DESPERATE for advice. Is my DP being fair?

[LotusFlowerBomb]

* LONG POST*

My family consists of myself, DP, DD who is 2 years old & DS who is 11 months old. DP also has a daughter from his previous relationship who is 7 years old. We have a fantastic relationship and we get on very well.

DSD comes around regularly, although DP and her mother have no set contact arrangements in place. Her coming over is always on her mother’s terms and around her mothers plans. This can be very spontaneous and we are usually given very short notice. Fine no Problem..... again as I said we have a fantastic relationship and we get on very well. I’m also very keen on supporting DP with his wish to include DSD as much as possible.

ALTHOUGH..

DP sometimes agrees to arrangements that her mother has initiated on days that he knows he has his own plans, with the expectation that I am available in his absence. At first I never used to mind, especially when I only had my DD. I would always organise fun days out etc. But now that we have DS, I’m starting to find things a lil difficult when I’m left alone with all three children.
There has also been numerous occasions where I have had my own plans, arranged childcare for DD and DS but then DSDs mother will randomly call asking for DSD to be collected in which DP will adhere to - knowing well that he’s busy and I also have plans.
Situations like this means I will usually cancel my plans because DSD always prefers to hang out with myself than her father. I also start to feel a lil guilty and I can never bring myself to continue with my plans knowing she’s be left alone, bored with DP & potentially feel like we are leaving her out.
This is a continuous cycle and I am now starting to feel a Lil resentful at the fact that plans are made without my involvement and I’m automatically expected to be her main caregiver?
I’m starting to almost feel like a babysitter for both DP and DSDs mother.

I’m note sure how to approach/tackle the situation to DP as I would hate to come across as an evil stepmother. But I’m starting to get very upset about this.
Please do not get me wrong, i love my DSD I’m all for her coming over at any time - but I’m worried that DP will go always about his business and expect me to care for all three children on my own.
DP will always argue that DSDs presence shouldn’t make a difference, and if I had plans I could always arrange for DSD to be included In childcare plans. Thing is - I actually will if I am least given the heads up on when DSD is coming!!!!! Also my DM looks after DD and DS when I have plans and I would hate to take advantage of this by asking her to also take DSD.
Not to Mention It’s difficult to look after 3 of them alone.

DP also does DSD School runs Monday to Friday. DSD lives an hour away. Her school is a 10 min drive from her mother’s place.
Im currently on maternity leave and I’m due to return to work very soon. Till date I’ve been doing DDs school runs alone/looking after DS. Both DD & DS have special needs so loads of hospital appointments that I have to do alone as DP has to plan his day around DSDs school runs.
I’ve asked DP what our plans will be re childcare as I’ll be returning to work to which he responded “ Well I’ve got to sort out DSD so I’m not sure on what we are gong to do”.
FWIW I only work Monday to Wednesday so I was expecting him to suggest he will dedicate my working days to accommodate DD and DS and maybe use the reminder to dedicate to DSD. I don’t think it’s fair DSDs mother expects DP to do the school runs every day, especially as she knows we like an hour away and she’s literally around he corner.
DSDs mother always guilt trips DP. DP also suffers from Guilty dad syndrome and feels bad that DSD lives away from our household.

Is this fair? Or am I being over sensitive ?
Can anyone suggest ways we can work through this ?
I’m really really upset about this all. DP doesn’t know how I feel yet and as I reiterate, I really don’t want to come across as a bad person. I also want to encourage DP to be involved in DSDs life but I’m starting to feel Like we are being pushed to the side.

Please help :(

My ex (dd’s Father) used to do this to me all the time. The amount of resentment I felt was untenable. I felt so taken for granted, that he would agree to look after his other kids and then piss off out to do whatever he already doing and leave me to deal with all three kids at short notice. Often he would already be out and call me to tell me they were arriving in half an hour! It was as if their mother’s needs were more important than mine. He also never understood that the issue was not with his kids coming over (he tried to say I resented them etc etc) but with the way he was using me. It was a huge factor in us splitting up TBH.

Secondly, you are a family, she should be treated as your daughter. How hard is it to look after an extra child. Poor kid.

How hard ? Pretty much impossible to look after a child when you're not there because you've made plans to be elsewhere and your dc are at their pre arranged childcare.

Op I would just say that as you are returning to work you are no longer available on an ad hoc basis and the you need to know in advance any arrangement re DSD that will effect you. You would like clearer arrangement out in place as you have accommodated DSD’s mother’s whims up to now. Also your children are growing and will have after school activities in the future.

You sound like a very caring stepmum, OP, and a better parent to DSD than DH is being to your two children together.

The school run thing is insane. That needs to be stomped out now. DSD's mother can do that. Millions of other parents manage to get a child to school ten minutes away whilst dealing with a baby, so she needs to step up and parent her child. 'D'H needs to step up and parent his other two children. Is he trying to avoid dealing with your children's special needs?

I would tell DH he needs to get an official court ordered visitation schedule in place, so that everyone knows what's happening and when. Then DH needs to not make plans on those days. If he's not willing to do that, then he has to be the one to drop/change his plans whilst you continue on with what you'd originally planned.

Both DD & DS have special needs so loads of hospital appointments that I have to do alone as DP has to plan his day around DSDs school runs. I’ve asked DP what our plans will be re childcare as I’ll be returning to work to which he responded “ Well I’ve got to sort out DSD so I’m not sure on what we are gong to do”.

No, just no. When your kids get old enough, ask him what he plans to say to his younger children as to why he continually favours and priorities their older sister?

So the discussion has to be about you and not DSD

I'm not happy when you arrange my time without asking
DM is not happy to look after 3 children so we need to discuss alternative arrangements
I'm sticking to any pre arranged outings so you need to organise yourself
I'm not happy that you don't do childcare for our children on the same basis and need you to help more .....

Make it about you .... and please get a backbone and leave him to deal with his own arrangements

Sorry to be anal but 'lil' as a substitute for 'little' put me off reading the rest!

This is absolutely not fair. He’s not only not doing his share with your kids, he’s adding to your load with his kid.

He’s taking the piss.

So he has time to waste driving round for hours on a ridiculously protracted school run and then buggers off out with his 'hobby' or whatever (he's not another cyclist is he?). So you are expected to deal with all the school runs, getting ready for school etc. With your 2 going forward? When you go back to work? Then in your days off work you're expected to look after 3 children whilst he does as he pleases? If you're resentful now you'll be feeling murderous after a few months of that.

You seem afraid of raising your very valid concerns with him. Why?

Going slightly off on a tangent how does maintenance work when contact is ad/hoc?

Your DH already sees you as the default babysitter. You do need to start saying no to spontaneous arrangements made by him. It will be hard at first but you have a lot on your plate and nothing to feel guilty about.

A parenting agreement sounds like a good way forward. You would also benefit from making an agreement between yourselves about how things will work between you and him regarding childcare. E.g he has to check with you if he wants you to have DSD when he's not around. Your mother is not a default babysitter for the three children.

His Ex is taking advantage. Many many parents manage a school run with other younger siblings tagging along. I'm sorry if I missed another reason for your dh taking over the school run. If you lived around the corner that would be different.

First step is to talk it all through with him . You sound lovely and a great step mother. Your DP is lucky that you have a good relationship with DSD. He needs to work on his relationship with her if anything!

Good luck.

We have a fantastic relationship and we get on very well.

This is not a fantastic relationship. This is you doing what he wants.

When you stop dancing to his tune you will see the real him.

V good point from ineeda. Does your DP get off paying maintenance in return for being on call? That would make more sense than anything else.

The long distance school run has to stop, that's madness! And it sounds like if there were more communication it would be better all round. Do you have a family calendar? If not, put one up where you can all see it and have a column for everyone inc the kids, then sit down and agree to check in the calendar/with partner before making plans involving babysitting. Then if he still does it just say no. It's ridiculous because with better planning he could also be around for her visits and make more of them.

A few points.
It's not your mother's job to provide free childcare for dsd plus two babies with special needs.
Your dp needs to make clear, set arrangements with his ex.
You need to stop cancelling your plans, your dp is using you.
Still to your plans , dp will soon alter his ways when he has to do the childcare.

This is a terrible relationship, not a fantastic one! You need to just say no when you have other plans and tell yourself I do not feel guilty. Repeat. If your do accuses you of bias your stock response should be ‘I’m a better parent to your daughter with x than you are to your children with me’ and repeat.
You need a schedule for dsds drop off and you need dp to have all 3 on his own. They are his children. (I agree with pp that eventually your mum needs to treat them like the 3 children in your family but I would flatly never ask her until your dp can look after his own children - you can’t ask your mum to look after a child that’s not her daughters while your dp can’t manage the 3 himself... )

DP is currently unemployed (another issue we are currently dealing with). For now he’s volunteered to be a SAHP while he sorts himself out although now it’s quite clear that this status will not really be useful to DD, DS and I as he’s quite hands on with DSD.

DP always gets defensive when it comes to DSD and I just don’t want to come across as making a fusss. In the past we have had rows over this issue so I’m being extra careful this time. DP has also accused me of being jealous of DSD which I found very hurtful. over all, as I keep stressing - I do not want to come across as an evil step parent.

I left a relationship for exactly this reason. I was expected to change everything around the ex wife's plans including my work rota! On the contact days, DP sometimes didn't see his kids at all! I fetched them entertained them, fed them and took them back. After 9 months of this I had had a titful and left. Never regretted it. I missed the kids though. They are adults now. I hope they didn't grow up entitled arseholes like both parents!

Does the ex know that her daughter having palmed off with your mother ?
Does he pay maintenance ?

So will he be doing the school run with the 2 little ones in the car every day? That won't be much fun for them

DP pays maintenance to ex from inheritance/savings (£550 4-weekly).

They've got you well and truly trained OP, like a particularly docile dog. It's a wonder you've managed to come onto Mumsnet to question the situation.

I expect you'll try to talk to him again with little success. He'll block everything you suggest and try to paint you as the wicked, jealous stepmother he knows you are not. So you'll back down and continue as you are because what else are you going to do? Break up the family? I don't think so. But many years down the line when being used and abused has made you bitter and twisted (plus add in a few other marital difficulties) you will probably eventually come to the end of your tether, and regret wasting so many years.

He doesn't work yet cannot cope with all 3 of his kids!!!!!

I think you have bigger problems than the dsd.
He sounds a real catch.
Why the hell isn't he looking after the dc?
If I was your mother id be telling you both where to go.

How long have you been with your partner op?

He is playing on your fears of being the evil stepmother as a way of getting what he wants though! The accusations of you being jealous of DSD etc are his way of making you feel bad and a way of controlling your behaviour to the point where YOU are cancelling your plans to look after his daughter because he won't (and if he's unemployed, and not looking after her isn't due to work commitments, there's absolutely no excuse).

First of all stop rearranging your plans to facilitate him being the Disney dad. The school run thing is ludicrous and needs to stop, especially when you go back to work. Agree with a pp in that your discussion should focus on what you and your children with him need, which is not to always be a lower priority than DSD.

Just tell him things have to change. He needs to tell the ex to step up - you aren't her childcare.