AIBU - location, location, location

[Cel982]

After many years of moving around due to work, DH and I are finally in a position to buy our first home. It's very exciting. DH has settled into a new job that he likes and sees himself remaining in for at least the next few years. I'm at home with the kids just now but planning to go back to work part-time (ideally two days/week) after DC1 starts school in September.

The area I would like to settle in is close to my parents, who would be happy to help out with childcare for DC2 when I go back to work. In addition, DC1 has got an offer of a place in a really good school there, which would guarantee places for DC2 and any future siblings down the line. So those are huge pull factors for me.

The problem is that settling there would make DH's commute a 40+ minute drive, which he is struggling a bit with. He works long hours, about 8:30am to 7pm most days. At the moment we're renting in a place which is a 20 minute commute for him, which is fine.

The trouble is that there's no real compromise; the area in the middle which would allow the kids to go to the school and still give DH a shorter drive is not somewhere we'd like to live at all. DH has no problem with my preferred area aside from the commute - he gets on very well with my parents and sees all the advantages of living close to them, and is happy with the school (although maybe doesn't feel as strongly about it as I do).

I'm not unsympathetic to him, because an extra 40 minutes in the car on top of a long day's work isn't nothing. It just feels like I/we are being asked to give up a lot in exchange for a slightly shorter commute. And I genuinely don't know if I'm being unreasonable or not. To be clear, DH is lovely, and I know that if he realised how upset I am at the thought of not living where I'd hoped, he would 'give in'. But I don't want him to give in if it's going to make him miserable.

Help!

40 mins by car is a pretty cushy commute

Especially when it makes life better for the entire family

How will it make life better for the dh, who is the one who actually has to do it?

"He could; he was originally working 4 days but took on an extra role that was a good opportunity for him. He wouldn't be keen to reduce at this stage."

So he has CHOSEN long working days. I think this really changes things. If someone choses advancement with long hours, then they choose everything that goes with it - including commute time. I think it's unreasonable of him to say "I want to have this prize in my career because it's meaningful to me, but I am unwilling to do an extra 40 mins travelling a day so that my family can have something that means something to them'. Especially as his career choice must have meant him abnegating much of his responsibility for family life and duties.

Oh, and the 40 mins is with average-heavy traffic. Midday, Google maps puts it at 24 mins. I've been doing a LOT of Google mapping...

When do your children get to see their father? Do you have a set up where he leaves before they wake up and gets home after they are in bed? I expect you certainly will if you double his commuting time. I grew up with that kind of set up and it was shit. I don't think my father minded it at all, to be honest, he was happy to leave all childcare to my mother. But for us children it was very upsetting.

Personally I'd be doing anything to ensure your children spend meaningful time with both parents every day, or at least most days. It sounds to me that your proposed move would be shifting the work-life balance for your DH in the wrong direction when it's already far from ideal. Relationships with parents are absolutely the most important thing in my opinion.

I also don't think a 40 minute commute is 'nothing'. I think long commutes have been very much normalised in our society but I don't see this as a positive. Over an hour in a car every working day, on top of what is much more than a full-time job - sounds absolutely miserable to me.

Why not rent in your parents' town and see how it goes? If your DH hates the commute you can then move elsewhere, having secured the school place. Maybe a longer school run for you would work instead?

My DH commutes 45 minutes and has never moaned. I'd hate if!

Is there an easier/faster commute for your DH - on the train, for example?

So he has CHOSEN long working days.

He has, I suppose, but he's done it largely to provide for his family so I don't see this as something negative. His work has enabled me to be at home with the kids for their early years, which is important to me. Equally, me being at home has facilitated his career progression, and he's conscious of that. It would be impossible for us to both to have pursued our careers full-tilt without getting a nanny or something...

Moving near your DH works mean you must put your DC in childcare and no doubt you’ll be the one running round doing drop off and picks. Your two days working will be very constricted.

I’d move near your parents. On hands family help is invaluable. If DC are unwell, if you run late, I imagine all that will be easier to manage with your parents help (assuming they are happy to).

An extra 20min each way for your DH doesn’t counter balance all the advantages you get as a family.

Especially if you feel it’s time for you to start getting your career back on track - living near your parents gives you both support with your working lives.

I’d have a different view if you said DH is very happy to pick up all family work on the two days you’ll be working out of the home - drop off and pick up, making lunches/dinner, taking days off work when either child is ill etc. If that’s the case (and I suspect not), then more thought has to be given to what is best for you as a family.

Also I’ve used both childcare and had help from family. My DC love it when family look after them, which I’d factor into the equation too if it were me.

I think that connote is fine as long as it is actually 40 minutes. I live 15 minutes from my workplace but it actually takes 50 min on a weekday morning sadly

*commute

When does he see his children? If the shorter commute allowed him to see them over breakfast/before bedtime I’d go for that tbh - otherwise his time with children is restricted to weekends and holidays which isn’t good for anyone involved.

You could easily drive 20 mins to your parents for drop off, could you not take the kids to the school you have an offer for - a 40 mom school run when you aren’t working feels more fair than a 40 min commute on top of a long working day. Certainly it’s no less reasonable for you than a 40 mins commute is for him

Moving halfway seems like a compromise that won’t really work for everyone apart from DH though?

The DC will have a commute each morning and evening. I think living close to a school is important for DC - play dates, weekend parties, impromptu trips to the park, etc are mush easier (obv I know it’s not always possible to be close to the school).

he's done it largely to provide for his family

My father worked long hours 'to provide for his family' as well (I perceived it, and still do to be honest, as him valuing his career over his family and preferring work to our company). I won't speak for everyone, but I think most children, including myself, would rather have less materially speaking and a present father. He should ask himself what sort of relationship he wants to have with them in the future because if he doesn't put the time in now when they are young, he may well regret it. I strongly believe it's not fair on children to shift all or nearly all parenting responsibilities onto one parent unless this is actually unavoidable.

A 40 minute commute is nothing-especially when it means YOU will get support from family and your kids will get into a decent school.

40 mins by car is a pretty cushy commute

Especially when it makes life better for the entire family

but it doesn't make life better for DH who has the longer commute (even if it really is only 40 minutes ... and IME the longer the commute, the more chance of traffic holdups and it becoming even longer).

and it doesn't make it better for the DC who will basically not see their father on working days.

and it doesn't make it better for OP, who will be saddled with all the child looking after

OP says she would like to work 2 days a week while her parents provide childcare, but is this a realistic expectation? It would be nigh on impossible to walk into a 2 days a week job in the UK, especially having had a career break. Would her parents provide more childcare if she had to work more days? Is there any possibility they will find it too much (this scenario replayed all over MN, where GPs who'd promised childcare aren't able to deliver) in reality? I'd personally disregard the school at this point. DC is young, schools (and school arrangements) can change.

I agree with the poster who suggested renting to start with (maybe even in the area you have disregarded?)

Do they offer flex time? My DH has a 40min commute but longer in traffic. He leaves very early to start at 6.30 or so, then is home early and missed the heavy traffic. Many do this in our city.

When does he see his children? If the shorter commute allowed him to see them over breakfast/before bedtime I’d go for that tbh - otherwise his time with children is restricted to weekends and holidays which isn’t good for anyone involved.

You could easily drive 20 mins to your parents for drop off, could you not take the kids to the school you have an offer for - a 40 mom school run when you aren’t working feels more fair than a 40 min commute on top of a long working day. Certainly it’s no less reasonable for you than a 40 mins commute is for him.

The area I'm keen to move to would be a 15-20 min drive to my parents - I'm not asking to move next door to them We've honestly both been racking our brains to find a nice place to live that would enable reasonable commutes to both work and school, and close enough to GPs for them to be able to help out. It doesn't exist. I just don't see how, if I did go back to work, I'd be able to drop DC1 to the school, DC2 to GPs and still make it to work for 9 (and most jobs in my field start earlier than that) unless we were living fairly close to all three. Moving closer to his work would mean giving up the school place and probably the GP childcare. And neither of those things are the end of the world, I know that.

As to when he sees the kids... he has a late start one day a week (sorry, I thought I'd put that in the OP but obviously didn't) so he brings DC1 to nursery that day, which they both love. He's back to put her to bed almost every night, and sees DC2 then, although not for long. DC2 sleeps in our bed. And they're both up before he leaves in the morning.

As long as you dont post here that your DP is never home because of your choices then thats ok I suppose. People react to driving in different ways. For some a 40 min drive is no hassle. Others its a nightmare. Is it only one route really - will an accident cause huge delays and are you prepared for DP to not be home to any given schedule.

Remember, he may have chosen longer working hours when the commute was shorter. Your choice to move where you want means he has a longer day.

Also, will you be able to get a job closer to home or are you moving yourself away from where your career would be best served?

the issue isn't the length of the commute, it's that your DH is already doing very long hours, so another 40 mins on his day feels like a lot as that's 40 mins of his relax time.

Can he get that relaxation time back any other way? Can you acknowledge that you're disadvantaging him for the sake of everyone else and find a compensation?

I'd do the move with the good schools, but I'd look to find a way to make DH's lot better in other ways, and also at the end of the day, he needs to have a plan to cut his working time by dropping back to 4 days etc.

My commute on paper should be 20mins max, however during rush hour &factoring in drop offs at childcare it actually takes me well over an hour & the slightest traffic problem I can be sitting for over 2hrs so it may well be he knows 40mins is only on a good day & infact will take much longer.

Do the GP know they’re providing childcare? We moved to be close to DH’s family and I still found an excellent nursery for the DC. They do the odd bit of baby sitting and emergency childcare but even then they still spring last minute days away when they’re supposed to be having them.

I'm bit shocked at everyone saying 40 minutes is too long. Is it really that unusual? Surely anybody who lives outside a large town or city and commutes in faces at least this amount of time.

my dh does a 40 min commute by foot each way, each day. He loves it - exercise. The point is that it matters to her DH isn't it?

I'm bit shocked at everyone saying 40 minutes is too long

It is too long. It's bad for the environment and mental health to spend that long in a car every day.

it might now be "normal" but that doesn't make it a good thing. In years gone by, people tended to live much closer to their workplaces.

As to when he sees the kids... he has a late start one day a week (sorry, I thought I'd put that in the OP but obviously didn't) so he brings DC1 to nursery that day, which they both love. He's back to put her to bed almost every night, and sees DC2 then, although not for long. DC2 sleeps in our bed. And they're both up before he leaves in the morning.

That sounds not ideal, but acceptable considering life is very rarely ideal. But will that continue once he has a longer commute?
To me the obvious solution would be do the move, but you start working more and he starts working less. Just basically try to make things more equal and balanced in all respects. That's what I would personally be aiming for, but I appreciate different people have different priorities and values.

I'm bit shocked at everyone saying 40 minutes is too long. Is it really that unusual?

Lots of things are 'usual' in our workaholic society that are not actually positive or even neutral. A 40-minute commute might be OK on top of a 6-hour working day, or even 8 hours. On top of 10 hours? It's OK to stand up and say actually this is not good for us or for our families, a proper work-life-family balance shouldn't be a luxury and a lot of people's priorities are way out of whack. Sadly working yourself into the ground is seen as a virtue rather than a folly by many.