AIBU - location, location, location

[Cel982]

After many years of moving around due to work, DH and I are finally in a position to buy our first home. It's very exciting. DH has settled into a new job that he likes and sees himself remaining in for at least the next few years. I'm at home with the kids just now but planning to go back to work part-time (ideally two days/week) after DC1 starts school in September.

The area I would like to settle in is close to my parents, who would be happy to help out with childcare for DC2 when I go back to work. In addition, DC1 has got an offer of a place in a really good school there, which would guarantee places for DC2 and any future siblings down the line. So those are huge pull factors for me.

The problem is that settling there would make DH's commute a 40+ minute drive, which he is struggling a bit with. He works long hours, about 8:30am to 7pm most days. At the moment we're renting in a place which is a 20 minute commute for him, which is fine.

The trouble is that there's no real compromise; the area in the middle which would allow the kids to go to the school and still give DH a shorter drive is not somewhere we'd like to live at all. DH has no problem with my preferred area aside from the commute - he gets on very well with my parents and sees all the advantages of living close to them, and is happy with the school (although maybe doesn't feel as strongly about it as I do).

I'm not unsympathetic to him, because an extra 40 minutes in the car on top of a long day's work isn't nothing. It just feels like I/we are being asked to give up a lot in exchange for a slightly shorter commute. And I genuinely don't know if I'm being unreasonable or not. To be clear, DH is lovely, and I know that if he realised how upset I am at the thought of not living where I'd hoped, he would 'give in'. But I don't want him to give in if it's going to make him miserable.

Help!

But op has said it’s 40 mins with average rush hour traffic, not an estate agent’s 40 mins.

I disagree - if GP are providing childcare or backup childcare that is a massive benefit to working parents, gender has nothing to do with it.

You haven't really said what the school/area are like nearer to your husband's work ie. where you rent now or earlier. Are there no good schools near by? I'd do the longer commute if the alternative was a not nice area and bad schools, but not if it was an equally nice area with an (arguably) slightly less good school (these things are pretty subjective).

If the pull was the provision of childcare for when you work which might have been very difficult to arrange otherwise then I would be more sympathetic.

Having said that, 40 mins is not normally considered an excessive commute. It takes me more than an hour to get to work (walk plus train). I prefer than to driving though.

Unless your dh's place of work is on some sort of peninsula heading out to sea accessed only by one road surely there are other places to live in different directions that could be good and could be a lot nearer to your dh's job.

Also don't rely on parents being able to look after your children if you return to work. Friend did something similar but parents couldn't cope