DESPERATE for advice. Is my DP being fair?

[LotusFlowerBomb]

* LONG POST*

My family consists of myself, DP, DD who is 2 years old & DS who is 11 months old. DP also has a daughter from his previous relationship who is 7 years old. We have a fantastic relationship and we get on very well.

DSD comes around regularly, although DP and her mother have no set contact arrangements in place. Her coming over is always on her mother’s terms and around her mothers plans. This can be very spontaneous and we are usually given very short notice. Fine no Problem..... again as I said we have a fantastic relationship and we get on very well. I’m also very keen on supporting DP with his wish to include DSD as much as possible.

ALTHOUGH..

DP sometimes agrees to arrangements that her mother has initiated on days that he knows he has his own plans, with the expectation that I am available in his absence. At first I never used to mind, especially when I only had my DD. I would always organise fun days out etc. But now that we have DS, I’m starting to find things a lil difficult when I’m left alone with all three children.
There has also been numerous occasions where I have had my own plans, arranged childcare for DD and DS but then DSDs mother will randomly call asking for DSD to be collected in which DP will adhere to - knowing well that he’s busy and I also have plans.
Situations like this means I will usually cancel my plans because DSD always prefers to hang out with myself than her father. I also start to feel a lil guilty and I can never bring myself to continue with my plans knowing she’s be left alone, bored with DP & potentially feel like we are leaving her out.
This is a continuous cycle and I am now starting to feel a Lil resentful at the fact that plans are made without my involvement and I’m automatically expected to be her main caregiver?
I’m starting to almost feel like a babysitter for both DP and DSDs mother.

I’m note sure how to approach/tackle the situation to DP as I would hate to come across as an evil stepmother. But I’m starting to get very upset about this.
Please do not get me wrong, i love my DSD I’m all for her coming over at any time - but I’m worried that DP will go always about his business and expect me to care for all three children on my own.
DP will always argue that DSDs presence shouldn’t make a difference, and if I had plans I could always arrange for DSD to be included In childcare plans. Thing is - I actually will if I am least given the heads up on when DSD is coming!!!!! Also my DM looks after DD and DS when I have plans and I would hate to take advantage of this by asking her to also take DSD.
Not to Mention It’s difficult to look after 3 of them alone.

DP also does DSD School runs Monday to Friday. DSD lives an hour away. Her school is a 10 min drive from her mother’s place.
Im currently on maternity leave and I’m due to return to work very soon. Till date I’ve been doing DDs school runs alone/looking after DS. Both DD & DS have special needs so loads of hospital appointments that I have to do alone as DP has to plan his day around DSDs school runs.
I’ve asked DP what our plans will be re childcare as I’ll be returning to work to which he responded “ Well I’ve got to sort out DSD so I’m not sure on what we are gong to do”.
FWIW I only work Monday to Wednesday so I was expecting him to suggest he will dedicate my working days to accommodate DD and DS and maybe use the reminder to dedicate to DSD. I don’t think it’s fair DSDs mother expects DP to do the school runs every day, especially as she knows we like an hour away and she’s literally around he corner.
DSDs mother always guilt trips DP. DP also suffers from Guilty dad syndrome and feels bad that DSD lives away from our household.

Is this fair? Or am I being over sensitive ?
Can anyone suggest ways we can work through this ?
I’m really really upset about this all. DP doesn’t know how I feel yet and as I reiterate, I really don’t want to come across as a bad person. I also want to encourage DP to be involved in DSDs life but I’m starting to feel Like we are being pushed to the side.

Please help :(

Is he going to take the other 2 along for the school drop off when you return to work or is your mum expected to have them or drop them to childcare arrangements?
As he's a SAHD he needs to sort his day out and work round the kids needs. I hope he has a daily job list so does most of the house work while your out?

Sound like a crap situation all round

Firstly OP, you sound lovely.🌸
You can't carry on like this, but it is you who is going to have to put the wheels in motion, in order for things to change.
Your DH is a fool.
You have to sit down and calmly tell him, that you will no longer be accommodating his daughter at the drop of a hat. That your DM finds if too much, at times. That he needs to discuss his plans, in order that they fit in with yours. Most importantly, that he has three children, not just one !
Talking over you, getting irrate, saying you are jealous, are all bullying tactics, to make you comply, he knows who you are.
If he won't listen, can't compromise, maybe he should move back in with them, only I don't think his ex would put up with him, and Sweet, neither should you !

I have to say I would be weary of having him as a SAHP. If he is getting verybstubborn and refuses to think about the rest of his current family unit, I suspect you will get very resentful and the relationship will break down (something he really needs to be aware about too). You need to think if you would be happy with him being the RP and you the NRP.

I was going to say this. If your relationship isn't exactly thriving at the moment be careful of declaring him a SAHD. Even though you only work 2/3 days he could be seen as the primary caregiver if you were to split.

Hang on, aside from all this crazy driving around nonsense, he pays £550 a month from savings to his ex for maintenance when he's unemployed, provides childcare at the drop of a hat and spends 4 hours a day presumably taxi-ing his daughter from and to her mother's house an hour away... this is all insane on so many levels.
What would he do if he got a job? And if he's a stay at home dad why do you need childcare so much from your mum (and nursery?) I'm fairly sure if he had to take an 11 month old and 2 yr old on these ridiculous daily trips he'd realise how daft it is. It would mess their lives up and also mean most of their day in the car.
I expect your mums issue is with the imbalance in all of this rather than DSD. If he's paying all that fuel and time, he should not be paying £550 a month, and that seems an awful lot for someone unemployed? Employed people I know with more kids pay less.
His ex is sat there with loads of money and not having to do anything by the sounds of it.

Charleston: to you. about SAHD's (hopefully not all)
to op.

DSD comes around regularly, although DP and her mother have no set contact arrangements in place. Her coming over is always on her mother’s terms and around her mothers plans. This can be very spontaneous and we are usually given very short notice. Fine no Problem.....

This is a problem. A big problem!

You have been far too reasonable. Your lives are being controlled by the Ex, her needs, her wants, her agenda, her timetable.

You are being used as an unpaid, unappreciated childminder.

It is not good for your DSD, being sent to you whenever it is convenient for her mother. My STRONG advice to you is insist on a regular timetable. Insist! Something that of course should be okay with Ex and DP, and also you! You are allowed a say... or are you just the childminder who keeps quiet, makes no waves, lets her DPs Ex and his bending to what she wants control her life?

I know because I did this, for years. Looking back what a mug I was. I thought I was doing my step kids a kindness by being on hand to look after them while their mother sent them to me without notice. DP like yours, often at work, because he was paying maintenance to Ex who was supposed to be resident parent but wasn’t. Pretended to be!

Do you know what I’ve ended up with? Step kids who couldnt care less about me and their half brother, despite years of being their main carer, an EW who got very quickly nasty and spiteful about me because I stopped being her childminder, who poisoned her kids then about me, and a spineless DP who did more to protect his EW than take care of me and our child, so we are breaking up. What a mess!

Don’t be me. Stand firm now. Even go to a good counselor with your DP. If EW or DP don’t want a regular timetable you’ll know you (and DSD) are being put to the bottom of the list.

Would it not be cheaper for dp to pay for breakfast club for dsd than drive an hour each way on a morning

LOL! A SAHD, who does no housework, lifework or childcare. Then when the money is blown because he's too fucking lazy to work he'll turn to your with his palm out, expecting you to work more hours to keep paying the same level of maintenance. You'll never be rid of him.

Have you ever pointed out to him that you would be better off emotionally and financially if you broke up? Presumably he would pay you a good rate of maintenance, you know, like he does now for his ex and he would presumably provide you with childcare at the drop of a hat, you know, like he does now for his ex (by using you). You already look after your two children almost entirely on your own and presumably you wouldn't have a third child dumped on you by her parents whenever they both had other more important things to do. You also wouldn't get called jealous and be sent on a guilt trip for complaining about their stellar childcare arrangements that completely ignore what works for you and your two children. Your responsibilities would lessen and his responsibilities would begin.

What do you actually get out of this relationship?

@eveforever good point! If they split up she'd get £1100 for 2 kids surely... he might have to get a job to pay that level for all 3 and then he'd really struggle being a stay ah home dad and juggling all those school runs.
He sounds bloody lazy actually. Sitting in the car all that time doing nothing and thinking that's ok.

I was kind of meaning that if you point out how breaking up would leave you in a better position it might put the wind up him and give him some impetus to improve matters, but after I wrote that I am wondering if this relationship is worth it? I know that reads as being harsh, but maybe we're missing something OP?

I think as it's his DD, then he needs to be avail;able to care for her if he agrees to do so with his ex. Expecting you to rearrange your plans to look after her is just not on. Either he's there to do it, or he says no to his ex.

Here's your problem:

Every time DP tries to handover back to ex she goes off on one.

I just don’t want to come across as making a fusss. In the past we have had rows over this issue so I’m being extra careful this time.

You act like a doormat you get treated like a doormat. You fight for what you want and you might just get what you want.

You pay too much attention to the words coming out of his mouth. So what if he says you are jealous? So what if he says it shouldn't be any bother for you? So what if he gets the hump? He's your boyfriend not your lord and master. You can let him be upset, you can let him say/believ incorrect things. You can make a hell of a fuss. It's OK.

Are you terrified of confrontation? Would it keep you awake at night if someone thought badly of you? Are you full of anxiety if men are being grumpy?

Your DP is not working, yet doesn't have time to look after his DD and your joint children? Wow! Sounds like you're the housekeeper to both DP and the ex!!

Gosh OP I’ve read more of your posts and actually feel very upset for you. It’s very similar to my experience. I started to stick up for myself and my DP would say that...

• I was being jealous and obsessive about EW
• I was being mean to his children and pushing them out as this was THEIR HOME
• I also received nasty messages from EW saying that DSDs could go to me anytime as it was THEIR HOME and as teenagers they didn’t need looking after. (One was nine)
• I had DP say that if the children were living with us full time I’d have to anyway so why was I pushing them out.

All the above was abusive, bullying behaviour directed at me. And if you get the same it is abusive to you. It took me a long time to figure it out. And when I realised how devalued I was it was a shock.

It’s nothing to do with your DSD, in fact I’d be wary of having such a good relationship as in the long term that can be hard for her, she needs her Mum to be her Mum. We are enabling their mothers to pull back and I think they experience rejection. My DSD was rejected by her mother but now lives with her (22) and rejects me. I think it mucks them up. To protect your DSD I think you need to insist on that timetable.

To protect your own kids with DP you need to insist decisions are made as a unit. So sorry about this, I don’t think you realise how bad it is yet.

I’m sorry but I just cant get over the fact your DP spends 4 hours a day in the car to get his DD to and from school ten minutes from her house.

How exactly does he intend to get a job when he would be only available between 10am and 2pm or work nights, and then be too tired to be safely on the road?!

This set up is ridiculous.

Rabbits makes a very good point. You are extra careful so you won't upset DH by calling out his totally unreasonable behavior. And he and ex are taking full advantage.

He must be very well off to afford to pay over £500 a month in maintenance, plus all the fuel, also having 2 other children to support, whilst you are on maternity and he's unemployed! He's doing better than a lot of men I know who work full time and wouldn't be able to afford that!

I do like Eves suggestion of pointing out how you would be better off without him. It sounds as though he is carrying on willy nilly with his social life rather than caring for his two youngest children when you have plans, but you are expected to drop everything to accommodate him.

It sounds as though he is enjoying playing the hero by doing the school run each day and "helping" out his ex whenever she asks. I do wonder if he is doing it in a case of one-upmanship, because his Ex's partner is overseas. It's also a very handy way of checking up on her twice a day, five days a week, as he picks up and drops off. Meanwhile you are at home dealing with his other 2 children and his Ex continues to manipulate you all.

Your DSD obviously needs some proper structure in her life and you need an arrangement which works for you, especially when you go back to work, which forces him to parent his two children with you as well as his older DD. I sounds as though your DP and his Ex should split custody properly and get an independent assessment based on that of the maintenance he should be paying. It's time to sit down and spell out the impact this is all having on you & your family.

The whole things sounds utterly mad. A couple of points:

1. He's paying maintenance out of savings / inheritance? That needs to change, because it will eventually run out. Encourage him to go through the proper channels so it comes from his income - if that's zero, it's for him and his ex to sort out.

2. As pp have said, if he's classed as a SAHD (albeit one who can't take care of two of his children because he has to dedicate the entire day to "sorting out" a 7-year-old's school runs) this could cause problems if and when you decide to separate.

3. it's disturbing (bit not surprising) that his daughter prefers you to her own father.

I think you need to sit down with your dp and possibly his ex too, and discuss how best to work out the contact with DSD. Nobody can seriously think that your dp driving for hours every day is the best solution to the school run. I feel like he's agreed to this because it's a way to look incredibly dedicated, that doesn't really impact on his life that much - he probably likes a few hours in his car, listening to whatever he wants on the radio, away from the chaos of a house full of small children.

Frame it as doing the best thing for DSD - surely it';s better for her to have contact days when she's actually going to have contact with her dad, not a random babysitter? Maybe suggest a weekly schedule of times you'll have dsd so you can make HER time with her dad better.

Or just leave your dp and let this all become his problem.

eve I totally agree with that.

OP I would put it to your DP that you will get more out of the relationship apart and list why.

Then observe his reaction. It will be very telling.

I did this to my DP, wrote down that I’d expect childcare to be loose, unpredictable, on my terms plus generous maintenance if we split up. As that was exactly what he did for EW. He said it was disgusting and why would I stoop to that level? It’s a shock to realise they are treating EW and first children better than us OP. But I think you’ll need to see that.

So his ex I'm guessing is still on maternity leave or not working and won't walk 10 minutes to do a school run?

I don't want to be a total drama queen but isn't it possible there is something going on again between DP and Ex. Why is he spending 4 hours a day at her beck and call - are you sure DSD isn't actually walking to school and giving them time together? Her partner is overseas isn't he?

There is more to this than meets the eye

Secondly, you are a family, she should be treated as your daughter. How hard is it to look after an extra child. Poor kid

Youre obviously reading a different posts than everyone else on this thread. Did you miss the bit the OPs children have special needs? Or miss the bit hes not being a father to the children he does have with her? Or did you read that and still decide to be nasty?

Sound like your DP might want to try spending a bit more time with his DD and cancel some of his plans, why should you cancel yours? Next time say I have plans sorry you will need to cancel yours and take all the kids out somewhere.