to expect family not to be ridiculed at my daughters birthday party?

[willothewisp17]

Had a small 1st birthday party in the house on Sunday for my daughter, invited close family and friends. I was quite busy in the kitchen cooking buffet food ect so wasn't always in the thick of things.

Anyway, went and sat down on the couch with my sil and noticed a lot of giggling between her and mil/fil. As it turns out, sil has been having a right fucking laugh at my uncles choice of footwear (sandals, who even cares) and has been snapping photos of him on the sly and having a laugh about it (she showed me the photos, I didn't laugh but let it go at the time).

Am I unreasonable to be annoyed at this? My uncle left early before the cake cutting with an excuse and I can't help but feeling he knew he was being ridiculed! Terrible behaviour, I don't even think there's a point in bringing this up at all to my in laws because they'll just brush it off!

Ahhh OP anxiety is an absolute bitch and very hard to manage - let alone others to have much understanding of.

Your SIL sounds like a babyish little twat. You're not being unreasonable or OCD or OTT In wanting to keep your daughter germ free. It's her first birthday, a HUGE Milestone, particularly as she was so early and her actual day of birth must have been traumatic as fuck all round! Horrible and scary and she must have been a little tiny thing. Big and healthy now though, hooray!

I have a v difficult set of in laws too but you are not in the wrong here. Do bot feel at all bad if you do say something about the licking (eeeeeeew) or the mocking.

In my experience people who mock others are deeply insecure and usually feeling a bit crap about themselves - so they poke fun at other people.

I'm glad your daughter has had a lovely party with super sweet cake and meeting lots of people that are important to you.

Fuck your silly SIL. And give yourself a hue pat on the back for not stripping her there and then. Plus for chucking a party.

It shows a cruel and lacking nature to poke fun at a person because of how they look. I hate this. Shallow, awful people. And taking photos is nasty.

I spent a lot of time cooking/hiding in the kitchen because I can't really stomach them at the best of times

I’m not surprised Willo they sound awful.

Why not invite your Uncle round for lunch or coffee etc so you get some 1:1 time and repair any potential hurt?

*striping as in- giving her a Chelsea smile.

I agree no coolnames OP must be enormously calm and measured not to have staved mil's head in with a spade in the hospital then too! More pats on the back for you!

I've no idea how you put up with that
On the cleanliness front I don't blame how you feel and they sure shouldn't be unkind about it

How old your SIL? Sorry if I've missed that.

@Snowysky20009 she is 30.

Is that 30 months OP?

She sounds like it.

Nasty vile behaviour. I would be sending a clear message about behaviour standards in my home. Your poor uncle and Dad.
No more invites for them. As to your husband, he needs to decide which side of the bread he butters. Rudeness is not acceptable behaviour from anyone at any time but to be rude in your home towards a member of your family is dreadful.
It's like playground bullying and should be treated as such.

Your in laws a pure fucking class OP.
I think the hand licking incident is revolting at best, but taking the piss out of a relative is downright unacceptable.
They sound truly unpleasant.
I’d make sure that DH knows what happened and how you felt and let him know that you will not tolerate that sort of thing in future

I wouldnt invite her to future gatherings at your house. I would explain why. And I would explain to the other relatives too. Behave properly or dont bother being there.
Horrid behaviour.

unbelievable

Viking... WTF? That's vile.

A bully's standard response is usually "it was just a joke"

They always say this to make you feel bad.

I would be inclined to say "well it clearly isn't, as I'm not laughing. I think you'll find that it says more about you than it does about me"

I understand about the prem concerns. I have had three prems, earliest of which was 28 weeks. Left her with exMIL for the first time and come back and the bitch was smoking with her friend next to my daughter. She's lucky she's still alive (exMIL, DD is tough as old boots).

They just sound like arseholes. I think Id be tempted to say to your OH that until he sorts this out and they are resectful, youre not attending anything they will be at and if they call over you will mysteriously find something urgent you need to attend to.

Sounds fine, although correct to into too* would you? X

I'd get your DH to send that message, so that it's clear that he feels the same.
You're absolutely right to address your SILs horrible behaviour, I wouldn't want to accept that sort of bullying behaviour in my house either.

I've sent it, it makes me just as bad as them if I let this slide.

Cut out 'if the shoe were on the other foot'

Your in-law as sound vile.
However, they don't sound like the type to take a telling off so maybe be more indirect...?
Dear x
Thanks for coming to X's birthday party. She had a great time.
It was lovely to have you all here but I was sorry that Uncle X had to leave early.
He has had a horrible time and is still has a lot of pain after his foot operation. I think the comments about his footwear were unkind in the circumstances. I'm sure you didn't know what he has been through at the time but I thought you'd want to know now for when we all meet up again....

Well done willo. That was brave of you because you well know they will not respond well. The pil may come round but sil will be a pain.
But don't make their reaction your problem. You have done the right thing. Do let us know their reply.

They sound absolutely vile!
I'd have sent a much shittier message and I certainly wouldn't be inviting them into my home ever again!
Your poor uncle

It's not just the uncle. The rudeness to op's dad is nasty as well.

Good for you op. They sound pretty horrible. I love the phrase I learned on mumnet, "I didn't appreciate when you/ what you said". It makes the point so quickly. Add why you didn't appreciate it if you want but it seems to shut down a lot of shit. Families have different ways of operating and it's tricky when your in laws get up your nose. But you'd tell your own family they were pissing you off so it's good to have the dialogue and not quietly or passively aggressively seethe.

Well now you don't need to explain to DH why you will be limiting time with them from now on.

Agree that it would be lovely to invite your uncle around for one on one time with your DD. Im not remotely germphobic (and you have good reason to be so I completely understand) but I would be horrified if my SIL decided to lick my DDs hands like that. Awful, awful person.

And for next birthday party invite friends only, hopefully LO will have a few baby friends which will, with their parents, mean the house is too squished for wider family (and have a separate family gathering with your side a few days later). Its what I do .