DESPERATE for advice. Is my DP being fair?

[LotusFlowerBomb]

* LONG POST*

My family consists of myself, DP, DD who is 2 years old & DS who is 11 months old. DP also has a daughter from his previous relationship who is 7 years old. We have a fantastic relationship and we get on very well.

DSD comes around regularly, although DP and her mother have no set contact arrangements in place. Her coming over is always on her mother’s terms and around her mothers plans. This can be very spontaneous and we are usually given very short notice. Fine no Problem..... again as I said we have a fantastic relationship and we get on very well. I’m also very keen on supporting DP with his wish to include DSD as much as possible.

ALTHOUGH..

DP sometimes agrees to arrangements that her mother has initiated on days that he knows he has his own plans, with the expectation that I am available in his absence. At first I never used to mind, especially when I only had my DD. I would always organise fun days out etc. But now that we have DS, I’m starting to find things a lil difficult when I’m left alone with all three children.
There has also been numerous occasions where I have had my own plans, arranged childcare for DD and DS but then DSDs mother will randomly call asking for DSD to be collected in which DP will adhere to - knowing well that he’s busy and I also have plans.
Situations like this means I will usually cancel my plans because DSD always prefers to hang out with myself than her father. I also start to feel a lil guilty and I can never bring myself to continue with my plans knowing she’s be left alone, bored with DP & potentially feel like we are leaving her out.
This is a continuous cycle and I am now starting to feel a Lil resentful at the fact that plans are made without my involvement and I’m automatically expected to be her main caregiver?
I’m starting to almost feel like a babysitter for both DP and DSDs mother.

I’m note sure how to approach/tackle the situation to DP as I would hate to come across as an evil stepmother. But I’m starting to get very upset about this.
Please do not get me wrong, i love my DSD I’m all for her coming over at any time - but I’m worried that DP will go always about his business and expect me to care for all three children on my own.
DP will always argue that DSDs presence shouldn’t make a difference, and if I had plans I could always arrange for DSD to be included In childcare plans. Thing is - I actually will if I am least given the heads up on when DSD is coming!!!!! Also my DM looks after DD and DS when I have plans and I would hate to take advantage of this by asking her to also take DSD.
Not to Mention It’s difficult to look after 3 of them alone.

DP also does DSD School runs Monday to Friday. DSD lives an hour away. Her school is a 10 min drive from her mother’s place.
Im currently on maternity leave and I’m due to return to work very soon. Till date I’ve been doing DDs school runs alone/looking after DS. Both DD & DS have special needs so loads of hospital appointments that I have to do alone as DP has to plan his day around DSDs school runs.
I’ve asked DP what our plans will be re childcare as I’ll be returning to work to which he responded “ Well I’ve got to sort out DSD so I’m not sure on what we are gong to do”.
FWIW I only work Monday to Wednesday so I was expecting him to suggest he will dedicate my working days to accommodate DD and DS and maybe use the reminder to dedicate to DSD. I don’t think it’s fair DSDs mother expects DP to do the school runs every day, especially as she knows we like an hour away and she’s literally around he corner.
DSDs mother always guilt trips DP. DP also suffers from Guilty dad syndrome and feels bad that DSD lives away from our household.

Is this fair? Or am I being over sensitive ?
Can anyone suggest ways we can work through this ?
I’m really really upset about this all. DP doesn’t know how I feel yet and as I reiterate, I really don’t want to come across as a bad person. I also want to encourage DP to be involved in DSDs life but I’m starting to feel Like we are being pushed to the side.

Please help :(

Your DP is taking the piss expecting you to just have his DD at the drop of a hat. You’re not wrong here, he is. As for the childcare he needs to realise he has 3 children not 1 and work out something that sorts all three kids out.

Was there discussions between you before you planned to have your DS, about how you would manage?

Has your Mum said that she struggles with all three of them?

Why will DSD be bored with him?

There is a step-parenting board where you may get a better response.

You need to stop being a doormat.

If your partner cannot organise himself to physically care for his daughter when he agrees with her mother he will, then you need to stop doing it for him. Make your excuses and leave him to deal with her. Once he realises you are not dropping your plans and you do it a couple of times, then he will clear it with you first before agreeing.

In regards to the school runs. Leave him to sort out all 3 kids. (The commonsense solution is to pay for pre-school care for the oldest and who ever she stays overnight with takes her to that care.)

You should also ask again for him to sort out a parenting arrangement with her mother. That way her half-siblings will know when they expect to see her plus you both can ensure you better incorporate her needs into your lives.

DP started doing school runs after I had my DS, so nothing to discuss before he was conceived.

Yes my DM has voiced out her concerns. I also believe it’s not my mother’s place to babysit DSD.

You need to make a plan and have a talk. Your not so DH is being a jerk.
Arrange the new systems before you go back to work o it is not too much change all at once for everyone.

@LotusFlowerBomb there is nothing wrong with your mother looking after SD if everything has been agreed and sorted out in advance. The problem is your DP doesn't care as you always sort things out for him. Stop doing it. He is capable of doing it himself as he's an adult.

That your DH drives an hour to pick her up to take her to school then an hour back again, when her and her mother live 10 minutes from the school, is frankly ridiculous. I'd be getting that stopped right now. If her mother can't walk with her/drop her off, then she can pay for her to get a bus or taxi. It would almost certainly cost you less even if you paid for the taxis, than you're paying in fuel, plus the extra mileage on your car, wear and tear to the car, higher insurance premium due to annual mileage etc.

Why did he start doing the school run, that doesn't make sense.

Is there a real reason why his ex can't do them?

I dont think you are being unreasonable at all.

What I get from this post is that there is no structure regarding DSD at all. The school run thing is flipping ludicrous.

Having a blended family is hard to get a handle on; but, this does not mean that you are the de facto babysitter. I understand your DH may feel guilt that he is not there 24/7 for DSD but the reality is in a split family... he cant be. He sounds like he is pulling his weight but that doesnt give him the right to transfer his guilt onto you, and ruin plans that you have made for your family unit at the last minute.

@BlueBug45 has it spot on. Your DH and his ex need to make a shared parenting plan. That way everyone knows where they stand.

Ex had a baby with her new partner around the same time I had my DS.
During her pregnancy, EX started complaining saying shes needs DP to step
up and assist her with school runs as she was finding things difficult. The arrangement has carried on till date. Every time DP tries to handover back to ex she goes off on one. DP feels guilty and gives in

Where is her partner? I'm assuming they live as a family when DSD is not with you?

I'm sorry if I come across as rude here, but your DP needs to get some balls and say no. Its not being mean to his daughter, its about establishing a routine that can be committed to. Which is actually best for the kids in the long run.

Mum (not you, other mum) is coming across as milking the situation a bit.

So he's done his share for nearly a year? I believe in shared care, but given the distance, it needs to stop.

I'm not saying that your Mum should babysit, but if you going to continue with your DP, then she is a sort of Grandparent.

Does he ever care for all three children at the same time? I agree with his statement that DSD shouldn't make a difference, as long as he is stepping up and you have an arrangement in place so you can plan activities, on account of the age gap.

Did he move an hour away from his DD?

It's great that you and DSD have a good relationship, but she doesn't live with you full time so it is perfectly reasonable that when she is not with your family you make arrangements for the other children.

What is NOT reasonable is that you are expected to alter your arrangements at short notice, obviously in an emergency situation you would do this as you sound kind and understanding, but if changes are made at short notice just because your oh and his ex can't get their shit together then it is not fair that the other children and you bear the brunt.

Get a giant calendar and write everything on it, tell your OH that if you have activities planned then they are going to happen, and that if DSD needs care at short notice then he is going to have to rearrange his plans., not you., this would be easier if normal access arrangements were agreed by all parties.

The school run thing is crazy, you need to get that sorted, it is a waste of your oh's time and fuel.

Exs partner lives abroad

DP Has never cared for all DC at the same time, well alone anyway.

Can I just add that DP has never once been to DDs nursery nor does he know her teachers, what's going on or make any effort.
His excuse is always that DSD lives away from our household so he needs to give her extra attention. I really don't like this and I feel all our DC should be treated equally, just as I treat DSD as I would my own. We once had a disgreeement and he accused me of being jealous of DSD. I'm really getting tired of this.....

The children aren't starting off on an equal footing, his DSD lives elsewhere. Treating children equally isn't always fair. that can work both ways, as yours will have different needs on account of their SN. She also won't ever have a full Sibling.

DP can't expect you or your Mum to do what he won't.

Tbh, he's a bit of a shit Dad. A lot of these problems should have been ironed out, before your first pregnancy.

You need to start with him doing the Caring for DSD, when he says, yes, to his ex.

Is he a good hands-on Dad to your two?

Firstly FD does not hangout with "myself" she hangs out with "me".

Secondly, you are a family, she should be treated as your daughter. How hard is it to look after an extra child. Poor kid.

YANBU but your problem is your “D”P
He sounds altogether useless

whatshall are you for real? He's taking the piss and OP has to just suck it up? I bet if she was posting about reprimanding SD or inputting into her schooling you'd tell her its not her job.

Blooody hell what a situation he has created and is maintaining! Stop facilitating his, and her, whims! Stick to your plans. Why should he not drop his for his daughter?! And, the bigger question, WHY does his daughter not actually want to spend that time with him?

Why did he and his ex split up btw?

Is he spending four hours a day doing the school run?

What are these plans he makes when he says he can have dd but then he can’t actually look after her as he has plans?

It sounds to me he’s taking the easy way out. No babies and toddlers to look after for him. Just a nice easy seven year old who can put on her own tights, wipe her own bottom and fasten her own seatbelt.

Your partner needs to find a better way of dealing with his ex having a tantrum every time he doesn't pander to her. It's ludicrous that she claims to be unable to cope with the school run because she has a baby when the reality is that you are expected to cope with two children with special needs. If your partner just tells her he's cutting down the school run to, say, five days a fortnight, she'll cope - and, face it, she's not going to cut him off because she's clearly dependent on him for help.

He's useless.

Time for an honest conversation. Tell him with going back to work you need more concrete plans and that you also need him to be involved in your children's lives.

Ask him to sit down with his ex and make a rota of school runs and time your DSD will spend with you. It's perfectly acceptable and most separated families have contact arrangements in place. I can't see why school runs can't be shared.

Wow...sweetie you are an utter angel 😇...none of my friends would put up with that..not a chance in hell.fucking rediculous yr dh is doing the school run an hour away each day....how on earth does he manage to earn a living while doing that amount of driving...you have your hands full with your own kids,,and not getting any help either by the sound of it..your dh has you exactly where he wants you ,feeling guilty and agreeing to have her when ever the mother shouts jump...he clearly says how high...your husband needs to set clear days for having his dd.and stick to it..go back to court if to sort it out..the mother needs to be doing the school run.thats the absolute minimum I would expect,for me to stay In that relationship..both dsd parents are using you,and not caring about you..so take a stand ,and care for yourself ,before you get burned out x

Does your DP not have a job? Otherwise how can he spend 4 hours a day doing school runs? If he had a job with standard hours, his exP would have to manage the runs herself.