To not want to stay with PIL?

[Shanners123]

We had our first baby 5 weeks ago and both sets of new grandparents are over the moon. We live 40mins drive from my parents and (a really horrible) 5.5hour drive from my PIL. The PIL have seen the baby twice (drove up for the weekend when baby was 1 week and then at a funeral 2 weeks later) due to the distance, whereas my parents see the baby a couple of times a week. Naturally the PIL cannot wait to see the baby this coming weekend, when we'll be down visiting Fri - Mon. My problem is I really can't stand my MIL. She talks CONSTANTLY (this isn't an exaggeration), about anything and everything, every thought that crosses her mind. She's unintentionally patronising and by the way she talks is the subject expert on everything. I'm quite an introvert, I speak when there is something to say and enjoy smart conversation. As a result she annoys the life out of me and I avoid talking to her or being the focus of her conversation when possible. We have a polite relationship from my perspective, because she's never truly engaged with me in any real way so I just listen to her ramblings when I have to and tell her the bare minimum because she picks up anything I say and adds her "subject expert" knowledge to it. I am never rude to her and I act interested in what she says, but every visit it gets harder because one way conversations make for a very boring experience!
We're mostly going down because my OHs grandparents are too old to travel, and they're lovely so I'm looking forward to them seeing the baby. His uncle has a beautiful brand new house 5 mins drive from where they all live, which is used as a holiday let. I asked my OH to check if its free for us to stay this weekend, and apparently now my MIL is very upset that we're not staying with them. Their house is not suitable IMO and I want to be able to relax at night knowing if the baby is screaming my MIL isn't going to be knocking on the door offering tips or help. I'm breastfeeding so at home I quite often sit with my boobs out relaxing with the baby so I'd like our own space for the privacy to do this, and also to retreat to when MIL gets to be too much for me. We have stayed with them on all previous trips but now we have a baby I want to start setting boundaries. We're our own little family in my mind now and I don't think it's unreasonable to be treated as such. I know it's because she's scared it will limit her time with baby, but he's only 5 weeks and not the most interactive anyhow!

Not wanting to stay at my PILs house and opting to stay in a house 5 min drive away... AIBU?

I have two sons. They are only little now, but I dread them growing up, finding partners, having children. I will always be the MIL. I am already very aware that any grandchildren in my future will be held at arms length from me and that, no matter what I do, no matter how I behave, I won't get a look in.

It saddens me that MIL's are always in the wrong, no matter what they do.

I know that one day, I will be that MIL. I did it to my MIL - justified it to myself, but I still did it.

I am already very aware that any grandchildren in my future will be held at arms length from me and that, no matter what I do, no matter how I behave, I won't get a look in.

Can I borrow your crystal ball? I could do with a lottery win.

Be careful of self-fulfilling prophecies!

You need to give it a go the first time to show willing, your DH needs to run interference and you need to be straight with him that it's not your job to occupy her, especially with baby in tow. That said there will be opportunity for you to have quiet time, you just say assertively 'baby and I are going for a nap as we wake up through the night to feed', 'DH can you watch baby for half hour I've got a bit of a headache and am going for a walk to clear it, no that's ok MIL you stay here with DH and baby, they so love seeing you'. If DH doesn't help you are well within your rights to refuse to stay next time, that way you're not unreasonable, you tried. As I said in my PP my MIL is like this but has been different since we gave her baby news, you need to be a little firmer and DH needs to support you fully.

"any grandchildren in my future will be held at arms length from me and that, no matter what I do, no matter how I behave, I won't get a look in."

That's just not true. There have been loads of threads on this site where women have been asked for positive stories about in laws, and there are always a ton of really lovely stories of close, rewarding relationships between DIL and MIL - some even say that they are closer to their MIL than a DM.

I feel like I keep saying the same thing, over and over again, on these threads and it just gets ignored. Which is this: the same rules apply to in law relationships as apply to every other relationship. If you are a selfish, entitled arsehole who is unsupportive, narcissistic, patronising and undermining, you probably won't see your grandchildren as often as if you are a loving, supportive, caring, sweet and helpful person. This applies whether you're the parents of the mother or the father of those children. Very, very few parents are in a position to turn down an offer of free, supportive help from family - it's manna from heaven for most. If you are being avoided, perhaps look first at your own behaviour to see whether the answer lies there.

If you go in with that attitude Bexy then yes it probably will happen. I find my MIL annoying but I don't mess with her relationship with DH and DS. DS adores her, she lives 3 hours away but sees him every 2-3 months and facetimes him every week. I value her relationship with him and encourage it even if she drives me bonkers.

@soozikinzi @chickoletta
I have been in this position and the grandparents trying to have the grandchildren to themselves is the strangest most awful feeling. It made my relationship with my MIL very difficult for a long time. I am now a grandparent and I would never have this expectation of either my grandchild or my grandchilds mum (they are not married) she has lived with us and we get on very well but it's their baby. I have no rights or expectation other than joy for them and enjoying the baby as their child and whatever they are comfortable with. I would never expect time alone with my grandchild as a right and think this is unfair pressure on a new mum, especially if breastfeeding.
I would completely understand not wanting to stay with an overbearing in law/grandparent and agree you should set the boundaries early on.

@bexyboothemoo your post is really sad. My mother in law drove me nuts when my first was born, it took a little while to find out how things work for us as she was very full on and over the top and I needed to get confident in my new role as mum.
But we have had a fantastic relationship for years, we holiday together, we ring each other, we arrange what we do together as a family, she is a very good and caring friend to me and whilst she still has the ability to drive me bonkers (doesn't everyone) she is an extremely important and much loved part of my life and my children's lives.

I don't think it's fair for your husband and MIL to guilt trip you.
If you stay at the nice empty relaxing house you will have time to decompress and relax, and can have better quality time with MIL.

It's better for everyone if you're relaxed and happy. The alternative is better for the PILs only.

Your baby is so little. I'd say be comfortable and just involve her on other ways. I hate staying with people generally abd like my own space so can't imagine doing this with a newborn. There are other ways of letting her get involved.

I've never stayed with in laws- always Airbnb and they survived and we all still like each other.

Not necessarily true Bexyboo. My two have a lovely relationship with MIL. She's the only person I've ever left them with and they adore her. She does spoil them rotten and I let her as it makes her and them happy.

Haven't read the while thread, but YANBU OP.

I get on fine with my MIL but I would not stay with her, especially with a newborn. I'm an introvert and I need my own space where I can retreat to and relax. The bedroom at my MILs would not be the same.

Btw I have a 7 week old, my MIL has seen him twice so far, once at a wedding. It's plenty!

“Btw I have a 7 week old, my MIL has seen him twice so far, once at a wedding. It's plenty!”

Let’s hope it’s plenty for everyone, eh?

My MIL and my DH are both happy with it if that's what you mean!

You're being too hard on your MiL. You don't seem to offer much conversation or anything in the way of warmth towards her. Maybe if you made the effort to be warmer and more friendly, you could form a close relationship. Don't just write her off or barely talk to her because you think she's patronising, she may not even realise she's doing it.

As for staying 5 minutes away, fair enough. You want your own space. Your MiL is probably annoyed about this because you're cold towards her in conversation and so not wanting to stay with her seems insulting.

Remember, she's looking forward to seeing you and clearly wants to spend time with you and her grandchild. Give her some slack.

@bertrandrussell what a strange comment. A newborn and mother at this stage don't owe anyone anything. Whatever works and is appropriate is how it should be.

"Sometimes I'll listen but other times I will go out with the dog, pop to the shop or just go upstairs."

They let you do that? Amateurs. My FIL would follow me on each and every one of those without drawing breath. As described earlier, it’s an entirely selfish interaction - he wants an audience; he’s not interested in an actual conversation. I’m still the fresh —victim— listener as I’ve only been on the scene 10 years, and we live 4 hours away.

I do feel a bit sorry for him. But it’s also bloody exhausting. The uncle of his mate who died in his 1960s, and the house he bought, and who lives in that house now. The cinema that shut 30 years ago and the film he saw there, it must have been a Tuesday, no actually it was a Thursday because it was late closing in the shop and Alf was working the till that day.

I’ve become more blunt with him over the years, particularly when it strays into how dreadful it is that we live in London, isn’t it sad DH can’t get a local job (I make double what DH does but my career doesn’t count, also how sad the kids have to go to nursery /clubs, same for SIL’s kids, what a pity women need to work these days.)

I also spend an awful lot of time in the loo. It’s the only place he doesn’t follow me....

@matildalovesbooks I agree she needs to try and give her MIL time and put comfortable boundaries in place, but you've made a lot of assumptions in your post

"must have been a Tuesday, no actually it was a Thursday because it was late closing in the shop and Alf was working the till that day"

Actually, I think you'll find it was a Wednesday, because he had his bike with him and he always cycled on a Wednesday... or was that another film, yes it might have been you know because the cycle clips he was wearing that day were neon and they didn't have neon cycle clips until 1972, or was it 1974? It could have been 1974, you know, because in the football Arsenal were playing that week and they were in the cup that year, so cycling in - up the Kent Road, then take a left at the traffic lights onto the Dale Road and then right up the A-road past three loads of lights and then the roundabout - it's a lot busier now than it used to be in those days - and at the roundabout you take the first left, no actually it might be the second left....

Don’t write them off, bexyboo. My brother’s kids have an amazing relationship with my mum and dad. Mum collects them from nursery a couple of days a week (entirely voluntary, nursery goes until 6pm but Mum gets my niece at 3pm. When my mum’s away my soppy dad takes the afternoon off rather than disrupt their routine. The kids absolutely adore my parents. My mother is incredibly careful with all three of her kids not to give unsolicited advice, and will go out of her way to praise the parenting of her son in law and daughter in law, and some of the parenting choices we’ve made. Ultimately, she’s a kind person who sees her kids and their partners as people in their own right.

My niece and nephews barely know SIL’s parents, because they are self-centred nightmares who think their relationship with SIL and the kids should revolve firmly around them. There’s no give and take or acts of kindness. A lot of ‘advice’ (actually instructions) and demands.

Be decent, and treat future daughters in law with respect and as equals. You might be surprised.

Honestly? I wouldn't stay with anyone. I was bullied into staying with PIL two weeks after having DS, a four hour car journey. We had to stop every half hour or so for DS and I to sort ourselves out. It was too much, too soon, and too intense. It sent me spiralling towards PND which I'm still struggling with now. I think it would have been the same with my parents too. When you're in someone else's home you feel like you constantly have to be 'switched on', even more so with a new baby and feeling like everyone is assessing your ability to parent (whether it's true or not).

Stay at your uncles. You'll be really grateful for the personal space. That way, if you don't feel like getting out of bed one day, and just want to sit and watch Netflix in bed with the baby - you can.

@Boredandtired I haven't made assumptions at all. The OP said in her original post that she limits conversation with her MiL and often conversations are one-sided because she doesn't talk. If your own DiL doesn't make an effort to speak to you or offer any conversation, you would be quite hurt. The OP seems cold and unwilling to even try and emphasise with her MiL.

and at the roundabout you take the first left, no actually it might be the second left....

You know, it was originally the first left but they built a new exit when they built that retail park in 1987, now what was the big shop there, you know the one*, it’s Hobbycraft now, no not Hobbycraft but the one like Hobbycraft. That’s right, it’s Next now but it wasn’t then, well it wouldn’t have been, would it, now it definitely wasn’t C&A, oh now that was a shop, used to be on Dover Street, back before the ring road.’

*(I don’t. In 1987 I was ten years old and had never left Australia.)

If your own DiL doesn't make an effort to speak to you or offer any conversation, you would be quite hurt.

Nah. My FIL would barely register it.

Aren’t you equally outraged about a MiL who doesn’t make an effort to engage with her DIL except to take snippets of information the DIL manages to slip in edgewise and display her expertise on the subject?

Funny old world.

@JassieRadlett.

In my case, it's actually a two-person thing where MIL and FIL bicker. So it would be even more agonizingly slow:

MIL: You know it was originally the first left
FIL: Actually, it's the second left
MIL: No, it's the first left DEAR
FIL: No DEAR it's the second left, the first left is where the buses turn off to park
MIL: That's not a road, therefore it is not the first left
FIL: It is a road, DEAR
MIL: No-one bus buses goes down there
FIL:: I think you'll find under the provisions of the 1962 Bus Parking Act, it officially qualifies as a road, which is defined as a 'tarmac surface on which vehicles manouevre'
MIL: Oh well, then, it was originally the second left, with the big shop, you know, where Hobbycraft is now
FIL: It's not Hobbycraft
MIL: It is
FIL: It's not Hobbycraft, it's Handycraft
MIL: Handycraft then. It's very downmarket there, you know, they sell horrible plastic things that you put on cakes, I mean who wants a bright orange cake like a fruit?
FIL: Or vegetable. Some vegetables are orange.
Me:

Stay at your uncles. You'll be really grateful for the personal space. That way, if you don't feel like getting out of bed one day, and just want to sit and watch Netflix in bed with the baby - you can.

This would be spectacularly selfish!