its not professional...sorry but he sounds like the type of man that would flip out big time if you tried to leave him......you need to test the water and just see if you can get him to ease off without feeling rejected or paranoid...if he doesnt...it is a massive red flag

Original poster
frogsinthepond · 30/05/2018 10:24

Thanks for all the replies everyone, much appreciated.

I guess what triggered me to post yesterday was the fact that he started talking about what we should do for our anniversary coming up in a few weeks. He suggested going to Paris for a weekend which would be lovely if a.) I wasn't pregnant and b.) if I thought there was a chance that he'd want to leave the hotel room, but I know it's gonna be intense with roses and massage oil 24/7, so basically like every other week night but in a foreign country. Grin

He doesn't strike me to be self conscious, at least not anymore. He just seems to have lost complete interest in everyone else around him that isn't me or his parents. He's always been pretty romantic and full on, but it has gotten a lot more intense during my pregnancy.

He's also highly emotional, if I try to give him constructive critisism he'd often end up in tears. He cries a lot when he feels under pressure or that he is not doing good enough. It worries me.

Apart from all of this, I do love him and we get on really well. We rarely fight as there's very little to fight about; he is very clean, tidy, does more than his fair share around the house, never really complains about anything, is a hard worker, great with kids and usually has a great sense of humor.

OP posts:
PixieN · 30/05/2018 10:25

I agree with other posters that you need to have boundaries. It’s not healthy that he’s reducing his social circle to focus exclusively on you & the baby. Having said that, my DH doesn’t really have male friends (a couple of close friends live quite a distance away - some overseas). He does like to be by himself though, working on some project or another & hardly ever texts! It sounds like you DH needs some kind of hobby or something else to focus on. Maybe you could give him something practical to do to get ready for the baby i.e building something/decorating the baby’s room?

Do you go out with other couples? I think you mentioned him enjoying being with your sister’s children. What about encouraging him to go out for a drink with her partner or other male members of the family? It might help to widen his social circle.

I’d also get a jar/piggy bank for the baby & tell him whenever he feels the need to buy you flowers he can put the equivalent amount in there instead. Hide the photo albums for a bit too!

Failing that, counselling may help him to deal with any obsessive feelings & feelings of insecurity. I had some counselling a few years ago when my DH & I had some relationship trouble which really helped. In one session I was told to imagine trying to catch/hold on to a butterfly because it’s so special & pretty. You can’t hold on to a person/relationship (esp through fear) as you will damage it & push that person away. A healthy relationship needs a degree of freedom.

Original poster
frogsinthepond · 30/05/2018 10:26

Forgot to say, I will try to talk to him this Friday. I've already let him know today that I will be busy at work today (which is lies, lol), and that I won't be able to text back as much. We'll see how he gets on; he's already sent me a lovey e-mail with pictures of teddies and roses. Sad

OP posts:
Bigfathairyones · 30/05/2018 10:28

I uncomfortable with your behaviour.

I would repeat this as he can’t then say anything about how HE is. This is about YOU being uncomfortable with it. I would suggest counselling.

If he won’t go, I would be seriously considering whether to continue as a couple.

JaneJeffer · 30/05/2018 10:29

How is he going to cope when you have a baby which will require your constant attention for a long time and take it away from him?

It sounds as though you are afraid to tell him how you feel for fear of upsetting him but you need to speak up.

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 30/05/2018 10:30

honestly I feel a bit sick at the thought of 'teddies and roses'.
Besides, what gives him the right to interrupt your work? It is essentially belittling isn't it?
If a wife interrupted a husband's work every 20 mins or whatever, she would be called a 'bunny boiler' or a 'ball breaker', would she not?

Thespringsthething · 30/05/2018 10:31

Of course you get on well, you've already given up trying to live your own life and read books and chill out in your own space, and just allowed his version of life to take over. If you went to Paris, why should what he want dominate? Why can't you say hey, can we go to the Louvre this morning, dinner later would be nice. He's utterly dominating you through his 'kindness' and through crying if you challenge him or don't do what he wants.

Honestly, you sound powerless against his niceness. Can't you see that's actually not nice!

Flamingosnbears · 30/05/2018 10:36

The best thing you can do is talk to him, he may feel a little shut out of the pregnancy as its you carrying the baby, you have all the feelings, developments to go through he may even feel a little jealous as there no greater bond than that between a mother and her baby. Without telling him how you feel he's not to know he sounds very committed and loving, he's sounds like he just wants the memories of your relationship to last bit he doesn't need to go through with you each week.

3333hh44 · 30/05/2018 10:38

Talk to him through his stomach if that will help. What's his favorite meal. But to eat it everyday, it would cease to be special and would become wearisome, boring and you'd be desperate to try other things.

Affection and big romantic gestures would mean a lot more to you if they are occasional. To much, they become mundane and you stop being appreciative of them. The next step is irritation (where you are now). The step after that which he needs to avoid getting to, by changing his ways, is rejecting it all by leading the situation. His choice.

  1. Becomes mundane
  2. Becomes irritating
  3. Becomes something to be rejected.
Zaphodsotherhead · 30/05/2018 10:39

He's going to have to toughen up. Or is he going to cry whenever your child says 'don't do it like THAT, Daddy, Mummy does it properly, like this!'

3333hh44 · 30/05/2018 10:39

Leaving

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/05/2018 10:41

he just insists that he is very committed to me, very old fashioned and likes to make sure that I am treated right.

He wants to make sure you are treated right. Really?? In what way is managing your every move, pestering you at work, pestering for sex and intimacy and telling you how you should manage your free time is treating you right?

By old fashioned does he mean he wants to be the man and in charge? Right now he thinks you’re a dolly and he gets to decide what dolly does.

Neverender · 30/05/2018 10:44

Although it might sound lovely from the outside, my Dsis has similar. Her DH is unable to function without her. He's clingly and messages all the time and she feels suffocated, even after 13 yrs of marriage. She tells me how unattractive he's become as he's like a doormat. Maybe try explaining that to him?

AhoyDelBoy · 30/05/2018 10:49

I think this is genuinely one of the most bizarre things I've read on here! How is this sustainable behaviour? I think you're in for a world of trouble when your baby arrives.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/05/2018 10:51

if I try to give him constructive criticism he’d often end up in tears

The tears are very manipulative. This is a way to shut you up and shut you down. I’m not saying he’s necessarily deliberately turning on the waterworks but that the crying is his way of keeping you in line. Ie he can’t cope with anything that isn’t his way so you have to do what he wants and says.

He is telling you that you are in charge of his feelings and his emotions (which isn’t true) and that being in charge means you have all the power. This is unfair and untrue and is a trick used to get others to succumb to manipulation and abuse. He may not be aware that he’s even doing this. However, the result is you’re just a puppet on a string. Step out of line and he will cry to get you back where you belong.

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