AIBU - location, location, location

[Cel982]

After many years of moving around due to work, DH and I are finally in a position to buy our first home. It's very exciting. DH has settled into a new job that he likes and sees himself remaining in for at least the next few years. I'm at home with the kids just now but planning to go back to work part-time (ideally two days/week) after DC1 starts school in September.

The area I would like to settle in is close to my parents, who would be happy to help out with childcare for DC2 when I go back to work. In addition, DC1 has got an offer of a place in a really good school there, which would guarantee places for DC2 and any future siblings down the line. So those are huge pull factors for me.

The problem is that settling there would make DH's commute a 40+ minute drive, which he is struggling a bit with. He works long hours, about 8:30am to 7pm most days. At the moment we're renting in a place which is a 20 minute commute for him, which is fine.

The trouble is that there's no real compromise; the area in the middle which would allow the kids to go to the school and still give DH a shorter drive is not somewhere we'd like to live at all. DH has no problem with my preferred area aside from the commute - he gets on very well with my parents and sees all the advantages of living close to them, and is happy with the school (although maybe doesn't feel as strongly about it as I do).

I'm not unsympathetic to him, because an extra 40 minutes in the car on top of a long day's work isn't nothing. It just feels like I/we are being asked to give up a lot in exchange for a slightly shorter commute. And I genuinely don't know if I'm being unreasonable or not. To be clear, DH is lovely, and I know that if he realised how upset I am at the thought of not living where I'd hoped, he would 'give in'. But I don't want him to give in if it's going to make him miserable.

Help!

Either he compromises or you and the children compromise.

Your set up sounds a lot like yours OP. We went for the longer commute. I'll tell you the down sides we've experienced. Firstly the long commute is often a lot longer due to traffic - think 75 min each way. Secondly dh sees virtually nothing of the kids during the week. I do all the school runs, dinner times, bed times - and now they're older, after school activities too. That wasnt so bad when they were little, but now I work 3 days a week it's really tough - Im always rushing somewhere, fly in, chuck dinner down, child 1 to x activity, child 2 needs to do homework. Dh and I sit down together for an hour each evening, if we are lucky.

If we had our time again I would choose to live closer to his work so our his work/my work/homelife balance could be, well, more balanced.

Could you live a healthy 25 mins WALK from dh work and choose the local school and local childcare?

If catchment areas aren't an issue why do you have to live so near the school? Can't you live nearer work to facilitate a shorter commute?

40 mins isn't too bad, but on top of long days I can fully see why he wouldn't want to.

I think in your position I would look at houses in both areas until one of you loves one enough to make the necessary compromises. That’s not necessarily him, but I hope that it might be, as I can see the family network being a great asset.

I am interested in how you go about reducing your hours?

Dp works contracted hours and then some more. I don't think he could reduce his hours even if he wanted to. He has never heard of anyone who started full time then saying they wanted to knock a few hours off their time .

Dp works contracted hours and then some more. I don't think he could reduce his hours even if he wanted to. He has never heard of anyone who started full time then saying they wanted to knock a few hours off their time.

Sorry, I’m not being deliberately vague, just don’t want to out myself too much. DH works for two different employers; the second one, which he started more recently, is just one day per week. He could certainly drop this job once I’ve found work, from a finances point of view, but I think he would prefer to keep it up for the moment.

The drive is 40 mins at the times he’d be making it (just outside peak traffic). It’s 24 mins with clear roads.

The ‘in between’ area is really not a runner - it’s not a case of leafy vs non-leafy suburbs, it’s an area of huge social problems and just not somewhere we’d be happy to bring up the kids.

Having the GPs close by for emergency school pick ups and sick days would, I think, be a huge benefit when I return to work. We’re both in client-facing roles where taking unscheduled time off is a major hassle.

And thank you all, genuinely, for the advice and feedback! It’s really helpful to get different perspectives.

having had 2 DC across multi-years without any GP backup for sick days etc, I'd say that's worth its weight in gold for when you go back to work. Having interested & involved GP is a huge benefit for children.

Short term you need to look into how you can compensate your DH for the loss of relaxation time and talk openly about what could be done there, and then you need to set a timeframe for you going back - why not go back 3 or 4 days if you've got lovely GP that will support you so you and DH can both spread the load?

I am sympathetic to your husband - a 10.5 hour day and then 40 minutes each way is a long day, but with the prospect of dropping to 4 days it is doable. And the advantages of you living close to gps is huge.

Buying is ideal, but you could offer to rent for 6 months, just to make sure he can cope with the arrangement . . .

But what about in a completely different location. 20minutes in a different direction. Or living very close to where he works if that is possible

How many miles is it? Is cycling an option at all? We (both DH and I) have 1.5 hour commutes door to door (pretty much to the same location), for me involving walking either end and train. DH cycles it and it is actually faster. Look into e-bikes too which are good for longer and/or hilly commutes (DH's is 14 miles each direction). He infinitely prefers cycle commuting to trains. Actually so do I but I am not confident in my route in winter time as it cuts through lots of dark parks, whereas DH uses the main roads. And I'm pg at the moment so haven't got back on the bike this summer. Just an idea, if the drive is usually 25 mins in light traffic, wondering how far it actually is. With a bike you get past the worst of the bad traffic.

It sounds like a standard commute though, so I don't see what the fuss is about.

My dh leaves at 0700 to avoid the traffic and is back anytime between 1900 if he gets off early, or 2200 some nights if it is frantic at the office.

But what about in a completely different location. 20minutes in a different direction. Or living very close to where he works if that is possible.

Well, we could of course do that, but that means giving up the school place and the option of GPs helping out with childcare. That’s the dilemma.

He’s a keen cyclist, actually, Rosti, but the quickest route by car is on a motorway - I’m not sure if there’s an alternative route through the city that would be a realistic length on a bike. It’s a possibility, though, thanks.

The rental market in our city is a nightmare at the moment, there’s almost nothing available and rent would be significantly higher than a mortgage payment. It would allow us to test-drive the logistics of it all, though.

For you as a family living near dh work would be best surely?
It gives him more opportunity to be involved in family life which would be good for all of you.
I would definitely prioritise this over a great school.
GPS still not far away really and you can organise paid childcare.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable OP - 40 mins is a really do -able commute, especially when all the other benefits are taken into consideration.
Enjoy your house hunting...exciting!

This may not be an issue, but I'd also want to factor in the GP age and health AND confirm with them that they are really committed to providing childcare for the next umpteen years.

There has been more than one poster who was relying on their parents/iLs for childcare who has been let down at the last minute.

My parents were older, retired and traveled a lot when I started my family. They were great in the odd emergency or for a week or two in the summer, but they would not have been interested in providing full time childcare.

You are totally unreasonable.

You dont work.

You are only "planning" on finding work for 2 days a week in september.

Your DH works 11 hour days and you want to add an extra hour and a half in a car on top of that.

Really not fair at all. Flip it the other way and ask yourself if you'd be interested in an 11 hour day with 1.5 hour commute. Would you? No? Then i think you need to get real and find somewhere nearer.

I would harbour quite deep resentment if i were your dp.

There was a thread on here yesterday where a wife was complaining about her husband having no idea what family life entailed on holiday. He was, for whatever reason, unable to grok what family life and the mental load looks like (to the point where he didn't even give one child their medication). The husband works long hours and was almost never around for the kids, and the wide was wondering what had happened to her marriage.

If your setup makes it extremely difficult for your DH to be involved in family life, don't be surprised when he has no clue how it works.

Jobs change, sometimes regularly. Homes and schools less so (or not for years anyway). Those have to take priority. Especially as we are only talking 40 mins on a busy day! He needs to get on with it.

How does one return to work without first “planning” it, Vague? I’ve tried just turning up at my desired workplace and announcing “I’m heeeere!!”, but they were unreceptive...

Worry not - far from “deep resentment”, DH is massively appreciative of my offering to take a step back from my own work and be a trailing spouse for three years while we lived abroad purely to advance his career. Since having the kids looked after by family in their early years is a priority for both of us, this was an arrangement that everybody was happy with, and largely still is. However, conscious that too long out of the workplace would be detrimental to my long-term prospects, I’m planning to return soon on a very part-time basis, which is fortunately very doable in my profession. We have talked about DH doing 4 days and having one day at home with the kids, but he’s keen at the moment to take whatever opportunities come his way work wise.

And he’s always worked long hours - twenty minutes extra either side is not going to make a big difference to my day. Whether it will make a big difference to his day is the issue we’re trying to tease out.

My commute takes 40 mins even though I’m only 6 miles away. Tbh I like the peaceful drive in the morning after getting 3dc sorted or dp calling me at when I’m on my way out for something trivial. I also use traffic jams for quickly recapping my study notes for exams.

We moved from a 15min driving commute to a 45min commute (each way) to move out of London. It has been absolutely fine and while it would be nice if it was shorter, I think DH secretly likes the 'decompression' of being able to play music, podcasts, have thinking time etc.

I think if a woman posted saying she is already working 10+ hour days and her DH, who doesn't work, wants her to add at least 120 minutes onto her day commuting so they can live in a 'naice' area near his parents the responses on this thread would be very different.

I have worked the hours your DH currently works with a similar commute to what you are proposing. It was utterly exhausting and that was pre-kids! And I agree with those saying a "40 minute commute" is often more than that in reality due to accidents on the motorway, roadworks etc.

I’m not sure where you got the idea it would be an extra 120 minutes. I agree that would be quite unreasonable.