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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

GP-in-law funeral Vs sports day

308 replies

RatOnnaStick · 29/05/2018 20:18

We've decided DH will do the funeral, (his Grandparent), and I will do sports day. It's the first for DS2.

Perfectly reasonable split, we think, but family member organising the funeral is unimpressed.

AIBU to prioritise living children over dead grandad-in-law?

OP posts:
MrsPreston11 · 29/05/2018 21:31

100% reasonable.

My grandfather recently passed. I went to the funeral and my girls went to school.

He was very elderly and been in a home for years and they never knew him really. (Dementia since before they were born)

None of the other young children in the family went. We all agreed it was best that way, so it also wasn’t an issue if partners didn’t as they were needed for school pick up etc.

SoyDora · 29/05/2018 21:31

She says the only person who is bothered is her DH’s uncle who she doesn’t know, so it sounds unlikely that him not helping them out would cause any hardship.

DaphneFanshaw · 29/05/2018 21:33

I am not sure why you posted op. Are you deliberately trying to stir things up a little ?
If you’re not going to change your mind and you’re not bothered about upsetting your dh family, then why do you care what strangers on the internet think ?

ElinoristhenewEnid · 29/05/2018 21:35

Sports day wins every time!

Usernameunknown2 · 29/05/2018 21:36

As long as it is just the uncle. I think OP should do sports day but its worth considering any possible fallout too. DH uncle might be lovely or he could be a manipulative toxic person who will hold a grudge, so it could easily not just end up being him not offering support.

Sadly ive seen that happen for minor slights before.

MsDugong · 29/05/2018 21:36

YANBU. I'd make the same choice as you and your DH.

My husband's family are close emotionally but not geographically. (Not different countries but not the same town either). Two of his grandparents have passed away since we had children. I didn't attend either funeral. This was actually to meet the wishes of my in-laws who didn't want young children at either funeral as they wanted (quiet affairs, free from the awkward questions young kids ask). My DH and my in-laws felt it wasn't 'worth' taking children out of school and dragging them on a longish car journey for the funeral of great parents they didn't know that well.

My DH was upset by both deaths. But he didn't need me at the funerals for support. He needed me to keep things normal for the kids while he dealt with his immediate feelings of grief, etc. He had his siblings and parents for support at the funeral - close family, so they supported each other.

I don't get why so many assume it's the supportive and wanted thing for those grieving to need those who married into the family at a funeral and to have young children dragged along too, especially if it means one misses out on an event that's important to him/her. That all sounds a bit like a "show" of support, rather than actual support to me. Obviously, it's different if the children and spouse had a close relationship with the deceased GP-in-law, but where they didn't......

lardymclardy · 29/05/2018 21:36

Don't think many schools would authorise a day out of school for great grandparent's funeral as not close enough relative.

My DD had 5 days off and fuck what the school thought because my Nan, her great Nan were so close and the best of friends.

The school didn't bat an eyelid. I didn't let them.

lljkk · 29/05/2018 21:41

OP & her DH have worked out something they feel fine about. Nobody else's opinion matters.

thanks for reminding me that sports days are approaching, I just looked up our date & booked it into my diary (no funeral conflicts, luckily).

Moussemoose · 29/05/2018 21:41

The message being sent to the dc and the family is that the child's enjoyment is paramount. Putting children first does not mean giving them everything they want all the time. Children need to learn life lessons starting young with a funeral of an old person who has lived their life is good place to start.

I can't imagine going to any funeral - even that of a stranger - and not wanting or needing my DPs support. I imagine, I hope he always needs and values my support.

ADishBestEatenCold · 29/05/2018 21:42

"I bet if inheritances are dishes out you won’t refuse to benefit from that because they’re ‘not your family’."

GrinGrinGrin

adviceonthepox · 29/05/2018 21:42

I would do the same. I missed my uncles funeral as it was the day of my booking appointment and 12 week scan for my first child. We weren't close and I felt no guilt at not going and attending my scan instead.

HeedMove · 29/05/2018 21:43

My dh doesnt have a grandparent but I do and personally id want his support and my inlaws would go to the sports day.

ineedabagformyhippo · 29/05/2018 21:44

YANBU OP, DH didn't come to my GD funeral, he'd only met him a couple of times so didn't really know him and he'd have had to take a couple of days leave, and I was fine without his support as I wasn't massively close to my DG myself. On the other hand I went to his DG funeral as we were students so time off wasn't an issue, plus he'd been close to his DG so wanted support. Two completely different sets of circumstances so two different decisions.

So whether it's appropriate entirely depends on the individual circumstances. To call you heartless isn't helpful and ignores the relationships in this individual case.

WilburIsSomePig · 29/05/2018 21:47

The message being sent to the dc and the family is that the child's enjoyment is paramount. Putting children first does not mean giving them everything they want all the time. Children need to learn life lessons starting young with a funeral of an old person who has lived their life is good place to start.

Really good point.

BrilliantDarling · 29/05/2018 21:47

I can't imagine going to any funeral - even that of a stranger - and not wanting or needing my DPs support. I imagine, I hope he always needs and values my support.

Seriously Confused

Moussemoose · 29/05/2018 21:51

Funerals are upsetting, my DP and I support each other. Is that really that strange?

I have been to funerals on my own but given a choice I would go with my partner. Funerals are something we do as a family, as a unit, supporting each other and helping each other. At times having my dc at funerals has helped me and at times I have helped them, same for DP. Pulling together as a family.

I don't think that is such a strange concept.

LML83 · 29/05/2018 21:53

If your husband or MIL want you there you should prioritise supporting them through it. As you say they are both fine I can't see a problem with attending sports day.

Probably wouldn't be my choice though. I would get my mum or sister to attend sports day and my dd would accept that as next best thing.

IMBU · 29/05/2018 21:56

If they are young children I would defintely prioritise them over the funeral. Angry relative can judge all they like.

SoyDora · 29/05/2018 22:03

I can't imagine going to any funeral - even that of a stranger - and not wanting or needing my DPs support. I imagine, I hope he always needs and values my support

DH and I must have an awful marriage then Hmm.
At my grandfathers funeral I had the support of many close family members. I didn’t need my DH’s physical presence as well (of course I knew I had his support at home). He was much more useful at home looking after our child.

SoyDora · 29/05/2018 22:05

I have also been to two of my best friend’s father’s funerals without my DH. He has been to his great uncle’s funerals and his friend’s mum’s funeral without me.

ineedaholidaynow · 29/05/2018 22:06

If DH and MIL want OP to attend Sports Day and say that is what Grandad wanted, surely OP is not sending the message that the child's enjoyment is paramount she is respecting the wishes of the 3 closest bereaved/deceased relatives to her, in this instance.

My DH's relatives have stated they don't want young children at an upcoming funeral, so I am not going and staying with DC. I am respecting their wishes. DH fully supports this decision. It would appear I would be upsetting a fair few people on this thread, but I am respecting the wishes of those closest to me.

BlitheringIdiots · 29/05/2018 22:08

DS and me didn't go to DH grandads funeral because (a) son had a pre arranged grading for a sport that day and (b) our only trusted person to take him to it was away and (c) I hardly knew him anyway..... don't worry. Also I wouldn't expect anyone close for example to cancel a holiday if they didn't want to just because I've died because I will still be waiting for them to sort when they get back. Not everyone's viewpoint though.....

tvhearts · 29/05/2018 22:10

Not what I would do. I don't like how you keep saying "he's not my family" sounds really harsh. I think of my husbands family as my family and even if I don't love some of them (MIL! Haha!!) I think it would be much nicer to go the two of you as it looks abit like you don't care but I suppose all families are different. Maybe we are a closer family? Couldn't your mum go to sports day?

tvhearts · 29/05/2018 22:11

@Plumsofwrath 😂😂

SoyDora · 29/05/2018 22:11

Also I wouldn't expect anyone close for example to cancel a holiday if they didn't want to just because I've died because I will still be waiting for them to sort when they get back

My grandmother died when I was 14, on the day that we arrived on a family holiday to Spain (10 days). The rest of the family told us that under no circumstances should we cut our holiday short, and the funeral was arranged for when we got home. My DF was very close to his mum and I was very close to my grandmother.
Life is for living.

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