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Original poster

to expect family not to be ridiculed at my daughters birthday party?

134 replies

willothewisp17 · 29/05/2018 20:03

Had a small 1st birthday party in the house on Sunday for my daughter, invited close family and friends. I was quite busy in the kitchen cooking buffet food ect so wasn't always in the thick of things.

Anyway, went and sat down on the couch with my sil and noticed a lot of giggling between her and mil/fil. As it turns out, sil has been having a right fucking laugh at my uncles choice of footwear (sandals, who even cares) and has been snapping photos of him on the sly and having a laugh about it (she showed me the photos, I didn't laugh but let it go at the time).

Am I unreasonable to be annoyed at this? My uncle left early before the cake cutting with an excuse and I can't help but feeling he knew he was being ridiculed! Terrible behaviour, I don't even think there's a point in bringing this up at all to my in laws because they'll just brush it off!

OP posts:
chattykathyblue100 · 29/05/2018 21:32

I think now is the time to become assertive! Speak to the SIL very firmly and let her know you won't tolerate her behaviour again, the piss taking or the licking! The next phone call would be to your uncle perhaps apologising for not spending enough time with him and inviting him over to spend some quality time with your DD. Your outlaws sound a right bunch!

Jux · 29/05/2018 21:35

Shame her. Tell her that her behaviour is childish and rude. Or tell MIL/FIL, they were joining in.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/05/2018 21:36

I don't understand the angst about your SIL licking cake off your daughter's hand. Not very hygienic but you could have taken your daughter out and washed her hands afterwards; no risk of anything then, is there?

The treatment of your uncle is appalling. I think you didn't say anything at the time because you are intimidated and you don't like causing a scene. Understandable. In your position, as your in-laws really don't seem to have much respect for you or liking for you, give it up as a bad job. Do as previous poster suggested, have two parties from now on and absent yourself from the one your in laws will attend. I would tell them why - and make sure your husband knows that he will be hosting them, you have better things to do.

I couldn't put up with this indefinitely, willothewisp, the longer you do, the longer and more sustained this bullying behaviour will go on. I feel for you, it's horrible. You have nothing to lose though and everything to gain by standing up for yourself when you work out the best way to do it. Thanks

Violetroselily · 29/05/2018 21:39

They sound like arseholes.

Horrible way for adults to behave - I hope your uncle didn’t hear ☹️

Original poster
willothewisp17 · 29/05/2018 21:40

I'd made a few party bags aswell for the kids that came, and had a few extra, so gave one to sil cause she's a bit childish (stating the obvious) and thought she would like it! Turns out, she was rooting through the party bag pulling things out saying 'don't like that, don't like that, don't like that either' Hmm the saying if you've nothing nice to say then say nothing at all comes to mind! She was also criticising the birthday cake I got for my daughter, icing was too sweet! It's a first birthday cake, that was the point, it was meant to be sweet!

OP posts:
Queenoftheblitz · 29/05/2018 21:43

I don't understand the angst about your SIL licking cake off your daughter's hand. Not very hygienic but you could have taken your daughter out and washed her hands afterwards; no risk of anything then, is there?

But it's vulgar to show everyone your open mouth filled with masticated crisps and then lick a childs hand. It reveals a lot about sil - she has little regard for anyone.

PinotMwah · 29/05/2018 21:45

OP I think you should have said something to your SIL at the time -- it may be a little late now - and I think you should discuss with your DH.

I can see he's in a difficult position and as someone else mentioned he may have been conditioned to think this is normal (I have some experience of this and it can be difficult to accept that your family has bad manners). But if, as you say, they treat him badly anyway he may be receptive on this. I'd do it calmly and without appearing to blame him or ask him to take sides but I think you need to gently but assertively make him know you have a red line on the issue of his family disrespecting yours. See how he reacts. It may be that he hasn't really had his eyes opened to it before.

Obviously you have to tolerate these people and you can't declare open warfare on them but you need to let them know you have boundaries or they won't respect you.

RoadToRivendell · 29/05/2018 21:45

Despicable.

Original poster
willothewisp17 · 29/05/2018 21:45

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe my mum told me to just go and wash her hand, but again, they roll their eyes at me enough because of my 'extreme' cleanliness and I just can't take anymore of it. I don't think they understand, for a long time I HAD to be very very clean with my daughter, she was too small and vulnerable! Unfortunately, even though my daughter is much less vulnerable now and a big, healthy girl, the hygiene and cleanliness thing has stuck with me. I have anxiety, I'm on medication, I had sessions with a community psychiatric nurse to combat the things that make me so anxious and am so much better, but what gets me is they know how I have been, they know I've had a hard time yet they still mock!

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 29/05/2018 21:46

It doesn’t matter what their response is, or if they brush it off. It’s important that you say what you need to and established dh where your boundary is( which by the sound of it is in the right place!) . This sort of bad behaviour tends to escalate and I’d get in there and let her know it’s not ok with you.
She sounds awful, a first birthday party is a special thing.

Original poster
willothewisp17 · 29/05/2018 21:49

It was the first time a lot of people that and to the party met my daughter, as I've not been particularly well, and it wasn't just a special day because it was her 1st birthday, it was special because it felt like a step forward for me, people were finally meeting her!

OP posts:
Mxyzptlk · 29/05/2018 21:49

These people sound like badly behaved children. There's clearly no point explaining anything to them or asking them to behave like reasonable humans, as they don't know how.
Avoid them as much as you can. (I guess it's called low contact.)

melodybirds · 29/05/2018 21:50

I wouldn't invite them over. Can't be doing with adult bullies.

Original poster
willothewisp17 · 29/05/2018 21:52

I'll give my husband some credit, he's actually confronted them before about a seperate issue regarding out daughter, but was told to basically get a life, it's just a joke bla bla!

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/05/2018 21:55

Queen definitely agree with you; the SIL sounds awful. She needs putting in her place but willo isn't up to that now, I think? Possibly later on when she stops caring what her vile inlaws think. I wouldn't entertain them, I'd leave them to their son, her not-so-nice DP.

willothewisp, I know, I'm trying to reassure you that your daughter won't have caught anything from that hand-licking, as bad-mannered as it was.

If you had felt able to stand up for yourself you could have taken your daughter out of range of the SIL saying something like, "Urgh, horrid slobber, let's go and wash that off and make you all clean again..".

I don't think you should have to put up with these people. Let your husband deal with them. He can visit them in their homes too actually, not come to your space and home and intimidate you and your family there. I would drop them - certainly until they can behave better and treat you and your family with respect.

It's so easy for me to say what I would have done - I wasn't there, didn't have to face this and think up some non-confrontational but pointed retort to these horrible people... you really do have my sympathies. I wouldn't give them anymore headspace and I wouldn't have them in my home again - if they arranged to visit, I would be out - and daughter would be with me!

I'm really sorry that they ruined what should have been a lovely experience for you.

Bramble71 · 29/05/2018 21:55

Laughing at someone like that and taking photos is the kind of behaviour I would expect in a school playground. I don't think you're being at all unreasonable to be upset.

AcrossthePond55 · 29/05/2018 21:56

The thing is, you should have spoken up at the time and said "Hey, that's my uncle and that's not cool". But I know it's hard on the spur of the moment in situations like this, although it's really what's needed. You don't need to lecture or be angry, but you do need to lodge a protest at their behaviour (which was really shitty!). Their reaction doesn't matter, it's that you spoke up that counts.

At this point I think I'd just message the iLs and SiL privately and simply say that you did not find their laughter and pictures funny in the least and that you do not appreciate them making fun of someone you love (or someone who is family/important to you). And that it is not to happen again in your home.

And the fact that your DH doesn't stand up to them is shitty, too. You can't change the iLs, but you certainly should be having a stern word with your DH! And honestly, I wouldn't want to be around anyone ('family' or no) who takes pleasure at maliciously laughing at anyone.

vampirethriller · 29/05/2018 22:02

Point at her face and say "what's thaaatt??" And laugh.

SandyY2K · 29/05/2018 22:06

Crazy in-laws. How very immature of them.

SallySnail · 29/05/2018 22:10

Nasty, rude fuckers Angry
Your poor uncle Sad

Mammyofasuperbaby · 29/05/2018 22:13

Op I know where you are coming from in regards to the hand licking, which I think some pp don't understand.
My mil tried to lick something off ds's hand (7 weeks prem, severe iugr and feeding issues) and I could have punched her. Turns out she was incubating a cold and it would have landed D's in hospital yet again.
You need to be firm with them and explain that a premature baby isn't like a term baby and the rules surrounding Thier care are there for a reason not because the parents are over protective.
Hope dd enjoyed her first birthday (it's amazing to see our little warriors make it so far isn't it)

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/05/2018 22:20

Mammy, you're right, I didn't understand that. I was thinking that the child's skin wouldn't contract anything from a lick. I guess it can be very serious indeed.

I wouldn't like it anyway, no need for that behaviour and it seems proprietorial almost, not loving, just 'marking territory'. That would actually bother me as the relationships are so strained and you wouldn't behave in such a familiar way (in my book).

Troels · 29/05/2018 22:21

Please stop inviting them round at the same time as your family. They sound vile. I do hope your Uncle is OK.
From the sound of it, nothing you or your Dh says will faze them so just stop bothering with them.

hmcAsWas · 29/05/2018 22:27

Bloody hell OP your in laws are vile people. No, Yanbu Flowers

I don't know what to suggest. I would just tackle it head on and call my in laws out on it. I would phone / text or email them and challenge their behaviour. If my dh couldn't or wouldn't back me up that would cause a big gulf between us. I am not advocating that you do this - just saying what I would do. Not sure that I can offer helpful advice unfortunately

nocoolnamesleft · 29/05/2018 22:29

Mil tried to kiss my daughter on the lips when she was in the special care baby unit with a feeding tube and high flow oxygen but is short and couldn't quite bend down enough into her cot to do so. I don't know why anyone would think that's acceptable? Especially when my daughter had just been moved from an incubator to a cot

If your MIL is still alive, and not buried under the patio, this is absolute proof that you are an amazingly calm, measured, controlled person. That is just so horrendously self-centredly stupid and potentially dangerous thing to do.

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