AIBU - location, location, location

[Cel982]

After many years of moving around due to work, DH and I are finally in a position to buy our first home. It's very exciting. DH has settled into a new job that he likes and sees himself remaining in for at least the next few years. I'm at home with the kids just now but planning to go back to work part-time (ideally two days/week) after DC1 starts school in September.

The area I would like to settle in is close to my parents, who would be happy to help out with childcare for DC2 when I go back to work. In addition, DC1 has got an offer of a place in a really good school there, which would guarantee places for DC2 and any future siblings down the line. So those are huge pull factors for me.

The problem is that settling there would make DH's commute a 40+ minute drive, which he is struggling a bit with. He works long hours, about 8:30am to 7pm most days. At the moment we're renting in a place which is a 20 minute commute for him, which is fine.

The trouble is that there's no real compromise; the area in the middle which would allow the kids to go to the school and still give DH a shorter drive is not somewhere we'd like to live at all. DH has no problem with my preferred area aside from the commute - he gets on very well with my parents and sees all the advantages of living close to them, and is happy with the school (although maybe doesn't feel as strongly about it as I do).

I'm not unsympathetic to him, because an extra 40 minutes in the car on top of a long day's work isn't nothing. It just feels like I/we are being asked to give up a lot in exchange for a slightly shorter commute. And I genuinely don't know if I'm being unreasonable or not. To be clear, DH is lovely, and I know that if he realised how upset I am at the thought of not living where I'd hoped, he would 'give in'. But I don't want him to give in if it's going to make him miserable.

Help!

Not sure what country you are in but in most countries people don't have jobs for life any more. So as long as there are alternative companies in the wider local area that are within 1.5 hours one way of the house you want to buy near your parents, then buy it.

Obviously you aren't going to willingly take a job 1.5 hours commute away but if you have no choice you can.

I’m completely fine with him reducing his hours down the line, and me increasing mine. We’ve just been applying for mortgage approval so having the extra income at that point was important, and DC2 is still very small so I haven’t been keen to go back to work yet. Neither of those things will be a factor long-term, so I’d be very happy for him to go back to a four-day week.

I'd say that 40 mins is an average commute time. My commute is 1.5 - 2 hours each way depending on traffic. I'd love a shorter journey but it's one of the compromises we had to make when we decided to buy our current home. There were certain things I wanted to have and consequently, I had to compromise on others. DH had to do the same.

The angle I would be looking at is how much money does this potentially save you on childcare plus emergency sitters, so that not only can you return to work but neither of you are having to take time off work when the kids are too ill for nursery or school? Weigh that up against the additional 40 minutes a day of journey time.

In your DH's shoes I'd take the longer journey like a shot. He likes the job and sees himself there for at least the next few years - that doesn't indicate that he necessarily plans to stay there for the foreseeable future though. If you have two DC who are under 5 at the moment then you have a number of years of paid childcare to factor in if you don't have your parents to help you.

He'll be away from 7.45 to 7.45 while she's home with the kids. that's looooong. When do the kids get to see him and vice versa?
To me 40 mins is fine when you're working 9-5 but those extra 40 mins a day he'll lose with the longer drive are precious when he gets so little time home anyway. It may be his choice to a degree, but he's also supporting all of you so he may have seen it as better for providing, or if you have to work hard might as work a little much harder for more opportunities. Agree with pps that 2 day a week jobs are hard to come by, and financially unlikely to make a lot after a career break, unless you have specialist qualifications, so you can't rely on this.
Id stay close to the job for me, unless things are really likely to change. Or can he at least work from home one day a week?

I agree that a 40 min commute isn't that bad, IF you're only working a 7-8 hour day. But OP's DH works 9-10 hour days. That makes for a looonnngg day!

My original commute was around 1 hr 10 mins. We moved when DS1 was around 3 and my commute became 7 minutes. It was HEAVEN! Then we moved again (2 DC at this point) and my commute went to around 20 mins + I was working a 9 hr schedule (but got a three day weekend every other week) and it felt like I was being rushed off my feet. So it's all relative.

I second the idea of renting in the area you want to buy in. See how it goes. Realize that you will need to make adjustments, too, since he'll be absent from the home for his long day so you may find yourself picking up the slack.

There is a lot to be said for living near GP and for good schools. But ask yourself, too, if you were the working parent would you really be happy with those long days?

I get that you are trying to juggle many things OP, but I think his day is already long enough. He doesn't have much time to switch off and recharge. Everyone is entitled to draw the line somewhere. And if they don't get to do that, then that is where the resentment and/or MH issues can start to creep in. Life has to be worth it, not just duty and digging deep every day.

I can't see the info on how far your present area is from your parents, but I also think that for 2 days a week it would be better for you to be getting the kids up early and doing the drop offs and longer commute. (and if you think its ok for him to do it then it should be ok for you to do it?) At least you will have the chance to catch up on some rest and downtime at some point in the other 3 days. Perhaps you and the kids could stay over at GP's one night a week?

Then in the long run when you are ready to do 5 days, maybe some aspects wil have changed - income has increased, or the other area will have improved etc and you can look at your options again.

You don't seem to have mentioned where you would be happiest living bearing in mind you're going to be at home with the kids most of the time, which can be a hard and boring experience if you haven't got people and activities around you. Which would be best for that? And I'm interested why that doesn't seem to be factored into your decision-making (unless I've missed it).

Oh sorry Gerbil, I thought it was obvious! The suburb where my parents live would be great for me; as well as them, both my siblings are there, with their families, so lots of cousins for the DC. And it’s geverallt a nice place with good amenities.

Persy, I’m more than happy to drive, I really am; pre-DC I commuted 35 minuted each way and didn’t find it too onerous, although my hours weren’t as long as DH’s. I suppose I would just rather the DCs went to school in their own community, rather than miles away. And for me going back to work to be practical, I think the job, school and childcare all need to be close together. So it’s all or nothing with regard to those.

I'd also use some of the cash you save on childcare to throw some money at the household stuff. Get a cleaner and send your ironing out. Save time on the chores so that evenings and weekends can be spent doing maximising the nice family stuff with your DH.

If your plan longer term is for you to work, I would pick the house 40 mins away. Your dh can then reduce his hours if he is struggling. Can he even shave 20 mins or 1/2 hour off his working day right now or is it set hours?

If he will be leaving home at approx 7:45 am and returning about 7:45pm he can easily spend some time with the children in the morning whilst having breakfast. To me that's quite late for going to work.

It was kind of obvious, but it's not information you included, yet it's vital to your quality of life - basically you have given up your career and are supporting your DP to get ahead - yes you want to spend time with your children but it is likely to have a longer term impact when you want to work too - some of looking after children is fun but a lot of it is tedious, where you might enjoy being is massively important yet you left it out of your case. I would say where you want to live is better for the family as a whole in comparison to a 40 min commute.

I live in london so know a lot of people who commute 40 mins.

that said, I absolutely hate commuting, and the only thing people are more optimistic about than the price of their house is their commuting times. If someone tells you how long it takes to commute to work, you should always assume that is the time it would take at 3am, when there isn't another soul on the road.

if 40 mins is really 40 mins, maybe, but otherwise sounds like you need to compromise.

I also think that for 2 days a week it would be better for you to be getting the kids up early and doing the drop offs and longer commute. (and if you think its ok for him to do it then it should be ok for you to do it?)

So it is better that the kids do the commute than the DH?

I also think that for 2 days a week it would be better for you to be getting the kids up early and doing the drop offs and longer commute. (and if you think its ok for him to do it then it should be ok for you to do it?)

So it is better that the kids do the commute than the DH?

primal kids can have naps, early nights or sleep in the car those 2 days a week to compensate. Not ideal perhaps, but I don't know where the DH would find time for that kind of compensation. Someone or something is going to have to draw the short straw.

It isn't easy trying to balance all these competing needs we all understand that, but I am just thinking of the long term toll of sustaining long hours and a long commute on a person who has already said they would rather not do it. He is clearly not workshy or anything like that, so I would imagine that if he says 40 minutes makes a difference to him, then it makes a difference.

It is tempting for simplicity to say that the DH just sucks it up and commutes further but I think to be safe long term, you need to establish how much effort it would cost him. Is it a 4/10 " would rather not but won't actually hurt too much", a 6/10 "definite OW" or an 8/10 "how I will manage this another week - make it stop", because if it does take a big toll, it could end up with him wanting to move again, or pressure on him at work trying to cut hours and it not being realistic etc all of which will put pressure on you both and coudl threaten the dream.

For both your sakes, he shouldn't 'give in' just to be nice or because he loves you, but because he rationally believes he can safely sustain it.

Maybe it is worth renting and trying the longer commute out before commiting to a purchase?

And is the middle area worth reconsidering OP? Is there some part of it that is less bad than others? Perhaps it would do for a couple of years? The kids could go to the nice school near your parents, you would be pretty close to so that you could get involved with social aspects etc. Then perhaps when you have upped your hours your DH might be able to drop his and you could re-evaluate? Maybe move again then?

I suppose if (in the end) you both worked 4 days but had different day off (eg one Mon-Thurs and the other Tues-Fri) then it would help with the childcare situation and covering children being sick etc, plus you would each having a day off on your own once the kids are at school which sounds pretty good to most people! Do you know what his ideal scenario would be?

We have location dilemmas so I do understand how hard it is.

40 minutes is nothing. Plenty of people do an hour to an hour and a half. Obviously a shorter commute is bettter but it is a luxury especially in a professional role.

40 mins sounds like a great commute - I'm used to 60-90 mins traffic depending. He might find it a little tough at first when he's used to only 20 mins but really it's no big deal and he'd adjust.

It’s pointless taking the 40 mins commute in isolation though.

I thought 40 mins was nothing pre-children, when dh and I both worked and each commuted around 45 mins in opposite directions from where we lived.

If we had 2 kids, dh wasn’t working and I was in a full time job doing long hours, then I’d probably start to resent 80 minutes on top of my working day, especially if my dh wasn’t working and, and was assuming he’d work only a couple of days in the future.

It’s all about context. This arrangement seems to suit the OP (and her desire to potentially save money if the grandparents are able/willing to look after the grandchildren at some future point) but it doesn’t sound like the dh will get much down time, or time with the children in the evenings.

Personally I’d want a more balanced set up for my children and partner

No way would I want to waste an hour and 20 minutes every day commuting.

We live in a less desirable area precisely because it means we can all walk or cycle to work and are home in less than 10 minutes.

That is worth far more to our quality of life than any leafy suburb.

Surely there are other places to live than just in one direction.

What about north, south east or west of his job.

When your kids start school, all the school stuff may fall to you given his working hours. It would be a great help to have grandparents in the area who could attend the odd assembly or pick up a sick child.

Your DH is not seeing that at all right now. I'd sit down and talk to him about how school pick-ups and sick runs will work once you're back at work. It'll need to be 50/50 if you're both working.

I estimate there is something once every 2 weeks that means my DH or I need to compromise our work to attend (sickness, change in plans, school meetings or whatever).

It'd would be so much easier with family help around.

40 minutes, so an extra 20 minutes on top of now, is not a big commute. Obv you say you aren't in UK so maybe it's different but here that's tiny. My DH leaves at 6.15, gets home at 7.30 because the train into London takes an hour and a half. That's just life. I think your DH Is being a bit selfish to be honest.

Your question is where would your family have the best quality of life?

My DH does a 9 hour day and commutes 45 - 60 mins each way (more if the traffic is bad). He doesn't bat one eye lid because the job is good and he enjoys it. We moved to a cheaper area so we could afford to buy a larger house so it was inevitable that he would have the commute. He is however home by 430 or 5 at the latest. Overall we have a great quality of life and our daughter goes to a great school. I mostly work from home but commute once a week (2 hours each way which I bloody hate). It's the trade off for the things you want from life and you can't have it all.

It’s only 40 minutes. That’s a normal commute. Above an hour I’d understand more but it’s only 40 bloody minutes.