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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - location, location, location

128 replies

Cel982 · 29/05/2018 11:24

After many years of moving around due to work, DH and I are finally in a position to buy our first home. It's very exciting. DH has settled into a new job that he likes and sees himself remaining in for at least the next few years. I'm at home with the kids just now but planning to go back to work part-time (ideally two days/week) after DC1 starts school in September.

The area I would like to settle in is close to my parents, who would be happy to help out with childcare for DC2 when I go back to work. In addition, DC1 has got an offer of a place in a really good school there, which would guarantee places for DC2 and any future siblings down the line. So those are huge pull factors for me.

The problem is that settling there would make DH's commute a 40+ minute drive, which he is struggling a bit with. He works long hours, about 8:30am to 7pm most days. At the moment we're renting in a place which is a 20 minute commute for him, which is fine.

The trouble is that there's no real compromise; the area in the middle which would allow the kids to go to the school and still give DH a shorter drive is not somewhere we'd like to live at all. DH has no problem with my preferred area aside from the commute - he gets on very well with my parents and sees all the advantages of living close to them, and is happy with the school (although maybe doesn't feel as strongly about it as I do).

I'm not unsympathetic to him, because an extra 40 minutes in the car on top of a long day's work isn't nothing. It just feels like I/we are being asked to give up a lot in exchange for a slightly shorter commute. And I genuinely don't know if I'm being unreasonable or not. To be clear, DH is lovely, and I know that if he realised how upset I am at the thought of not living where I'd hoped, he would 'give in'. But I don't want him to give in if it's going to make him miserable.

Help!

OP posts:
Saltcrust · 29/05/2018 11:53

I personally would always prioritise schooling over everything else.

viques · 29/05/2018 11:55

I am wondering how you managed to get a place in a "really good school" which you are "very happy" about but which is by all accounts a twenty minute drive from your rented place ( passing athrough an undesirable area en route) but fortunately very close to where your parents live!

Though of course I expect you used your real address on your application and not your parents address and were just very lucky it was a low birth year in the catchment area..........

Hmm
Mosaic123 · 29/05/2018 11:55

Is there no public transport to his work place? He would get to read a book or listen to a podcast.

BarbaraofSevillle · 29/05/2018 11:59

In most places using public transport take considerably longer and cost more than using a car unless he is travelling to a city centre.

NotARegularPenguin · 29/05/2018 12:00

The 40 min commute isn’t a problem ......apart from it’s a problem because he works such long hours. Maybe it’s actually his long hours which is the problem? Why on Earth is he working over 10 hours a day?

MovingThisYearHopefully · 29/05/2018 12:05

What theycallmebabydriver said. How far away is the work place & how realistic is the 40 minutes? I drive my DC 3.5 miles to college & it takes me half an hour at rush hour but only 10 minutes at quieter times. Have DH or you actually tried out the journey at the times he would be driving? Driving during rush hour can be incredibly stressful with all the idiots on the road, in particular on the M25.

Momo27 · 29/05/2018 12:09

40 mins commute wouldn’t be a big deal for me. But if he’s doing that 5 days a week on top of long work hours, and you’re not working at the moment and plan to possibly just work 2 days a week, then I think YABU. There will be good schools in other places, and even if you end up with a longer commute, it’s a lot easier doing it 2 x a week than 5 x.

DisturblinglyOrangeScrambleEgg · 29/05/2018 12:13

It's hard going back to a longer commute after enjoying a short one.

Is there anything that can make it more palatable? Comboing going to the gym part way, or shifting the hours so it's a quicker journey?

When it comes down to it, it sounds like there's going to be a trade off - do you have any idea where you might find work? Might that swing it a bit more one way?

SunnyCoco · 29/05/2018 12:13

40 mins by car is a pretty cushy commute

Especially when it makes life better for the entire family
Free childcare for nights out is something I dream of! X

Shadow666 · 29/05/2018 12:23

I think you'd be better living closer to his work. His work is a certainty and I'm sure you'll find a school that is just as lovely where he works.

Returning to work is hard and it's not always easy to find family-friendly jobs. You don't know what will go on with your parents and whether they really will be happy looking after your kids long term.

As your kids get older it will be nice for them to see their dad in the evening.

WeAreGerbil · 29/05/2018 12:23

Being close to grandparents is a godsend when kids are too sick to go to school in my experience if they are able to provide that sort of care. Mine saved me from having to take many days off work.

MumofBoysx2 · 29/05/2018 12:24

40 mins a day isn't a huge amount, but then again he works really long hours so an extra 13 hours travelling a month on top of what he is already doing is significant. I think buying a house near decent schools is wise over a not-so-nice area as it would be a better investment. Also, with schools, there are often times you need to go more than once in a day (clubs or whatever) and that would be a pain. Could your husband negotiate his hours a bit so the commute isn't so much? If he cold work a long day a week at home, then he would gain back the time he would lose travelling over what he does now.

MumofBoysx2 · 29/05/2018 12:24

No work is a certainty these days! School is more so!

BackforGood · 29/05/2018 12:25

If it's 40mins door to door in rush hour traffic then I think he's being a bit precious. However I used to do a commute which on paper was 45mins but actually took 1hr 20 on average and it only took one broken down car or other incident to make me late it was very stressful and tiring and I got a new job in the end as it just made me miserable.

this ^

and this.....

I am wondering how you managed to get a place in a "really good school" which you are "very happy" about but which is by all accounts a twenty minute drive from your rented place ( passing athrough an undesirable area en route) but fortunately very close to where your parents live!

Obviously you are trying to sell us your side of the argument, but it seems odd to me that you 'don't think you can guarantee a good school where you are', and yet seem able to guarantee a good school where you aren't even living. Didn't you apply for school in the normal way, in January ?

I've every sympathy for your dh, tbh. He seems to be working inordinately long days. Is that not something that could be looked at ?

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 29/05/2018 12:28

I don’t think, in most circumstances is unreasonable, but I think it may well be in this one. He works a long day, so won’t be getting home until 8pm, leaving you to do the childcare. Fine if you’re happy with that, but it might be difficult long term.

Pleasebeafleabite · 29/05/2018 12:29

I’m never one for advocating a long commute but the school places you have obtained would swing it for me in your favour

Could he do fewer hours once you are back at work?

pigmcpigface · 29/05/2018 12:34

Assuming a 40 minute commute means a 40 minute commute then I don't think it's that much extra. It takes that long to drive 3 miles in my city in the rush hours.

Look into his hours and see if there's any flexibility to reduce them or to work in a more efficient way.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 29/05/2018 12:35

If I was married to someone working 2 days a week and had to leave the house at 7.45am returning circa 7.45pm daily with no option to work flexibly, due to their personal preference; I'd pretty much expect that all things on the domestic front were handed over to my partner without complaint.
If you're happy with that and the impact that could have on your relationship and ability to do more than 2 days a week longer term then fire away.
Also factor in what happens if the arrangement with your parents doesn't work out / is too much for them.

For context I have a 1.5 hr commute daily as does my DH giving us a similar timetable to your husband, less an hour unless late meetings. We moved for schooling reasons mostly. 40 mins is completely manageable but you should consider whether you are the type of person to reappear on Mumsnet in a year complaining that he doesn't pull his weight domestically and your employment options [plus pension etc] are limited due to his long commute.

Original poster
Cel982 · 29/05/2018 12:42

I'll try to answer a few of the questions.

We're not in the UK; school catchment areas don't apply here. Places in non-denominational schools are like hen's teeth, so getting this one was a huge deal. We were still living abroad when we had to put DC's name down for schools; we had no idea where we were going to be living so applied over a wide area and were thrilled to be offered this one.

DH's hours are par for the course for his type of job; he's in a well-paid profession. His contracted hours are shorter but the long days are a necessary evil. He could drop a day but not shorten his days, if you know what I mean, but that would impact on our ability to pay a mortgage. There is no possibility of working from home. We are not in conflict over working hours, I promise; he is really happy with his job. And is happy for me to do whatever I prefer with regards to going back to work. Our profession (I'm in the same job) is crying our for staff so I don't foresee difficulty in getting a job myself. And I'm conscious that if I want to get back into my career, I will need to return to work sooner rather than later.

Believe it or not, I'm genuinely trying to be fair and present things as they are. I want us all to be happy with whatever we decide.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cel982 · 29/05/2018 12:44

I've been carrying the load domestically for the last four years, I'm happy to continue to do that but obviously living near family would make that a little easier. The long hours are not a new thing.

OP posts:
pigmcpigface · 29/05/2018 12:45

If you are going to up your hours, though, can't he decrease his? It sounds like two people each working 4 days a week would be pretty much ideal.

Original poster
Cel982 · 29/05/2018 12:48

If you are going to up your hours, though, can't he decrease his? It sounds like two people each working 4 days a week would be pretty much ideal

He could; he was originally working 4 days but took on an extra role that was a good opportunity for him. He wouldn't be keen to reduce at this stage.

OP posts:
NorthernKnickers · 29/05/2018 12:49

He will get used to the drive...I really don't see 40 minutes as very much of a commute to be honest (although I understand why he'd not want to give up his current 20 minutes). My drive is 50 minutes (on a good day!) and I'm out of the house from 6.45 until 7...that's life 🤷‍♀️

bunce · 29/05/2018 12:49

40 Mins each way is 80mins a day , 6.5 hours a week 14.5 days a year in a car. A lot of extra cost in Fuel. If i could halve that time I would. Thats a full week of his life he gets back from being behind the wheel. Live where you do currently - get yourself a car and drop off the kids to grandparents.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 29/05/2018 12:54

So he will be leaving home at approx 7:45 am and returning about 7:45pm assuming there is no traffic. Will he be expected to be doing his share of the housework as well.

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