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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - location, location, location

128 replies

Cel982 · 29/05/2018 11:24

After many years of moving around due to work, DH and I are finally in a position to buy our first home. It's very exciting. DH has settled into a new job that he likes and sees himself remaining in for at least the next few years. I'm at home with the kids just now but planning to go back to work part-time (ideally two days/week) after DC1 starts school in September.

The area I would like to settle in is close to my parents, who would be happy to help out with childcare for DC2 when I go back to work. In addition, DC1 has got an offer of a place in a really good school there, which would guarantee places for DC2 and any future siblings down the line. So those are huge pull factors for me.

The problem is that settling there would make DH's commute a 40+ minute drive, which he is struggling a bit with. He works long hours, about 8:30am to 7pm most days. At the moment we're renting in a place which is a 20 minute commute for him, which is fine.

The trouble is that there's no real compromise; the area in the middle which would allow the kids to go to the school and still give DH a shorter drive is not somewhere we'd like to live at all. DH has no problem with my preferred area aside from the commute - he gets on very well with my parents and sees all the advantages of living close to them, and is happy with the school (although maybe doesn't feel as strongly about it as I do).

I'm not unsympathetic to him, because an extra 40 minutes in the car on top of a long day's work isn't nothing. It just feels like I/we are being asked to give up a lot in exchange for a slightly shorter commute. And I genuinely don't know if I'm being unreasonable or not. To be clear, DH is lovely, and I know that if he realised how upset I am at the thought of not living where I'd hoped, he would 'give in'. But I don't want him to give in if it's going to make him miserable.

Help!

OP posts:
Languageofkindness · 29/05/2018 11:27

Plenty of people commute way more than 40 mins. It’s life, i’d suggest if you don’t want/can’t afford to live in an area near his work then he’ll have to suck it up.

Tit4TatandAllThat · 29/05/2018 11:27

I don't think yabu. 40 mins is a fine commute, 20 mins is great of course but for long term family happiness I think he needs to suck it up.

LifeBeginsAtGin · 29/05/2018 11:30

My DH does 40 mins - it's nothing. Tell him to have a word with himself.

Can he work from home one day a week?

NCforthisthread18 · 29/05/2018 11:30

If it’s only 20 mins extra each way then it’s absurd to even consider living in an area that doesn’t work for the rest of the family!

You definitely need to talk about it properly!

Bluntness100 · 29/05/2018 11:33

40 mins is a very reasonable commmute. I'm surprised he is concerned about that.

Plus this is a new job for him, he might wish to stay for a few years but who knows what will happen.

I'd say he's being very unreasonable.

theycallmebabydriver · 29/05/2018 11:34

If it's 40mins door to door in rush hour traffic then I think he's being a bit precious. However I used to do a commute which on paper was 45mins but actually took 1hr 20 on average and it only took one broken down car or other incident to make me late it was very stressful and tiring and I got a new job in the end as it just made me miserable.

Racecardriver · 29/05/2018 11:34

40 minutes really isn't that much. At my sons school it is common for parents to drive 40 muns to the school, then 20 mons to the train station, then hour ten minutes on the train to London.

carribeanqueenmumofthree · 29/05/2018 11:35

A 40 min commute is really not that bad, when they pay off is everything you've mentioned. Sure 20mins is better, but 40 is pretty standard (if not short) relatively speaking.

MatildaTheCat · 29/05/2018 11:36

Show him some figures. Cost of housing and childcare in area A, where you are now or nearby. Cost of housing and amount saved in childcare in area B. That plus schools and possible career prospects for you.

40 minutes isn’t nothing at all but it’s nothing compared to most people. Get him into some fantastic podcasts, he will soon look forward to the drive time!

PS. Tell him how you feel. Smile

Original poster
Cel982 · 29/05/2018 11:36

Thanks all. I agree, really. I think the problem is that he's spent the last few years doing 60+ minute commutes, so now the much shorter one just feels like such a relief to him and he's loathe to give it up. He's really not unreasonable generally, he's just become a bit blinkered on this issue.

Working from home not an option, no.

We could afford to live near his work, that's not the issue. It just would mean that we'd have to find another option for childcare (happy to pay for it, but would much rather DC be looked after by family if possible), and would be scrambling to find a school place for DC1 for September - it would be a 'take what you can get' situation.

OP posts:
NotAnotherJaffaCake · 29/05/2018 11:40

What does 40+ minutes twice a day look like in reality? On top of a long day I think you are being unreasonable to be honest. You are happy to make things easy for you for the possibility that you might go back to work, but aren't willing to compromise for your DHs actual reality now. Doesn't seem that fair.

I see loads of situations like this where the wife lives close to her family, has a nice easy part time gig, hot and cold running grandparents to make her life easy, and the poor DH is doing long commutes and long hours whether he wants to or not.

PrimalLass · 29/05/2018 11:40

YANBU. His hours mean that you are holding the fort at home, so being by your parents is ideal.

Allthebestnamesareused · 29/05/2018 11:40

40 minutes where I live is less than 5 miles!

It is pretty unusual in this day and age to have a commute of less than that if you are working in a town due to the traffic issues.

NotAnotherJaffaCake · 29/05/2018 11:41

Also,many people on here would think it's much better to pay for childcare than rely on grandparents, based on their experience!

BarbaraofSevillle · 29/05/2018 11:43

Does he have to do such long hours?

What sort of job is it? Even if he has an hour for lunch, which can be a waste of time in many cases, he's doing 47.5 hours a week - no coincidence that this is half an hour less than the 48 hour limit that would require him to sign a WTD opt out?

PrimalLass · 29/05/2018 11:43

You are happy to make things easy for you for the possibility that you might go back to work, but aren't willing to compromise for your DHs actual reality now.

Surely that's unfair? The DH can't be involved in the wraparound childcare regardless, because of his hours. So this will allow the OP to get back to work.

Trinity66 · 29/05/2018 11:44

If he's working 10+ hour days, I can see why the commute would be a big deal to him tbf

user139328237 · 29/05/2018 11:44

YABU.
It would make more sense for you to drive 40 minutes twice a week to drop your younger children at your parents than him to do it each day.

KirstenRaymonde · 29/05/2018 11:46

40 minutes is nothing and perfectly normal, he needs to get a grip. Very few people have the luxury of living 20 minutes from work.

theWarOnPeace · 29/05/2018 11:46

This is surely a no brainer?! Yes he has an extra 20mins on his commute but the kids will have it way better, and 40mins total commute is nothing for most people. Location/nice area and near to school, GPs and free childcare is everything!

RedSkyAtNight · 29/05/2018 11:46

It depends on priorities. We've chosen to live in a "less nice area" because we prioritise minimising commuting.
40 minutes might be "normal" but that doesn't mean it's something to be desired.

Can't you live where you are renting at the moment (is this the "not like to live there" area?) - if this is close enough to school to be offered a place?

Bibesia · 29/05/2018 11:48

I'd regard a 40 minute commute by car as a luxury, as my current commute is well over an hour and involves one, possibly two buses and and an invariably overcrowded train.

NotAnotherJaffaCake · 29/05/2018 11:48

Minimising the H' commute means there is a possibility he could do a school drop off for a breakfast club. No chance of that if he has a 40 minutes commute. Maybe the DH might want to have some ability to be involved in childcare rather than just outsourcing it to GPs?

Bibesia · 29/05/2018 11:50

It would make more sense for you to drive 40 minutes twice a week to drop your younger children at your parents than him to do it each day.

But that doesn't resolve the school issue.

Also, if OP can get a house near a good school, that will make it a good investment.

Celebelly · 29/05/2018 11:52

Honestly, I wouldn't do that commute working those hours. One hour and 20 mins driving every day on top of an eleven-hour work day? I'd be miserable, so I'm not surprised he's not keen. Normal or not, it's not a lifestyle I would want. It sounds exhausting.