To not want to stay with PIL?

[Shanners123]

We had our first baby 5 weeks ago and both sets of new grandparents are over the moon. We live 40mins drive from my parents and (a really horrible) 5.5hour drive from my PIL. The PIL have seen the baby twice (drove up for the weekend when baby was 1 week and then at a funeral 2 weeks later) due to the distance, whereas my parents see the baby a couple of times a week. Naturally the PIL cannot wait to see the baby this coming weekend, when we'll be down visiting Fri - Mon. My problem is I really can't stand my MIL. She talks CONSTANTLY (this isn't an exaggeration), about anything and everything, every thought that crosses her mind. She's unintentionally patronising and by the way she talks is the subject expert on everything. I'm quite an introvert, I speak when there is something to say and enjoy smart conversation. As a result she annoys the life out of me and I avoid talking to her or being the focus of her conversation when possible. We have a polite relationship from my perspective, because she's never truly engaged with me in any real way so I just listen to her ramblings when I have to and tell her the bare minimum because she picks up anything I say and adds her "subject expert" knowledge to it. I am never rude to her and I act interested in what she says, but every visit it gets harder because one way conversations make for a very boring experience!
We're mostly going down because my OHs grandparents are too old to travel, and they're lovely so I'm looking forward to them seeing the baby. His uncle has a beautiful brand new house 5 mins drive from where they all live, which is used as a holiday let. I asked my OH to check if its free for us to stay this weekend, and apparently now my MIL is very upset that we're not staying with them. Their house is not suitable IMO and I want to be able to relax at night knowing if the baby is screaming my MIL isn't going to be knocking on the door offering tips or help. I'm breastfeeding so at home I quite often sit with my boobs out relaxing with the baby so I'd like our own space for the privacy to do this, and also to retreat to when MIL gets to be too much for me. We have stayed with them on all previous trips but now we have a baby I want to start setting boundaries. We're our own little family in my mind now and I don't think it's unreasonable to be treated as such. I know it's because she's scared it will limit her time with baby, but he's only 5 weeks and not the most interactive anyhow!

Not wanting to stay at my PILs house and opting to stay in a house 5 min drive away... AIBU?

Oh god, pig! That’s grim.

MIL entirely zones FIL out. DH goes for a lovely natter with her while she cooks AND DOES NOT RETURN. MIL has perfected the art of stringing out the cooking of a simple meal for the maximum possible time. (It does not take 90 minutes to cook sausages, potatoes and peas. She is a flipping artist.) I have had Stern Words with DH about this as I barely ever get any time with MIL as I’m the Sacrificial Audience.

Easier with kids as I can send one of them in to ‘find out if daddy needs some help’ or send FIL off to play with them (he’s a superb grandfather - saving grace.) Still, he must be convinced that I’ve got the world’s weakest bladder.

Stand your ground and do whatever you feel like doing. Like pp I endured trips with small children where we were at the whim of, or following plans set up by, PIL and both times I've been stressed and had a terrible time. Now we make our own plans and stay where we want to and we all get along much better for it.

“Stand your ground and do whatever you feel like doing”

Yep. Because nobody else matters.

OP not been back?

Jassy - your comment about your bladder made me roar!! I have some builders in the house and they came to see if I was OK. I know exactly what you mean about toilet breaks as a moment of blessed silence.

My MIL just loves to dispense advice. I mean she really, really loves it to the point that no-one else is allowed to be a competent adult at anything. It's often done in the tone of voice you would use to a five year old. So, for example, on the occasion of me struggling to defrost a lasagne in then oven after the microwave broke (literally an hour before)*

MIL: Do you know how you can avoid this happening in future?
Me: Buy a new microwave?
MIL: No, try again.
Me: Go out to donner?
MIL; No, try again
Me: Errrrr, not sure.
MIL: (in the kind of stage scream TV presenters use to very small children) Freeze! Smaller! Portions!

*For anyone minded to complain that PIL should not be served frozen food let me give the circumstances. Number one, I was very ill, pre-surgery, and had no energy. Number two: it was a homecooked lasagne I had preprepared. Number three: PIL demand a 16 hour day of activities from 8am to midnight, which I find exhausting normally, let alone when I am ill (and no, they don't see any reason why serious illess should stop anyone doing anything, after all they once went to Homebase with a cold). Number four: They also demand a three-course dinner each night.

[i]"They also demand a three-course dinner each night."[/i]

Why are you pandering to these sorts of demands?

That is plainly unreasonable, and worlds apart from the OP's chatterbox MIL wanting to spend time with her new grandchild.

I don't any more Tokyo! But for a long time I was stuck in The Politeness Trap (see discussion earlier in the thread) and didn't feel able to just walk away.

To be honest, for me, the constant bickering talk and the constant undermining and patronising way they speak to me (also something the OP suffers) are way, way worse to deal with than the demands for a 3 course meal.

That is so Mumsnet.

Poster 1 “My Mil is a bit annoying”
Poster 2 “You must go no contact immediately - my mil is an international war criminal!”

My word if this was your DH saying he cant abide your DM would you ensure he was supported not to stay at your DM or spending much time with her or seeing her GC? You see your own parents twice a week and you begrudge spending a few nights at MiL house. She talks too much, you find it too much and she can be patronising? Is that it, you are unable as an adult to go off to your bedroom with your DC or head out for a walk?...How does your DH feel about you trying to exclude his DP from seeing their GC? As it sounds like you are trying to not have much contact. I bet your own DP aren't a bed of roses, its just that they are your DP and you don't get as annoyed. I hate the MN MiL haters...there all on this thread screaming that YANBU...bet if the thread was about your DH complaining about your DM they would still be saying YANBU... I should add my MiL and Fil are a pain in the ass, my OH has had many fall outs over the years with them. I however have never tried to stop my DC seeing their GP, family is important and having lost my GP at a young age I want my own DC to have a relationship with theirs even if that means I may have to suck it up a few times a year by staying at theirs. Then so be it.

BertrandRussell agree

gambas agree. And if this was a thread where a man was behaving like the OP they’d probably be shouting control and abuse and cutting off family.

Bexy if you want a good relationship with your (theoretical) future DIL’s then be kind to them.

I had MIL at the birth of my DC (her first GC), she cut the umbilical chord, I happily accepted her request to buy DC’s first shoes and bake her first birthday cake and when she was a newborn I’d invite her around weekly and leave her sat cuddling DC whilst I got on with things.

DMIL is utterly a darling to me, she has always been incredibly kind to me and clearly loves DC & is very caring towards my older DC who aren’t related to her by bloody but she is always at pains to ensure they feel included.

If she was unkind to me, constantly talking over me and demanding to have my newborn breastfed baby to herself because my parents live closer to me and see dc more than her. Then I can guarantee I’d have no sort of relationship with her. DP doesn’t do any of the inviting around or sending pictures or thoughtful gifts to his mum. I do however as I want to and have my own relationship with her and I actually do love her. She has her quirks but she is a decent kind loving woman, mother and grandmother and I utterly appreciate it.

I can see both sides of the argument, thank you for all opinions!

I am going to stick with choosing Uncle's place, purely for the peace of mind it will give me knowing at the end of each day i will have breathing space. I intend to spend as much of everyday round at PILs house so they can maximise their time with baby (I have never said I wanted to restrict the amount of time they see their GC btw) , but like some have suggested will assert myself to make sure breastfeeding isn't interrupted. I will make time to go for walks if necessary, although I'm still in the new mum phase where being away from my tiny baby makes me anxious!

The assumption that I'm cold or arrogant is wrong. The fact that I don't talk a great deal around her is because MIL has no interest in a two way conversation and wants to talk "at me" rather than "with me". I of course try every time, but her domination over every conversation is exhausting. She already knows everything (in her opinion). I have great relationships with all other ILs, which is due to the fact that I can have actual conversations with them. I don't have a connection with my MIL because of how she is, not solely because she wears the title of MIL.

To those who recommend challenging her behaviour or addressing it with her boys, I don't feel it's my place. She has clearly been like this forever and its a compulsion rather than she "just doesn't realise". My DH acknowledges how she is but I wouldn't push him to challenge her, that's their relationship. When I have in the past asked him to help me escape from her monologues he says he didn't realise I needed saving!

You need a code word!

I would definitely stay at the uncles place but yes just ensure that you do spend a good amount of time with his parents while you’re there.
It’s hard enough dealing with the nights with a 5wk old baby let alone doing it with an audience especially if someone in that audience thinks they know it all!
You never know, the baby may bring you both closer together. Even if it’s a very tiny amount!

Ha my ILs are silent. Silent meals unless I make conversation. Very weird imo and makes me feel pressured to keep the conversation going. But reading this thread maybe am the lucky one

YANBU. I wouldn't even stay overnight with my own parents and a 5 week old baby, let alone my in laws! Thankfully both our parents live close by.

Can you not sell it along the lines of your doing them a favour? The baby will be up lots in the night and you don't want to disturb them?

I am amazed at how compassion-less and thoughtless people are on here. If you are an introvert, someone like this MIL is quite upsetting. Some of you are acting as if she is harmless and 'means well'. OP has already said the MIL doesn't give a damn about OP's interests or how she feels, she just loves talking over everyone and feeling superior to them. How on earth did the OP become the bad guy here??
"We have stayed with them on all previous trips" - I think OP has put up with more than enough and long deserves a break and some peace and I am astounded at the abuse she is getting. I can only presume it is from extroverts who cannot put themselves in someone's shoes. And that is the entire problem. Perhaps if the MIL is upset enough and wonders why, maybe her son can sit her down and explain why she drives everyone away. It could be a positive. Because unless people like this are told, they will never change. So I would get your OH to actually sit and explain to her how exhausting she is.

OP am beginning to think our MiLs may be related. Mine is exactly the same re the talking. DH acknowledges how awful it is but seems powerless to do anything about it. I end up managing all interactions with MiL ... DH doesn't acknowledge what she says and in fact doesn't listen and i am left as captive audience. To all sorts of stuff that I find insensitive, offensive etc but I am expected to put up with it. I try really hard and some visits are easier than others but I resent it tbh. Good luck. I'll be thinking of you.

It's much easier to endure annoying nonsense during the day when you know you will get to escape to your own private space later.

You can turn on the charm knowing that there is a literal physical boundary later.

Shanners I am not surprised to find your DH hasn't supported you. To him its normal and there lies your problem. If he is leaving you with his DM knowing that she can be draining and isn't supporting you then I now understand why your staying at the uncles. When I suggested going out for a walk I meant with your baby. I was an anxious mum too so understand that!

"Perhaps if the MIL is upset enough and wonders why, maybe her son can sit her down and explain why she drives everyone away."

I think this, done in a loving and gentle way, is probably a good way forward.

Some people just don't listen though. We had a situation where we sat PIL down and told them that we needed time out for a few minutes a day during a visit because DH was suffering with very bad stress and anxiety. They nodded and expressed sympathy... then proceeded to insist that we did absolutely everything together as usual. Some people just want things their way and can't adjust. This is where the Politeness Trap comes in - if you've told someone you need space and air, and they are refusing to give it to you, it's no longer rude simply to walk away from them.

“Perhaps if the MIL is upset enough and wonders why, maybe her son can sit her down and explain why she drives everyone away.”

Fuck me. Yeah, why not do that. It’s not as if she has feelings or anything -she’s just a mil. One of those separate Mumsnet species. Like “school gate mums” and “old biddies”

Poster 1 “My Mil is a bit annoying”
Poster 2 “You must go no contact immediately - my mil is an international war criminal!”

I dont know - I can see where you are coming from, but equally sometimes in life you have to put yourself out for other people, and 3 days with the ILs is kind of one of those things. I think they will be very hurt by you staying elsewhere.