Aibu to think it’s not a holiday for me?

[shitholiday2018]

We are very lucky. We are away. We self cater as hate hotels and having to be on someone else’s timescales for being up, meals etc.

Every single year I fucking hate it. It’s no holiday for me. I forget in between but I end up doing all the shit still despite being in of two parents. My husband is not unkind but impractical and, frankly, utterly thoughtless. I had a lie in today and awoke to find the kids had just watched tv for two hours. No breakfast. No essential medicine for one of them. Couldn’t see why I was pissed off. Wet towels from his beach bag still in there from yesterday, unwashed. He has to be told to do every minor thing. It’s exhausting and I’ve had enough.

This happens literally every year. I have a tantrum a day or two in and it gets vaguely better. I’m bored of tantrumming, I’m upset and tired of it all. He said today he couldn’t steam broccoli despite there being pans and a microwave and I literally went into shut down. He is extremely bright and does a high pressure job but can’t work out how cook his kids some veg.

I just can’t talk to him because I’m all out of words. This is ten years of holidays and I’m done explaining why it’s not a holiday for me. I’m done giving the same explanations about meds, skin conditions, bed wetting arrangements, how to cook fucking broccoli etc for the millionth time. I’m fed up with being the only parent here. I work too but assume all th childcare resps usually as I do part time and lower pressure. I don’t mind this (genuinely) but think it’s makes him utterly lazy and thoughtless - because in everyday life he never has to think about anyone but himself.

I always make sure everyone eats enough, drinks enough, medical conditions sorted, clothes clean, done enough exercise, de-stressed etc. I like making sure everyone is happy and well. I am self sufficient but sometimes it becomes very clear that there is no one ever doing that for me and I’m bloody fed up of it. My kids aren’t old enough to be responsible, they are completely blameless in this.

I don’t need solutions as there are none. I just want to know if I’m being unreasonable in being utterly fucked off and essentially ignoring him.

I bet he's not naturally thoughtless at work, is he?

At the very least, I wouldn't do anything for him (laundry, meals etc). Time to be thoughtless yourself.

It’s tempting but no way to live? I don’t want to live like that.

Time to think about how you do want to live then.

After 10 years and countless conversations, one thing is for sure, he’s not going to change, so if you want something different you’ll have to change something.

I really feel for you OP. It sounds like you have been telling yourself everything is okay at home while running around after everyone, but when you get on holiday you can’t help but see that it’s not.
I agree that your DH sounds useless, but if he is capable of holding down a responsible job then he is perfectly capable of learning how to look after his own children. He has got away with a lot for the last 10years so it won’t be easy but it is Possible.
I agree that your children do need to take reponsibility for themselves though. When I read your OP I thought you had two toddlers - 7 and 8 are not babies anymore. Why don’t you show them how to make breakfast for themselves then challenge them to do it tomorrow? Or even better ask for breakfast in bed! (Cereal and fruit juice so no cooking). I bet they would love to be trusted to get up alone. And If your husband isn’t going to teach them to be considerate towards you then you need to do it yourself.

I think you need to stop doing things for him and just leave it when he doesn't do things. Don't say anything or solve anything. When he hasn't got any clean clothes or food to eat he will learn. I would suspect he had a mother who did everything and just expected you to pick up her role.

Same for me, my DP doesn’t get it he thinks I should be grateful for going on holiday when it doesn’t really feel like a holiday when your doing all the stuff you do at home. Every time on holiday we go shopping get back to the holiday apartment and he will conveniently need the loo so when he comes out I’ve put it all away, same with unpacking and packing. Something always comes up and he knows I have a short fuse for waiting. I always sort the kids out, clothes food etc... he always says well I’d o the driving (I can’t drive) don’t get me wrong when we do activities he takes the kids no problems, I just feel I’m left with the crappy stuff and he gets all th3 fun stuff. I’ve said to him the last few years he needs to sort himself out as I can bear the responsibility for me, kids and him it’s too much and with a foggy brain and long term illness it’s a bit of a head fuck. He’s always like remind me this remind me that so I tell him no he needs to remind h8mself, or he can go on holiday himself.

Hvave you told him it's the same argument over and over and you are not going to say it again?

Re. Not bringing you a drink. Make a house rule. Whenever anyone gets a drink, they have to shout out does anyone want a drink? Kids get involved too.

It's a mistake talking round and round. Stop waiting for him to see the light. Put systems in place and take action instead. Treat him like an unruly member of staff who needs to be managed. You do not need his consent to do this. You also don't need a perfect plan. Just do it. Something. Anything.

Yeah I think I will empower them more. They do have to help but I tend not to let them get breakfast alone just because of mess. But frankly that’s small fry compared to the big mess that my relationship currently feels.

It’s fine at home because we are even Stevens, equally busy. It’s only on holiday that I realise how little he knows about any of us really. I can’t remember the last time he asked me what I wanted, whether he could make me a coffee, whether I wanted a drink. He is so used to pleasing himself that he just stays in that mode.

I do hope the article will sink in over the next few days. We are clearly not currently friends and that feels awful but I hope it makes him think a bit about how things are and, if nothing else, that I’m not happy and maybe he should be investigating why, if the answer isn’t obvious to him.

I highly doubt that will happen though,if the past is anything to go by.

In terms of action, I will never SC with just our family again, and I told him this tonight. He hates hotels so it will pain him to do different but maybe that will teach him for not pulling his finger out when he had the chance.

I did say I’d said it so many times before that I couldn’t say it again. That’s when he went into the spare room.

We’re a family of 5 and holiday in bungalows / whitewashed apartments within a resort, Try something like HDHotels, or Mestral Lleibzig in Menorca. Both have a choice of AI or SC, prices not extortionate If you book early, and pretty quiet compared to some of the huge resort hotels.
Can’t help with the husband though.

Equally busy doing what though? What's he doing while you're doing the childcare and feeding and laundry?

My dh does his own laundry, I do mine, we share all other laundry. It's perfectly fine. And it's not my duty to feed him, he is capable of sorting a meal.

we prefer eating our pjs hard to swallow I bet.

He hates hotels so it will pain him to do different but maybe that will teach him for not pulling his finger out when he had the chance.

If he's not going to help out or even make you a brew, then he shouldn't get a say on where you go.

It might be better to get your child to be in control of her own medicine. It is empowering. By age 7 I had been giving my own insulin shots for almost 2 years as I screamed to much when anyone else did it. 7, I believe is old enough to manage your medicine by yourself.

Equally busy as in he’s at work and I sort the kids and work part time. He does v long stressful hours and he isn’t around for any of the childcare anyway. I don’t begrudge that as he’s working hard, that’s what I mean. On holiday though we are both equally free so responsibility should be equally divided. It’s tricky going from 5% to 50% but I just want an effort to shoulder some of the mental load.

I never want to end up in s situation where the partner working a 12 hr day comes home to no dinner. I accept that as part of my job during the week. We just need to work on the down time. I’m going to start with weekends- Sundays can be his day to have complete responsibility for the kids and food etc. He’ll need Saturday to come to from work and plan food etc but daddy sundays could work and would mean he then knows how they tick. Properly.

I agree with that approach Op. Totally fine to do childcare and cooking on weekdays but he needs to step on his days off and weekends.

I had some of this early on

For example he'd get up with the baby and when I came down I'd ask 'have you fed/changed/etc to check the state of play and he'd snap at me because I was checking up on him! No just checking whatsdien and what needs doing.

I started with Sunday afternoons - he'd take them to the park so I could rest or clean or start dinner - I loved Sundays!!

I made him promise never to leave the house with checking there was milk and tea bags and make the baby bottles which he did.

I then left him in charge of baths when he was here, he would do every other bed time story as well.

Give him a 'job' something just he's responsible for a build on it.

I think it comes down to motivation. The practical side & details you can "teach him" (urgh, yes I know!) but essentially he has to be on board with the exercise. Not giving your own 7 year old meds just blows my tiny mind. Both staying on the learning curve with the children has been something DH and I have explicitly worked at for over 10 years now and it still does take work. Your plan to have DH take a day at the weekend is a good one. Friday bedtime is another that might work. Personally we started with a checklist of all the stuff I normally do - he asked me to write it, and I wanted to support, not make him learn his lessons by failing - but he also needed space to adapt and develop his own methods.

It's important to engage with him in an adult to adult way, rather than slipping into a parent and child dynamic which will just continue to annoy you. In your conversation he may well adopt a "child" type of approach, unconsciously pushing you towards parent mode. Come back every time in an adult to adult way, don't let him push you into "parent". It might be worth googling these for a better explanation.

Not that it solves the bigger problem, but after not going abroad for many years, AI in a smallish, international aparthotel totally works for us. We do it explicitly for me, to give me a break from the chug chug chug of meal planning and organising. Our autistic child can retreat into eating safe food all week while I sample the whole menu. For fibre, there is grated carrot, sweetcorn etc in the salad bar every meal and plain cooked veg every night, plus fruit at every meal. Food is served over a wide set of times. The children have freedom/responsibility of fetching drinks. No organising of shopping, not even for water.

As you are a SAHP, I think it is part of your role in the family to carry out all housework and cooking tasks(which would include on a self-catering holiday). If I were your DH on holiday from working 12 hours a day, I'd be mightily unimpressed to have to steam vegetables and wash clothes while you laid in bed.

I think you either need to go on non self catering holidays. Or accept your role as a SAHM does come with certain duties and responsibilities rather than palming them off to the working parent.

So when does a SAHP get a holiday?

Do fuck off EdiShowers, where did OP say she’s a SAHM?

But even if she were, if her husband gets annual leave, when’s hers?

@fuzzywuzzy and @EmiliaAirheart

I was a SAHM for a number of years, and I accepted that my role was to support the needs of the working parent at all times. In the OP's case, as a SAHM, I'd agree that she should normally get holidays free from domestic chores. However, as this holiday is self-catering, as a working parent(i.e. her DH), I would expect her to carry out all duties just as she would at home.

I certainly wouldn't entertain me running round steaming vegetables and washing swimming consumes while she lies in bed. If I was working 12 hour days, I'd expect my holiday to be just that.

Oh fuck off @edishowers go piss your b.s. elsewhere.

OP is NOT a SAHM. She works. She also looks after the house and the children when not working.

I imagine her husband's 'stress' loaded job is actually pratting about behind a desk for 8 out of 12hrs too. As most office jobs are (I've spent my working life in them and even at senior management it was still just that) which is not 'demanding' as such just somewhat mentally taxing when poorly managed.

I feel sorry for you @edishowers ... you clearly have never had a life.

I'd take no notice of edishowers opinion Op. Marriage is supposed to be something shared not an obligation to serve.
I hope you can sort things out

I HATE self catering holidays!
My holiday involves me wandering off to breakfast after a nice lie in, finding my sun bed and reaching for my kindle.
I may move during the day to have a swim if I’m hot or to have a sip of my cocktail (extra large straw to avoid inadvertently doing a sit up)
Then, after a nice shower, I get dressed for dinner when I will gaze at the sea, look lovingly at my DH & DC, then hand in hand stroll back to my luxury room.
I do not;
Cook
Clean
Wash up
Go to the supermarket
Make beds
I’m not surprised you’re pissed off OP!

@RomeoBunny

DH was also a SAHD for several months, and I'd have been incandescent if he thought he could roll about in bed on holiday while I ran myself ragged.